Poly since the start of the year, looking for situation advice.

[PapaRhino]

I'm a 20-year old male. I have a 41-year old fiance. We've been together for about a year now. I proposed to her around Christmas time. We both love each other very, very much and wish to spend years and years and years together.

I moved in with her from Michigan to New York last October, a short while after she broke up with her 15-year long relationship partner, a now 61-year old man. A few weeks after I had proposed, she told me she needed him in the picture. So I agreed to this. She now sees him at his home 3~ times a week, and stays overnight with him once a week. I live in her home that we maintain together, I work for her business and clean around the house to do my part.

This worked out fine and I was content with it for quite some time, for the past 4 1/2 months, until I was approached by a new prospective relationship partner over the past few weeks, having known her about a month and a half now.

This new partner of mine is 19, and shares many more hobbies than my fiancee and I do, but they are both amazing people and hold equal footing in my heart, I believe. I love my fiancee's business and her elegant, distinguished and classical outlook on the world,. She has an amazing operatic voice, and seeing her perform is a thing of dreams.

The new girl shares my interests in video games, trading card games, skateboarding, longboarding, punk rock and metal concerts, and the more down and dirty things in life, and also expresses a much kinkier interest when it comes to sex.

I've talked about the new partner with my fiancee and they both agree that they're fine with the situation. My problem is, this new partner is going to be potentially leaving out of state for college in three years. I haven't begun my college education at this point in my life and it isn't something I would miss for anyone, even my fiancee, so I have plans to enroll next Spring, after I learn to drive, receive my license and buy my first car, of course.

My dilemma is, my fiancee wants to push our marriage date forward, to next year. I proposed to her in a monogamous situation, and it was for commitment purposes. Things got shook up because of the old man coming back into the picture, of course, and are even more shaken up by the entrance of my new partner.

What are my options? Do I leave my fiancee's home next Spring, live off-campus, go to school with my new partner and continue to grow myself, instead of enjoying someone else's accomplishments? I need to be in a safe position if either relationship were to fail. I don't want to be homeless, of course.

I hope this is an acceptable first post here at Polyamory.com. Thank you and I look forward to discussing my relationship with you.

 

[GalaGirl]

My dilemma is, my fiancee wants to push our marriage date forward, to next year. I proposed to her in a monogamous situation, and it was for commitment purposes.

You could say, "No, thank you. I don't want to set that date for a wedding. I proposed to you under monogamous conditions, and conditions have changed. Let's wait and see how we handle one big change at a time, rather than piling another one on top and making stress for ourselves."

I'm a fan of a long engagement. When you propose, you propose to you dating partner that you enter the time of engagement. The purpose of that time is to reflect and prepare for marriage. Why shortchange yourselves on that? You could take pre-marital classes at your house of worship, county extension office, or online to help you prepare and make sure you are talking about all the things to need to be talking about.

If it turns out in the engagement time that you come to find you are not not compatible, you can choose to NOT GET MARRIED. Better a successful engagement that concludes, "Not compatible after all," than a botched, rushed engagement, leading toward a wonky, unstable, doomed marriage.

To me, it sounds like you have other future plans you want to complete before marriage, like college.

What are my options? Do I leave my fiancee's home next Spring, live off-campus, go to school with my new partner, continue to grow myself, instead of enjoying someone else's accomplishments? I need to be in a safe position if either relationship were to fail. I don't want to be homeless, of course.

Who is paying for college? Just you? You working + grants/scholarships? That kind of dictates when/where you can go and how to support yourself as a student.

I'm glad you are thinking about that kind of thing.

And you are right, you want to be financially independent, so if it turns up with you single, you can support yourself and still be ok.

I would suggest that at 20, you keep your options flexible. Enjoying being engaged, but don't go deeper than that til you accomplish college and whatever else you want to explore as an unmarried person.

Life is long. You don't have to be rushing through it and cramming all your adult experiences into the first decade of your adult life. You could choose to spread them out so you can savor them.

