Poly of Mono

P

poly6

New member
I have a question. Is it better to enter(or start) a poly relationship with someone who is mono? Let me go into detail with this. I am not in a relationship. Let's say a girl and I start dating, I'm poly, she's mono. Would it be better to not start the relationship at all? Would it be better to start it and tell her I'm poly early on? Tell her before it's started? Tell her long afterwards, when it's lasted for a long time and is going extremely well? Or is it better to get with someone who is actually poly, rather than hoping the mono one will come around?

Please help.
 
I say be upfront with her and tell her that you're poly right off the bat. Then it's her choice to see if she wants to stick around or if she's looking for a mono partner. It's a risk for you, but she needs to know that being poly is an important part of you.

When my husband and I decided to open up our relationship years ago, I thought I was mono. After falling in love with one of my best friends, I am decidedly not mono! I may have continued my mono lifestyle for a while, if not for my guy. I didn't know what I want until it happened.
 
Imo honesty from day one is best. It is not fair to lure someone into a relationship model with the guise of being mono then changing the circumstances mid game.

Murf one of my husbands is mono. As soon as he asked me out on a date I let him know my circumstances. He made an informed decision on whether or not he wanted a relationship with me.
 
Then tell her when you see her. That's not a good thing to spring on someone later on when you know now that monogamy is not what you want.
 
I haven't actually asked anyone out by the way, I just want to know for future notice. So I should tell her before asking her out? How do I do that?
 
I would say as soon as possible too. I have no desire for poly relationships so don't need to worry about that communication. That said, I don't live conventionally and I do need to make that clear to people up front. In particular I don't want and won't have children - if I became pregnant by accident I would have an abortion. I am also opposed to marriage on moral grounds - I would only consider it in exceptional circumstances that meant it was important that I become a partner's legal next of kin.

I don't want to start a relationship with somebody who would love a family and married life. Or with somebody who has small children. It would not be fair on somebody who wanted a wife and kids to deny them that or fair on me to go through it being a constant issue.

Having said that, I can't imagine anybody feeling like they knew me well enough to ask me out and not knowing that stuff about me. At the very least it would come up during very initial getting to know each other conversations.
 
It is easy... "Hey so and so... Would you like to do xyz with me?" If they are receptive then the next words should be about how you are poly. If you have partner then you explain their existance. If you are solo poly then you explain that.

This then allows the other person to make an informed decision on whether or not they want to date you.
 
I am always up front about being poly, and the type of relationship structure I have and what I am searching for long term. When I first met PunkRockAwesomesauce, he friended me on facebook and started chatting. I asked him if he was interested in dating and he said he was thinking about it, and then I told him that I was poly. He said he'd really have to think about iit! We talked a lot about relationship structure prior to our first date. There was lots of chemistry, but it would have been a real jerkface thing for me to do, to suddenly spring on him that I was married, later on. If he wasn't ok with it, why would I want to waste his time and mine?

I think waiting could cause you all sorts of heartache and unnecessary drama. Discuss what you are doing before the first date, or on the first date. It took my boyfriend a month to talk out the idea of being together before we actually went out. He needed to get it clear in his own mind - what it would look like, dating someone who was polyamorous. When he understood that I don't practice hierarchy and that my husband wasn't going to be able to veto, he was amiable to taking a chance.
 
poly6 said:
Or is it better to get with someone who is actually poly, rather than hoping the mono one will come around?
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This, of course. Do you really think it's ethical to manipulate a single mono girl into a relationship with you, get her emotionally invested, and than have her coerced into letting you be with others, since otherwise she'll lose someone she loves?

Are you trying to be poly or build a harem?
 
How many relationships have you had, btw? You sound fairly inexperienced in dating. And trying to manage several relationships when you don't know how to manage ONE is usually a terrible idea.

Be honest with the girl that you don't want monogamy. But I wouldn't try to actively practice poly, either, until you gain a bit more experience.

Any relationship building skills are relevant, btw. Managing people in a company counts, too.
 
