Poly/Mono advice

A

AmokBSN

New member
Hi all!

I've found it pretty hard getting in direct contact with poly groups or pages to try and seek some advice, if of course you are willing to do so!

So lets begin.

I ended up falling in love with a female who is absolutely amazing, she is poly knowing that I was mono however she and we both went openly in to the relationship and it was great for 10 months and at that point it unfortunately deteriorated. She explained that she can't be free in a mono relationship and of course that was very hard for me to listen to. We also knew we both could have communicated our feelings about this better however I think that wouldn't have saved anything. She is who she is and I have to respect how she feels. This was only one week ago.

We are still good friends just working through the hurt however I have now started to actively research polyamory. I've tried to knock down my own ideals and constructs I've created through my upbringing to see if its something that I could try and of course be happy with, seeing her happy in return makes me happy also!

I obviously do have my reservations, it would be a poly/mono relationship in my head if anything were to develop, I don't think I could physically go with another person while being with her however thats something she would be happy with.

I feel that I'm scared that I would be abandoned, feel extremely jealous, unloved and alone, especially when she would be looking to build NRE's

She has mentioned that her time would mostly be dedicated to me and I would always be her Primary relationship.

Would anyone be willing to offer some advice?
 
Both my guys are mono, but I live with both and I don't practice hierarchical poly. I wouldn't try to force yourself to tolerate your gf's polyness - I dated a couple of guys briefly who were trying the idea out and it messed with my head so bad! My current boyfriend actually thought about it for a month before asking me out on a date, and he read a lot about poly as well. I would recommend reading More Than Two and trying to be as sure as possible that this is really what you want.
 
Bluebird said:
Both my guys are mono, but I live with both and I don't practice hierarchical poly. I wouldn't try to force yourself to tolerate your gf's polyness - I dated a couple of guys briefly who were trying the idea out and it messed with my head so bad! My current boyfriend actually thought about it for a month before asking me out on a date, and he read a lot about poly as well. I would recommend reading More Than Two and trying to be as sure as possible that this is really what you want.
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She was much more open to the idea of keeping the relationship going and I was to some degree, I had spoken to friends about the prospects of a relationship like that however it seems to be unable to process for them.

I'm more more willing to try and re-build my thought processes and communicate more with my partner about as much as I possibly could. I've been on numerous websites (such as more than two) to read up on information and its quite informative.

I think once the bad feels are gone and I can start to process some of these thoughts and ideas it might be something I'm willing to open up to however I know this has to be something I know I'm going to be committed to doing and dealing with.

She is more in to the hierarchy model where I would be seen as the Primary (which I mentioned I would prefer) and that for instance I would feel quite bad having other round at our home when we eventually got one, which again she agreed with.

It seems like I've got a lot of options there however its just dealing with the extra or potentially hurtful feelings on a more regular basis!
 
Additionally does anyone have experiences or know of people in their life which are Poly/Mono?

Trying to get as much personal recounts as possible.
 
I dislike the Primary/Secondary model in which roles are assigned. It usually ends up treating the secondaries very badly.
 
My bf of 21 years was mono and I was poly.

I know of others as well.

The key (imho) is to really get down adn dirty with yourself and look into what it is you NEED versus strongly want to be fully and completely happy and healthy IN YOURSELF.
Because until you do that-the rest is arbitrary.

In mono relationships its somewhat easier to "fake it" because you can always use the neediness as an excuse for more attention and your partner to pick up the slack in your own self-responsibility.

But in a poly situation ESPECIALLY if you are mono-you have to be fully responsible for your own mental space/health.

There are blogs also written from the mono/poly view..

http://frombaltictoboardwalk.blogspot.com/2014/10/the-flip-side-of-saturation-or.html
I am "online acquainted" with this blogger, who tends to have a very realistic view of the situatoin, writing as a mono in a monopoly relationship. Also lists some links to additional monopoly info and to the morethantwo.com website which has some decent information regarding handling ones own emotions and re-considering previously held opinions for their validity.




polyinthemedia.blogspot.com
frequently shares links to a variety of poly articles etc
 
Not having a primary/secondary model was something my boyfriend wanted to be sure of, before we started seeing each other. He didn't want to limit our relationship before it had even started, and he felt that if he'd always be considered secondary, then why bother? When he had my assurance that I wanted another primary, and had the time to devote to him, he jumped at it.

