I just want my feelings to be validated. I feel like I'm supposed to just be ok with everything or I'm the one that's negative. they take advantage of every available moment when I'm at work so "it's not taking anything away from me". The gf is in another relationship that the partner doesn't know. For a couple months they were having these private moments without my knowledge then hubby decided to tell me and come clean with full honesty. We have all shared that since then except that he is about to give her a promise ring. Initially she did not want me to know. Hubby insisted and now they have included me in planning so I can share but I cannot be there because it would interfere. I just want it to be okay for me to have a concern or feel uncomfortable and voice that without it being wrong and me being told I'm making them feel bad or like they are cheating. I had some issues early in but have grown past that. I just want the chance to prove that and to not be criticized for every facieal expression or comment I make.
IMHO, this changes things pretty substantially. You weren't unicorn hunting, my mistake (not that some of that doesn't apply to how things progress, if you want it to, but it's not really what you guys need to be focusing on).
1. Poly from cheating almost never works. I've seen two cases of it, both here (never IRL),and those both took a LONG time to work out, with much patience by all involved.
2. You haven't healed from that betrayal yet. Expecting you to just jump in and be totally fine with everything is bullshit. It's not only unrealistic, it's ridiculously selfish on their part.
3. She's still cheating on her partner. This is *never* a good thing. Ever. Drama *will* ensure, her partner *will* find out, and shit *will* it the fan. Morals of cheating aside for just a second, many betrayed partners react pretty (understanably) harshly to finding out about the betrayal.It's bad enough when it's just one other partner. But, in your case, this is poly. It's not a protected status ANYWHERE in the US that I am aware of. Meaning, you and your husband have an awful lot to lose if the betrayed partner decides (and they often do, PM me if you want the link to a board specifically for healing from cheating, and take a gander around there at what happens) to out you to family, friends, employers, etc. Poly is not a widely socially-accepted thing, and depending where you are in the US, this could go pretty wrong pretty fast.
4. Back to the morals of cheating. So...you're okay with being part of a relationships that removes agency from someone else? With aiding in removing their ability to make informed decisions about their sexual and emotional well-being, without their consent? Turn that situation around...how would you feel if your partner was fucking two other people that you didn't know, and (almost certainly) not using protection with you? Would you believe any assurances that of course the other partners were drug/disease free and/or that appropriate safer sex practices had been followed with them (given you'd been lied to for how long about literally everything else)? Lying to you (heck, you've been there, but at least your husband came clean)? Changing your entire relationship structure with no input from you, or without the chance for you to decide that you didn't want that relationship structure? Also, the reality is that while some cheaters only cheat once, it's pretty rare. So, you are also putting yourself at risk, since your gf seemingly has no issues being dishonest about who she's fucking if she decides her pleasure is more important than your safety. (yeah, this is harsh, but reality often sucks--I am not saying there's never any reason for cheating, but the realities of it remain the same. You need to decide if you can look at those realities with a clean head and accept them).
5. You need to stand up for you. You have needs. They are valid. If you partners are not listening to them, you need to figure out if that's because you aren't communicating those needs in a way that is clear and understandable, or if your partners just don't give a rat's ass because they're so deep in their bubble they can't/won't consider your feelings and needs equally to theirs. If it's the former, more and better communication is key. If it's the latter, you need to decide if you want to stick that out or find other options.
6. Your husband needs to be focusing on healing and rebuilding trust with you right now. If he can't do that, he's definitely not cut out for poly with you, her, or anyone else. Period. That may or may not mean taking a break (or ending) the relationship with GF--that depends on what you and he can both handle while still healing. But, if he just wants to sweep this under the rug and not deal with his dishonesty and trust breaking, it's not going to work, and that is clearly already playing out in your (totally valid) feelings. He should be seeking to find ways to reconnect with you, rebuild trust, and build the lines of communication. He's doing the opposite.
I am sorry you're part of this. It's messy, and almost certainly will end in a shitshow. For me, people who cause their own messy, dramatic situation aren't people who I allow into my life--dating or otherwise--and if my partners elect to do so and that begins to impact my life, I am out. I am not saying you have to do the same thing, but you do need to start thinking about your own boundaries, your own needs, and how you move forward both as an individual and, if you wish, in your relationships, in healthy ways. This is not healthy.
