Poly Lifestyle Questions/Concerns/Advice

[AMPM1234]

Hello to everyone.

First of all, thank you for taking the time to read this post. It's a lengthy one but I really feel that I need to share as much as I can to hopefully get the best answers I am seeking. I welcome any comments that anyone can provide to me as I really want to try and completely understand my thoughts and feelings as well as those of my wife. I will also add that some of the things below may be contradictory, hypocritical, make no sense, sound crazy, etc.; I get that. This has been and will be one of the hardest things I try to come to grips with in my life and truthfully as I post this I can safely say the following: a lot of times in my life I've been unsure or not known something but had an idea, hunch, inkling or whatever else as to why it was that way. With this subject I truthfully don't know - I truthfully don't know how it will affect my marriage long-term and if it will result in ultimately what I don't want which is a divorce. I'm doing my absolute best to keep an open mind about everything and really hope that some good dialogue and advice can help me. With all of that said again I thank you again for reading this and hope I can become engaged with some of you and pick your brains on this subject.

A little background - my wife and I have been together for coming up to seven years total, married for three of those. I have never been poly nor experienced any poly activities in my life; however my wife does consider herself poly. I knew this when we first met and so far in our relationship she has still maintained her poly lifestyle but never actively engaged with other poly individuals; we've effectively lived monogamously. This is about to change as we've talked and she has expressed her interests to return back to the poly lifestyle. So far she has met one person on two separate occasions; the second being yesterday. She did tell me that he kissed her but that she stopped him and said that right now she is not looking for that type of relationship.


(She is currently 37 1/2 weeks pregnant and we've recently moved to an area where we know nobody so right now she is truthfully just looking for friends - BUT as she has told me friends in the poly lifestyle that could possibly lead to more in the future.)


My initial reaction is fear: I fear that this will lead to more and then she will leave me. Part of this fear I believe is justified: while it shames me to admit it I have been an awful husband throughout a lot of our short time together. Honestly - it amazes me that we are still together. Please understand I *am* SUPER happy that we are still together but if it were the other way around I don't know if I'd still be in the relationship. I love her with all of my heart and soul and we're really working on getting our relationship back to where it needs to be; again almost all of this falls on me and is my doing but none the less we are both working together. With all of that said - how can I not fear that she'll leave me? I try not to but I guess it's just natural - I've been so miserable in the past that she'd be somewhat crazy not to try for something better. She has said that she would never leave me for someone better but that if she ever did it would be because I screwed up or caused it - but how can I truly believe that? How can anyone TRULY say that they would never leave you due to being involved with other people? I certainly don't think she is intending to meet other folks to find a reason to leave me but my point here is that how can anyone really say never? Get what I'm saying?

My next reactions are jealousy and confusion: How am I going to handle myself the first time she goes out and I know what is going to occur that night with her and the individual she's with? What if he's able to do things I can't do and make her happy in ways I can't and these things cause her to not want to be with me? (I know this leads back to fear ultimately but in part it is a jealous aspect as well.) How inferior will I feel? How long until I'm not good enough any longer? I would hope that none of this happens in a bad way but my mind just can't help but wonder. Do I even want to know what happened on her night out? Part of me says no way in hell because it would make it worse; part of me can't stand the idea of not knowing despite it hurting me and I'd want to know every detail.

My next reaction is curiosity: Part of the shameful side of me in the past is that I had an affair with a woman that we both knew. It didn't last long but it still happened. I still to this day feel horrible about it and it was 3-4 years ago; rightfully so I should feel bad about it IMO. One thing that has always stuck out with me in our discussions after the fact was something she specifically said which was that she never minded the fact that I slept with another woman but that it was the fact that I did it and she had no idea about it. I've always held onto this bit of information and every so often wondered with her poly lifestyle if it was something for me as well? I'm not saying I want to sleep with a ton of different women but at the same time maybe I can in a way understand how she feels in the fact that I can find others to share a connection with. If that's the case then really is it so awful for her to do the same? Of course it isn't.