Galagirl

 

[PapaRhino]

Who is paying for college? Just you? You working + grants/scholarships? That kind of dictates when/where you can go and how to support yourself as a student.

I'm glad you are thinking about that kind of thing.

And you are right -- you want to be financially independent so if it turns up with you single, you can support yourself and STILL be ok.

I would suggest that at 20? You keep your options flexible. Enjoying being engaged but don't go deeper than that til you accomplish college and whatever else you want to explore as an unmarried person.

Life is long -- you don't have to be rushing through it and cram all your adult experiences packed into the first decade of your adult life. You could choose to spread them out so you can savor them.

Galagirl

Yes, you are correct, college is much more prominent in my mind than marriage is right now.

I would be paying for my schooling myself from loans + grants/scholarships. I plan on doing freelance computer repair and enthusiast computer building while I'm in school to help pay for other things outside of my study, room and board.

This is what I was trying to tell my fiancee, but from her point of view, if things are going well with her and me, then why do I need to rush into school, and why do I need to experience the 20-year old college life if I'm really in love with her and cherish our lifestyle that we have together?

My answer to this is that these years are a once in a lifetime opportunity, and that I'm only going to be in my 20s once in my life.

Thank you.

 

[FullofLove1052]

Your fiancee is 20 or so years older. She has lived a chunk of her life, probably accomplished some of her dreams, and is independent. She should be encouraging you to do that. Maybe she likes the idea of you being dependent on her. If you are not ready for marriage, you are just not ready. Be firm when you tell her no, you do not want to push up the date. Kudos to you for having goals and wanting to further your education.

I got married at 21, but I stilled lived the university life as much as my time and course load would allow. I never did anything that disrespected my husband or then-girlfriend, and I did cherish the life we had. No, I was not out until 4 in the morning and taking body shots from in between somebody's breasts, but my entire university experience was great. They were both slightly older than me, so they were in different chapters of their lives, but they understood that I wanted to experience those things, so they encouraged it.

I do think your fiancee is being a bit unfair. I guarantee if you ask her some of the things she did in her 20s, they will mirror some of the things you want to do and should be able to do as long as you are not disrespecting her, yourself, or doing something you would not want her to see/know about.. There is no rule that says you have to jam pack marriage, owning a home, having children, etc. or whatever in the first five years of adulthood.

I think your and your fiancee would do well to have a long engagement and adapt to the changes and additions in your lives before getting married.

I say go to school, live off-campus, if it is more cost effective, and grow into the person you want to ultimately be. Make some new friends, experience the life, join a fraternity, or whatever it is that you desire. Her support would be nice, but it is not mandatory. You can revel in her success and be just as happy for her whether you are sitting right next to her or away from her. Genuine happiness for someone's accomplishments does not mean you have to be right there or that you value what they have accomplished any less.

Ry

 

[BoringGuy]

Yes, you are correct, college is much more prominent in my mind than marriage is right now.

I would be paying for my schooling myself from loans + grants/scholarships. I plan on doing freelance computer repair and enthusiast computer building while I'm in school to help pay for other things outside of my study, room and board.

This is what I was trying to tell my fiance, but from her point of view, if things are going well with her and I, then why do I need to rush into school and why do I need to experience the 20 year old college life if I'm really in love with her and cherish our lifestyle that we have together?

My answer to this is that these years are a once in a lifetime opportunity, and that I'm only going to be in my 20's once in my life.

Thank you.

Holy shit, bubba, are you SURE you're only 20? You sound like the wisest 20-year old I've ever heard. I would get myself checked to make sure i'm not the next Dalai-Lama or something, if i were you.

Now, i'm not saying there is ANYTHING wrong with a 20-year old person and a 40-year old person getting married; but there IS something wrong with a 40-year-old person who expects a 20-year-old to NOT GET AN EDUCATION just so they can be a dependent spouse. That is not what a loving relationship is about. A loving relationship is one where both partners want what is best for each other in the long run, even if it means being physically separated for some time in order to accomplish certain things to that effect.

