Polyfidelity

Feileks

New member
Hello. I am Allison. I'm thirty years old. I moved to New Albany, Indiana from Maryland back in January. I have one partner currently who I have been with for long term going on nine years now. We discussed polyamory early on in our relationship and planned to explore it once we had worked on the new relationship between us and ourselves. Fast forward six years, we opened up our relationship. He doesn't have any interest at the moment to date anyone, so it's been only me meeting new people and opening up my heart to potentials. It's been a few years now. I've definitely learned some things and had my heart broken a couple times. From the beginning, one thing that means a lot to us, my boyfriend and I, is that we only date people who are closed poly/polyfidelity, for health reasons, mostly. It's been so hard finding people who are. The people I meet see poly as a way to have many, many partners. The pandemic isn't helping. I've been talking to someone for a few months now. I don't think it's going to work out. I don't think we're as compatible as we hoped. I plan on holding off on dating until a reliable vaccine is out and successful. Sometimes I wonder if I will find what I am looking for. I'm just glad that I am not alone in this.
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Greetings Allison,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you have had some frustrations in trying to find the poly partner that's right for you. I don't know if it will help for me to say this, but I am in a polyfidelitous V, there's just three of us and that's probably all there will ever be. So polyfidelitous people are out there, I know that by personal experience. I hope Polyamory.com can become a haven for you, a place where you can go to speak your heart and get feedback and advice as needed. We are here to help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 

cornishrob123

New member
Hello. I am Allison. I'm thirty years old. I moved to New Albany, Indiana from Maryland back in January. I have one partner currently who I have been with for long term going on nine years now. We discussed polyamory early on in our relationship and planned to explore it once we had worked on the new relationship between us and ourselves. Fast forward six years, we opened up our relationship. He doesn't have any interest at the moment to date anyone, so it's been only me meeting new people and opening up my heart to potentials. It's been a few years now. I've definitely learned some things and had my heart broken a couple times. From the beginning, one thing that means a lot to us, my boyfriend and I, is that we only date people who are closed poly/polyfidelity, for health reasons, mostly. It's been so hard finding people who are. The people I meet see poly as a way to have many, many partners. The pandemic isn't helping. I've been talking to someone for a few months now. I don't think it's going to work out. I don't think we're as compatible as we hoped. I plaon holding off on dating until a reliable vaccine is out and successful. Sometimes I wonder if I will find what I am looking for. I'm just glad that I am not alone in this.
Wow So many things for me to look up .Be safe .
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
I mean, realistically closed vs open is not a binary switch - I’m philosophically emphatically open but realistically I haven’t had a “new” sexual partner (at least that wasn’t already part of my network, if you count the random threesome with my spouse’s partner a while back) in like six years. Husband and partner are same, though partner’s other partner may have some more casual things happen once in a while. So if your goal is STI safety, there are definitely more ways to do that than just polyfidelity and you may find other compatible people who are scared off by “official” polyfidelity but have similar risk profiles.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Well-known member
Much like icesong, my partners and I are frequently FUNCTIONALLY closed (not actively dating and there are only 3 of us) but we are all always THEORETICALLY open (open to new connections). Occasionally one of us will go on a few dates, but it has been... Two and a half years? I think?... since any of us have had a new sexual partner. And that was a few months of me dating a couple who were far away so sex only happened a handful of times, and THEY weren't seeing anyone besides each other and me/I was the first person either of them had been with other than each other in a decade. So pretty safe (if they'd actually been honest/more clear about their own status but that's neither here nor there because it was a communication thing more than anything and it wasn't actually anything DANGEROUS, just stigmatized).

I think it's going to be hard to find someone willing to be closed unless you're aiming for 50/50 time with current partner/other partner (or less likely all cohabiting long term like Kevin's family) OR new partner also has a nesting partner and is comfortable with what you can offer.

Nothing is impossible, but nonmonogamy is already one thing that narrows down the dating pool. Add in specific structure or whatever and it's going to get more and more difficult to find others who are compatible.

What you're describing is very similar to unicorn hunting if you want to do some reading. Couples privilege would be another keyword to search to try to avoid the pitfalls that can occur with that.

Good luck! ☺️
 
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