All of this leads back to thoughts I get on a regular basis when discussing or thinking about this topic: I just can't get over the mental hump of her being with another guy. I could accept her with another woman but a guy? I just don't know. I know that part of her would like me to sleep with another woman but it's something I've never brought up or pursued. How hypocritical would that be to seek out another woman to be with but get mad at her for trying to do the same with a guy? How will I handle the first time she is out with someone and any times after that? I truly want her to be happy and I know that this lifestyle makes her happy but does it make me happy as well? Do *I* want to explore and see who else might be out there that I can potentially connect with? I can't imagine the thought of not being with her but can I accept this lifestyle from her if it makes me miserable?

Perhaps I'm looking at things in the wrong way - I don't really know. Simply put at this time I just don't know if I can be with her when she chooses to begin this lifestyle again and I don't know if it's something that will work for me. I would love any feedback or thoughts from anyone that reads this and am happy to answer anything to help out if needed. I really just don't know where the next steps are here.

Thank you again for your time in reading this.

 

[LovingRadiance]

Random thoughts after reading your post:

You don't automatically have a right to hear the details of her sexual escapades with other people. Because-the other person has the right to privacy and if THEY don't want their sexual escapades shared with anyone else, it's not her right to tell you.

Having come through almost 5 years of poly and personally had a "tell all" agreement and then a "tell nothing" agreement and finally realized that what works best is to acknowledge we have a date and keep the personal details to ourselves-
My VERY VERY STRONG suggestion is that you NOT ask for details. Instead, agree to honesty about a relationship-and leave the rest to personal privacy.

Once someone is acknowledged as being a romantic date-the rest is moot. You know what they CAN do-you don't need to know exactly when they do what. Furthermore; promoting the "tell all" attitude is actually promoting you being up in their relationship business where you don't belong. Each relationship is its own (do a search for galagirl and then scroll her blog for her links to polymath teirs). Each individual has needs. Each dyad has needs. Each person has a right to know ABOUT the existence of other dyads, but it's not healthy to try to micromanage someone else's relationship. This is true of ANY relationship, not just romantic/sexual ones.

The work on your end is to consider why you feel it would be ok if it were another woman and not another man.
There's a lot of sketchy, unhealthy thought processes that lead to that idea.
For starters, lesbian relationships are not any less likely to result in you being left. A lesbian relationship can be fully and completely satisfying. Even for a bisexual woman.


"how am I going to handle myself when..."
This is a pretty basic (and simple actually) solvable question. Ask yourself what the appropriate behavior is for you to take and then hold yourself accountable to taking that action. Period.
If you were asking how you were going to FEEL-that is different. Because emotions are unpredictable and can end up being polar opposite of what we expect.
But actions are something we CHOOSE and we can choose to do any action regardless of how we feel.
So-in answer to how you are going to behave-decide how you believe you should behave and then do that.

 

[AMPM1234]

LovingRadiance,

First off thank you very much for the reply. My apologies regarding your first thought I should have been more specific: while we have talked over the past few weeks intermittently she made the comment that she had relationships in the past where she shared her details with her husband (she was married once before a while back and they were both poly) and those that they agreed to share nothing. I certainly respect the fact that she has the right to not share anything I just stated what I did because she had said when this time comes down the road she has no issues with sharing details with me if I choose to want to hear them. Truthfully I don't really know if I'd want to know; again just very conflicted on this point. After reading your second thought I'm inclined to lean towards privacy as you stated; I certainly 100% trust her and know she wouldn't do anything we didn't both agree on.

Regarding your third thought thank you very much for that information - I will certainly do a search and check it out!

I really wish I knew why I feel like "a lesbian relationship is totally fine but my wife with another guy is not." Again - it just seems to be this big mental hurdle I can't get over and I know I need to but I just wish I knew exactly how to do so or wonder if any others have had similar thoughts like this. All of this is just so very new to me and as much as I try not to worry it's hard to not think on some level that this is the beginning of the end in a way.

I really do appreciate your comments thank you very much.

 

[LovingRadiance]

It was a disorganized collection of thoughts and I'm sorry for that. Today is my 15th anniversary and I completely admit I am only partially here in mind.

That said;

I understand that she may have said she's ok with sharing the details (because I said the same). But she may not be considering the other persons preferences either. ESPECIALLY since no other person actually exists yet!

One of the BIG pitfalls that happens in poly dynamics is when an existing couple try to open up so one or both can date other people. They try to create a list of agreements about what is or isn't acceptable (which is admirable) but they forget that MUCH of what they are considering-can't be "set in stone" anyway-because the other person has a say so too.


