Polyamory made stuff weird after....

[Droopy]

Hi People. I'm writing from eastern-europe and english is not my first language so bear with me and excuse my bad grammar or poor choice of words.
So, here it is. My wife and I had been togheter for 8 years now, and so far i'm still amazed by how i can be so inlove with someone. I mean, before her i had a relationship for about 4 years and now, when i think of that i wonder how the hell i had even the impression i loved that girl.
We both met when we were 24. I had experience, she had none. She was a virgin, i was her first love, sex partner, person she moved in with, etc.
Back in our early days, because she had little prejudice (yes, people can stay virgins until 24 and not be die hard religious or full of prejudice!) we tried everything. Our small apartment was the kingdom of hardcore homemade porn and we loved that. We developed shared fantasies, and the most common was to be with another girl.
From that to actually meeting a girl to do it we had out fair share of discussions, and we took it slow. The cool thing about it was that we were really inlove and this was not to "spice stuff up"! no, stuff was really hot and the ideea comed out of that. Doing it too often, too good, opened our minds to a threesome. Being decent looking and able to provide a nice conversation, finding a unicorn was not that hard at all. We had our first experience, it was amazing and decided to continue.
Years passed. We had about 10 girls we had sex with and twice as many we just dated. Most were nice, some remained our friends (all got married, into monogamous relationships). but not even one got into our souls. It was our little secret, we had a threesome every 6-12 months, mostly like a experience, not a frequent activity.
Meanwhile we had kids, moved to a bigger home, got a big dog, started a business, had my wife quit her job and work with me, advanced glorious into our 30's as the "colgate commercial family" (we even have the blue eyed kids!). We were that normal, quite boring white family with a lot of stuff to do, but loving eachother and loving the time spent together. Sex remained amazing until this day.
The "problem" appeared in the winter of 2014 when we met online this girl. I proposed to her a threesome (as i always do, when searching for a unicorn) but she refused stating she's profoundly heterosexual. We continued chatting because she was a doctor too and i was involved in a project involving kids, she was a pediatrician and so on....
My wife knew about our conversations, she was a bit jealous that i found someone who's in the same field of work as me but also attractive and female, but was ok with it. We developed over time a special sense of trust (threesomes helped with this)
One evening this girl, Christina said she wanted to meet us, so we invited her at our placeand she accepted. I got her to our place, and we started to bond really quick. She is in many ways gorgeous and incredibly smart, so it was not hard at all to like her, to both of us. We were convinced she was there just to meet the people she was talking to for so long ,but we figured out quite fast she was into doing something else....
Apart from the panick that we were not ready for a sexual encounter, everything was amazing. We had a great sexual experience, and she really enjoyed finding out she was not actually so heterosexual after all....
The actual "problem" started after. We were talking daily. I was finding professional excuses to text her, my wife also wind ways to do it and at the end of the day we exchanged phones to see what the other one had texted with her. I had hours long conversations with her when i was on night duty at the hospital, while my wife was texting her also (damn smartphones!).
We had sex each week, every time better and better, started planning vacantions togheter, daydreaming about beaches and sunsets, dedicating essays to eachother, and a lot of cute stuff that i was thinking got lost with highschool years.
Meanwhile, my wife started getting jealous (even if she was inlove also with Christina) because i had a extra-connection with her, both being doctors and all, my wife was feeling "inferior" to us. She shared her doubts and feelings with me and, even if it broke my heart she was still my greatest love and promised to cool down. Something that i actually did.
This was the point everything got down the drain. Even if my wife and i reassured eachother that feeling for Christina does not erase the feelings we have for eachother, our lover stepped down. She said that it was nice and all but....she desires something simple, a relationship of her own. She also stated this experience only demonstrated her she's 99% heterosexual, wished us luck and...dissapeared.
We both missed her for a while, but the relationship, even as intense at it was, being only 2 months old, was not that hard to get over.
Now, the reason i'm writing here and asking your advice.....
After Christina, we had some time off having threesomes. Concentrated on ourselves, kids, business, etc, but in a few months i started craving for another one like her. I mean ,she offered me,us, those feelings you have in the first two-three months of dating someone you really like and connect with. As much as you love your spouse, stuff is not going back to those moments. You can date her, bring flowers, send kids to grandma, escape to the Azores, whatever! Those butterflies are gone in the dawn of your relationship. It's ok for most people, it was ok for me before Christina....but...
We managed to meet a new girl ,but it was back to threesome-sex. No connection ,no nothing. It just felt...well....boring. The experience was like eating a extra cookie, even if it's not your favourite sort on a full stomach. Useless.
After this, i started looking for a new girl right away....like a heroin addict who got provided low quality merchandise and was looking for a real fix, but my wife said to me she's not into threesomes anymore, that she's happy with our life as a monogamous couple and asked me to stop. I did.
So here i am. Working 10-12 hours/day raising a great business that is providing a lot for us, making us credit-free and having everything we need, staying with our kids who are awesome, having incredible sex with my wife and loving her as much as allways but feeling bored out of my guts!
I mean, i'm ok with the hamster wheel and all, but i want to have a Christina to think about while working and a weekend i can barely wait to happend. Look, it's friday night and i'm writing here!...Soon it will be monday all over again, the phone will start ringing every 5 minutes and i will be on the hamster wheel all over again, waiting for another weekend when again, nothing will happend.
Yes, we will go to a nice restaurant. Yes we will see nice people, chat, drink. Yes i will get to show my son how to ice-skate, but....all i really want it's another Christina and i cant (wont) have her without my wife.
I'm not feeling guilt about the prospect of having a mistress but just feels wrong and out of place. Christina was for both. At least 50% of the good stuff in those months was seeing them both feeling and pleasuring eachother....i cant and wont love another woman on my own. But she's not "into that' anymore and she really looks and feels happy, and all i feel is that life is passing by and i'm not getting enough of it.

