Poly logistics

[Norwegianpoly]

Hi, I am the hinge of a V. I usually visit my boyfriend. My boyfriend is finally coming to see us. He, my husband and I have lived together for one week on two occations before, where we practiced me spending every other night in their beds. This time, he will stay in my country a month. That will be the biggest ammount of time I will spend with him too. The most I have stayed with him before was three weeks.

Here is the situation: My husband and I have only a one -bedroom appartment. We were meant to sell it and buy a bigger one but there are few flats available at the moment. So, it seems that we are stuck with our flat and a hotel room. I don't want to share a bed with all of them for a number of reasons. So, I booked a hotel room for a month. Boyfriend 's response is, why can't I live with you? I can see why he doesn't want us to spend money, or use time to travel (although the hotel room is quite close to our flat) or perhaps he doesn't want to feel alone. Although, our living room is quite small. We could get a dooor and a bed there (which can be useful anyway). We would have to be more careful with noise and such. My husband worry that he would feel less able to retreat and less private. There would be the option for my husband to sleep away sometimes with friends, or someone retning a hotel room for a single night. I am not sure what I feel, exept as the hinge I feel a certain unge to fix things and also we will have to decide quick!

Any thoughts? My boyfriend comes in 8-9 days.

 

[kdt26417]

Re:

"Boyfriend's response is, 'Why can't I live with you?'"

Answer: "Because we haven't been able to find a large enough flat yet."

I kind of feel like your boyfriend is being oversensitive and taking this personally. Privacy is important and you need to be fair to everyone including your husband.

You've already booked the hotel. My vote is, keep your reservation. It's not far from your home so that's ideal.

 

[GreenApples918]

I think his question "why can't I" begs another question, "why is this a big deal?"
In other words...the space thing makes total sense. Maybe his sense of personal space is different from yours, but my guess is that he's really trying to express something else with his question. He may have some insecurities and is probably thinking, "what's wrong?" since being in the hotel will be more detached than when he was with you previously.

In order to help calm his fears, you might consider switching things up. If everyone can think of the hotel room as just "more space" and not "our apartment" vs "his hotel" then he'll be less likely to feel distanced from you.

Since you're the hinge in the V, what if you stay in the apartment and the men swap out where they sleep? Ok, maybe not all month long, but put some flexibility into it. You might even roll dice for who stays where each night, that could put some fun into it

 

[Inyourendo]

There's no room for him to stay qith you, simple as t hatm I wouldn't host if I had a 1 bedroom either. Sometimes Jane comes and spends the night with us but I wouldn't want to share my bed with her for a whole month and I would be willing to sleep on the couch while nate shared our bed with someone else either.

 

[Marcus]

Boyfriend 's response is, why can't I live with you?

These are the interesting challenges of poly, kind of the fun stuff. The responses you've had here are great, I just want to add my two cents real quick.

With his question, in my opinion it's important to just answer this stuff, promptly and honestly. I don't know how you answered him here but I certainly hope that you did and that you didn't beat around the bush. There's no room for playing games or half truths and certainly no time for trying to protect feelings - just get it out there.

The other thing is, since there are three people living together it's important to get three people in on the conversation *at the same time* whenever possible. Get it done on speaker phone or in the same room when the living situation conversation comes up. Avoid passing this stuff around with you in the middle. This is my ONLY exception to the "mind your relationships individually and stay out of everyone elses business" rule; you are living together as roommates so discuss the logistics as roommates. If they are passing notes to you and you are handing notes back to them... you are now in the seat of power and responsibility and I don't think you'll enjoy being there unless you guys are playing some kind of D/s games.

Otherwise I'm sure you guys will be fine, just be honest, be kind, everyone try to listen and don't coddle each other.

 

[Norwegianpoly]

I kind of feel like your boyfriend is being oversensitive and taking this personally.

