SNeacail
New member
I'm beginning to think they idiot ment that he didn't want to set himself up to expect sex.
Poly or not?
- Thread starter TornHeart
- Start date
I'm beginning to think they idiot ment that he didn't want to set himself up to expect sex.
CielDuMatin
New member
Even if it took a little "liquid courage" well done. I really feel that you did the right thing. I am curious as to whether he bothers to contact you and try to talk things through with you. You said before that he was a good salesman, so be prepared for him to try the sales job on you again.
lovefromgirl
New member
TornHeart, well done. Sad that you found him in the company of someone who is likely a far better person than he is, isn't it? But let's let her cope with his crap. You are out of it now.
Second step: no postmortems. No long strings of emails. CdM's right; he may well try to sell you on why the relationship needs to continue. (I can say this from painful personal experience. In my case, the prize specimen wrote up the loss of my virginity and tried to send it to me.)
You owe no explanation; his friend probably has a good idea of why, anyhow. You owe no closure. Don't let anyone guilt-trip you into thinking otherwise.
Second step: no postmortems. No long strings of emails. CdM's right; he may well try to sell you on why the relationship needs to continue. (I can say this from painful personal experience. In my case, the prize specimen wrote up the loss of my virginity and tried to send it to me.)
You owe no explanation; his friend probably has a good idea of why, anyhow. You owe no closure. Don't let anyone guilt-trip you into thinking otherwise.
AnnabelMore
Active member
Good for you!!! The only thing I take issue with is this: "He says I'm being confrontational, which I was... and I know in hindsight I shouldn't have been." What's wrong with being confrontational now and then when the situation calls for it? Good on you for not standing for his lack of integrity. Good for her for also standing up for honesty. Best of luck moving on!
I did get a text saying he apologizes for what happened. he said his intention wasn't to deceive but that he sees how i feel he did. he says i'm important to him and that if i need anything at all that i could let him know. otherwise, he said he'd let me be. he ended his text with 'cheers'.
CHEERS.
The sad thing for me is I think he doesn't think he's in the wrong. He stresses on things like how in The Ethical Slut poly people are encouraged to continually change their own rules. So maybe in his head he's changed his rules and therefore he's right to do as he pleases. I doubt he's sorry at all.
CHEERS.
The sad thing for me is I think he doesn't think he's in the wrong. He stresses on things like how in The Ethical Slut poly people are encouraged to continually change their own rules. So maybe in his head he's changed his rules and therefore he's right to do as he pleases. I doubt he's sorry at all.
Don't worry about what he feels or thinks. He's weird.
Worry about YOU and your thinks and feels and now that his murky waters are out of your buckets, your mental health bucket, emotional health bucket, physical health bucket, and spiritual health bucket are going to improve.
Yay!
hugs
GG
Worry about YOU and your thinks and feels and now that his murky waters are out of your buckets, your mental health bucket, emotional health bucket, physical health bucket, and spiritual health bucket are going to improve.
Yay!
hugs
GG
ParadigmCrime
New member
heh posts like this make me confused.. but i guess its just my take on poly.
Sure Im poly, but its probably years down the line before I even think I might love one of my flings.
I tell people Im poly... i dunno I guess people jump into love with poly, as fast as mono people do!?
Not me..
I guess Im mostly FWB type person, until something fruits from it. I dont believe in love at first sight, I dont believe in jumping into serious relationships.. at minimum.. MINIMUM a year of getting to know eachother, its -possible- it might be serious
and/.... always always always use protection!
My recent EX and I, didnt have many rules.. but protection was a must unless it was between us, or with someone else that the other was also with, who they fucked unprotected.. because... well it doesnt really matter at that point? There were two other people in our 9 yr history.. that yes, we both were sexual and had relations of some sort with.. strangely? never at the same time.. First was my other lover, who I was actually poly with. She had a fling with her, but both were serious with me on their own. The second was her other lover, who I had a fling with, but she was serious with both of us on her own ?? confusing I guess.. but not really
Sure Im poly, but its probably years down the line before I even think I might love one of my flings.
I tell people Im poly... i dunno I guess people jump into love with poly, as fast as mono people do!?
Not me..
I guess Im mostly FWB type person, until something fruits from it. I dont believe in love at first sight, I dont believe in jumping into serious relationships.. at minimum.. MINIMUM a year of getting to know eachother, its -possible- it might be serious
and/.... always always always use protection!
My recent EX and I, didnt have many rules.. but protection was a must unless it was between us, or with someone else that the other was also with, who they fucked unprotected.. because... well it doesnt really matter at that point? There were two other people in our 9 yr history.. that yes, we both were sexual and had relations of some sort with.. strangely? never at the same time.. First was my other lover, who I was actually poly with. She had a fling with her, but both were serious with me on their own. The second was her other lover, who I had a fling with, but she was serious with both of us on her own ?? confusing I guess.. but not really
heh posts like this make me confused.. but i guess its just my take on poly.
Sure Im poly, but its probably years down the line before I even think I might love one of my flings.
I tell people Im poly... i dunno I guess people jump into love with poly, as fast as mono people do!?
Not me..
I guess Im mostly FWB type person, until something fruits from it. I dont believe in love at first sight, I dont believe in jumping into serious relationships.. at minimum.. MINIMUM a year of getting to know eachother, its -possible- it might be serious
and/.... always always always use protection!
