Polyamory and pregnancy

S

ShadyLane

New member
Hi all,

I'm new to this forum, but a recent turn of events led me here to see if anyone has advice from a similar situation. The internet appears relatively worthless on the topic.

My husband an I have been in an open relationship since we were married. We have good communication and it suits us. I think we are happily married and he would agree. We are approaching 40 and wanted kids, but statistically it was difficult. I had a blocked ovary and he had low motility, we did not want kids enough to undergo fertility treatments. This summer and fall I met a partner I get along well with and we were having unprotected sex... mostly because we were both disease free. It turns out I'm pregnant now. I'm excited, my husband is excited, even my partner is excited, but I'd say we are all confused on how to navigate the situation. My husband and I will raise the child, but I'm just not sure about the rest. I care deeply for the other partner and for his feelings, but he is only a friend and lover (and now a sperm donor) in the sense of my nuclear family. I'd be especially interested to hear from anyone else who has been in this situation. I should also mention that our families don't know that we have an open relationship.
 
In your shoes, I would worry that the biological father will want more rights than you are accounting for. Have you discussed it with him? Is he willing to sign away his rights so that your husband can legally adopt? Otherwise, you're leaving yourself open to custody/child support issues in the future.

My baby is almost a year old now. We're 99.9% sure she's Hubby's (we were NOT using condoms, Boy and I WERE using condoms when she was conceived). If Boy did get me pregnant at some point, though, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he would want to be a parental figure and not just let Hubby raise his kid. Not that he would have an issue with Hubby being a third parental figure, but he wouldn't want to be cut out of the picture.
 
There is a book named "Polyamory and Pregnancy" by Jessica Burde. I have read it and highly recommend it to you.

AlwaysGrowing is pointing out an important factor. How is the legislation where you live? Who will be the legal father? In many legislations there is a "paternity presumption" and thus a legal husband is considered the father. Is this the case where you live in?
 
Hi ShadyLane,

Maybe your partner could be like an uncle figure to your child? that is if it's okay with him.

Just one possibility,
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks for the responses. Yes, I live in a state with the paternity presumption and that is the presumption we are working off of. We had a good conversation today and it sounds like we are all in agreement. One of the biggest questions has to do with genetics and explaining that, the guys said just to say we used a surrogate father who was a friend and leave it at that, if it appears that is necessary down the road.

And yes, part of the agreement is that I'll keep the partner informed about the kid and he can be an outside friend. We're all pretty level-headed, sane people so I hope it works, but it definitely requires trust.
 
Personally, I'd still seek legal advice and get everything in writing ahead of time. Laws can change, dna can win in a court battle. Get the paperwork to protect everyone down the road, because 5-10 years down the road, the courts don't care what you verbally agreed to before the kid was born.
 
SNeacail said:
Personally, I'd still seek legal advice and get everything in writing ahead of time. Laws can change, dna can win in a court battle. Get the paperwork to protect everyone down the road, because 5-10 years down the road, the courts don't care what you verbally agreed to before the kid was born.
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This.

Just because the bio father SAYS he's cool with everything now, his feelings might drastically change if your relationship with him goes south. If he sues you for parental rights, a DNA test will be the first thing done. If you don't have formal paperwork with him revoking parental rights, he could change his mind at any moment.
 
AlwaysGrowing said:
Just because the bio father SAYS he's cool with everything now, his feelings might drastically change if your relationship with him goes south. If he sues you for parental rights, a DNA test will be the first thing done. If you don't have formal paperwork with him revoking parental rights, he could change his mind at any moment.
Click to expand...

Again, depends on the legislation. Where I live there is a paternity presumption AND the bio father has absolutely no rights whatsoever to sue for parental rights. The only way he can get the parental rights is for the mother to apply for it with a written agreement of the husband. My advice: know the local laws well :)

Of course, laws can change and it is hard to predict in what way that might happen.
 
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