Hi guys!
This is the most difficult situation I have ever been in my life and I'm searching for solutions here.
My bf (45) and I (38) have been together for 7 years. We live in different cities (2hr by train) and he visited me every month, for about 2 weeks or so. Everything was lovely. We travelled together, cuddled, loved each other a lot. I was the one to initially offer an open relationship. I didn't care if he had sex with anyone else, as long as I was Number 1 priority. Also, I knew he did it mostly in his own town, very rarely in the same town with me, only maybe when he went to long parties that I didn't want to attend anyway. During the relationship, he started to identify as poly. I didn't really care or take it seriously, because nothing changed for me.
Everything was so lovely that we decided to have a child. We started trying. At exactly the same time, he lost his job. He has had money and job problems for about half of the time we have known each other. I have tried to guide him to make good choices, etc., but the more I demanded he do something, the more defensive he got. But at the same time, he wanted to have the child. I was really afraid that all the money issues concerning the child were going to be mine to solve eventually, so I probably crossed some lines whining about it. I feel he is now being very spiteful about this. Long story short, when I got back from a holiday, he had gotten himself a girlfriend who was a) a regular b) in the same town as me.
The story continued. He came to visit me to have sex during my ovulation and then went to his other girlfriend. Because he had also stopped saying he loved me, spent most of his time at the computer when at my place, I really felt that he cared less. I was left alone, lost and scared -- all while trying to get pregnant. I communicated these feelings, but he didn't care at all. He still went to see her. He did say she was not a threat to me, but I felt our relationship suffered a lot.
We've been to therapy once and they said they cannot help poly couples.
We tried for the baby for a year and few months. (He he got the gf at about the 11 month point.) By month 15 we were accepted as IVF patients (partially also because I said that I'm unable to have sex with him, as we fought a lot, but also because we are both too old to try for a baby too long without help). Because we didn't have to have sex anymore, we could also break up. I had developed major anxiety by this time, because he was constantly threatening me that he will not have the child with me. However, in the beginning he called it a fake breakup and we still slept in same bed. I think in his mind if we were broken up, we could continue the same life, but he would have permission to meet with the girl.
We did one round of IVF, which failed.
We have tried to somehow make it work and rebond during the past months, e.g., going on road trips, etc. But we don't have sex. (Trying for a baby while fighting totally ruined sex for me, and I feel he doesn't rush to it either.) Over time, I have reduced showing all signs of love (calling him cute names, sending cute gifs, etc.) mostly because when he didn't reply, I would get anxious, so I figured I should stop doing all these things where I expect something in return. As a side effect, we also don't really have any signs of love now and I feel it affects the feelings as well.
When we don't talk about the problem, we get along well. But once the problem arises, things get unbearable. I get heavily anxious and when I express my insecurities, and he gets heavily defensive. He says that because I terrorised him with the job issue, he doesn't trust me emotionally, he doesn't want a relationship, he will not emotionally open up to me, he is only available on his own terms (e.g., he wasn't there to support me when I did my first IVF injection). At other times, he sends completely other signals. He says he wants "something," he acts kind, he remembers good things about the past, he imagines raising the child together in the apartment we bought for the purpose years ago (and rented out).
I have offered him to have the child as friends, but he also seems to be motivated about a potential relationship. I am so very confused because he is only drawing red lines and says what he doesn't want. I really cannot understand what he wants. In a rage, he said that he wants me out of his life and when I asked what was the second best thing he wanted, he said that that I would accept his poly life. He also seems to say one thing (e.g., that he doesn't give a shit about something) but act in other ways (being very emotional, which is a sign of caring. Also, he hasn't left anywhere yet, despite the horrible fighting).
I see only one way out of this. I'd love him to quit the other relationship (which he says is not long-lasting anyway, she is not a threat to me, she doesn't want children, etc.) for the period of fixing the relationship, trying for a baby and the first year of having the baby. I feel the relationship is clouding his judgement and he is less open for compromises, less interested in making things work, etc. When I mentioned that in poly forums people say they often close their relationship for this time period, he gets angry and defensive and says not all. I'm furious that he wouldn't do that for me while he sees how I suffer. I really cannot see how we can focus on fixing the relationship when he is not invested.
We are both profoundly confused and I understand that taking a break for a year or so would clear some clouds. However, the IVF is covered by insurance only for another 2 years (and considering the diagnosis, it could easily take 2 years to get pregnant). I'm torn between accepting his conditions, but I'm furious he is giving conditions like these to a woman who is going through anxiety, hormonal injections and turbulent times like these. I'm afraid that a person with so little compassion will make my pregnancy a hell. This is also probably the last time in my life I can have a child with my own eggs (no children until now) so the pressure is tremendous.
We took a 1.5-month break, with no contact, to decide if we will do the next round of IVF. I got a 3-month leave from work because of anxiety and I'm unable to concentrate. My heart is so broken and I'm crying as I write this.
I know nobody can solve me problem, but please give me some new angles and point out my logic fails. Also, please share your getting pregnant stories.