Spend some time digging around on here. There's a LOT of info, blogs of people who are making it work, blogs by many of us who have gone through hell to get to a place where it's working for us.
Much of what you are contemplating, many of us have already traversed and written about; including the details of how we worked through those issues.
Of course the ways to work through the issues are as myriad as the number of people who experience them! What works for one person won't work for another and vice versa.

At any rate; I definitely support keeping some space between relationships in terms of maintaining privacy about personal details. It's ONE THING when all parties involved are turned on by sharing details. But when any one person isn't-its usually best to not drop another image into the mind for your insecurities to wallow over.

Also-dig down and figure out what it is that you fear about it being another man. Because if you can get to the bottom of that-you will resolve half of your own fears and concerns. REGARDLESS of how that impacts the relationship-it will be good for you.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi AMPM, welcome to the board and the world of polyamory.

I concur with much of what LR said, but I have been poly 15 years and still go back and forth on how much info I want to hear about my partners' other partners and their dates. Too much info from my bf about his other new lovers: it feels nauseating and upsetting. Too little: it causes distance to grow between us, like a huge chunk of my bf's life is just a blank to me.

OTOH my gf can tell me anything about her dates and all I feel is vicarious pleasure (compersion). I've known her longer and understand her better. So, you never know. It can take time to find a balance. Trouble is, some days I am in a stable mood and I can hear more from my bf, but then another day I am in an anxious mood and the type of info I was ok with the day before is now too much!

Your fears about your wife being with another guy are very common. Men do tend to be more threatened by another guy being with their female partner, than another women. 2 women together is a hot fantasy. Another guy boning your woman? Grrrr, get the dueling pistols out and meet at dawn to settle this!

Do a tag search for one penis policy, or OPP here, to read others' experiences and coping skills with this topic.

My first and last thought tho, was for your newborn baby, who could be born any day. If I were you (and your wife) I'd shelve all this poly work and focus on the brand new life and love coming to you out of her vagina (not other people's penises going in it)! Newborns are all consuming and now is certainly not the time for your wife to be attempting to start dating other women or men! What the heck?

 

[AMPM1234]

It was a disorganized collection of thoughts and I'm sorry for that. Today is my 15th anniversary and I completely admit I am only partially here in mind.

No worries at all and congrats on 15 years! That is wonderful. =]

That said;

I understand that she may have said she's ok with sharing the details (because I said the same). But she may not be considering the other persons preferences either. ESPECIALLY since no other person actually exists yet!

Completely true that there is no other person as of yet; I guess at this point I'm coming to grips with the fact that at some point in the future there will be and when that time comes I want to be as prepared as possible to discuss topics with my wife to the best of my knowledge. With that said - let's say for example my wife and I agree that we will share details of our encounters with others but the guy she is with doesn't want this.. I would assume this is something to be discussed with all individuals involved correct? I don't necessarily think that what my wife and I decide automatically becomes a "trump card" for lack of better words.

One of the BIG pitfalls that happens in poly dynamics is when an existing couple try to open up so one or both can date other people. They try to create a list of agreements about what is or isn't acceptable (which is admirable) but they forget that MUCH of what they are considering-can't be "set in stone" anyway-because the other person has a say so too.

So again.. this kind of relates to above. There are things that I would hope my wife and I would agree upon but ultimately it's something ALL parties would need to agree on correct?

Spend some time digging around on here. There's a LOT of info, blogs of people who are making it work, blogs by many of us who have gone through hell to get to a place where it's working for us.
Much of what you are contemplating, many of us have already traversed and written about; including the details of how we worked through those issues.
Of course the ways to work through the issues are as myriad as the number of people who experience them! What works for one person won't work for another and vice versa.

At any rate; I definitely support keeping some space between relationships in terms of maintaining privacy about personal details. It's ONE THING when all parties involved are turned on by sharing details. But when any one person isn't-its usually best to not drop another image into the mind for your insecurities to wallow over.

Also-dig down and figure out what it is that you fear about it being another man. Because if you can get to the bottom of that-you will resolve half of your own fears and concerns. REGARDLESS of how that impacts the relationship-it will be good for you.

