Poly-to be or not to be

I’m realizing that my support system is non existent. D and I both have super busy lives and I’m feeling uncomfortable with our lack of connection. I think all of the things that you mention are factors.

I agree. I’m struggling to name what it is that I need. What I want. I’m not sure that I know. And, I’m feeling afraid about where it could take our relationship if/when I do sort myself out.

We have not shared with our kids about our open status, though we live on the same property with our oldest son and his family in a compound lifestyle, so it’s possible that he and our daughter in law are aware.
 
I'm sorry. You have gone through SO much. :(


I’m realizing that my support system is non existent. D and I both have super busy lives and I’m feeling uncomfortable with our lack of connection. I think all of the things that you mention are factors.
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It sounds like you could think about more work/life balance, making some new friends and creating a larger support systems for yourself, and then regular date nights with D to help you two reconnect as a couple.

Is D dating new people, or just the regular partners?

In your relationship with D, would it help to go over the relationship menu to help you articulate what it is you want or need?

You could do it twice-- i terms of what you want to share together, and in terms of what D shares with others. You might be willing to accept he has other partners and shares lots of things with them, but I can't imagine you'd love for D to just add them to all the joint bank accounts without you knowing or consenting, right?

You could also look at the needs inventory, circle the ones that apply to you, then figure out how to meet those needs and whom to ask for help.

https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory

You might also think about grief counseling. For me it is weird, and comes in waves. I've been in it for years now from eldercare and their various passings. It's not the same as grief for a child, or things in the marriage, but I imagine it comes and goes in waves for you. You might not be all the way healed.

So maybe you want to talk to a poly counselor about grief and adjusting to this new chapter in the relationship, where you tried non-monogamy, and that was okay to experiment with. You've decided it's not for you, but D wants to keep going, and you are willing to adapt to a mono-poly thing.

You seem to be aware you are "shutting down" as way of coping, and are working on it. Maybe a therapist could help with that. Here's the poly professionals directory.

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory
www.polyfriendly.org
 
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Thank you, GalaGirl. I have been thinking a lot about expanding my friend circle. I have several very close friends and feel that I could benefit from having more close friendships, especially now. D has many friendships with different people. I actually just mentioned to D that I thought that we needed to set one day a week aside to spend time with each other, whether for a date, a walk n’ talk, or whatever. He agreed.

D is dating two women. He’s been seeing one for about four years, and the other for less than a year. He doesn’t intend to pursue others.

D and I are working with a couples therapist who is well-voiced in poly relationships. It’s been very helpful. I was also working with a therapist prior to my son's death, which didn’t turn out to be that helpful. My son had been struggling with mental health issues for some time at that point, and he was also self-medicating with pot and alcohol. It was excruciating for all of us. We became somewhat estranged, which was horribly unbearable and has made his death extra-difficult to process. An ambiguous loss. It feels safe to share that here.

I think your idea of going over the relationship menu is good. We have a lot of terms/conditions, but it’s been a long time since we’ve looked at it together and we’ve had issues with interpretation in the past.

What is your relationship status?
 
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