Your fiancee is asking you to forfeit your own personal enrichment in order to satisfy her short-term "needs." I put "needs" in quotes because i think most of what people refer to as "needs" in a relationship are not needs at all, but areas that need work on oneself. People say things like, "i need sex a certain number of times per week," but no, you do NOT "need" sex ANY number of times per ANYthing. No one starves or suffocates or evaporates because they aren't getting laid enough. What do people do when they are single? Injured? Sick? Have to leave town for a funeral or a business trip?

Sorry to digress a bit there. You just keep right on thinking for yourself and trusting your own conscience. That is maybe the most important thing people can do, that most people don't realize they can do. I would say that the majority of folks who come here for advice already know what they should do, but are afraid to listen to themselves. They let themselves be talked into playing some game of "poly-tetris," when it isn't about a "poly relationship" at all, it's about being true to thine own self.

 

[GalaGirl]

This is what I was trying to tell my fiance, but from her point of view, if things are going well with her and I, then why do I need to rush into school and why do I need to experience the 20 year old college life if I'm really in love with her and cherish our lifestyle that we have together?

My answer to this is that these years are a once in a lifetime opportunity, and that I'm only going to be in my 20's once in my life.

Pretty much.

This is YOUR life experience, and you get to be the captain of your own ship. You WANT to experience the 20 year old college life, it is not unreasonable to want for your age and stage of life.

She can share in some of your life with you, but honestly? If things are going well with your relationship, you taking off for school is no different than if one of you were military and deployed. Or in some other line of work where travel elsewhere is required. People can and do adjust to the schedules of the significant other.

Why does she want to hold you back from education? Because it might make you able to support yourself even better and not need her financial support? Worried you will find someone else? What's her rationale here?

Galagirl

 

[PapaRhino]

Your fiancee is 20 or so years older. She has lived a chunk of her life, probably accomplished some of her dreams, and is independent. She should be encouraging you to do that. Maybe she likes the idea of you being dependent on her. If you are not ready for marriage, you are just not ready. Be firm when you tell her no, you do not want to push up the date. Kudos to you for having goals and wanting to further your education.

I got married at 21, but I stilled lived the university life as much as my time and course load would allow. I never did anything that disrespected my husband or then-girlfriend, and I did cherish the life we had. No, I was not out until 4 in the morning and taking body shots from in between somebody's breasts, but my entire university experience was great. They were both slightly older than me, so they were in different chapters of their lives, but they understood that I wanted to experience those things, so they encouraged it.

I do think your fiancee is being a bit unfair. I guarantee if you ask her some of the things she did in her 20s, they will mirror some of the things you want to do and should be able to do as long as you are not disrespecting her, yourself, or doing something you would not want her to see/know about.. There is no rule that says you have to jam pack marriage, owning a home, having children, etc. or whatever in the first five years of adulthood.

I think your and your fiancee would do well to have a long engagement and adapt to the changes and additions in your lives before getting married.

I say go to school, live off-campus, if it is more cost effective, and grow into the person you want to ultimately be. Make some new friends, experience the life, join a fraternity, or whatever it is that you desire. Her support would be nice, but it is not mandatory. You can revel in her success and be just as happy for her whether you are sitting right next to her or away from her. Genuine happiness for someone's accomplishments does not mean you have to be right there or that you value what they have accomplished any less.

She got stranded in Florida with her friends and begged for money for a train to get back to New York when she was 19. She's done some fun stuff.

Her concern is that if I go to school off-campus, I'll be spending far more time with my new partner, which is a valid concern. I've told her that nothing in another relationship is going to falter my feelings for her, and I do mean it. My new partner however, wants to leave the state for college in three years, that's the issue. After we get our Associates degrees, where do we go? Do I stay with my fiancee? Do I take off for a 4-year school? Should I just break things off with my fiancee at the end of this year and be monogamous with my new partner, so that my growth isn't restricted, and potentially revisit this relationship at a later date in time?