I will certainly check out the forum more in detail and gather information from others. I don't know this to be the 100% absolute and ultimate reason but I think that what I fear the most is losing her to someone else. I fear that she will find things in someone else that will cause her to leave me. As I mentioned previously she made the comment that she would never leave me for someone else and that if she left me it would be because of me not being a good husband but how can someone really know that? How can I know that if she gets in a relationship with a guy and all of a sudden it just becomes the best thing ever that she doesn't have doubts about me and her? Honestly I believe that is what scares me the most.

 

[AMPM1234]

Hi AMPM, welcome to the board and the world of polyamory.

I concur with much of what LR said, but I have been poly 15 years and still go back and forth on how much info I want to hear about my partners' other partners and their dates. Too much info from my bf about his other new lovers: it feels nauseating and upsetting. Too little: it causes distance to grow between us, like a huge chunk of my bf's life is just a blank to me.

OTOH my gf can tell me anything about her dates and all I feel is vicarious pleasure (compersion). I've known her longer and understand her better. So, you never know. It can take time to find a balance. Trouble is, some days I am in a stable mood and I can hear more from my bf, but then another day I am in an anxious mood and the type of info I was ok with the day before is now too much!

This is EXACTLY how I feel. I feel extremely conflicted because I have the same thoughts and feel like there are gaps that can't be filled.. yet they CAN be filled but with stuff that I'm not sure I want to know or hear about.. yet then I feel like there are gaps.. and as you can see the endless cycle just keeps on going. I feel as LR said that it probably is better to have it be personal between those parties but it is so hard at times to not want to know.

Your fears about your wife being with another guy are very common. Men do tend to be more threatened by another guy being with their female partner, than another women. 2 women together is a hot fantasy. Another guy boning your woman? Grrrr, get the dueling pistols out and meet at dawn to settle this!

Do a tag search for one penis policy, or OPP here, to read others' experiences and coping skills with this topic.

Again - exactly how I feel. I do feel threatened and jealous. What if he can do things for her that I can't? I understand the idea that there are things certain individuals can fulfill that others can't but what if those things cause her to lean more towards him and less to me? What if by doing that is causes her to have doubts about us? As I mentioned before I think that truly deep down this is my biggest fear and at times it cripples me mentally because of how much I care for her and our family but at the same time if this is what she wants how can I be the one to say no?

My first and last thought tho, was for your newborn baby, who could be born any day. If I were you (and your wife) I'd shelve all this poly work and focus on the brand new life and love coming to you out of her vagina (not other people's penises going in it)! Newborns are all consuming and now is certainly not the time for your wife to be attempting to start dating other women or men! What the heck?

Let me clarify on this point a bit because I don't want there to be a misconception or bad vibe about this: we are very focused on our soon-to-be baby boy that will be here in this world. We actually talked a couple of days ago and agreed that we wouldn't talk about poly stuff for a while. My being on this board is my attempt to try and understand further how she feels and address my thoughts, concerns, desires and fears so that when we talk about this again I can relate more to what she is feeling and conveying to me.

Regarding the guy she met - we moved to this area a little over a year ago and don't really have any friends so she's been trying to make one or two. The guy she met was as just that - strictly friends. Yes he is poly as well but they've only met twice for coffee and just to get to know each other. The 2nd time when they met he did kiss her to which she stopped him and said that she was not interested in that right now but just in meeting people. She has told me that down the road that door is open for more with this guy but for right now she won't even be seeing him for weeks to come.

Again - I just want to be prepared and informed as much as possible for when that time comes. I appreciate the suggestion regarding OPP and will certainly look into it and also appreciate the reply to my post. =]

 

[Magdlyn]

I don't know this to be the 100% absolute and ultimate reason but I think that what I fear the most is losing her to someone else. I fear that she will find things in someone else that will cause her to leave me. As I mentioned previously she made the comment that she would never leave me for someone else and that if she left me it would be because of me not being a good husband but how can someone really know that? How can I know that if she gets in a relationship with a guy and all of a sudden it just becomes the best thing ever that she doesn't have doubts about me and her? Honestly I believe that is what scares me the most.

The thing is, a relationship can always end at any time. If you fucked up and cheated on her years ago, the fact that you two didnt break up then, along with the fact that she is now carrying your child to term, should be somewhat reassuring.

