Polyamory HOUSE - Would you live here?

What would you most like to see in the Polyamory House?

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JillSummers

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A good friend had an idea of setting up a polyamorous home for like minded people where there would be no judgement. What do people think of this idea? Are there any already? What would need to be considered?

I'm a little excited by the idea to say the least!

You can also join the discussion and see my full article at;

http://polyamorousdefinition.com/polyamory-house/

Jill
 
There is no such thing as not having judgment. We all judge and many polyfolk are incredibly judgmental. They are human beings, after all. Sure, they may not judge others for being poly per se, but believe me, there will be people who think someone else is doing poly wrong if they're not doing it their way.

Sure, this has been done before - haven't you ever heard of Oneida, Black Bear Ranch, or Kerista? Of communes, intentional communities, and such? Not that unheard of.

Personally, for me, I like diversity and wouldn't want to live in an all-poly environment all the time. Too much dogma surrounding me. I'm an introvert, so any kind of communal living (I've done it for short periods), and especially in a poly tribe, does not appeal to me at all. I like keeping my relationships separate and private.

But hey, if your friend has the money and logistical ability to set something up, good luck to him or her.
 
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Food for thought

I did actually mean non judgemental from outside 'non poly' folk and of course would only really like to live with people with their own opinions and views. What a boring world it would be to just be a sheep and as you say poly folk are far from sheep. Thanks for your opinion at least it's got the debate going :) have a good day.
 
I would not want to live communally like that in one big house with a bunch of bedrooms.

If I did? I'd prefer everyone in their own space -- like separate apartments in a building or close houses in a neighborhood because that solves my concerns.

  • Quiet hours / noise control
  • Sound proof walls
  • Enough storage room
  • DIY chores + Nobody else suffers. (Solved by having your own apartment. If you are a messy, nobody else has to deal with it. Just you and the lease holder.)
  • Own space when you want to be alone
  • Club house/rec space when you want to be in community

I find it interesting that the things I would want are not listed. Must be my age. :)

Are there any already? What would need to be considered?
Click to expand...

I always laugh that #18 on the Kerista standards was "clean up your own mess" and #24 is Money management.

The list starts out idealistic, then the reality of group living sets in. Hello, clean actually being spelled out on the sheet. ;)

Life skills matter -- and I think basics like cooking, cleaning, managing money issues WILL pop up faster in a house situation than in an apartment building situation.

  • I chipped in for my share of groceries. Who ate up all the food? Why am I paying to have nothing when I get home?
  • I did my turn on the chore chart and took out trash. What do you MEAN you blew your turn off? It stinks in here!
  • I paid my part of the utilities. What do you mean you did not pay yours? So I have to suffer with no electric because you are careless?

Apartment style provides that "close by thing" while still "separate enough thing " to me.

I suggest you do not limit your research poly groupings. Look to previous communes / intentional communities of all flavors. How are dorms arranged? Barracks and military bases? What are the pro/cons to architecture? Look to lease contracts for rentals. How are things worded in each? How is conflict resolution handled?

What failed in that group living and why? What worked and why? The Farm is a long standing one. That list is a different kind of read that the Kerista one.

Compare and contrast.

Another thing to consider is the age / personality of the tenants. A house arrangement might work out great for young extraverts. Introverts might not like it. And people in vastly different stages of life will not dig it even if the same chronological age. Like single-ish 20's vs 20's with kids.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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This would qualify as a level of hell for me...

I like my own homes (yes more than one) shared with my partners individually.
 
Gala Girl - thanks for comments

Hey Gala girl, thanks for dropping by, the poll only allowed for 10 anwers and that's all I could think of at the time so thanks for taking the time to add to the list ;). I understand you wanting your own place and this idea is certainly not for everyone. Enjoy your day :) Jill
 
I/we might really like one or two people living in such an arrangement, if we're lucky - what do we do about the rest? :confused:

It's certainly more manageable with separate, private apartments (of various sizes to accommodate different needs), while having a shared social area if/when you want company or to participate in group activities or parties.
 