There are some people who are ok with being a secondary though. YMMV
 
Hi Amok,

I'm Mono and my partner is Poly, so I'm happy to answer any questions you may have (although I've been on the boards sporadically lately).

I went through a pretty rough phase at the beginning of our relationship - like Bluebird's BF, I needed reassurance that I was not going to be relegated to a secondary position. I needed to know that there was room in our relationship for it to grow to be whatever it would be (and I had to take time to mourn for the things it could never be: marriage, for one). I needed reassurance that he and I would have an amount of time together that would make the relationship workable for me. I also needed to work through a LOT of insecurity on my part.

I still have a few insecurities (who doesn't, though?), but after 3 years, things have gotten much smoother for us, and we now spend more time just being *in* the relationship, rather than constantly processing and talking about it.

LovingRadiance hit the nail on the head (and I'm not just saying that b/c she mentioned my blog, but thanks, LR! :D ): figuring out what you NEED in a relationship is key. I used to find the "be your own primary partner" advice to be a bit trite when I was struggling, but it's true. If I can't stand to be alone with myself, and I start looking to other people in order to feel better, then when I *am* alone, I'm not going to know how to handle it. I wanted to glom onto my partner HARD in the beginning of our relationship, and in hindsight, we both feel that some alone time after my divorce would have done me some good, confidence-wise.

Anyway, I'm blathering, but I hope it helps. Feel free to toss out more questions. :)
 
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Let me repeat back so I know I got it right, ok?

RECENT PAST

(Monoamorous and monogamous you) and (your polyamorous and ? GF) were dating in a closed (monogamous model) for 10 mos. After trying it on, she comes to find it does NOT work for her. She is (polyamorous and polygamous.) Closed models do not work for her.

She made you aware. She's also stated she was willing to continue dating if you are willing to change the model to be an open relationship model of the (primary-secondary) kind. Every model has pros and cons.

You guys broke up up a week ago though... deciding it was not doable.

PRESENT PROBLEM

Now you wonder if you could go there. If it IS doable after all?

Well, you could have to sit and think and determine if you could actually participate in that model and find happiness within it. Or if this is you in the "bargaining stage" of grief post break up. Only you can make that call. And you could need to be really honest with yourself in order to make it. :eek:

  • Are you firmly (monoamorous and monogamous)? Where you love only one sweetie and want to be in a relationship model with only one person who also has only one sweetie that is you. And enjoy all her (time, energy, effort) type resources she shares only with you? And you enjoy giving her all your resources? And she enjoys receiving them?
  • Or could you be (monoamorous and polygamous) -- where you love only one sweetie, but can enjoy the fact that your sweetie has other sweeties?
    And enjoy that all her (time, energy, effort) type resources she shares with not just you but others? And you enjoy giving her all your resources? And she enjoys receiving them?

MY OPINION

I think that is only something YOU can answer. If you already know you are firmly (monogamous and monogamous), guard against trying to be something you are not. Stay broken up. Be friends.

If you are not sure, do not actually know this about yourself, and want to try it on with her to find out? Heal from breaking up first before starting a new thing with her.

Could think about what you are offering to do. And determine the time frame. Try it on for 6 mos? A year? And assess along the way (ex monthly) at at the end of the trial period if it is really a go?

Read first before you offer to go making new offers though. Especially in a recent break up period where both of you are still wobbly. Making big decisions while wobbly is not good.

Then make your counter offer to her. See if she is willing to try it on with you, or not. She might not.

At minimum I think these four sheets:

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

And maybe

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles

If you like books

Love In Abundance: A Counselor's Advice On Open Relationships by Kathy Labriola
Polyamory in the 21st Century: Love and Intimacy with Multiple Partners by Deborah Anapol

There are other links and books out there, but I think you can look those over and make an honest call if you have the personality for poly shipping, the skills for polyshipping, and if you are up for learning more or not from just those. If you discover it sounds like a drag and are you not up for learning more? Accept you are not up for changing models and relating in this way. That it was probably "bargaining stage" stuff you were working through. It's only been a week since the break up. :eek:

Polyshipping is not for everyone. That is ok. You can want what you want in your romantic relationships, and she can want what she wants in hers. You can be friends even if you have differing wants.

I rather you guys have a good parting and a good beginning of a new (good exes and friends) relationship than enter a crazy zone trying to force something that won't fly just to extend the togetherness in romantic relationship. YKWIM?

