missmindful
New member
For those who don't know me, I just began a relationship with the Professor, who is married to Nadia. We have been seeing each other a month and 1/2, I just met his wife, and we seem to have the start of something special. I feel that especially in this relationship, what happens early on will set a precedent for how the relationship dynamic will go. Being so new to poly, I have done my research on being the "second", and there is not a ton out there. I read the seconds bill of rights, and I am pretty sure that this is something I want to address early on. I am hoping to hear some perspective from those who have been there in some capacity, if not as a second themselves.
So here is what happened: Nadia told the Professor that she would be away for the weekend for a camping trip. I made plans for childcare to spend Saturday night with the Professor at their house and we would run Sunday morning. On Tuesday, the night we all met, Nadia and the Prof told me that her trip was cancelled. He said that regardless, we could still go out to dinner. I understand him not being able to host. I am closing on a condo nest week, so I am not able to host until then, but he did suggest we could still go out to dinner. So, on thursday, i asked him again if we were still on for Saturday dinner. He said he had to talk to Nadia but he thought she might have a family thing. . I asked again yesterday, and did not get a reply. I had a feeling it was not happening, and asked again this morning and got a reply at about 11 that he had to do something with her family. I feel that this is just rude. For someone who prides himself on communication and respect, I don't feel as if I got that from him.
I told him I did not like it. We are in the midst of talking about it now. He said that he does not see it as being a precedent for our relationship because he doesn't see this happening again. He blamed Nadia's plans changing for throwing things off. I personally don't see why he did not tell her he had plans with me. I also do not really understand why just because her plans changed, ours have to? And lastly, I was given no choice. I was just told at the very last minute that our plans were off. Is this going to happen every time her plans change or she has a bad day, etc? It happened once before at the very beginning, and I shrugged it off as we has only been on a happy hour date. I dont think it will work if her needs always trump mine just because she is the wife. I have to arrange childcare. I now have childcare, and it is most likely too late to find anything else to do on a Saturday night. I feel that he showed me no respect for my time and no regard for my feelings. I am waiting to see what he says, but I am feeling a little deflated at the moment.
As usual, thank you for reading. Any questions, concerns, personal stories and advice are truly welcomed.
Miiss M
So here is what happened: Nadia told the Professor that she would be away for the weekend for a camping trip. I made plans for childcare to spend Saturday night with the Professor at their house and we would run Sunday morning. On Tuesday, the night we all met, Nadia and the Prof told me that her trip was cancelled. He said that regardless, we could still go out to dinner. I understand him not being able to host. I am closing on a condo nest week, so I am not able to host until then, but he did suggest we could still go out to dinner. So, on thursday, i asked him again if we were still on for Saturday dinner. He said he had to talk to Nadia but he thought she might have a family thing. . I asked again yesterday, and did not get a reply. I had a feeling it was not happening, and asked again this morning and got a reply at about 11 that he had to do something with her family. I feel that this is just rude. For someone who prides himself on communication and respect, I don't feel as if I got that from him.
I told him I did not like it. We are in the midst of talking about it now. He said that he does not see it as being a precedent for our relationship because he doesn't see this happening again. He blamed Nadia's plans changing for throwing things off. I personally don't see why he did not tell her he had plans with me. I also do not really understand why just because her plans changed, ours have to? And lastly, I was given no choice. I was just told at the very last minute that our plans were off. Is this going to happen every time her plans change or she has a bad day, etc? It happened once before at the very beginning, and I shrugged it off as we has only been on a happy hour date. I dont think it will work if her needs always trump mine just because she is the wife. I have to arrange childcare. I now have childcare, and it is most likely too late to find anything else to do on a Saturday night. I feel that he showed me no respect for my time and no regard for my feelings. I am waiting to see what he says, but I am feeling a little deflated at the moment.
As usual, thank you for reading. Any questions, concerns, personal stories and advice are truly welcomed.
Miiss M
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Seriously, though, it's way too early to be exclusive with him - and he's married and poly, anyway! You're still getting to know each other. Date others, have a good time, and don't put all your eggs in one basket too soon, if you want to eventually be exclusive - at least not until your relationship is firmly established and you've built a foundation of trust.
