Polydiselitus

Hobo didn't realize your girlfriend was cheating, there's no way I would be in relationship without the consent of all parties involved. You DO NOT have to be involved with someone who is being unethical
 
Question of cheating.

They were not completely cheating. It was already agreed upon that they could have sex alone. Just they decided that it was okay for more often than I was comfortable with and rather than upset or hurt me thought it best to just keep it quiet. I totally disagree with this method and when it did come out yes it hurt. Hubby and I have and are working through it. I have yet to talk about the issue with the gf though. Every time I think j might something comes up in her life causing stress and I just don't want to be one more thing to hurt her at that moment so I keep putting it off. It's coming to s point though, as our relationship does grow that I feel I need to calmly let her know how that did hurt me and that it is taking some time to rebuild that trust. As for her partner, he is abusive and there wasn't much of a relationship there ever. They are more cohabitating

Thank you everyone for the advice. This is helping and we had some good breakthroughs today.
 
So they were having sex more often than you said they could? Well now, how did you all agree that they could only have sex X times a month, a week, a day? That seems like an odd agreement. Don't 2 adults in a relationship get to have sex as often as time allows and desire requires?

It still sounds like you're keeping a tit for tat balance sheet.

My main problem with this is that your shared gf is cheating on her other partner. It's NOT polyamory if anyone in the network is cheating on someone else. Your gf is not practicing polyamory.
 
Polyfitjt said:
They were not completely cheating. It was already agreed upon that they could have sex alone. Just they decided that it was okay for more often than I was comfortable with and rather than upset or hurt me thought it best to just keep it quiet. I totally disagree with this method and when it did come out yes it hurt. Hubby and I have and are working through it. I have yet to talk about the issue with the gf though. Every time I think j might something comes up in her life causing stress and I just don't want to be one more thing to hurt her at that moment so I keep putting it off. It's coming to s point though, as our relationship does grow that I feel I need to calmly let her know how that did hurt me and that it is taking some time to rebuild that trust. As for her partner, he is abusive and there wasn't much of a relationship there ever. They are more cohabitation

Thank you everyone for the advice. This is helping and we had some good breakthroughs today.
Click to expand...

You say, earlier, that they're in a relationship, but now that they are "more cohabiting." Is he aware that they're not in a relationship? Because if she hasn't told him they're not, then they still are, and she's still cheating. And, if he's abusive, doesn't that sound like an even worse idea? I mean, it's not like that's going to make things better when he finds out. Is she, then, planning on leaving him? Does that mean she's looking for other places to live (hopefully not with you two right away)?
 
Polyfitjt said:
They were not completely cheating. It was already agreed upon that they could have sex alone. Just they decided that it was okay for more often than I was comfortable with and rather than upset or hurt me thought it best to just keep it quiet. I totally disagree with this method and when it did come out yes it hurt. Hubby and I have and are working through it. I have yet to talk about the issue with the gf though. Every time I think j might something comes up in her life causing stress and I just don't want to be one more thing to hurt her at that moment so I keep putting it off. It's coming to s point though, as our relationship does grow that I feel I need to calmly let her know how that did hurt me and that it is taking some time to rebuild that trust. As for her partner, he is abusive and there wasn't much of a relationship there ever. They are more cohabitating

Thank you everyone for the advice. This is helping and we had some good breakthroughs today.
Click to expand...

I meant she is cheating on her husband
 
I am glad this thread may be helping you.

Polyfitjt said:
... Every time I think j might something comes up in her life causing stress and I just don't want to be one more thing to hurt her at that moment so I keep putting it off....
Click to expand...
So you haven't talked to the gf about something that hurt you very much for months?
I must say to me this seems like a very bad habit in problem solving. (Especially if anger is involved. That should lead you to adress it's cause as soon as possible. Working on it myself...) I think you are being to "considerate"/conflict avoidant her, you definitelly should clear the air and make sure she understands this won't be the way to go with you. She's already tried to repeat the pattern... with the ring... right?
Also, there seem to be quite a lot of unspoken things/assumptions/expectations in your triade/V. I think all of you would benefit from pulling the skeletons out of the closet (at a managable speed, but all of them).
 
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