Maybe if I was a young single person I could see tolerating living in group housing for a short time but I would take issue with things like division of labor for instance. If people weren't pulling their weight then I would be upset.
 
When I was in school, I shared houses with various roommates - up to 6 in one house at one point. Some, I really liked. Some, we just coexisted okay. Some, I really couldn't stand. With the large house of roommates, I found myself finding other places to be near the end of that lease. I was done with the conflicting schedules (late-night barhopper versus me getting up early for work every morning, and being told I should just come down to party... uh, no.), done with the chore inequity ("Who was drinking the cottage cheese?"), and done with the overall poor communication ("Hey look! We got a pet!").

BTDT, don't ever want to do it again.
Then again, I'm in my 40s, have kids, and like having my own house/yard/stuff.

The closest I could come to a group living arrangement would maybe be a duplex (or tenement, or apartment/condo). Without shared walls.

My partner makes jokes about retiring and getting an RV for us "all" to drive around the country in. I don't pop his balloon, but I don't quite think he's prepared for the level of hell that would end up being. :p

And BTW, this really has nothing to do with being introverted versus extroverted... I'm most definitely an extrovert, but hate dealing with personality conflicts 24/7 (and differing lifestyles in close quarters can certainly lead to conflict, regardless of whether or not anyone is doing anything wrong). It leads me to feel uncomfortable in my own home (see the above-mentioned "finding other places to be"), and losing any feeling of personal investment. At this point in my life, if any conflicts like this were to occur, I'd be more inclined to cut my losses, rather than try to smooth things over. Life is short, and some people just make terrible housemates. I'll leave the decision of whether or not *I'm* a terrible housemate as an exercise for the reader.
:)
 
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I definitely would not be okay with shared food or bathroom. I would want my own fridge in my room. I think in this kind of housing 1 person needs to manage the house, collect rent and bill money and those who don't pay up needs to be removed. Chores would pretty much need be done by a paid staff that everyone pitches in to pay for.
 
Inyourendo said:
Maybe if I was a young single person I could see tolerating living in group housing for a short time but I would take issue with things like division of labor for instance. If people weren't pulling their weight then I would be upset.
Click to expand...
I was thinking around 30 people so it would be a live in commune, hopefully a large house with enough space for everyone to be as private or communal as they liked, the arrangements would be down to democracy regarding food and rules etc. I take your point about the shared social area and a communal place for people to hang out though. thanks for your comments, extremely valuable to me! :) Jill
 
Inyourendo said:
I definitely would not be okay with shared food or bathroom. I would want my own fridge in my room. I think in this kind of housing 1 person needs to manage the house, collect rent and bill money and those who don't pay up needs to be removed. Chores would pretty much need be done by a paid staff that everyone pitches in to pay for.
Click to expand...
I was thinking all en-suite rooms for sure and yes there would be staff to manage the cleaning and bills etc which would be included in the rent
 
JillSummers said:
I did actually mean non judgemental from outside 'non poly' folk and of course would only really like to live with people with their own opinions and views. What a boring world it would be to just be a sheep and as you say poly folk are far from sheep.
Click to expand...

I'm in agreement with NYCIndie. Everyone is judgmental. I'm currently watching another poly group where it's constant strife and kicking people out. Every time a member doesn't say or do or think 100% like the leader of the group, on any subject, they're kicked out.

It may take awhile, but sooner or later that great big online poly community of people is going to reduce itself to a community of one, because nobody there can accept anyone having any different views, on anything.
 
WhatHappened said:
I'm in agreement with NYCIndie. Everyone is judgmental. I'm currently watching another poly group where it's constant strife and kicking people out. Every time a member doesn't say or do or think 100% like the leader of the group, on any subject, they're kicked out.