Poly people generally do NOT want to break up with existing partners just because they get a new shiny one. If you two are solid and enjoying each other, she will want to keep you even when she is seeing another. That's because she is POLYAMOROUS. If she were monogamous, she might lose interest in a former partner if she found a new one. That happens all the time with people living the mono "lifestyle."

BTW, poly isn't a lifestyle. It's more of a love style. And there are as many ways to practice it as there are people doing it.

But sometimes you can (temporarily but excruciatingly) feel abandoned, demoted, displaced, when your poly partner gets a new lover, and is all caught up in NRE. Read this:

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

 

[AMPM1234]

Poly people generally do NOT want to break up with existing partners just because they get a new shiny one. If you two are solid and enjoying each other, she will want to keep you even when she is seeing another. That's because she is POLYAMOROUS. If she were monogamous, she might lose interest in a former partner if she found a new one. That happens all the time with people living the mono "lifestyle."

I guess this is where my fear kicks in. I can see what you are saying here but even as you worded it - "generally." Nothing is absolute. I know that if I was doing everything right and it still happened then it probably falls under "wasn't shit I could do about it no matter what" or something along those lines. Still - it's a fear. It's a fear that is really large within me and it's just proving to be very difficult right now to overcome. I'm hoping with time and reading more about other's in similar situations and how they've dealt with it will help.

I very much appreciate the link and plan to check it out today.

 

[MusicalRose]

For me, the only real way to deal with the fear of loss it to recognize the reality of the situation. The reality is, you could always lose your wife. You can lose her if you are poly, you can lose her if you are mono. People can change in ways that make them incompatible with current partners. But a mono lifestyle won't protect you from that.

Even as a mono couple, she could still fall in love with someone and leave you for them. She could still fall out of love with you without anyone else there and leave you just because she doesn't want to be with you anymore. She could be killed in childbirth or walking down the street. You are not safe from losing her. Poly only feels more risky because it is unfamiliar and because it goes against what we've been conditioned to believe about the safety of mono love.

As a strongly poly woman, I've had to talk to my partner about this fear of his before (he has in the past felt like I was out of his league and couldn't figure out why I was with him) and as far as something "better" coming along, all I really had to offer to that was that any idealized partner that I might encounter will be very okay with my current husband and his place in my life. That is part of my ideal. Anyone who would "steal" me for themselves or try to displace my husband isn't going to appeal to me, because they will show that kind of behavior all the time, even if I go forward to have more poly partners aside from them.

And chances are that some of your wife's hypothetical future partners will be able to do things for her that you can't. However, chances are you do plenty of things for her that they can't. All people are different. We all like and dislike different things about different people. One of the great things about poly is that you can recognize that no one will ever be THE perfect partner and you can seek out many things in partners that are enjoyable to you. If you gain another partner at any point in time, you will see parts of them you like better than you like in your wife, but your wife will still have many things she can offer you that they can't.

It's awesome that you are doing the preliminary explorations now and starting to learn some more about yourself. Best of luck with the baby coming and in continuing the adventure that is your relationship with your wife.

 

[AMPM1234]

For me, the only real way to deal with the fear of loss it to recognize the reality of the situation. The reality is, you could always lose your wife. You can lose her if you are poly, you can lose her if you are mono. People can change in ways that make them incompatible with current partners. But a mono lifestyle won't protect you from that.

Even as a mono couple, she could still fall in love with someone and leave you for them. She could still fall out of love with you without anyone else there and leave you just because she doesn't want to be with you anymore. She could be killed in childbirth or walking down the street. You are not safe from losing her. Poly only feels more risky because it is unfamiliar and because it goes against what we've been conditioned to believe about the safety of mono love.

As a strongly poly woman, I've had to talk to my partner about this fear of his before (he has in the past felt like I was out of his league and couldn't figure out why I was with him) and as far as something "better" coming along, all I really had to offer to that was that any idealized partner that I might encounter will be very okay with my current husband and his place in my life. That is part of my ideal. Anyone who would "steal" me for themselves or try to displace my husband isn't going to appeal to me, because they will show that kind of behavior all the time, even if I go forward to have more poly partners aside from them.

And chances are that some of your wife's hypothetical future partners will be able to do things for her that you can't. However, chances are you do plenty of things for her that they can't. All people are different. We all like and dislike different things about different people. One of the great things about poly is that you can recognize that no one will ever be THE perfect partner and you can seek out many things in partners that are enjoyable to you. If you gain another partner at any point in time, you will see parts of them you like better than you like in your wife, but your wife will still have many things she can offer you that they can't.