Dont know if i am poly. I'm not interested in a relationship outside my marriage, and not for ethical issues. I just love her and i want it to feel and be just like we managed to feel and do before, with Christina.

what should i do?

 

[GreenAcres]

"What do I do?"

Well, first you stop referring to and thinking of this "other person" as nothing but an object for you and your wife's pleasure. People are not objects, and no one is there to make your marriage better, or be a condiment to your life.

Next, take a lot of time to do a search here on "unicorn hunting," "couple privilege," and perhaps read "So Someone called you a unicorn hunter...".

Thing number three is to sit down and have an actual talk with your wife. Your entire post is full of verbage that indicates that either don't listen or are simply dismissive of other's feelings, and is entirely centered on your wants and how to get them. Take some time to consider what your wife wants and needs. It's every bit as important as what you want and need. Now, what about this "third" person's possible wants and needs? Because I can tell you that what you're offering doesn't sound all that great to most bi poly women (who are in short supply and have a huge amount of options). She gets....what, exactly? To be told that she has to "cool it," that she will always be secondary, that she's can only sleep with and have a relationship with you if she also has sex with your wife (and only when your wife allows and is involved), and only until your wife gets pissed and wants you to kick her to the curb (we call that "veto" power)? But, of course, you want her to be emotionally attached to you both? To have no say in how the relationship develops, that her emotional future is reliant on your wife's good graces, which could end at any moment should you wife feel threatened/jealous/bored/whatever? I could go on, but hopefully you can see that from most "unicorn's" perspectives, this isn't exactly going to be attractive if you're up-front going in.

Do some reading. Get the books "opening up," and "More than two." Understand what you're asking, why so much of it is not only problematic but actively demeaning, do some work on your empathy and listening skills, and work on your relationship with your wife (because opening your relationship to solve issues at home--which includes what appears to be at least general malaise on your part--does not make things better, it makes them much worse). Then, and only then, come back to possibly opening your relationship by dating singly, not as a couple. Triads cannot be forced, and when you try, they explode horrifically--there's countless stories of that just on this website.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

my wife said to me she's not into threesomes anymore, that she's happy with our life as a monogamous couple and asked me to stop. I did.

So this is the current agreement between you and wife. You have Closed. Just to each other.

• No more threesome sex only things (which you now find boring anyway.)
  
• No love+sex connections like Christina was(which you wish you had back.)

Then you have this on your plate:

At least 50% of the good stuff in those months was seeing them both feeling and pleasuring eachother....i cant and wont love another woman on my own. But she's not "into that' anymore

While I'm glad you enjoyed it, that's not something you are owed or are entitled to. You can't force two women into a relationship just so you can have your jollies watching them.

i want to have a Christina to think about while working and a weekend i can barely wait to happend

If that is the current want?

The choices are

a) Give up the want so you can have mental peace. Let more time pass and do nothing. Find other ways to alleviate boredom. Seek thrills in other ways -- sports, roller coasters, whatever you like.

b) Keep the want, and change your mind about dating on your own. Ask wife if she could agree to a new arrangement where you can date separately. You accept that she doesn't want threesome sex and she doesn't want a shared GF either. But you would like to have a GF. Would she be ok participating in a "V" with you as the shared sweetie.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Droopy,

It sounds like you're looking (or perhaps at least hoping) for a way to convince your wife to want another Christina. Sad to say, I don't know of any way to do that. The closest I can think of would be to inform your wife that you're jonesing for a Christina and ask her why she's not jonesing for one too.

I take it leaving your wife would be out of the question.
Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Meanwhile we had kids, moved to a bigger home, got a big dog, started a business, had my wife quit her job and work with me, advanced glorious into our 30's as the "colgate commercial family" (we even have the blue eyed kids!). We were that normal, quite boring white family

.......(Christina) offered me,us, those feelings you have in the first two-three months of dating someone you really like and connect with.

..So here i am. Working 10-12 hours/day ....but feeling bored out of my guts!
I mean, i'm ok with the hamster wheel and all, but i want to have a Christina to think about while working and a weekend i can barely wait to happend. Look, it's friday night and i'm writing here!...Soon it will be monday all over again, the phone will start ringing every 5 minutes and i will be on the hamster wheel all over again, waiting for another weekend when again.... i feel is that life is passing by and i'm not getting enough of it.

You're experiencing what a lot of people experience when they buckle down and pursue the kind of life that looks good, the kind of life they were told to pursue, the kind of life that is full of promise but the experience is empty. You're really not missing Christina, you're missing your connection with meaning and fulfillment. Christina awoke feelings in you that made you feel alive and connected and full of passion. Those are all resources that a Christina doesn't provide, but merely becomes an outlet for. So yes, you're approaching this like a heroin addict, as you say, and that's gonna be a dead end every time because what you're grasping for is not something that another person (any person) can provide for you in any sustainable way.

A real Christina relationship would come out of an authentic, connected, passionate, meaningful life that you've built for yourself. Your wife, your kids, your lovers can't give you what you're looking for - not in any way that lasts. Looking to your wife to go along with your vision of finding another Christina isn't going to work because your vision is about getting a "fix," not about building a real life with someone. The way you're going about it (which is the typical way, the "normal" way) is that you're putting all of the props on the stage, hoping to feel something by watching the show, but there's only so much that a prop and a show can give you. Living from weekend to weekend, working toward vacation, those are sure signs that there's an awful lot missing in your world - and what's missing is YOU. Your authentic, messy, real, feeling self. No Christina is going to be able to give you what you're missing because what's missing is your connection to what's already inside of you.