But in the end only you can determine what you are up for and not up for. Heal from the break up first. Give it some breather space in between parting and trying to start a new thing. Think long and hard about what you want, your willingness, your abilities, you personality in the meanwhile. Before you offer that changing to a primary-secondary model to her. Polyshipping is not a "bandaid" or an "extender."

That would be my advice. Go slow. Go informed. :eek:

GL!
Galagirl
 
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YouAreHere said:
LovingRadiance hit the nail on the head (and I'm not just saying that b/c she mentioned my blog, but thanks, LR! :D ): figuring out what you NEED in a relationship is key.
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Ok wow-I didn't make that connection YAH!
I actually knew of the blog from a fb group I am in.
BUT HI!
If you want-I can let you know who I am in that group so you don't wonder who the heck it is that figured out who you were here and there. Just pm me if you want to know.
ANyway-I do think it's an awesome blog!
 
Thank you all for the very in depth and kind responses! I think its been a little difficult to process the information on Polyamory because it can feel a little dry and obviously some of the subject matter can pretty dry.

However with all of the responses listed above I'm more than willing to go in to a little more of my thought processes and background.

You have hit the nail on the head with the situation GalaGirl, I understand and respect that I misjudged and completely overlooked Polyamory as a whole, we should have spoke about one another's feelings more openly and perhaps when the break came we probably wouldn't have felt so bad and broken and try to rush these decisions in a matter of a week or so which be both understood would be fairly impossible. Its too less of a time to re-structure and have the chance and feelings for it to fully work in a happy setting.

At the moment the levels of grief are all very mixed on both accounts and this is something I understand however my gut feeling and instinct does not want this person out of my life, I would love to be more than friends with her and see her happy and this is why I'm considering this approach, I'm having to reflect in myself as well as think about situations that will occur further down the line.

A few of the guidelines that I know she would be happy with when we had an 8 or so hour discussion in person a few days ago were:

- If we had the same house, the boundaries and space which we live in we be ours and ours only.
- She feels that I would be the long term primary in the relationship, she sees me as one of the most fun, smart and loving person she's been in a relationship with (which works both ways really)
- She would still want to share her most important experiences with me so for instance going to travel and mostly see's her as maybe seeing other people once a week.
- She understands that this shift is going to be difficult for me in the first few months however we both agree to speak openly about our feelings and consider everything by speaking honestly.
- She would only be with other Poly people (I wasn't sure if it worked like this)
- If she had another partner, does that have to be an intimate or sexual experience or is there the option not to.

These were some of the questions I had within a 3,000 text document and piece of research I constructed on myself and how I seen the overall situation and materials that I read. We do understand though that moving forward together is not the best option and we may look at dating after next year once our feelings have straightened out. We do however still want to hang out as friends which I am also very happy with.

With regards to my mono constructs as a person I've never really believed in marriage at all, I've been non-religious for pretty much my entire life however would be open to the concept providing the correct path was there, she did also mention that I was someone she wanted to marry and be with once we had our conversation which was really nice to hear.

I do feel that I could only just focus my attention on to her and thats for a various number of factors. I don't believe that I can love one person in my life, I love a lot of people in my life such as my relatives, my friends and even my work colleagues. I just have that connection with my ex-partner which I feel happy directing all of my energy to. If I were to split that, its not that I feel I wouldn't be giving her enough in return, I just don't want to deal with the probability of additional hurt from the other.

We are already quite good friends already which is something thats difficult for me as a whole or has been in past breakups however I feel that the conversations we've built have certainly helped bridge a few gaps and at least show both of our foundations.

Its been extremely difficult for me to approach extremely monogamous people about this subject as well and I'm entirely grateful that you are all giving me time to explain. I've been met with 'thats bullshit, she can do what she wants' however why shouldn't anyone be free to do what they want.

They see is as I'm just someone she can come to see when she wants rather than be my emotional support, my partner and someone who loves me for who I am. They are saying that I should just move on and find someone who will love only me for the future however that security is fleeting in any mono relationship as well as any poly relationship. My main fear I suppose is that I would have to deal with lots of emotions (fear, loneliness, jealousy) on a more regular basis and I do understand that the partners she may have in her life.

It would be nice to have a chat with someone one to one where conversation can flow and if anyone is willing to, I feel that would be very nice :)

Thanks,
Marc
 
My husband Murf is mono.

He too took sometime to himself to decide whether or not he wanted to date me when we first met.