To answer your question none yes, but I wasn't planning on jumping straight into a poly relationship anyway. I'm still trying to just find one, and when I do stick with her for an extended amount of time(several years I always thought, but who knows) before even thinking about moving on to another.

No I'm not trying to build a harem.
 
poly6 said:
To answer your question none yes, but I wasn't planning on jumping straight into a poly relationship anyway. I'm still trying to just find one, and when I do stick with her for an extended amount of time(several years I always thought, but who knows) before even thinking about moving on to another.
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Things can be done this way, too. I did it - have never been in a monogamous relationship. I was always upfront about only wanting open relationships, with the intent of it becoming poly. I strongly advice you to be honest from the very beginning, latest on the first date, about the relationship structure you want.

poly6 said:
Or is it better to get with someone who is actually poly, rather than hoping the mono one will come around?
Click to expand...

Probably it is better to date polys from the beginning. Mono/poly relationships can work, too. BUT, if you are intending to stay with only one person for quite a while to start with (which is a good idea per se), a mono girl might be lured to think that your poly talk in the beginning was just empty talk and here we are monogamous now... and it might be very difficult to open the relationship after a few years. In that sense it would be better to find a poly person.

It is good to think about these things and make theoretical plans... and then life happens and who knows what kind of a situation you find yourself in ;) Best of luck in dating!
 
Hi poly6,

I'm not much of a dating person. Have barely been on any formal dates, and none of them led to a lasting relationship. I have always gotten involved with people by being platonic friends with them for quite awhile first. Romance always developed later on down the line and quite unexpectedly.

I would permit as much as a couple of dates, but no more, before telling someone that you are polyamorous. Now if they are just a platonic friend to you, then there's not so much pressure or such a hurry. But if you are going straight into dating with someone new, you have to say something like, "I have to tell you I'm polyamorous. Is that okay?" If they ask, "What's polyamorous?" you say, "It's when you can be in love with more than one person at a time, as long as everyone knows about it and agrees with it."

Learn all you can about poly and be ready to answer questions. It might be helpful to read some of the prominent books on the subject:

  • "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino.
  • "More than Two: a practical guide to ethical polyamory," by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert.
  • "The Ethical Slut: a practical guide to polyamory, open relationships and other adventures," by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy.
  • "Sex at Dawn: how we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships," by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá.
  • "Polyamory: the new love without limits," by Deborah Anapol.
  • "The Polyamorists Next Door: inside multiple-partner relationships and families," by Elisabeth Sheff.
  • "Polyamory: roadmaps for the clueless and hopeful," by Anthony Ravenscroft.
Hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
poly6 said:
I have a question. Is it better to enter (or start) a poly relationship with someone who is mono? Let me go into detail with this. I am not in a relationship. Let's say a girl and I start dating, I'm poly, she's mono. Would it be better to not start the relationship at all? Would it be better to start it and tell her I'm poly early on? Tell her before it's started? Tell her long afterwards, when it's lasted for a long time and is going extremely well? Or is it better to get with someone who is actually poly, rather than hoping the mono one will come around?

Please help.
Click to expand...

Please, do not pursue the bolded option.

If, after you say, "I am not interested in a monogamous relationship," she thinks she would be interested in a poly relationship, that's great. If, following your full disclosure, she thinks she would not be interested in being poly herself, but would be find dating someone who has other partners, that's also great.

The problem in withholding that information, when you know it now, is that you'd be leveraging someone's developing feelings toward you in a way that I see as kind of coercive.

I got surprised by the poly announcement nine years into my relationship with Xicot, and we're trying to figure out if I can adjust. The only reason I'm trying is that he also got surprised by falling in love with another person. Had he known from the beginning that he wanted to have other partners, but waited to tell me until he was sure I wouldn't leave, I'd have been pretty pissed, and I wouldn't be struggling to acclimate.

Another problem in withholding information that will affect a potential partner's life is that it makes it seem as if you see your polyamorous nature as something to be ashamed of. If you know about it, and you're fine with it, then only prospective partners who are also fine with it are truly compatible with you.

That might decrease your dating pool somewhat. But it will also decrease drama.
 
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