It's awesome that you are doing the preliminary explorations now and starting to learn some more about yourself. Best of luck with the baby coming and in continuing the adventure that is your relationship with your wife.

Thank you very much for the comments. All of what you said is completely true - there are many ways besides a poly lifestyle that I can lose my wife; whether it be intentional or a tragic accident. A mono lifestyle isn't the ultimate shield of protection. It's just simply the fear at this point of losing her. Addressing it is really hard and all of this has really weighed on my mind a lot; to the point that it's hard sometimes to even focus on things on a regular basis.

I appreciate the compliment as well. I do want her to be happy I truly do and this makes her happy. I feel at times we can make it work and at times the fear gets to me and says no way.

 

[MusicalRose]

As a thought experiment, what would you do if you did lose her?

 

[AMPM1234]

As a thought experiment, what would you do if you did lose her?

I don't really know what I would do. I know I would feel devastated and extremely sad. I love her so much and really I cannot even imagine my life without her. I would feel devastated about our kids as well; not because I wouldn't see them because nothing like that would happen but family means so much to me and one of the greatest joys I get on a daily basis is going home to my daughter after work. If I lost her then there's the potential for that to disappear and even thinking about it makes me sad.

She really is my balance to life. There are a lot of things I don't do right or am not good at and all of those things she is great at; we compliment each other so exceptionally well. She truly is my life partner.

 

[MusicalRose]

It's good that you compliment each other so well. Perhaps it would help your confidence to try and learn to do some of the things she is good at? It's not a fun place to be in to feel like you would be helpless without her assistance in certain arenas. Maybe flexing metaphorical "muscles" you aren't used to using could help build your confidence in yourself and make you feel more secure in general.

 

[icesong]

It's good that you compliment each other so well. Perhaps it would help your confidence to try and learn to do some of the things she is good at? It's not a fun place to be in to feel like you would be helpless without her assistance in certain arenas. Maybe flexing metaphorical "muscles" you aren't used to using could help build your confidence in yourself and make you feel more secure in general.

This is absolutely a true statement. I'm not which part was the chicken and which part was the egg, but over the last year, while TheKnight and I have explored relationships (as opposed to just casual sex) with other people, I've become far more independent and less helpless. (Really, the nickname was terribly appropriate for him given the old dynamics of our relationship). It's an ongoing process, but it is making our relationship stronger - more a relation between two wholes, between independent partners rather than two halves of a whole.

 

[LovingRadiance]

To your questions for me-yes, those are things that you can get a feel for your preferences now on-but in the long run, they are things that need to be agreed to by all people involved.

Which-I only mention because it's SO common for people to get hurt when they think they have it "all figured out" and then the new person says "nix" on some detail.

ALSO-you could find that the new person ends up being the best friend you always dreamed of and you don't feel any of those things all of a sudden too (not as common-but it happens).

At any rate, dealing with a fear, means facing it. You can never resolve it by avoiding it. Unfortunately your fear can't be faced head on right now-because there isn't a person. But-you can visualize and consider the possible POSITIVE outcomes, which may help somewhat.

As a side note to consider;
My husband was a complete fuck up in our marriage for YEARS. By the time I had an affair and that nightmare began-I had already decided I was only here for the time it took to raise our kids.

Then we came poly and he was TERRIFIED-much the way you describe, many of the same concerns and thoughts. In addition; the "other guy" was the same guy I had the affair with AND we all lived together. Paranoid was probably a better term than terrified actually.

But here's the thing; if I wanted to leave-I would have left. I'm not blind, he was a shithead for years to me. I didn't want to leave.
I wanted to get my needs met, I wanted to be true to myself. I wanted to be real. But I didn't want to leave because I love him.
In the years since he struggled into a poly dynamic with me; our relationship has actually flourished because he's finally seen the REAL me, the me that makes me worth being married to. HE's also found the real HIM. He's learned to be a better partner. He's found he enjoys the breaks to do his own thing (something he SWORE he would NEVER be ok with).

So yeah-she may find a guy who does things you haven't or won't. But if she didn't want to be with you-she would already have left.