I too do not practice hierarchical poly. Murf has never felt second to Butch
 
I also have the chance to meet a few people who are poly so I can develop better insight. This would be advantageous? I mean all of the answers scream yes so I think I may do that and try to get more answers from different perspectives.
 
- She understands that this shift is going to be difficult for me in the first few months however we both agree to speak openly about our feelings and consider everything by speaking honestly.
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Too short an estimate, IMHO. A "few months" to me is like 2-3 mos. That's not enough time when its big change for you. Everyone will vary, but I like this estimate of stages of change because it gives a rough timeframe.

http://www.eoslifework.co.uk/Images/fut1.gif

Be clear on thinking out your deal breakers though, and what the "abort mission!" stuff is.

My main fear I suppose is that I would have to deal with lots of emotions (fear, loneliness, jealousy) on a more regular basis and I do understand that the partners she may have in her life.
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Yup. You will. Two people involved? You deal in two people feelings. Three people, four people, etc involved? Then there is that many people feelings. wants, needs to balance out. So all can be mostly happy most of the time.

Welcome to the polymath. People don't liven a silo. We affect each other. To what extent it affects you depends on how participants come to agree to be together in polyship. And it changes every time a new partner joins or leaves or has something going on. Ripple effects are felt through the whole system, great or small. Kinda like jumping on a water bed and throwing all the other people sitting on it bobbling about. How bad the bobble? Depends on where they sit.

I am glad you are thinking things like that out. What your limits of tolerance are. What you are up for dealing in and what you are not. Keep sorting.

How would you minimize/handle poly hell stuff?
Jealousy?
More jealousy?

Stuff like that.

Galagirl
 
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Candiedlove said:
I dislike the Primary/Secondary model in which roles are assigned. It usually ends up treating the secondaries very badly.
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I very much agree with this. I completely understand you (OP) wanting to be primary. I understand a spouse wanting that. But is what you're proposing really fair to these other men who are going to be brought into the situation? To make sure they know they're number two and don't ultimately have a say in their own relationship?
 
We have some disagreement in my situation about hierarchy... Hubby is known to say things like "I'm your husband, he's just your boyfriend," which implies that he sees S2 as my secondary. But *I* don't see it that way, and I've told him that. I have a more complete, deeper life with Hubby by virtue of the fact that we live together, have been a couple for six and a half years, married for four and a half, share household expenses, have raised Alt and Country together, etc.; whereas S2 and I have only been together for four months (today!), don't cohabitate, don't share any financial or parental responsibilities.

YET.

I don't consider either Hubby or S2 to hold a higher place in my life or heart. I just have more of my life entangled, for want of a better word, with Hubby's than with S2's at this point because of the length and nature of each relationship. However, I can easily see things progressing to the point where I'm equally entangled with each of them, and where I either split time between their households or the three of us cohabitate.

As far as being monoamorous involved with someone who's polyamorous, as far as I can tell, both of my guys are mono. I think that might be a contributing factor to Hubby's seeing things as a hierarchy. But I communicate clearly and often with each of them, and have made it clear that my number one goal in the situation is to make sure they're comfortable and feel like they're getting a fair share of my time and attention. (Note that even when we aren't talking hierarchy, "fair" does not necessarily mean "equal.") As I said, S2 and I have only been together four months, but so far everything seems to be working quite well.

Amok, it sounds like you and your girlfriend have opened up a strong line of communication. The biggest piece of advice I would give you is to remember that the only "wrong" way to conduct a polyamorous situation is the way that doesn't work for everyone involved. In other words, if you're open and honest, and you make sure everyone's on board with and is comfortable with how things are going, you get to make your own decisions about how it works.
 
GalaGirl said:
Too short an estimate, IMHO. A "few months" to me is like 2-3 mos. That's not enough time when its big change for you. Everyone will vary, but I like this estimate of stages of change because it gives a rough timeframe.
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Its a very strong point to make, we would have to strongly communicate with each other on our feelings on a regular basis and even using the dating phase it would probably be best if we made that last for a while without rushing in to everything again and us being overwhelmed with emotions and ideas that don't quite click yet however I do understand that the experience may be the only way to fully understand how I'll operate within the situation. I would never go in to that knowingly that it would end up with us emotional wrecks though. I value the friendship we still have at the moment extremely high and I know she does too, the last thing I would want is for that to dissolve.

On the positive side we are still continuing to be fairly close friends, everything is still very raw (I have looked at the graph you provided GalaGirl) I'm still feeling the cusp of loss, anxiety and regret which I am currently dealing with and I am extremely confident in my own feelings and abilities that this will subdue within a month or so.

