Poly partner saying unpoly things

[Noyse]

Connie has always practiced RA, I'm more Primary partner mined. We've hashed out stuff like:
* Connie doesn't like commitment because she dreads breaking promises.
* The only way we'd life together is if we had separate rooms.
* We are not to talk about marriage (it wasn't about to each other--but my bad) again until we've been together at least a year.

Since we got together Connie has started treating her depression, and she's prone to saying unprompted compliments now. The problem is some of them are not poly friendly IE "You're my favorite" and mentioning us sharing a bedroom in the future.

I'm over here happy as a duck in NRE, but I recently had to swallow the urge to propose.

We've carved out time to talk about our relationship, but I'm not sure what to say. Most of Connie wants are expressed through reactions to me; IE learning she wanted me to keep a toothbrush at her place; after I apologize for forgetting it one time.

Is there even a problem? Should I pump the breaks because NER? I feel like this should be hashed out before we roadtrip for xmas.

 

[vinsanity0]

Sounds more like it's not RA friendly than not poly friendly. But you want a primary relationship so I would wait to see how it plays out. Just resist the urge to propose. Enjoy the trip.

 

[GalaGirl]

I could be wrong, but I think you might be overthinking it.

Since we got together Connie has started treating her depression, and she's prone to saying unprompted compliments now

Ok. She's seeing more positives than she used to.

The problem is some of them are not poly friendly IE "You're my favorite" and mentioning us sharing a bedroom in the future.

None of this sounds like making firm plans. To me it sounds like expressing emotions or thoughts of the moment.

Could take it as "generally more joyful" and leave it there while she continues to adjust to her new management plan.

I'm over here happy as a duck in NRE, but I recently had to swallow the urge to propose.

Have you been together long enough to consider proposing? And WHAT are you proposing? A long engagement time to think and talk about deep compatibility? Or like "Let's set a wedding date" here?

Cuz a lot of couples I see skip the actual work of Engagement and rush right into wedding planning.

If you are happy? Why upset yourself?

We've carved out time to talk about our relationship, but I'm not sure what to say. Is there even a problem?

What is the problem to you? You have not articulated it very well to me.

Should I pump the breaks because NRE?

Yes. Enjoy the NRE. Let the new meds time settle in. Don't propose like jumping the gun.

I feel like this should be hashed out before we roadtrip for xmas.

Do you mean that you want to know where the relationship stands at this point in time because you are not used to her on her new meds being more positive and stuff? So you cannot tell what is "real talk" and what is "just getting used to the meds talk"?

If so, it doesn't have to be a big ol' talk. Just a check in might do.

"Hey... I've noticed you have been on these new meds and say things like X more now. That's great. But I wanted to check in because I wondered if this is still where things are at with you or if those are changing too.

* You don't like making commitments hastily because you dread breaking promises.
* You would only consider living together if we had separate bedrooms
* We don't talk about marriage until we've been together at least a year.

Could you be willing to clarify this is still where it is at? I want to be sure we're still on the same page."

And see what she says.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Noyse,

It sounds like Connie is starting to warm up to the idea of marriage. Like she wants you to be her primary, her #1, she wants you to be her spouse. However, you are aware that this isn't just Connie, this is Connie on meds. So my thought is, you don't need to hash everything out *right now,* but you do need to slow down and take baby steps. Connie may be going through a stage of changes, and you can't know exactly where she'll end up. I'm sure she means the compliments, she is not just saying them, so enjoy that part, just don't be too quick to propose.

My 2¢,
Kevin T.