Holy shit bubba, are you SURE you're only 20? You sound like the most wise 20year-old i ever heard. I would get myself checked to make sure i'm not the next Dalai-Lama or something, if i were you.

Now, i'm not saying there is ANYTHING wrong with a 20-year-old person and a 40-year-old person getting married; but there IS something wrong with a 40-year-old person who expects a 20-year-old to NOT GET AN EDUCATION just so they can be a dependent spouse. That is not what a loving relationship is about. A loving relationship is one where both partners want what is best for each other in the long run, even if it means being physically separated for some time in order to accomplish certain things to that effect. Your fiancee is asking you to forfeit your own personal enrichment in order to satisfy her short-term "needs".

She wants me to get an education, but she doesn't want me to go anywhere. She still wants to be able to see me roughly 3-4 times a week, even if I move in with the new girl. And I'm scared that I'll have to lose one or the other and make a decision.

This is YOUR life experience, and you get to be the captain of your own ship. You WANT to experience the 20 year old college life, it is not unreasonable to want for your age and stage of life.

She can share in some of your life with you, but honestly, if things are going well with your relationship, you taking off for school is no different than if one of you were military and deployed, or in some other line of work where travel elsewhere is required. People can and do adjust to the schedules of the significant other.

Why does she want to hold you back from education? Because it might make you able to support yourself even better and not need her financial support? Worried you will find someone else? What's her rationale here?

She made this comparison a few nights ago when the subject got brought up. She told me she refuses to be a military wife and that she won't put up with it, and that if I plan on doing so, I should leave right now, and go get some low rent apartment and find a job quickly. Not cool. You can see why I'm pushing so hard to get out from under her dependency so quickly.

 

[BoringGuy]

Sounds like this is a woman who knows she wants what she wants and she better get it, or else.

This is where she might end up with "or else."

You know, you can love someone with all your mind, body, and soul, be "in love," and have them feel the same way about you, and STILL NOT MAKE GOOD PARTNERS now, or ever.

I think she wants to keep you dependent on her so she can control you. I can't imagine saying to either of my partners, "Postpone your dreams and goals so i can have you by my side." I have sometimes not had contact with my Other Partner (the one i'm not married to) for YEARS, and not only do we always pick up right where we left off, but the sex gets better EVERY time, so much so that i'm a little afraid of going back for more because i don't know if i can handle that much awesomeness. I wish the same thing on yourself.

 

[PapaRhino]

Sounds like this is a woman who knows she wants what she wants and she better get it or else.

This is where she might end up with "or else".

You know, you can love someone with all your mind body and soul, be "in love", and have them feel the same way about you, and STILL NOT MAKE GOOD PARTNERS now, or ever.

I think she wants to keep uou dependent on her so she can control you. I can't imagine saying to either of my partners, "postpone your dreams and goals so i can have you by my side". I have sometimes not had contact with my Other Partner (the one i'm not married to) for YEARS, and not only do we always pick up right where we left off, but the sex gets better EVERY time, so much so that i'm a little afraid of going back for more because i don't know if i can handle that much awesomeness. I wish the same thing on yourself.

She doesn't want to keep me dependent, she wants to keep me at home though.

I think what I'm going to do is wait the rest of this year out while working for my fiance, learn to drive, get a car, tell my fiance that I'm going to be leaving for school and that she's welcome to be as much of a part of my life as I can give her at any time. Sign up for classes with the new girl, move to her town and start my education and grow with her. She seems to be more flexible and a better match in terms of interests and the path we want to take. I want to develop Android apps, she wants to go into media design. Match made in heaven, right?

 

[GalaGirl]

It sounds like you have come to a conclusion. You seem to show sensible judgement and will choose well even if the choices are difficult.

Don't be afraid of choosing. We choose all day long. What to eat for breakfast? What clothes to wear today? Where to park the car? It's just that some choices are small and others are big. Some consequences are felt as small things and others as big things. But ALL choices come with consequences. Even choosing not to choose -- that is a choice. Time will march on and here comes the consequences of passive selection.

