Polyamory+colleague cocktails

J

JadeDragon

New member
Hello, I'll keep this short and sweet.

CONTEXT
My partner (24F) and I (34M) are new polys, this having developed via her breaking monogamy at her workplace (cheating in the monogamous exclusivity sense) with her manager in hospitality. Basically, she felt that because she cheated it meant a death knell for everything but we soon realised that we had a strong connection and have decided to try an open or polyamorous relationship. The manager (who apparently was unsavoury) moved away to another restaurant, but now she has slept with the new manager and is working the 5 nights a week. So...

CONCERN
Have any of you experienced cockatoos had problems and solutions with managing workmates mixing with polyamory?

My feelings is that it could go one of three ways:
1. Total attachment compared to her other two partners (in acknowledging this I confess I am subject to twinges of jealousy in this regard, or envy regarding time). I think this is likely because she is as new as I to this and seeing someone everyday who you are having carnal relations with may intensify a bond.
2. It was a one-off or it continues as NSA sex without any deeper connection.
3. Chaos at her workplace.

This is new so before speaking to my partner about this, if I needed to, I wanted to chill and find some perspective, maybe even just sit back and wait to see how things develop. Personally, I apply a rule that has worked fine in my previous monogamous experience "don't shit where you eat", but some of you may find that a restrictive rule in your own lives. It probably depends on the sector you work in and whether you can see problems would arise or not. I'm not seeking a definite answer but just experiences and new perspective, because a good many of the articles I've read have few case studies regarding work colleagues.
 
JadeDragon said:
seeing someone everyday who you are having carnal relations with may intensify
Click to expand...

Yes. It's a definite risk. That can be a disaster. .... but can also be amazing beyond words. Big risk, big reward.
 
My husband (Roger) is dating someone from work, but there's not the boss-employee dynamic that your partner's got going on. He and his girlfriend (Taylor) are not out at work and trust each other to keep their relationship hidden from co-workers. They recognize it's a big risk, but it's worth it to them.

It's sometimes hard for me to not feel both jealous and envious of the fact that they see each other so much. I believe their relationship escalated very quickly due to this amount of time together, but I'm working on my jealousy issues and it's become more comfortable over time. Plus, it's nice to know he's got some support when he's having a hard day at work.
 
>> Big risk, big reward.

Spoken like a true gambler.

Well, this I have learned.

She gambled and no one, not even the house, won anything from it. Spoke with her last night and, despite this bloke sounding alright, work has turned into chaotic hell for her. She messaged me late, out of the blue, wanting a drink and a talk. I kinda knew what it was about.

She can't handle it - working 50 hours, juggling two men (one new, one long term - me) + a charming but demanding manager. So, she decided to can everything, no relationships, between now and whenever. I love her intensely, and it started to irk me when she decided to break the news to me, talking about the lack of spark between us, knowing for a "long time it wasn't going to work". -_-' Well, my idea of love and sex and chemistry and sparks and affection and all... it is different. Not unique, just different.

So, do I hang my love for her out to dry and simply wear my friendship for her? I can do that, it's hard though. When she asked "what now?", I said to her "We strip back all the sex, all the touchy feely stuff, and I'll be your friend when you want it, when you have time." I feel like I'm still in her orbit, or she in mine, but it is a cloudy day for both of us and neither of us can see the other.

I'm newly polyamorous. With one lover remaining. What's that make me? Anyway, thanks for the comments. If anyone else would like to add their few cents, go right ahead. Someone may benefit from it. :)
 
Hi JadeDragon,

So, your partner was having sex with both you and her manager, and then things got messy, so she broke up with both of you, and now neither you nor she is seeing anyone (not even each other) on a romantic basis. Did I get it right? Correct me on any details I may have goofed up.

It doesn't sound like she was giving you any choice about whether she was going to break up with you. Maybe she needs some time to think things over? What about you, could you use the time to think things over?

I think it could be said that there are two kinds of polyamory: internal polyamory and external polyamory. Internal polyamory is when you have the inclination to be polyamorous at heart; external polyamory is when you are actually in a polyamorous situation. So I am thinking you are internally polyamorous regardless of your external situation.

How else can we help?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi. No, she was seeing three men, including me, and I had not met the others. Now it is scorched earth and she's not seeing anyone to work on her own development without the distraction of sex. I was (and still am) seeing another lady.

Yes, I suppose I am internal. I kinda hope there is something beyond polyamory too, beyond all these definitions. That's not relevant to the thread though.

I guess I believe I should support her if she needs it, and asks for it, but otherwise I'll stay clear and not haunt her despite my strong feelings counselling otherwise. Because what good would that do?
 
You can always ask her what she'd like you to do, if you're uncertain.

As for polyamory itself, it is just a word. No one is "just a polyamorist;" all of us are much more than that. Polyamory merely describes (in broad strokes) one small facet of our minds and lives.

I'm sure you can lean on your own good judgment, and you'll come out just fine.
 
Quite right. She's happy with being in control of her relationships and friendships at this point. I've asked her more-or-less that. So... we'll see. Life and love doesn't work by any set of boardgame rules.

Thanks.
 
No prob; keep us posted.
 
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