"Polysecure" by Jessica Fern

Al99

Well-known member
The book, Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy, by Jessica Fern happened to show up in my Amazon list of suggested books - not surprisingly as I've ordered the Kindle versions of a couple dozen or so poly-related books from them, but it's been a couple of years since I've read anything new related to poly. However, when I noticed the "best seller" tag by it, I thought it deserved a read - as that distinction doesn't happen all too often with poly books. I'm glad I did - it is probably the most insightful and potentially helpful poly-related book that I have read.

I did a search of this forum to see if there were other posts that talked about "Polysecure", and I found a number of posts that mentioned the book and commented positively on it - although none dedicated to the book itself. So, I thought I would just drop a post to give it a hearty recommendation for those who still may not have heard of it, and perhaps especially for those many people who read in this forum but are not members.

The book consists of three sections: an overview of attachment theory, attachment theory as applied to polyamory, and attachment theory based suggestions on how to be secure in poly relationships. I was not familiar with attachment theory, so that section alone was well worth the read - very interesting concept with the potential to assist in self understanding. And, the suggestions section should prove helpful to anyone in a relationship - poly or mono alike.

I have heard the books "Ethical Slut", "Opening Up", and "More Than Two" referred to as the "Big 3" on occasion. And they are all important books. "Opening Up", although dated in some respects, is probably still the best book for a married couple opening up their marriage (that I am aware of). "More Than Two" is an invaluable resource book on poly ethics, despite being overly verbose and highly opinionated (and its author having been somewhat discredited) - just for its value as a discussion starter on various poly issues. I found the third edition of "The Ethical Slut" to be much more up to date and inclusive of the broad spectrum of polyamory - still a good read. These books are good books "about" poly - definitions, structure, and the like. And a good place to start for those new to the poly.

But the books that I have found that take a deeper look are my favorites and the most helpful (outside of learning the basic theory, terminology, and structure): "Sex at Dawn", "Designer Relationships", and now "Polysecure". All recommended. :)



 
I have put Polysecure into my list of recommended books to read.
 
I have put Polysecure into my list of recommended books to read.

What is your recommended list, Kevin?

I would be interested in seeing how it compares with my impressions. And to see if I have missed reading anything on your list.
 
Here's the list.
  • "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino.
  • "More than Two: a practical guide to ethical polyamory," by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert.
  • "Eight Things I Wish I'd Known about Polyamory (before I tried it and frakked it up)," by Cunning Minx.
  • "The Polyamory Toolkit," by Dan and Dawn Williams.
  • "Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator: uncommon love and life," by Amy Gahran.
  • "The Ethical Slut: a practical guide to polyamory, open relationships and other adventures," by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy.
  • "Sex at Dawn: how we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships," by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá.
  • "Polysecure: attachment, trauma and consensual nonmonogamy," by Jessica Fern.
  • "Polyamory: the new love without limits," by Deborah Anapol.
  • "Love in Abundance: a counselor's guide to open relationships," by Kathy Labriola.
  • "A Therapist's Guide to Consensual Nonmonogamy: polyamory, swinging, and open marriage," by Rhea Orion.
  • "Polyamory: roadmaps for the clueless and hopeful," by Anthony Ravenscroft.
  • "The Monogamy Myth: a personal handbook for recovering from affairs," by Peggy Vaughan.
  • "Open: love, sex, and life in an open marriage," by Jenny Block.
  • "Designer Relationships," by Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson.
  • "The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory: everything you need to know about open relationships, nonmonogamy, and alternative love," by Dedeker Winston.
  • "Power Circuits: polyamory in a power dynamic," by Raven Kaldera.
  • "The Polyamorists Next Door: inside multiple-partner relationships and families," by Elisabeth Sheff.
Generally (vaguely), the higher a book is on the list, the more I recommend it. But I haven't read the majority of these books. If I trim the list down to just the books I've read, it will look like this:
  • "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino.
  • "More than Two: a practical guide to ethical polyamory," by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert.
  • "The Ethical Slut:" what I read was the first edition.
  • "Sex at Dawn: how we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships," by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá.
  • "Polyamory: love without limits," by Deborah Anapol: what I read was the first edition.
  • "The Polyamorists Next Door: inside multiple-partner relationships and families," by Elisabeth Sheff.
Many titles are on the list because others recommended them. Hopefully this is helpful.
 
Kevin,

Just looking at your personal list (that you have read) -

I have read all of those (on your list) and found them all helpful in different respects.

"Ethical Slut" - I read both the second and third editions, but not the first.
"Polyamory - Love Without Limits" - I read Deborah Anapol's 2010 updated edition:
"Polyamory in the 21st Century: Love and Intimacy with Multiple Partners"

Of these, despite the substantial research represented, Sheff's "The Polyamorist's Next Door" was probably the least personally helpful, and the hardest one to get through.

I have not read all the ones on your first list, but I did find these (from the list) very helpful in various respects:
  • "Eight Things I Wish I'd Known about Polyamory (before I tried it and frakked it up)," by Cunning Minx.
  • Sex at Dawn: how we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships," by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá.
  • "Polysecure: attachment, trauma and consensual nonmonogamy," by Jessica Fern.
  • "Designer Relationships," by Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson.
Thanks for posting! I will definitely take a look at the ones that I have not read - and hopefully this list will prove useful to others - especially those new to poly or considering poly.

When I have a moment, I will add a couple of others that I have read as well.

 
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