This is the most difficult situation I have ever been in my life and I'm searching for solutions here.
My bf (45) and I (38) have been together for 7 years. We live in different cities (2hr by train) and he visited me every month, for about 2 weeks or so. Everything was lovely. We travelled together, cuddled, loved each other a lot. I was the one to initially offer an open relationship. I didn't care if he had sex with anyone else, as long as I was Number 1 priority. Also, I knew he did it mostly in his own town, very rarely in the same town with me, only maybe when he went to long parties that I didn't want to attend anyway. During the relationship, he started to identify as poly. I didn't really care or take it seriously, because nothing changed for me.
Everything was so lovely that we decided to have a child. We started trying. At exactly the same time, he lost his job. He has had money and job problems for about half of the time we have known each other. I have tried to guide him to make good choices, etc., but the more I demanded he do something, the more defensive he got. But at the same time, he wanted to have the child. I was really afraid that all the money issues concerning the child were going to be mine to solve eventually, so I probably crossed some lines whining about it. I feel he is now being very spiteful about this. Long story short, when I got back from a holiday, he had gotten himself a girlfriend who was a) a regular b) in the same town as me.
The story continued. He came to visit me to have sex during my ovulation and then went to his other girlfriend. Because he had also stopped saying he loved me, spent most of his time at the computer when at my place, I really felt that he cared less. I was left alone, lost and scared -- all while trying to get pregnant. I communicated these feelings, but he didn't care at all. He still went to see her. He did say she was not a threat to me, but I felt our relationship suffered a lot.
We've been to therapy once and they said they cannot help poly couples.
We tried for the baby for a year and few months. (He he got the gf at about the 11 month point.) By month 15 we were accepted as IVF patients (partially also because I said that I'm unable to have sex with him, as we fought a lot, but also because we are both too old to try for a baby too long without help). Because we didn't have to have sex anymore, we could also break up. I had developed major anxiety by this time, because he was constantly threatening me that he will not have the child with me. However, in the beginning he called it a fake breakup and we still slept in same bed. I think in his mind if we were broken up, we could continue the same life, but he would have permission to meet with the girl.
We did one round of IVF, which failed.
We have tried to somehow make it work and rebond during the past months, e.g., going on road trips, etc. But we don't have sex. (Trying for a baby while fighting totally ruined sex for me, and I feel he doesn't rush to it either.) Over time, I have reduced showing all signs of love (calling him cute names, sending cute gifs, etc.) mostly because when he didn't reply, I would get anxious, so I figured I should stop doing all these things where I expect something in return. As a side effect, we also don't really have any signs of love now and I feel it affects the feelings as well.
When we don't talk about the problem, we get along well. But once the problem arises, things get unbearable. I get heavily anxious and when I express my insecurities, and he gets heavily defensive. He says that because I terrorised him with the job issue, he doesn't trust me emotionally, he doesn't want a relationship, he will not emotionally open up to me, he is only available on his own terms (e.g., he wasn't there to support me when I did my first IVF injection). At other times, he sends completely other signals. He says he wants "something," he acts kind, he remembers good things about the past, he imagines raising the child together in the apartment we bought for the purpose years ago (and rented out).
I have offered him to have the child as friends, but he also seems to be motivated about a potential relationship. I am so very confused because he is only drawing red lines and says what he doesn't want. I really cannot understand what he wants. In a rage, he said that he wants me out of his life and when I asked what was the second best thing he wanted, he said that that I would accept his poly life. He also seems to say one thing (e.g., that he doesn't give a shit about something) but act in other ways (being very emotional, which is a sign of caring. Also, he hasn't left anywhere yet, despite the horrible fighting).
I see only one way out of this. I'd love him to quit the other relationship (which he says is not long-lasting anyway, she is not a threat to me, she doesn't want children, etc.) for the period of fixing the relationship, trying for a baby and the first year of having the baby. I feel the relationship is clouding his judgement and he is less open for compromises, less interested in making things work, etc. When I mentioned that in poly forums people say they often close their relationship for this time period, he gets angry and defensive and says not all. I'm furious that he wouldn't do that for me while he sees how I suffer. I really cannot see how we can focus on fixing the relationship when he is not invested.
We are both profoundly confused and I understand that taking a break for a year or so would clear some clouds. However, the IVF is covered by insurance only for another 2 years (and considering the diagnosis, it could easily take 2 years to get pregnant). I'm torn between accepting his conditions, but I'm furious he is giving conditions like these to a woman who is going through anxiety, hormonal injections and turbulent times like these. I'm afraid that a person with so little compassion will make my pregnancy a hell. This is also probably the last time in my life I can have a child with my own eggs (no children until now) so the pressure is tremendous.
We took a 1.5-month break, with no contact, to decide if we will do the next round of IVF. I got a 3-month leave from work because of anxiety and I'm unable to concentrate. My heart is so broken and I'm crying as I write this.
I know nobody can solve me problem, but please give me some new angles and point out my logic fails. Also, please share your getting pregnant stories.
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