You could keep working to get out from being so dependent on your fiancee. Maybe apply for work elsewhere with improved pay, or even the same pay, but better emotionally/psychologically, so she is not also your boss.

But definitely don't get legally wed if your thoughts are running in that direction right now.

Again, better a SUCCESSFUL engagement that helps you both to realize you are not compatible for marriage, than a failed marriage stemming from a poorly executed engagement that was too rushed.

 

[BoringGuy]

It sounds like you're more "buddies" with the younger one than the older one..to me. I mean that in the sense that being buddies is a solid foundation for a life-long relationship, just like i have with my Other Partner. I knew right from the beginning that we would be great friends, that was before either of us realized the other was interested in more. It really is a great thing when it happens that way.

 

[PapaRhino]

Sounds like you have come to a conclusion. You seem to show sensible judgement and will choose well even if the choices are difficult.

Don't be afraid of choosing... ALL choices come with consequences...

You could keep working to get out from being so dependent on your fiancee. Maybe apply for work elsewhere with improved pay. Or even same pay but better emotionally/psychologically so she is not also your boss.

I love working for my fiancee. I help disabled people find jobs and I do their job applications for them, I really, really enjoy my work. Her business sense is amazingly good. She's probably the best boss I could ask for, coming from a pizza shop at 100 degrees in Michigan. Because of that, I don't mind working for her until the end of the year, or even maybe while I'm in school if we can work something out to do that well enough.

My decision will be made over the next seven months. I have to feel out this new person in my life to even see if I want to move out for school or stay with my fiancee.

But right now, I'm really, really looking forward to longboarding next summer with this new girl, lying in the sun together afterwards, and madly passionate and kinky lovemaking.

It sounds like you're more "buddies" with the younger one than the older one..to me. I mean that in the sense that being buddies is a solid foundation for a life-long relationship, just like i have with my Other Partner. I knew right from the beginning that we would be great friends, that was before either of us realized the other was interested in more. It really is a great thing when it happens that way.

This is very, very true. After this new girl has come in, my fiancee now wants to learn to skateboard and go to punk rock shows with me, but I believe it's just an act and she's not really interested, though she states she is. It's just too weird timing to me.

New girl says she wants to be with me until the day we die. That's a strong commitment to make after a month of knowing somebody. And I don't know if I can believe that so soon, hence me waiting the seven months so I can position myself to better make this choice.

And who doesn't want to wake up in a space you can call your own, with a smooth, white-skinned nubile body in lace underwear handing you a bong in the morning before class? *birds chirp* I know I want that.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am glad you enjoy your line of work -- but again... could do same work elsewhere or change work so your fiancee is NOT your boss at some point. I am glad you see that.

She might be cool to work for NOW, but you never know later in polyshipping if she'll go nuts on you. Then you are left on shaky financial ground. What if she fires you, and then you have to see her at dinner time? You already state not wishing to end up homeless should things fold.

Or the simple matter of 2 members of a family working for one company. Should it fold, how many people are screwed? Both. Versus each of you working at different places, so should one lose work, there is still the other person hopefully doing ok.

This is very, very true. After this new girl has come in my fiancee now wants to learn to skateboard and go to punk rock shows with me, but I believe it's just an act and she's not really interested, though she states she is. It's just too weird of timing to me.

Yup. Take it with a grain of salt. But enjoy it anyway.

New girl says she wants to be with me until the day we die. That's a strong commitment to make after a month of knowing somebody. And I don't know if I can believe that so soon, hence me waiting the seven months so I can position myself to better make this choice.

Yup. Take it with a grain of salt. But enjoy it anyway.

Again, kudos for seeming to have good judgement/evaluation skills. Keepin' it realistic over there is a good thing.

 

[PapaRhino]

I wish I could continue to do the same line of work if it weren't for her, but that wouldn't be possible. She works for the state and has her own massive client base. It's the only reason I'm not working fast food or some other low-income job. I work about 21 hours a week at $10/hour. That's hard to find these days.

