Hi. I'm married, and in a mono (at the moment) relationship. I have been reading and researching, and I believe that both my husband and I are poly by inclination (and in his case, by his past actions). He seems to find fulfillment in having 2 relationships going at once, just in the past he has not informed me of the other relationship, which is the part I don't like. I just want honesty, I don't like being lied to. I have recently started to explore online/phone relationships that I only find fulfilling when they are both about friendship and sex. I want to open up to my husband about agreeing to a poly relationship, but I don't know how to ease him into it without freaking him out and thinking I want to end things. I just want to expand our relationship to include what I think we both want/need, which is another relationship that fulfills us in other, but needed, ways. Any advice would be very welcome.
polymaybe....
- Thread starter polymaybe
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hyperskeptic
New member
Welcome to the forum!
When my wife first raised the possibility of polyamory, I already knew she had been learning about it, through online friends of hers who - aside from other interests my wife shares with them - have been practicing polyamory.
She brought it up as a question for consideration: "I've been learning about polyamory. Here's how I understand it. Is this something we might consider?"
I was freaked out, at first, but mainly because the idea was unfamiliar. Since she raised it as a possibility that we could consider for our relationship, it did not otherwise seem a threat to our relationship. If anything, I was worried that I could not be open to relationships with others without threatening my ability to maintain my relationship with my wife and with our children.
I started reading about polyamory, learning all I could . . . and a week later, I raised the possibility of actually making the change.
It was kind of a soft sell, on her part. I wonder if that kind of approach could work, in your case?
It might be helpful, at this point, to expand your understanding of what your options are. You say "another relationship", but does that mean you and your husband would both have a relationship with the same person?
That's a common approach, as you'll discover by reading the forum, but can be very difficult. (See all the various threads about triads and "unicorn hunting".)
Another possibility is for each of you to develop other relationships, independently. That's the model my wife and I have followed, and it has worked well . . . for us . . . so far.
All the best to you as you figure all this out.
When my wife first raised the possibility of polyamory, I already knew she had been learning about it, through online friends of hers who - aside from other interests my wife shares with them - have been practicing polyamory.
She brought it up as a question for consideration: "I've been learning about polyamory. Here's how I understand it. Is this something we might consider?"
I was freaked out, at first, but mainly because the idea was unfamiliar. Since she raised it as a possibility that we could consider for our relationship, it did not otherwise seem a threat to our relationship. If anything, I was worried that I could not be open to relationships with others without threatening my ability to maintain my relationship with my wife and with our children.
I started reading about polyamory, learning all I could . . . and a week later, I raised the possibility of actually making the change.
It was kind of a soft sell, on her part. I wonder if that kind of approach could work, in your case?
It might be helpful, at this point, to expand your understanding of what your options are. You say "another relationship", but does that mean you and your husband would both have a relationship with the same person?
That's a common approach, as you'll discover by reading the forum, but can be very difficult. (See all the various threads about triads and "unicorn hunting".)
Another possibility is for each of you to develop other relationships, independently. That's the model my wife and I have followed, and it has worked well . . . for us . . . so far.
All the best to you as you figure all this out.
I have brought up the idea of an open marriage before, as we know many couples who practice it, but his immediate reaction was "NO!" because that is what he thought I wanted to hear; after all, my reaction to finding out about his other extra-marital relationships had been rather explosive. Though the more I have looked into it, poly is what seems would be the fit for us, as it follows what he had already been doing, and I am now interested in pursuing as well.
Each having a separate relationship is what I had in mind, I don't think us sharing another person would be what we wanted, it certainly isn't what I want. Knowing the other is being fulfilled by someone else is one thing, SEEING it would be quite another...
Each having a separate relationship is what I had in mind, I don't think us sharing another person would be what we wanted, it certainly isn't what I want. Knowing the other is being fulfilled by someone else is one thing, SEEING it would be quite another...
Hi polymaybe,
Welcome to our forum.
I would just tell your husband that you have been thinking about poly, and that you think it might be good for the both of you. Maybe he will have "a reaction" to it at first, but you could still bring it up again later (e.g., "I've still been thinking about it, and wonder if we could just talk about it"). Just emphasize to him whenever you can that you want to stay with him and just do whatever is the best for the two of you.
Sometimes it takes time to get used to things. I would also emphasize to him that it's the honesty that's important to you (and that you want to know how he really feels, not just want he thinks you'd like to hear).
I hope you guys can work something out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Welcome to our forum.
I would just tell your husband that you have been thinking about poly, and that you think it might be good for the both of you. Maybe he will have "a reaction" to it at first, but you could still bring it up again later (e.g., "I've still been thinking about it, and wonder if we could just talk about it"). Just emphasize to him whenever you can that you want to stay with him and just do whatever is the best for the two of you.
Sometimes it takes time to get used to things. I would also emphasize to him that it's the honesty that's important to you (and that you want to know how he really feels, not just want he thinks you'd like to hear).