My boyfriend is always trying to be the nice guy but sometimes that can come out as demanding because he can be stubborn about how things should be. I think his two reasons are:
- money (I already bear the bulk of our economy until he can get a better payed job, he feels bad about it, it is expensive but my husband offered to chip in so we will manage)
- and also the fact that he is not used to being alone. Like, ever. He has lived with his family, his workmates and - part time - me. Even just getting used to being without me in our flat was a big transition for him. He knows some people who live in my city but not a lot and we have not talked about how to spend the days. He also doesn't speak my language, although he speaks ok English. He might feel better about it if the three of us made an actual scedule about spending nights and also how to be social during this month. I am also thinking of getting him enrolled in a gym or something so that he can work out on the nights I am not with him.

 

[Norwegianpoly]

In order to help calm his fears, you might consider switching things up. If everyone can think of the hotel room as just "more space" and not "our apartment" vs "his hotel" then he'll be less likely to feel distanced from you.

Since you're the hinge in the V, what if you stay in the apartment and the men swap out where they sleep? Ok, maybe not all month long, but put some flexibility into it. You might even roll dice for who stays where each night, that could put some fun into it

My husband made a similar suggestion, too. He offered to be the one who stayed in the hotel, or that whoever spends the night spends it with me will be in the flat, or some other arrangement - he is really open to anything. I will give this some thought, and arrange so that the three of us talk this over together with the largest number of options

 

[Norwegianpoly]

There's no room for him to stay qith you, simple as t hatm I wouldn't host if I had a 1 bedroom either. Sometimes Jane comes and spends the night with us but I wouldn't want to share my bed with her for a whole month and I would be willing to sleep on the couch while nate shared our bed with someone else either.

If he was to stay in our flat, we would turn the flat into a sort of two bedroom without a living room-type of flat - it can work because that is how I lived with friends in the flat for two years before my husband moved in. We would have to buy a bed (which we need, anyway) and a new door for the room. The problem is more that the flat already feels a little crowded and also matters of noise and use of bathroom.

 

[Norwegianpoly]

With his question, in my opinion it's important to just answer this stuff, promptly and honestly. I don't know how you answered him here but I certainly hope that you did and that you didn't beat around the bush. There's no room for playing games or half truths and certainly no time for trying to protect feelings - just get it out there.

The other thing is, since there are three people living together it's important to get three people in on the conversation *at the same time* whenever possible. Get it done on speaker phone or in the same room when the living situation conversation comes up. Avoid passing this stuff around with you in the middle. This is my ONLY exception to the "mind your relationships individually and stay out of everyone elses business" rule; you are living together as roommates so discuss the logistics as roommates. If they are passing notes to you and you are handing notes back to them... you are now in the seat of power and responsibility and I don't think you'll enjoy being there unless you guys are playing some kind of D/s games.

Otherwise I'm sure you guys will be fine, just be honest, be kind, everyone try to listen and don't coddle each other.

Well, I am actually a bit overwealmed by everything, so I told him we would talk more about it later but I have been sort of out of myself. He had some stuff to work out himself, so I figure if we talk all three of us tomorrow or the day after tomorrow on Skype we can figure something out. We talk all three of us on Skype quite a lot. We are not just two dyads, I mean I have two relationships but the guys have a very strong platonic bond and regard each other as family. The guys talk in between them a lot and I don't even know half of what they are saying to each other (which was a bit scaring at first, since they talk about me a lot).

We don't stay out of each other's businiss, in fact we often take part in each others joys and doubts all three of us, and it happend more than once that I had a fight with one of them where I was de facto outnumbered because the guys usually defend each other (which I understand, since I am the one who tend to loose my head). You might say it creates a sort of power ballance, since I do hold a lot of power over two guys who both love me. I hope to honor that power by making some sound decitions and also talking about this in a manner that makes everyone heard.

 

[Marcus]

We don't stay out of each other's businiss, in fact we often take part in each others joys and doubts all three of us, and it happend more than once that I had a fight with one of them where I was de facto outnumbered because the guys usually defend each other (which I understand, since I am the one who tend to loose my head). You might say it creates a sort of power ballance, since I do hold a lot of power over two guys who both love me. I hope to honor that power by making some sound decitions and also talking about this in a manner that makes everyone heard.