 

[AMPM1234]

It's good that you compliment each other so well. Perhaps it would help your confidence to try and learn to do some of the things she is good at? It's not a fun place to be in to feel like you would be helpless without her assistance in certain arenas. Maybe flexing metaphorical "muscles" you aren't used to using could help build your confidence in yourself and make you feel more secure in general.

I could certainly try to do that. I guess more of what I was trying to convey is that I feel on a more or less spiritual level I really just feel I'd be lost without her. Not really in like a religious way and I dunno.. it's kind of hard to explain really but I just truly feel like she is the person I am meant to have in my life for the rest of my life and imaging life without her is somewhat painful; to the point I don't even want to think about it. I certainly understand things can happen that are well beyond my control but I really feel like she is the person in life that make my life run fluently. She is also the mother of my child (soon to be children) and that also reigns supremely with me. Sorry if I'm babbling and hopefully I'm making some sense with what I'm trying to say..

Regarding your feeling helpless comment she might argue I am too independent at times but then when I'm cleaning the kitchen or doing laundry she doesn't seem to feel that way. Funny how that works..

This is absolutely a true statement. I'm not which part was the chicken and which part was the egg, but over the last year, while TheKnight and I have explored relationships (as opposed to just casual sex) with other people, I've become far more independent and less helpless. (Really, the nickname was terribly appropriate for him given the old dynamics of our relationship). It's an ongoing process, but it is making our relationship stronger - more a relation between two wholes, between independent partners rather than two halves of a whole.

I certainly see where you are coming from. This and what was mentioned above are things I need to work on and do plan to. It's tough that's for sure but then again if it wasn't tough then everyone would do it right?

I do appreciate the advice!

 

[MusicalRose]

It sounds like the two of you generally have an awesome relationship. I think the point that I am trying to make is that sometimes our fears about something are realistic in some ways and aren't in others.

For the most part, any feeling of safety you have with not losing your wife isn't really grounded in reality, because in reality life could bring many things your way. But any fears of losing her to another person might not necessarily be grounded in reality either. If you feel like you know your wife, and that she shares the same feeling of solid, firm, and healthy connection with you that you do with her, then it would be unusual for her to do an abrupt about-face and suddenly decide there is something new and shiny that would be worth walking away from her long term partner and father of her children for.

Not to say it isn't a possibility, but try to chew over in your head the likeliness of these scenarios. Is your wife prone to impulsive behavior? Does she seem to be inconsistent in general as far as her emotions and decision-making processes go? Do the two of you have something that is weakening or making your connection insecure at the moment? Are there problems that you are aware of within yourself that you haven't taken the time to resolve that might lead to you feeling guilty or that she would be justified walking away? Asking these types of questions can help you to determine if there is any real cause for concern or if your mind is running away from you.

It might also help to try and break down what it is specifically that you are afraid of. Her leaving you for someone else is actually not all that detailed. What is it you think someone else will offer her that you feel like you can't at the moment?

 

[AMPM1234]

To your questions for me-yes, those are things that you can get a feel for your preferences now on-but in the long run, they are things that need to be agreed to by all people involved.

Which-I only mention because it's SO common for people to get hurt when they think they have it "all figured out" and then the new person says "nix" on some detail.

ALSO-you could find that the new person ends up being the best friend you always dreamed of and you don't feel any of those things all of a sudden too (not as common-but it happens).

Good things to know. Thank you for answering those questions for me. It's definitely a topic that we'll discuss in the future and it's good to know what all of our expectations should be going into it.

At any rate, dealing with a fear, means facing it. You can never resolve it by avoiding it. Unfortunately your fear can't be faced head on right now-because there isn't a person. But-you can visualize and consider the possible POSITIVE outcomes, which may help somewhat.

As a side note to consider;
My husband was a complete fuck up in our marriage for YEARS. By the time I had an affair and that nightmare began-I had already decided I was only here for the time it took to raise our kids.

Then we came poly and he was TERRIFIED-much the way you describe, many of the same concerns and thoughts. In addition; the "other guy" was the same guy I had the affair with AND we all lived together. Paranoid was probably a better term than terrified actually.

