Poly in loving relationship with Mono. Advice?

[TheMouseRan]

I started dating my girlfriend around 4 years ago. I'm deeply in love with her and we are compatible in every way but one. She's monoamorous, and I have recently discovered I am polyamorous.

She is the first long-term exclusive relationship I have ever had. She's kind, intelligent, funny and beautiful. My friends and family love her (perhaps more than me? lol). When I imagine my future, the fact that she is a part of it brings a smile to my face.

Yet through the relationship there have been a few bumps, most notable being when I fell for another girl. I was honest with my girlfriend about it and very painfully and abruptly cut off my relationship with the new girl. Sometimes I still think about her. In fact, for quite a while, I've had to be careful about making platonic relationships with desirable women, to spare myself the temptation and hurt of falling for them.

Some time after that, I had talks with my girlfriend about the nature of love, and also about the possibility of exploring sexuality with other people together. I only mentioned a 3 way, perhaps even with another man. She asserted that she could not be happy doing that. After sharing that with her, I agreed to continue a strictly monoamorous relationship, for I could not bear to lose her. I also thought that these drives might be a passing phase, as I'm only 21.

This next bit is a failing on my part. My girlfriend recently discovered that I had asked other girls for naked pictures over the internet. These were people I never met, but I got a certain exhilaration from doing this. It sort of progressed. Some people may call this cheating, and I understand that perspective. Needless to say, she's very upset. However, it did, in a sense, serve to benefit. It re-highlighted the main divisive force in our relationship, our differences in sexuality. Considering what I had done, I sought counseling services online for my behavior, but instead I found polyamorous communities.

I guess what I'm asking is, if I really love this woman, what should I do? Do you know any examples of polys living in strictly mono relationships long term? How do they do it? Really, anything will help...

TL;DR-- Can a poly have a strictly mono relationship and be successful? What should a poly do when in a strictly mono relationship with someone he loves deeply?

 

[Quath]

Mono/poly relationships are common enough, where the mono person usually chooses to be mono.

I have a poly friend who married a woman who could only accept monogamy. He said he will stay with her, but he kind of regrets marrying her.

I would suggest asking her to read a book on polyamory. Ask her to make an informed decision about what you are feeling. But in the end, it may still come to a choice, and only you can really answer if you think you can be monogamous.

 

[SourGirl]

This would be a good read for you.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=14167

 

[redpepper]

There is a lot written here on monogamous people attempting to achieve a happy healthy relationship with polyamorous people. You might want to try doing a search for mono/poly. There is lots of interesting stuff to read.

I don't think that asking for pictures is something that could be an issue. It's the deceit and untruth by which it happened that is concerning. It seems concerning for her, too. Yes, it could be considered cheating, but there is far worse. I would be taking this as a warning that you have some work to do to figure out how to make this relationship work and how to operate within your relationship in the future.

Personally, I wouldn't settle for sucking up how I feel because of who I am with at your age. I wouldn't do it without any other partners, either. I'm doing with the bf I have, because he is mono, and we are continuing to work toward some kind of future regardless. It seems slightly hypocritical of me to make these suggestions, really, as I do suck up a lot for him. Please take it as me understanding where you are coming from.

 

[Phy]

Hey there, welcome.

I am a polyamorous woman living with two monoamorous men at the moment. When we discovered that I was poly, it was big news for all of us and an exciting journey up to now. I am not sure that my husband is mono at heart, but he told me that he wasn't interested in pursuing other relationships at this point in time. Both of them had to do some deep soul searching to get comfortable with this kind of relationship, but finally decided to accept who I was, to let me be and feel the only way that could make me happy. That was a great day.

I am not sure if I would have completely healed from such a loss that forcefully shut down what love can be for a person. I think that you may have chosen a really rocky path here. We always have a handle on our actions, but that really isn't easy, and hardly manageable sometimes, when the emotions are too strong.

You said that you talked about a threeway with her to get her to consider the idea. I think that this maybe was a bit counterproductive. The polyamorous stuff is about you, not her. Don't lump her in. Trying to get her on board like that could backfire. The explicit things you talked about were just sex and the exploration of new sexual encounters, not the pursuit of new relationships. I am not quite sure where your focus lies, so maybe she was confused, as well. Are you looking for relationships with multiple people, or for recreational sexual encounters? Have you had the chance to talk about the girl you fell in love with (that one you had to cut out of your life) in depth after/while it happened? Maybe you shouldn't write the possibility off right away and could try to explain yourself a bit first.

Seeking counseling for asking random girls for their pictures is a bit much, maybe. I also regard the secretive nature of this attempt as more worrisome than the thing itself. Have you been able to explain what was so fascinating about it?

Maybe figuring out what it is you need, how you would like to pursue it, and then taking the time to talk to your girlfriend about all this stuff would be a great way to start, and provide a great possibility for getting even closer to her.

 

[TheMouseRan]

Thank you, everyone, for taking the time to respond. It means a lot to me, especially right now.

You talked about a threeway to get her to consider the idea. I think that this was maybe a bit counterproductive. The polyamorous stuff is about you, not her. Don't lump her in. Trying to get her on board like that could backfire. The explicit thing you talked about was the exploration of new sexual encounters, not the pursuit of new relationships. I am not quite sure where your focus lies, so maybe she was confused as well. Are you looking for relationships with multiple people, or for recreational sexual encounters?

I've had polyamorous relationships in the past and they've made me happy. In fact, most of my relationships have been this way, though I didn't have a name for it at the time... not that I wouldn't be open to exploring my sexuality.

You're right, though-- I think my approach did more harm than anything. I just wanted to open up with something we could do together.

Have you had the chance to talk about the girl you fell in love with (that one you had to cut out of your life) in depth after/while it happened? Maybe you shouldn't write the possibility off right away and could try to explain yourself a bit.

The situation with the other girl (Megan) is complicated. It started when my girlfriend read about my interest in my journal. Sometime afterward, when I started to develop a friendship with Megan, I was reluctant to tell my SO. Stupid, I know. I remember quite vividly getting coffee with her and having my SO call and ask what I was doing. There was a heavy pause before I responded. She was not happy about that, as it was indicative of my desire to conceal, which was indicative of how I felt about Megan. When I saw my SO, I admitted that I was falling for Megan, and I made the choice to abruptly shun Megan in order to not lose my SO.

So, you're certainly right about my not being open and forward. I consider it to be my core wrongdoing. I do try to be open, but it's hard sometimes. When these situations arise, it seems that the response is cease and desist or the relationship will end. It's hard to confront that.

Seeking counseling for asking random girls for their pictures is a bit much, maybe. I also regard the secretive nature of this attempt as more worrisome than the thing itself. Have you been able to explain what was so fascinating about it?

Now I'm more seeking support for dealing with the way I feel in a strictly mono relationship. I love my SO deeply. We're perfectly compatible in literally every other way, so it's certainly worth my utmost effort. I think I do need help managing my thoughts, drives, etc. For one thing, it's apparent that I need to be more transparent immediately.

Maybe figuring out what it is you need, how you would like to pursue it, and then taking your time to talk to your girlfriend about all this stuff would be a great way to start off, and provide a great possibility to get even closer to her.

She's made it absolutely clear that anything other than monogamy, for either of us, will do nothing but hurt her. The very thought that I am poly in our monogamous relationship is hurtful to her.

When we get through this together, I hope it will bring us closer.