I hope you guys can work something out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Thank you for all the advice!
I actually brought it up to him last night as a discussion like Hyperskeptic suggested, and it went very well. I let him know it was a discussion, that we weren't rehashing the past, he wasn't in trouble, but there was something I wanted to discuss about our past, and possibly our future. I explained why I believe he is poly due to his past actions and what he sought from those relationships, and that what happened back then made so much more sense to me in this light. I also told him that it was something I was very interested in trying for us, and that if we were going to do it, both of us would be poly. We had a long discussion, and we have tentatively agreed to give it a go. He wants to read and research about it for himself, which is good and I encouraged of course. We have agreed to keep this an open and ongoing discussion while we make the concrete decision and rules.
I made sure to emphasize that honesty and communication were key to making this work, and that the MOST important thing was US, and that this was to enhance what we have, not to try to replace it.
Yes GalaGirl, since his past indiscretions, there have been no more incidents, and he got help for his problems with lying. However, I can always tell when someone has struck his fancy, even if he isn't acting on it. It's one of the reasons I initially started looking into poly.
Thank you all for your advice and support! We're probably going to need a lot of it as we continue on this path!
I actually brought it up to him last night as a discussion like Hyperskeptic suggested, and it went very well. I let him know it was a discussion, that we weren't rehashing the past, he wasn't in trouble, but there was something I wanted to discuss about our past, and possibly our future. I explained why I believe he is poly due to his past actions and what he sought from those relationships, and that what happened back then made so much more sense to me in this light. I also told him that it was something I was very interested in trying for us, and that if we were going to do it, both of us would be poly. We had a long discussion, and we have tentatively agreed to give it a go. He wants to read and research about it for himself, which is good and I encouraged of course. We have agreed to keep this an open and ongoing discussion while we make the concrete decision and rules.
I made sure to emphasize that honesty and communication were key to making this work, and that the MOST important thing was US, and that this was to enhance what we have, not to try to replace it.
Yes GalaGirl, since his past indiscretions, there have been no more incidents, and he got help for his problems with lying. However, I can always tell when someone has struck his fancy, even if he isn't acting on it. It's one of the reasons I initially started looking into poly.
Thank you all for your advice and support! We're probably going to need a lot of it as we continue on this path!
Then I am glad the past is PAST. And that you both are moving it forward in a way that encourages better communication, trust, and openness. Read together, learn together.
Things like
http://www.morethantwo.com/
http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm
and more.
Figure out what you rights and responsibilites might look like (I link to mine) and how you will deal in conflict resolution.
If you are USA, sometimes county extension offices have a lot of relationship skills classes and/or handouts like healthy conflict resolution. Google the name of your county and "extension office" to find their website.
Like "Apple County Extension Office."
Sometimes churches offer relationship classes or curricula to strengthen relationship. Though not necessarily couched in terms of poly, communication skills are communication skills. YKWIM?
GL!
GG
Things like
http://www.morethantwo.com/
http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm
and more.
Figure out what you rights and responsibilites might look like (I link to mine) and how you will deal in conflict resolution.
If you are USA, sometimes county extension offices have a lot of relationship skills classes and/or handouts like healthy conflict resolution. Google the name of your county and "extension office" to find their website.
Like "Apple County Extension Office."
Sometimes churches offer relationship classes or curricula to strengthen relationship. Though not necessarily couched in terms of poly, communication skills are communication skills. YKWIM?
GL!
GG
Ok, so here's an update:
We have started dating other people. He has a nice girl he is seeing, and I have a couple guys that I am talking to, though I have stronger leanings towards one. Everyone is completely informed of what my husband and I are and what we are doing, and everyone is ok with it. The girl my husband is currently dating will only be a short-term thing, as she will be moving to a diff state in about 4 months or so. Both the men I am talking to are looking for long term, and understand what that would entail.
Now for the rules....they are morphing and changing as we go along. We thought we wouldn't want to know anything about or talk about the people we are seeing, but we have found as long as we don't SHOW each other exactly what the other looks like, we are totally fine with talking about them. There was a little flub-up with communication on my husband's part, but I brought his attention to it immediately, and it hasn't been an issue since.
So far so good!
We have started dating other people. He has a nice girl he is seeing, and I have a couple guys that I am talking to, though I have stronger leanings towards one. Everyone is completely informed of what my husband and I are and what we are doing, and everyone is ok with it. The girl my husband is currently dating will only be a short-term thing, as she will be moving to a diff state in about 4 months or so. Both the men I am talking to are looking for long term, and understand what that would entail.
Now for the rules....they are morphing and changing as we go along. We thought we wouldn't want to know anything about or talk about the people we are seeing, but we have found as long as we don't SHOW each other exactly what the other looks like, we are totally fine with talking about them. There was a little flub-up with communication on my husband's part, but I brought his attention to it immediately, and it hasn't been an issue since.
So far so good!