But here's the thing; if I wanted to leave-I would have left. I'm not blind, he was a shithead for years to me. I didn't want to leave.
I wanted to get my needs met, I wanted to be true to myself. I wanted to be real. But I didn't want to leave because I love him.
In the years since he struggled into a poly dynamic with me; our relationship has actually flourished because he's finally seen the REAL me, the me that makes me worth being married to. HE's also found the real HIM. He's learned to be a better partner. He's found he enjoys the breaks to do his own thing (something he SWORE he would NEVER be ok with).

So yeah-she may find a guy who does things you haven't or won't. But if she didn't want to be with you-she would already have left.

Really appreciate you sharing this information with me because this is how I feel at times and have felt very much in the past. It's nice in a way to know that I am not alone in my thoughts and feelings; not that I *really* felt that way 100% but to see an example of someone who has pretty much felt almost identically to how I feel is informative. I think one of the biggest things I need to try and work on and just find a way to accept is as you said the fact that if my wife wanted to leave she would have. I have certainly given her plenty of ammo to do so in the past (regretfully) and am thankful daily that she never did leave.

I'm curious - when this first happened with you two did he automatically seek out other companions? Did it start with you seeking out someone and he didn't for a while? How did he handle it I find myself struggling at times with the fact that I believe I'd like to meet someone as well but I want to make sure I'm not doing it because "she has someone so why shouldn't I?" if that makes sense.

 

[AMPM1234]

It sounds like the two of you generally have an awesome relationship. I think the point that I am trying to make is that sometimes our fears about something are realistic in some ways and aren't in others.

For the most part, any feeling of safety you have with not losing your wife isn't really grounded in reality, because in reality life could bring many things your way. But any fears of losing her to another person might not necessarily be grounded in reality either. If you feel like you know your wife, and that she shares the same feeling of solid, firm, and healthy connection with you that you do with her, then it would be unusual for her to do an abrupt about-face and suddenly decide there is something new and shiny that would be worth walking away from her long term partner and father of her children for.

Not to say it isn't a possibility, but try to chew over in your head the likeliness of these scenarios. Is your wife prone to impulsive behavior? Does she seem to be inconsistent in general as far as her emotions and decision-making processes go? Do the two of you have something that is weakening or making your connection insecure at the moment? Are there problems that you are aware of within yourself that you haven't taken the time to resolve that might lead to you feeling guilty or that she would be justified walking away? Asking these types of questions can help you to determine if there is any real cause for concern or if your mind is running away from you.

It might also help to try and break down what it is specifically that you are afraid of. Her leaving you for someone else is actually not all that detailed. What is it you think someone else will offer her that you feel like you can't at the moment?

Part of me does think at times that the fear I have is very irrational and not built on anything; it's just inside of me. I think part of it is that I'm scared of this because it's completely new territory to me. It's not your everyday conversation or subject so when I hear or talk about it it scares me a bit. Accepting the realization that your wife wants to be with other people is really tough to swallow but I know it's much more than that and it's digging through to that which is hard. There's a lot of layers to it all which I am learning every single day.

While I don't really have answers to those questions you posed they sound like great examples of things I should really know and think about; thank you very much for those.

Regarding what others can offer that I can't is something I *have* actually thought about a bit because I feel like if I can't convey with my wife what I fear in this area then we can't properly talk about things. So far I've really only come up with two things that I really worry about and wonder how I will deal with:


1.) I'm afraid of her finding a partner that can make her cum during intercourse. During our time together she has only cum during intercourse maybe 3-4 times; BUT I do vividly remember that every time it has happened it has been an immensely pleasurable experience for her and for me and it gives us (at the time and afterwards) a STRONG bond between the two of us - kind of like a short high I suppose. What if she finds another guy who can do this for her? If I can't do this for her hardly at all but someone else can or does or can regularly then that scares and intimidates me. It puts thoughts in my head of what will happen; will this be the first step towards her wanting someone else and not me? Will it cause our sexual life to diminish? Will she want to be with him more because of what he can do and I can't?

2.) I'm afraid of NRE. I've read a bit about it (not a ton and will read more but do understand it to a degree) and I remember when my wife and I first started dating she mentioned it a lot. How will I cope with it? Can I handle it? I can be emotionally fragile at times and worry that in the beginning it will just be too much to handle. I worry that I will see her so happy and that it won't feel the same with me which will lead my mind to again wonder if I'm good enough for her and if I'll be "around" much longer.