And that's cool if you are honest with whoever you do hook up with from the start and use protection always. Thing with this guy I am talking about is, he lied and said he was only sleeping with me and the other girl. All three of us have been tested and as far as the girl and I know, it's just the two of us and him. Then I find out about his other conquests. That's where the deceit comes in and it ain't pretty...
cuninglingwist
Banned
he has no interest in polly
your the perfect girlfriend for a guy that loves having sex with other girls, he knows you will not complain because your polly, if he has to be reminded to ware a condom he is not going to ware one, he dosent ware one with you!
being polly with a known group of friends where you are all available only to each other is one thing, but having sex with anyone you find is willing is called being sexually single.
your the perfect girlfriend for a guy that loves having sex with other girls, he knows you will not complain because your polly, if he has to be reminded to ware a condom he is not going to ware one, he dosent ware one with you!
being polly with a known group of friends where you are all available only to each other is one thing, but having sex with anyone you find is willing is called being sexually single.
cuninglingwist
Banned
try this
If you and the other girl get along as friends and enjoy each other sexually then I think you should dump the male whore till you find one who wants to be with the two of you exclusivly
If you and the other girl get along as friends and enjoy each other sexually then I think you should dump the male whore till you find one who wants to be with the two of you exclusivly
way to put things in perspective.
Actually just received a long text from him today indicating that he is massively pissed off at me for my "behavior" last Friday night (ie when i confronted him in front of his friend). he said that he saw a side of me he would not tolerate and therefore never forget and that it would be hard to even move forward as friends.
I couldn't believe what I was reading and it really made me think this guy does not think he's done anything wrong at all. He said that all he agreed to was this: He has sex with someone/anyone. He tells me and the other girl afterwards. That's it.
I don't remember making that agreement with him. Seems to me he just decided that on his own.
I'm very sad. Sad because I let this guy in my heart, not to mention in my vagina. I feel so hurt and actually disgusted with myself. Even really annoyed that he thinks to this day he's done nothing wrong and that I and the other girl are the psychotic ones. He's quick to use the word "psycho" too...
I know he isn't worth it, but I can't help but feel like crumpling down on the floor because I failed myself. I know not all poly people are this way, but it sure makes me think if this is good enough for me.
Ugh.
He does a bad and he doesn't want to own it. So he has to turn it around on you and rewrite the episode in his weird brain. So he can walk away feeling good about himself and his weirdo ways.
I am SO sorry.
*hug*
You got a raw deal -- and really the only thing you did was go bareback. You tried to do it ethically with limiting it to him and the first girl with testing and you wanted to be able to trust but... well. You held up your end. You did NOTHING wrong.
He did not hold up his end. Because he's not a Jedi player. Jerk. That is not your fault.
Sigh. But it hurt you, and now you have to revise you barrier sex policy.
Do your revisions.
Do your self care.
Lean on friends here in real life. I'm hoping your tests come back clean.
Then this idiot can be flushed from your life/brain space/time like the shit he has turned out to be. Grrrr. Gives honestly dating people of all stripes -- not just the poly ones -- a bad taste in their mouths to encounter idiots like him. Ugh.
*big hugs*
GG
He does a bad and he doesn't want to own it. So he has to turn it around on you and rewrite the episode in his weird brain. So he can walk away feeling good about himself and his weirdo ways.
I am SO sorry.
*hug*
You got a raw deal -- and really the only thing you did was go bareback. You tried to do it ethically with limiting it to him and the first girl with testing and you wanted to be able to trust but... well. You held up your end. You did NOTHING wrong.
He did not hold up his end. Because he's not a Jedi player. Jerk.
That is not your fault. Sigh. But it hurt you, and now you have to revise you barrier sex policy.
Do your revisions.
Do your self care.
Lean on friends here in real life. I'm hoping your tests come back clean.
Then this idiot can be flushed from your life/brain space/time like the shit he has turned out to be. Grrrr. Gives honestly dating people of all stripes -- not just the poly ones -- a bad taste in their mouths to encounter idiots like him. Ugh.
*big hugs*
GG
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BoringGuy
Banned
This guy is NOT poly! He is a shitbag who is abusing language and people!
Do something nice for yourself. Get a new hair color, eat a quart of Ben & Jerry's, buy yourself a new pair of shoes, or three - whatever it takes to make yourself feel special and stop mourning for the loss of something that never was what it seemed to be.
Easier said than done, but not that hard to do in perspective.
IndieSolo
Active member
Can you block him? I would send a text to him that says, "Not interested in your rants. DO NOT contact me again."
I doubt it was love. You were infatuated with the fantasy of his presentation. Don't get down on yourself for that. Forgive yourself and consider this a learning opportunity, and think about what it taught you. Let it help you formulate stronger boundaries for yourself, then move on.
Don't keep letting him win by getting to you. He isn't worth spending time thinking about him. Leave those thoughts alone. Do what you can to rise above self-pity and bitterness. When those thoughts come up, do not entertain them, and occupy yourself with other things. Pay him no credence. What's done is done. Lessons learned.
AutumnalTone
New member
I identify as poly. I've been this way since I first began paying attention to the curves the girls sprouted in junior high. I always wondered why I couldn't be involved with this one AND that one AND the one over there.... There was nothing involved with that wondering and the urge to have multiple connections that involved hiding them from each other--the desire was always to have all of the relationships known and respected.
So, I have to say he's not poly. He may be horny and want to fuck around. That's a far cry from wanting to have serious, enduring relationships out in the open.
You took that right out of my journal, didn't you?
CielDuMatin
New member
If it's any consolation, I would suggest that you didn't fall in love with him, you fell in love with the person you thought he was. He turned out to be a long way from that, and you are dealing with that change in perception of him.
Don't beat yourself up that he did a great sell-job on you - the best thing to do is to look back, and see if, knowing what you know now, there was anything going on that you can now see should have been a red flag to you. The advantage of this is that you can learn from your experience and take steps (asking the right questions, observing actions, etc.) that can prevent someone from doing this to you again.
Poly is so much about being ethical. This guy was working with a set of ethics that were at best suspect.