Poly Parenting

I

ImpossibleGirl

New member
Hello there, I'm in need of some advice.

My partners and I recently celebrated the birth of our first child, Little W. And I mean very recent- she was born last Wednesday! Our wife, Bad Wolf, and I had become pregnant at the same time, so we were only three days apart. Little W was born about two weeks early, while I am due this Friday.

Introducing one baby into our routine at home and getting used to her has been relatively easy. She's a wonderfully easy baby, and Bad Wolf has been recovering well. However, there are other unexpected issues I find myself running into. I feel somehow left out of the excitement.

At Little W's birth, both the Doctor (father; Doctor Who reference, he isn't actually a doctor) and I were in the delivery room. I had to work that day and Little W was born just after 11, and since I am still very pregnant I was exhausted by the time things had finished. Once Bad Wolf had done skin to skin with Little W, and it was time for measurements and tests and all that goodness, it was nearing two in the morning. I knew there was limited space in the postpartum room, so my only option was to drive home and come back in the morning. I left that night without holding my daughter, too unsure of myself and concerned about interrupting bonding for either Bad Wolf or the Doctor.

I talked to my partners about this afterwards, and admitted that I felt left out of things and knew it wasn't actually true. I'm a mess of many hormones and I know it. Yet when they brought Little W home, I was still feeling that way. Between Bad Wolf and the Doctor, there's very little for me to do for Little W, so I spend my time keeping the house clean and making meals to help out. I keep them informed that I still feel this way, and things have slowly gotten better- yesterday I started helping to change her diapers and holding her more.

After speaking to a family friend about my feelings, he suggested that I need bonding time with Little W just as they do. However, I've taken early childhood classes (I'm studying to become a teacher) and I'm highly sensitive to their bonding time, their need to adjust to being new parents, and not wanting to insert myself too little or too much so early on.

Am I being too sensitive, possibly overthinking this? Are there any other parents out there who may have had similar issues?

Thanks in advance!
 
I think you are being too sensitive. If you feel you want to hold the baby more, then do it. You are responsible to take care of your needs, just as the other two parents should being looking after themselves as well. It is good that you are thinking of them, but don't put your needs last.

That said, if your other baby is due this week, I don't think you are going to have a whole lot of time to focus on this - soon you will all be very busy with both babies!
 
Congratulations on the birth of your daughter and the impending birth of your second child :)

I agree with Bluebird. I think you're over thinking it (and as you've said, the hormones are playing a role in that.) If you want to be considerate of their needs, hold her while they do things like shower, nap, or eat. I'd also add that bonding isn't necessarily an instantaneous thing (even with biological mothers.) It grows and strengthens over time. You have a lifetime to bond with her :)
 
Congratulations on the birth! What an event and being pregnant adds to that excitement for sure.

I can understand that you are feeling insecure and unsure how to act, as this is the first child in the family. Our twins were born a year ago and all three parents were present. Due to blood loss I was in intensive care for the first night and the babies stayed with their fathers. It was absolutely OK for me and I was happy that they held them, helped out with the daily care and so on, because I was really exhausted. Having said this, it is highly individual how you perceive the first days and weeks with your child. Have you actually asked how Bad Wolf feels about you attending to the baby? Does she need her exclusive time 24/7 or is she happy when you relieve her of some of the stress?

I would try to talk this out first. It does not help to add stress to this already tender and sensitive point in time. You did not tell us how their reaction looked like when you informed them that you had felt left out. Was there no reaction?
 
Of course you can insert yourself early on! You are the babys parent, too. The sooner the baby knows the better. I am sure that after you have given birth yourself, caring for the kids together will come natural.
 
You'll get your day in the sun too. Would breastfeeding little w when your milk comes in help you feel bonded to her? I think having two breastfeeding women in the house would be incredibly convenient
 
ImpossibleGirl said:
Hello there, I'm in need of some advice.

My partners and I recently celebrated the birth of our first child, Little W. And I mean very recent- she was born last Wednesday! Our wife, Bad Wolf, and I had become pregnant at the same time, so we were only three days apart. Little W was born about two weeks early, while I am due this Friday.