I didn't sign up for this situation when I came here, and I sure as hell didn't predict that I would be in a relationship involving a 41-year old, a 65-year old and a 19-year old. Ha. Funny how life works.

 

[kkxvlv]

Why is this guy getting the "She's trying to control you" speech instead of the NRE speech?

You say you were fine with the relationship with your fiancee until this new person came along. What changed the original relationship that you are no longer happy with it other than someone came along who you have more in common with? Now you're concerned about your individual growth? Was that not a concern when you proposed to your fiancee?

Is it just me or does your writing sound a bit like this has little to do with education and more to do with the women?

You are talking about lifelong commitments to both of them when you sound unsure about what YOU want out of your life right now other than skateboarding and hot sex. I'm not judging that by the way, I'm just saying you don't sound ready to be talking about doing anything until the day you die. Maybe stop trying to decide what you're going to do for the rest of your life and quit talking about those kinds of commitments.

You describe the new partner who you've known a little over a month as having the same place in your heart as someone you proposed to spend the rest of your life with monogamously. Where would you be right now if your fiancee's other partner hadn't come back in to the picture?

It doesn't seem very strange (or controlling) to me that your fiancee is not thrilled with your idea of going to school, because you talk about it as if you aren't going for the education, you're going to follow this other girl who you just met. She's not making up this paranoid delusion that despite your engagement you're leaving her for some young woman you can share a video game console and a bong with. It sounds like that is exactly what you are considering.

The school plans you've described are the new person's pre-existing plans. Your fiancee's business is her plan. Why aren't you looking for a YOU plan? You are certainly going to be in a relationship with yourself for the rest of your life.

 

[PapaRhino]

Why is this guy getting the "She's trying to control you" speech instead of the NRE speech?

You say you were fine with the relationship with your fiance until this new partner came along. What changed the original relationship that you are no longer happy with it other than someone came along who you have more in common with? Now you're concerned about your individual growth? Was that not a concern when you proposed to your fiance?

Is it just me or does your writing sound a bit like this has little to do with education and more to do with the women?

You are talking about life long commitments to both of them when you sound unsure about what YOU want out of your life right now other than skateboarding and hot sex. I'm not judging that by the way, I'm just saying you don't sound ready to be talking about doing anything until the day you die. Maybe stop trying to decide what you're going to do for the rest of your life and quit talking about those kinds of commitments.

You describe the new partner who you've known a little over a month as having the same place in your heart as someone you proposed to spend the rest of your life with monogamously. Where would you be right now if your fiances other partner hadn't come back in to the picture?

It doesn't seem very strange (or controlling) to me that your fiance is not thrilled with your idea of going to school because you talk about it as if you aren't going for the education, you're going to follow this other girl who you just met. She's not making up this paranoid delusion that despite your engagement you're leaving her for some young woman you can share a video game console and a bong with. It sounds like that is exactly what you are considering.

The school plans you've described are the new partners pre-existing plans. Your fiancees business is her plan. Why aren't you looking for a YOU plan? You are certainly going to be in a relationship with yourself for the rest of your life.

I don't think I've explained myself clearly enough. Here, let me try this.

I was fine with the relationship until this new girl came into the picture. Yes, that's true. When that happened, it made me reconsider what I was doing with my life now. Before this new girl I had planned on just staying with my fiancee for the long haul and taking things as they came. School wasn't a thing on my mind, nor was getting a car and learning to drive. I was content with just her and me living together and I'd take a fall if it happened. So no, I wasn't concerned with my individual growth until this new girl came into the picture.

I do know what I want with my life other than skateboarding and hot sex.

If my fiancee's other partner didn't reenter the picture, I would still be completely committed to her and our original goals and mission. When he entered the picture again after I had already proposed, it killed me inside, and tore my heart to shreds, and I was left to mend them in a way that would allow this third person into my life and share the person I wanted to marry. Because of this, I mended my heart back together to think from a poly mindset. I was willing to accept others into my love life and accept that the same could happen with my fiancee.

