Hello All,
I'm looking for some advice for a newly formed "triad" (or not) between N- F(29), J- M(34), and Myself- F(34). None of us have been in a poly relationship before.
I have known J for about six years. We are business partners. We were best friends for a few years, with amazing chemistry that was completely platonic. At some point, this changed. Over the past few years, in between him dating others, we have slept together off-and-on, with the obvious understanding that there were real feelings involved on both sides.
I feel like he would start stuff and then never want to commit. I always ended up hurt, but did a great job of remaining stoic in our business settings. There were, however, two major compatibility issues that played a major part in there never being a full commitment. One is that I live in New Mexico and he lives in Montana. He can't move down here because he has two kids whose mom lives in Montana. I was never interested in moving to Montana because my family lives in New Mexico. The other is that he is very big on the traditional roles of leading a relationship, making the final decisions, and having a stay at-home-wife while he provides. I am very Type A and run multiple businesses. I have my own house, pay my own bills, etc. I don't "need" a provider, and don't necessarily want to be a stay-at-home wife who cooks, cleans, takes care of the kids, etc. I am very career focused.
Being a stay-at-home wife is still a shit ton of work; I just prefer to work outside of the house. I currently have no kids. My views on a relationship, based on my experiences, have always been to have equal roles in the household, since I would be providing, as well. This comes to cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kids, paying bills, etc.
I have explained to him that in the right setting I would not at all mind being submissive to a man in a relationship, once that trust is built. I make hard decisions every day with my career. I would love to play the role of not having to do that outside of my career.
N has two kids of her own. J met her and they started dating about eight months ago. I have met her and she seems sweet. She works parttime currently, but would much rather be a stay-at-home mom. Their dynamic hasn't gotten to that point yet, but she plays that role outside of work and is very much into being submissive, while he makes all the decisions. Obviously, this fits very well into what he is looking for. She has no interest in being involved in the business, etc. She is smart and works hard at keeping peace in the household.
About two months ago, J brought up the idea of me being together with them. He has hinted at things like this before and we have gotten into some debates about poly relationships, etc., mostly because he wants to date two girls, but they wouldn't be allowed to date outside of the relationship (just each other). I've always viewed that as controlling and hypocritical, and have told him that he wants to have his cake and eat it too. That stems mostly from me having a hard time submitting to someone. But again, I have since discovered that I might like that. in the right scenario, built on trust.
I decided to be open about the possibility of it working, with us women providing such different dynamics to each other. I had a long talk with them, where I asked very specific pointed questions, with examples of things like:
How would this dynamic work?
Are we all equal?
Could I travel?
Would they be okay with the fact that I am more of a free spirit?
Are they ready for this?
What about my role with their kids?
Are they okay with having more kids?
Who takes care of which roles in the household?
I went pretty deep because these are important aspects to something that can get complicated. All in all, it seemed to work very well, and provided for everyone's needs. One important one in particular, to me, was having equal roles in the relationship. They would not be the primaries and I the secondary. We are all primary.
N and I hit it off. We talked constantly, flirted, etc. I felt strong feelings for her very fast, which isn't a common thing for me. She ended up flying to spend a few days with me so we could get to know each other better. She had also never been with a girl (although has always liked them) so we felt this was less pressure and necessary before I came up there, with everything so new all at once. We had a blast and it was amazing.
I ended up buying a ticket to go up there for a month later. After about three weeks, our dynamics started to change a bit. There was a lot less talking, flirting, being intimate (as much as you can over message), etc. I have come to notice that I have an anxious-attachment style and this really triggered a lot of insecurities for me, with feelings of being unwanted. This has caused a some conflict. I got into town last week and it wasn't personal to me, but because of how stressful life was. However, during this three-week period, I had expressed multiple times that while life gets busy, a call once a week isn't too much for someone you are trying to be in a relationship with.
I have been here for a week and things have been difficult for me. It's not that I want to throw in the towel. I believe a very new dynamic like this will always have a bit of conflict at first in order to get into the groove of things. There is nothing wrong with that. The conflicts are stemming from me feeling like an outsider. They live together and understandably, for the six months prior, had an entire life separate from mine.
I don't feel like there is an equal effort to try to include me in that. I am self-aware enough to know that this could change over time, since this is a new dynamic that needs to grow and there is also the fact that I am long distance. It is hard watching how he interacts differently with her though, and vice versa, but mostly how he interacts with her. He gives her a good morning kiss, there are touches throughout the day, compliments, they talk quietly a lot in an intimate way, to where I can't hear, etc. It has made me feel quite insecure, which has caused a conflict because I am bringing it up. However, bringing it up doesn't make someone want to act that way towards you more, since that should be a more natural thing.
I would like to fully commit to this, with the willingness to move up here to be with them. However, I am worried that things won't change. I am also worried that when I am not there, that I won't hear much from them. I am understanding of the fact that there are four kids between them and life gets busy, of course.
I don't know the best way to communicate that I want to feel included. I am aware that I might be expecting things to develop into something more equal right away, but I also want to communicate with them that it takes work on their side, as well. For example, one thing I suggested was them sharing a family calendar with me, with their plans on it, so that I can choose when to fly up based on things like showing up for kids' birthdays, etc.
I don't know how to communicate to J that he has always treated me so differently and still is, as far as affection, etc. I don't want our relationship to just be work convos.
I hope I am making sense. I tried my best to give enough information and backstory so that there are enough details to go off of.
