Poly/Mono advice

You are broken up. IMHO? Do not agree to share sex if she invites you to share sex with her. "Broken up" means that you no longer do certain things. BE broken up.

It is not your job to help her with her issues. Leave deep convo on that to her therapist or counselor.

It is not your job to prop her up in her feelings. It is your job to take care of you appropriately.

I could be wrong, but I get the vibe of weak boundaries here. That is not healthy for either of you.

You take care of you first. That is not being selfish or cutting her off. It is necessary for healthy relating. You meet your needs and then can gift your efforts toward helping to meet the needs of others in a balanced way. So you are not running yourself ragged and depleting self. Anyone who cares about you would not want you to run yourself down to the nubbins in service to them.

It is like putting your own oxygen mask on in a plane before helping others. You would run out of air and be useless to self and others if you did not take care of YOU first.

Declining Sex is not you declining a friendship. If she walks away because you do not put out when she wants you to? That is messed up.

Galagirl
 
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You are very astute with your observations Gala and I extremely appreciate your time and effort you put in to your points. I personally thank you for it as well as every other member who has contributed to this thread.

I am broken up to some degree however if you asked me two weeks ago how I was feeling then it would be total despair. Now I'm actually feeling extremely positive and energetic. Like I mentioned I am an extremely quick healer and I realise that I'm not out of the woods yet, I've got some time to go however I feel the mending process.

I do acknowledge on doing that though!

In some sense I do like that she is able to communicate to me with her feelings, everyone should be able to talk to someone they trust and I know she doesn't have a large circle of friends she can do this on a regular basis with. I by no means feel like this is a negative or I'm being burdened by what she is saying. She is able to express herself.

She is a very strong person with strong morals and perhaps I didn't really put forward that idea, of which I apologise. I do know what she wants in life and this is where it starts to become more about me. At the moment I'm exploring (which I know you are well aware of) the prospect of changing and adapting.

Hah, Gala although we are talking through a forum you have again, hit the nail on the head, even as to how other perceive me. Others do feel like I put a lot of energy in and try to help anyone in any way, shape or form. Thats just my personality. I'm always willing to give all of my energy, feel run down and no one can give it back.

I do see that and I'm starting to acknowledge that it should be two ways.

I guess in order for me to explain this is like saying time is a circular circle and the thoughts I've been trying to process or even through going in to long periods of research or trying to find other people in the flesh to talk about this concept and way of living is quite difficult.

TRIGGERS PLEASE DON'T READ IF THIS WILL AFFECT YOU







I have tried to open up to my work colleagues on this idea which has been met with concurrent refusal, I have tried to explain the concept from every angle even countering their argument with facts and even outlooks on life in general.

My work colleagues are great by the way, we all work within the creative industries and work with people from various backgrounds however... this seems different.

They meet the idea from what I can see now as quite manipulative.

Why would I consider this? I deserve better? I deserve someone who will love only me for me. You are the nicest most open guy I know, why are you even considering this and putting this much energy in to it? You are putting all of this effort in, why isn't she doing the same to make it work?

These, in a nutshell are some of the regular questions my 'friends' have presented to me, at first I thought, sure, thats an interesting way to put it however I've completely 180'd on those thoughts.

What I am deserving of is a mute point, we all want to feel content, happy. I already know that I'm loved. I will put energy into something I have little understanding of to see if it can work. I already know she has explored these elements in her life and they don't work and now, its time for me to look at myself to see if it can work and see if there can be unity.
 
Amok, here is an active Yahoo group for poly/mono discussion. It's a private group, but you just apply and are accepted, so the threads will be available for particiaption. The group is open to both poly and mono partners.


Polyamorists with monogamous partners

I'll mention that I'm poly and my husband of 16 years is mono. When I came out last winter, we had quite a challenge in our marriage, but after months of many questions and heartfelt discussion, we've found our stasis once again. We're in a somewhat different situation than you are, so I won't attempt any advice here, but I just wanted to encourage you that at the risk of sounding cheesy, anything is possible where there is love. It certainly sounds to me like you both have this going for you. People are capable of shifting their thinking to enormous extents and expanding what is possible - happily possible.

~ Karen
 
There's a sister group for the mono partners as well, which focuses more on the mono support side of things: https://groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/PolyMono/info

Either group will welcome both poly and mono members, but this group is primarily for the mono partners while the link HappyFallenAngel posted is primarily for the poly partners.
 
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