We will still hang out be it sitting in watching silly DVD's or play video games which we used to do however I don't think that having a sexual connection could be the best thing either, sure its great! However developing a connection of love like this may not reap any rewards for the future. How do you guys feel about this?

I very much agree with this. I completely understand you (OP) wanting to be primary. I understand a spouse wanting that. But is what you're proposing really fair to these other men who are going to be brought into the situation? To make sure they know they're number two and don't ultimately have a say in their own relationship?
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I am very acknowledging of these feelings as well, for one I wouldn't want to be the ultimate ruler of the decisions and if that were the case we would have to explore and meet an agreement. Everyone should be happy in the arrangement.

For me speaking from my internal constructs I have experienced a lot of loss in my life with many close family members passing at a very young age and loss is a feeling I'm very common to dealing with. It gets easier to some degree however you can never not 'unfeel' I guess with someone else stepping in as a primary I understand I could almost then feel secondary or like I'm losing again.
 
We will still hang out be it sitting in watching silly DVD's or play video games which we used to do however I don't think that having a sexual connection could be the best thing either, sure its great! However developing a connection of love like this may not reap any rewards for the future. How do you guys feel about this?
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Could you be willing to clarify? I am confused.

  • Do you mean share sex with your exGF/friend right now? I would not. Could confuse the issues as you talk about getting back together and trying on a poly model.
  • Do you mean share sex with people you poly-date later on? Same thing. Date. Like go out with someone, digest. Could not rush to leap into bed to share sex with people. It could cloud thinking.

Maybe view poly-dating as a series of "Small Openings" with breaks to process rather than "Opening Full Wide" from the starting gate? Kinda depends on your personalities and each one's ability to digest and process changes.

Galagirl
 
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Candiedlove said:
I dislike the Primary/Secondary model in which roles are assigned. It usually ends up treating the secondaries very badly.
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I have to disagree with this statement. I think it goes badly when two people have different ideas of where the secondary fits into the picture. I am a secondary to my secondary. We know exactly where we stand with each other. While we always put our primary's first, we in no way neglect each other or treat each other poorly. Anytime we in any way question where we stand with the other, we communicate with each other immediately. The primary/secondary model works for many of us. Both of us have families and homes and children and this model works with a lot of communication and a lot of understanding.
 
Sorry Gala,

What I should have clarified on my very rushed attempt to get a response out while I was working on various other duties however you managed to get the gist of it with your first response.

Obviously with us hanging out around town, catching up for a coffee or which other outside experiences happen is all fine and well however we do like to watch the same kind of silly shows, listen to various podcasts, play co-operative video games or just be around each others aura.

I am completely open to her coming around to my place to continue to do those activities, its fun. Also without going too much in to her background she's currently seeking help for a range of issues (should I have incited a warning for triggers here?) and the option for her to talk to me, open up is something I don't want to take away from her. She still cares for me deeply as do I for her and if this is part of the process for her to feel comfortable and happy in her own skin and happy for the choices she makes/feels. I want to encourage that.

I suppose my main concern would be if of course she would be sleeping over then the chances of something happening in a sexual context could increase. We never split because we were mean to one another. She just realised that she is happier in a Poly relationship.

It's slightly difficult to approach that, I know she wouldn't be 'using me' so to speak as she just wants to love and really appreciates that type of connection we had and still exists however on the other hand for me still trying to come to grips with perhaps us never being able to be in a relationship that I prefer, you know because I'm a straight mono guy for the most part in a state of researching and exploring.

Its only been a short time and I completely understand the emotions I'm going through, I'm quite used to it and generally I'm a quick healer. I know that I wouldn't feel hurt if she didn't want to have sexual interaction with me and she was working on building a new relationship, if these kind of things are life fulfilling, thats great!

I also realise/know it just blindly assumes from how I've written this that I portray she's coming over, she wants sex. I don't want to convey her personality like that or my perception of her to others on this forum.

And here lies the slight conundrum and main point (sorry for wall of text), if by saying no to that, would I potentially be really hurting her feelings? She could feel like she's lost an aspect of the love and bond that we share and may perhaps just see that we just can't be friends. I don't want her to feel like I'm pushing her away and I would always be her friend!

I suppose I'm already scratching at the surface of an answer. I've perhaps went around in circles when I should be just looking at direct solutions.
 
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