I'm looking for some advice for a newly formed "triad" (or not) between N- F(29), J- M(34), and Myself- F(34). None of us have been in a poly relationship before.
I have known J for about six years. We are business partners. We were best friends for a few years, with amazing chemistry that was completely platonic. At some point, this changed. Over the past few years, in between him dating others, we have slept together off-and-on, with the obvious understanding that there were real feelings involved on both sides.
I feel like he would start stuff and then never want to commit. I always ended up hurt, but did a great job of remaining stoic in our business settings. There were, however, two major compatibility issues that played a major part in there never being a full commitment. One is that I live in New Mexico and he lives in Montana. He can't move down here because he has two kids whose mom lives in Montana. I was never interested in moving to Montana because my family lives in New Mexico. The other is that he is very big on the traditional roles of leading a relationship, making the final decisions, and having a stay at-home-wife while he provides. I am very Type A and run multiple businesses. I have my own house, pay my own bills, etc. I don't "need" a provider, and don't necessarily want to be a stay-at-home wife who cooks, cleans, takes care of the kids, etc. I am very career focused.
Being a stay-at-home wife is still a shit ton of work; I just prefer to work outside of the house. I currently have no kids. My views on a relationship, based on my experiences, have always been to have equal roles in the household, since I would be providing, as well. This comes to cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kids, paying bills, etc.
I have explained to him that in the right setting I would not at all mind being submissive to a man in a relationship, once that trust is built. I make hard decisions every day with my career. I would love to play the role of not having to do that outside of my career.
N has two kids of her own. J met her and they started dating about eight months ago. I have met her and she seems sweet. She works parttime currently, but would much rather be a stay-at-home mom. Their dynamic hasn't gotten to that point yet, but she plays that role outside of work and is very much into being submissive, while he makes all the decisions. Obviously, this fits very well into what he is looking for. She has no interest in being involved in the business, etc. She is smart and works hard at keeping peace in the household.
About two months ago, J brought up the idea of me being together with them. He has hinted at things like this before and we have gotten into some debates about poly relationships, etc., mostly because he wants to date two girls, but they wouldn't be allowed to date outside of the relationship (just each other). I've always viewed that as controlling and hypocritical, and have told him that he wants to have his cake and eat it too. That stems mostly from me having a hard time submitting to someone. But again, I have since discovered that I might like that. in the right scenario, built on trust.
I decided to be open about the possibility of it working, with us women providing such different dynamics to each other. I had a long talk with them, where I asked very specific pointed questions, with examples of things like:
How would this dynamic work?
Are we all equal?
Could I travel?
Would they be okay with the fact that I am more of a free spirit?
Are they ready for this?
What about my role with their kids?
Are they okay with having more kids?
Who takes care of which roles in the household?
I went pretty deep because these are important aspects to something that can get complicated. All in all, it seemed to work very well, and provided for everyone's needs. One important one in particular, to me, was having equal roles in the relationship. They would not be the primaries and I the secondary. We are all primary.
N and I hit it off. We talked constantly, flirted, etc. I felt strong feelings for her very fast, which isn't a common thing for me. She ended up flying to spend a few days with me so we could get to know each other better. She had also never been with a girl (although has always liked them) so we felt this was less pressure and necessary before I came up there, with everything so new all at once. We had a blast and it was amazing.
I ended up buying a ticket to go up there for a month later. After about three weeks, our dynamics started to change a bit. There was a lot less talking, flirting, being intimate (as much as you can over message), etc. I have come to notice that I have an anxious-attachment style and this really triggered a lot of insecurities for me, with feelings of being unwanted. This has caused a some conflict. I got into town last week and it wasn't personal to me, but because of how stressful life was. However, during this three-week period, I had expressed multiple times that while life gets busy, a call once a week isn't too much for someone you are trying to be in a relationship with.
I have been here for a week and things have been difficult for me. It's not that I want to throw in the towel. I believe a very new dynamic like this will always have a bit of conflict at first in order to get into the groove of things. There is nothing wrong with that. The conflicts are stemming from me feeling like an outsider. They live together and understandably, for the six months prior, had an entire life separate from mine.
I don't feel like there is an equal effort to try to include me in that. I am self-aware enough to know that this could change over time, since this is a new dynamic that needs to grow and there is also the fact that I am long distance. It is hard watching how he interacts differently with her though, and vice versa, but mostly how he interacts with her. He gives her a good morning kiss, there are touches throughout the day, compliments, they talk quietly a lot in an intimate way, to where I can't hear, etc. It has made me feel quite insecure, which has caused a conflict because I am bringing it up. However, bringing it up doesn't make someone want to act that way towards you more, since that should be a more natural thing.
I would like to fully commit to this, with the willingness to move up here to be with them. However, I am worried that things won't change. I am also worried that when I am not there, that I won't hear much from them. I am understanding of the fact that there are four kids between them and life gets busy, of course.
I don't know the best way to communicate that I want to feel included. I am aware that I might be expecting things to develop into something more equal right away, but I also want to communicate with them that it takes work on their side, as well. For example, one thing I suggested was them sharing a family calendar with me, with their plans on it, so that I can choose when to fly up based on things like showing up for kids' birthdays, etc.
I don't know how to communicate to J that he has always treated me so differently and still is, as far as affection, etc. I don't want our relationship to just be work convos.
I hope I am making sense. I tried my best to give enough information and backstory so that there are enough details to go off of.
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