It may take awhile, but sooner or later that great big online poly community of people is going to reduce itself to a community of one, because nobody there can accept anyone having any different views, on anything.
Click to expand...
Well I disagree and that feels kinda negative to me. I do see problems with this living arrangement and I also see great pleasure can come of it if run properly. I hope you are wrong! Thanks for your thoughts though.
 
JillSummers said:
Well I disagree and that feels kinda negative to me. I do see problems with this living arrangement and I also see great pleasure can come of it if run properly. I hope you are wrong! Thanks for your thoughts though.
Click to expand...

Disagree with what, lol? I just told you I'm watching it happen in real time.

I would agree that those particular people are pretty negative. ;)
 
GalaGirl said:
I would not want to live communally like that in one big house with a bunch of bedrooms.

If I did? I'd prefer everyone in their own space -- like separate apartments in a building or close houses in a neighborhood because that solves my concerns.

  • Quiet hours / noise control
  • Sound proof walls
  • Enough storage room
  • DIY chores + Nobody else suffers. (Solved by having your own apartment. If you are a messy, nobody else has to deal with it. Just you and the lease holder.)
  • Own space when you want to be alone
  • Club house/rec space when you want to be in community

I find it interesting that the things I would want are not listed. Must be my age. :)



I always laugh that #18 on the Kerista standards was "clean up your own mess" and #24 is Money management.

The list starts out idealistic, then the reality of group living sets in. Hello, clean actually being spelled out on the sheet. ;)

Life skills matter -- and I think basics like cooking, cleaning, managing money issues WILL pop up faster in a house situation than in an apartment building situation.

  • I chipped in for my share of groceries. Who ate up all the food? Why am I paying to have nothing when I get home?
  • I did my turn on the chore chart and took out trash. What do you MEAN you blew your turn off? It stinks in here!
  • I paid my part of the utilities. What do you mean you did not pay yours? So I have to suffer with no electric because you are careless?

Apartment style provides that "close by thing" while still "separate enough thing " to me.

I suggest you do not limit your research poly groupings. Look to previous communes / intentional communities of all flavors. How are dorms arranged? Barracks and military bases? What are the pro/cons to architecture? Look to lease contracts for rentals. How are things worded in each? How is conflict resolution handled?

What failed in that group living and why? What worked and why? The Farm is a long standing one. That list is a different kind of read that the Kerista one.

Compare and contrast.

Another thing to consider is the age / personality of the tenants. A house arrangement might work out great for young extraverts. Introverts might not like it. And people in vastly different stages of life will not dig it even if the same chronological age. Like single-ish 20's vs 20's with kids.

GL!
Galagirl
Click to expand...
Some very interesting info there, thank you for your time! I have been familiarising myself with Karista and Black Bear ranch today (as I'm only 23 and fairly new and naive to poly / community living I was unaware of these) It seems a lot would need to be really thought out to make it work. I remain positive, although todays posts are not what I initially anticipated (Isn't that always the way lol). I think food would be tricky, bills would need to be included in the rent so it would not cause issue with tennants (maybe with the landlord though) Own space is a must, all rooms would be en-suite and may even have kitchen facilities to make them like apartments. I would even entertain a community of many duplex in one are although I'd like to carry on exploring the one roof option first. I don't like hierarchy although communism and socialism values can be tricky too. I'd like a democracy, in fact if it got off the ground I would have 1/30 of a say and only if I lived there (and it was 30 people)... Too idealistic? Maybe so. Thanks again :)
 
JillSummers said:
I'd like a democracy, in fact if it got off the ground I would have 1/30 of a say and only if I lived there (and it was 30 people)... Too idealistic? Maybe so. Thanks again :)
Click to expand...

Something you may want to look into, that isn't *quite* in the same vein, but may help you understand what works and what doesn't: communities that have HOAs (homeowner associations). There are good ones, and there are god-awful ones. There are people who hate them and would never live in a community governed by one, and people who love them.

Finding a successful neighborhood with a *good* HOA may help you understand some of the things that work (especially when it comes to things like maintenance of common areas, etc.).
 
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