Ah! Then forget everything I said because I have exactly no basis of understanding nor advice for a relationship like that. It sounds like the three of you have found a balance that's working for you though, and that's what's important; every relationship should fit to the members who populate it.

 

[Norwegianpoly]

Ah! Then forget everything I said because I have exactly no basis of understanding nor advice for a relationship like that. It sounds like the three of you have found a balance that's working for you though, and that's what's important; every relationship should fit to the members who populate it.

I guess the basis for our relationship is that the guys are pretty similar and relate to me in similar ways, so they will usually say "oh but the other guy means it well, he was just clumsy" or something like that - or something a little bit deeper- and they will be right, because they usually nail what the other guys means or how he thinks. I am sometimes even a bit envious because they understand each other very well and I used to feel a bit left out until I realized this gives me a great advantage! It is a little bit like dating two twins, haha We are just close. Sometimes I will ask my husband how my boyfriend is doing if I have been busy at work and not been in contact with him myself. My boyfriend feels very welcomed by my husband, and my husband is thrilled that my boyfriend is actually a nice, social guy since I used to sort of date a jealous, ambivalent guy who never wanted to discuss anything. The three of us have always been open with each other. My husband knew of my boyfriend's existance from the moment I found him attractive, and I got my husband's active permission to date him - when I flew back from my holiday, my husband and boyfriend were Facebook friends within a week. My boyfriend says he feels at home with us, and I hope we will figure out something to make him feel at home

 

[A2Poly]

My boyfriend says he feels at home with us, and I hope we will figure out something to make him feel at home

I understand his side. When I stay at Djinn and Mal's house I sleep on the couch because there are no extra bedrooms. For me it has to do with history, and a feeling of being part of the family. I could sleep in the travel trailer in the back yard, but it feels less 'family' and like I'm 'separate' somehow. Idk. It's perception, not reality, but it's so strong it still makes me uncomfortable to think about it. Djinn doesn't understand at all. She keeps saying 'it's like a love nest', 'I find it really cozy', etc. but my brain goes straight for the 'not included', 'not family' feelings.

So, I sleep on the couch. And when Mal and I want to share a bed we get a hotel room. Or once Djinn was away overnight so I spent (with her agreement) part of the night in their bed, but I went back to the couch in the early morning so the kids could 'wake me up' like they usually do. 'cause I'm family.

It's not perfect, and they're talking about moving in the next couple of years, and I'm hoping to be in a position to help them buy a house that suits all our needs better, but for the time being, this will do

 

[Norwegianpoly]

I share a bed with my men equally. Right now, we are discussing if I can be the "queen" of the bed and the men can have every other night in the bed (with me) and every other night in the hotel room.

 

[A2Poly]

I share a bed with my men equally. Right now, we are discussing if I can be the "queen" of the bed and the men can have every other night in the bed (with me) and every other night in the hotel room.

That sounds great, I hope it works out.

 

[Norwegianpoly]

He is still very concerned that he "shouldn't cost too much money", but when I explained to him that it would mean that the living room was small I think he got the point. Or not. He is very prideful, he is already taking my money for lots of occations and the pay of the hotel is a very concrete expense... I know his family, they are all like that. I take it as a sign that he wants to be independant and that he wants to chip in. He wanted to do that with our rented flat in his country, too, but he had to take up a big load to avoid military duty. I guess I just have to show him that I appreciate his contributions and that this is just how we have to do it now. We all would have preffered to stay together in a big flat, but right now that is not possible.

He suggested that we could stay in our family cabin, but I explained to him that it is 45 minutes with bus from the city (plus 1 km walk), we don't have a car, me and my husband will be working and it is not really convenient with the snow. I mean, in summer time it might have worked. Or we can go there for like a weekend when we have time off from work, but not as to "live" there during his stay.

I made a point out of saying that nothing is decided about sleeping arrangements in the flat + hotel(exept I will share a bed with each of them evey other night, like we did before), still that we could start by making me stay in the flat and them moving in between, and just see how that works out for us.