I am going to school for my education. That's the number one reason for me doing so. I need to have it should this situation fall apart in a bad way. I'm not just following this girl. Her plans align with what I would like to do with my life, and so I see no reasons other than clear cut and direct benefits for going to the same school she does for at least the first year or two

The education I'll be getting won't be anything that I could get better closer to my current home. These school plans are ones I've had since before I met the new girl, but I didn't think they were needed as soon as possible until she came into the picture.

I have a vested interest in technology. I know that's the field I want to enter into, and have for years now. It's just over the past few months that I've become gripped by mobile applications and feel confident in taking that route, opposed to owning a computer repair shop, as there are more negative concerns while going into that line of work that have prevented me from moving forward with it sooner and in the past.

 

[kkxvlv]

I am officially old and have lost my perspective from youth. I got married at 18 to a man a met when I was 16. He is 12 years older than me. I know I sound like an asshole who is judging you for being young and wanting to have fun and talking about marriage. It sort of blows my mind that a post like that just came out of my head. Discard that if it feels like an old person telling you you don't know what love is and let me offer this.

I'm still married, 12 years next Monday. I feel like I got super lucky with the choices I made. I didn't know everything about myself then, but I ended up with someone who loves who I became. That's got to be part luck.

I never wanted to be 20, though. I'm in the same line of work now as I was when I was 20. We bought a house that year. I never wanted those experiences you've described, so I don't feel like I missed anything. I never felt a big maturity or generational or stage of life and interests gap with my husband. When I met someone else I fell in love with I never once fantasized about a life with the other guy without him in it. I never thought about leaving him.

So let me take back saying don't think about forever, but just remember you don't have to think about forever for it to be love now. Enjoy life right now.

 

[kkxvlv]

I don't think I've explained myself clearly enough, here, let me try this.

I was fine with the relationship until this new girl came into the picture, yes, that's true. When that happened, it made me reconsider what I was doing with my life now. Before this new girl I had planned on just staying with my fiance for the long haul and taking things as they came, school wasn't a thing on my mind, nor was getting a car and learning to drive, I was content with just her and I living together and I'd take a fall if it happened. So no, I wasn't concerned with my individual growth until this new girl came into the picture.

If my fiancee's other partner didn't reenter the picture, I would still be completely committed to her and our original goals and mission.

That is exactly what I thought. Your path has completely changed based on other people who just happened to show up in your life. If those chance events hadn't taken place you'd have followed an entirely different course. I was trying to suggest that you be wary of pointing yourself on any lifelong trajectory which is being determined by these chance events and other people, and instead give yourself time to determine an intentional path for yourself you'd like to follow, before you make any commitments for the rest of your life. You don't have to know everything now. Just give yourself the space to figure it out.

 

[PapaRhino]

That is exactly what I thought. Your path has completely changed based on other people who just happened to show up in your life. If those chance events hadn't taken place you'd have followed an entirely different course. I was trying to suggest that you be wary of pointing yourself on any lifelong trajectory which is being determined by these chance events and other people and instead give yourself time to determine an intentional path for yourself you'd like to follow before you make any commitments for the rest of your life. You don't have to know everything now just give yourself the space to figure it out.

While this is true, I don't think it's a bad thing. This new girl has given me a lot of motivation to better myself in a timely manner that I didn't have before.

 

[BoringGuy]

Kk, i gave him the control speech instead of the NRE speech because of fiancee's remark about "not rushing into education at the expense of our relationship" (paraphrased). Any person with twice as much time to have had experiences as another should never try to talk the other out of pursuing an education, particularly when the younger person is sure they want to do it and is not asking for help deciding whether or not to. I feel very strongly about this, and no amount or type of poly dogma is going to convince me otherwise.

I'm not saying i am right about this woman. I have been and could be wrong. But what i believe about relationships and education and all that remains steadfast, nevertheless.