Introducing one baby into our routine at home and getting used to her has been relatively easy. She's a wonderfully easy baby, and Bad Wolf has been recovering well. However, there are other unexpected issues I find myself running into. I feel somehow left out of the excitement.

At Little W's birth, both the Doctor (father; Doctor Who reference, he isn't actually a doctor) and I were in the delivery room. I had to work that day and Little W was born just after 11, and since I am still very pregnant I was exhausted by the time things had finished. Once Bad Wolf had done skin to skin with Little W, and it was time for measurements and tests and all that goodness, it was nearing two in the morning. I knew there was limited space in the postpartum room, so my only option was to drive home and come back in the morning. I left that night without holding my daughter, too unsure of myself and concerned about interrupting bonding for either Bad Wolf or the Doctor.

I talked to my partners about this afterwards, and admitted that I felt left out of things and knew it wasn't actually true. I'm a mess of many hormones and I know it. Yet when they brought Little W home, I was still feeling that way. Between Bad Wolf and the Doctor, there's very little for me to do for Little W, so I spend my time keeping the house clean and making meals to help out. I keep them informed that I still feel this way, and things have slowly gotten better- yesterday I started helping to change her diapers and holding her more.

After speaking to a family friend about my feelings, he suggested that I need bonding time with Little W just as they do. However, I've taken early childhood classes (I'm studying to become a teacher) and I'm highly sensitive to their bonding time, their need to adjust to being new parents, and not wanting to insert myself too little or too much so early on.

Am I being too sensitive, possibly overthinking this? Are there any other parents out there who may have had similar issues?

Thanks in advance!
Click to expand...

What I'm about to say may not be the case. It is, however, a possibility.

Throughout my time as a genderqueer, poly person with friends that are in one or all of these camps too, I've been around several "alternative" arrangements for parenting. Same sex couples, poly pods, single parents, friends who Co parent. All of that. What I've seen a good few times is that a triad, for instance, will plan to have a baby and all three people will be parents to the child. Equal co parents. When the baby arrives, feelings change. The biological parent(s), or maybe two of the three regardless of biology, feel like this is their baby and they want to parent it and have other people as supporting adult role models. Still important but not parent important. Sometimes it's the other person who feels more like an aunt or uncle than a parent and they sort of step back a bit.

What I'm trying to say, is that perhaps feelings have changed and Bad Wolf wants this baby to be their baby, and you play a supporting role. Your baby will be yours and your partners. Maybe she wants that space and distinction and doesn't know quite how to vocalise it.
 
Mighty Max brings up a good point. One key reason that almost all of the communes in the hippie era fell apart is because communal parenting is an ideal that rarely survives real life. I lived in several communal parenting situations and it was only after I became a parent myself that I understood the "thing" between parents and children. Yes, they go against the conventional poly family ideal, but I think MM offers wise words above. It will save everyone a lot of grief and drama to not try and parent these kids as a group. Sure, communal family living can be beautiful, but communal parenting is a nightmare - in my experience. The only way communal family life survives kids is when there are no more than two designated parents and the others take up auntie and uncle roles, which are very important in the life of child, but different than the roles of parents.

Maybe some of your unease, ImpossibleGirl, is that you feel that these roles are important to differentiate, but you don't have a poly way to articulate that. Could it be possible that you want to be your baby's designated mother and you want Bad Wolf to be Bay M's designated mother? You've got a lot of evolution and biology sweeping you along in these feelings, so perhaps it would be best for everyone if you all allow the roles of parents and other beloved adults instead of expecting every adult to be a co-parent. You can have a close, loving poly family that includes many colors of relationships while loosening the reigns on your group expectation that every adult will be a parent to every child. Just a thought.
 
Last edited:
Hi ImpossibleGirl,

I think you're overthinking it ... You're in a poly family, so, there are three people acting as parents. There is nothing wrong with you having some bonding time with Little W. I admit I'm no expert but, that's how it seems to me.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top