Possible to change from FWB to just friends??

B

B&JENM

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I have a new FWB, Bob, who started as my FWB. We haven’t been friends for long and have not had full sex. It turns out we have a lot in common and I find him very interesting. He also has a lot in common with my husband. He’s like me and my husband in one person. So weird. His son is my daughter's age, will probably be at the same school. They are both 4, and Bob lives just a mile away.

We took a break, as I was starting to get the feels for him. My husband, Jay, and I aren’t able to have full poly relationships right now. We are trying to keep things more unemotional.

I’m afraid that once our break is over I’ll just continue having the feels for Bob again… or some version, which I think is fine, as long as they are kept lower on the feelings-intensity scale, meaning probably fewer meetups and less communication. BUT, I’m wondering if the better option might be to just break off the sexual relationship completely and just try to keep him around as purely a friend…I think he might be okay with that, if I can unlearn the other feelings somehow. I just really like him as a person and I'm thinking the better option is preserving the potential long-term relationship we could have in a platonic way.

We are pretty early in, so I’m hoping it’s possible, if I can figure out how to not want to rip his clothes off, because I’m very attracted to him. I think it’s mostly his personality that I’m attracted to. Like, at first glance, he was okay-looking, and then I got hooked when I realized who he was… or seems to be.

Has anyone else done this before? Any thoughts or advice?

Ughgggggg!!!
 
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I can easily fall for a friend that I'm attracted to. if I felt the way you do now about someone, ending the benefits part of the relationship would not end my desire to rip his clothes off. In fact, the closer we get as friends, the stronger that would become to me.

Do you have this magic ability to turn off attraction, desire and physical response like that? If so, I'd like to know your secret. 😉
 
Okay, so you are right. I think it’s going to be tough!!! I’m in therapy now, so maybe they can help me figure it out?! I literally pursued therapy to figure out how to handle all this ENM stuff. I may figure out I’m more of a lover than a sexer. I’ll post back if I find the magic solution.
 
I've had various degrees of crushes on friends all my life. Even if you're poly, though, not every person you meet is going to be appropriate to have a full-on adult love/sex relationship with.

I've been poly all my life, but I didn't manage to work that kind of love-style into my life until after my ex-husband and I broke up in 2008. Several years before we broke up, while we were still mono in practice, I fell so freaking hard for the boy next door. Well, across the street lol. He became friends with both of us and was over a lot. He and my ex started playing guitars together and soon they had a band with a few other people, and they'd have weekly or biweekly practices at our house. The continual proximity was torture. I will never fully get over him. He got married while we were still meeting socially. They are mono. I haven't actually seen him in the flesh in like 15 years, but I always check when he posts on social media.

That's just one example. I've had other crushes that were easier to deal with and faded much more quickly. Usually, like you said, if you spend less time together, it makes it easier to handle, just being platonic friends.

I do hope, though, that you and your husband work things out so you can be full-on poly and be able to enjoy your crush. ;)
 
Hello B&JENM,

It is possible to change from FWB to just friends, but it's not easy. First you must explain to Bob that you are removing the sexual part, then you must have a conversation with yourself, that you are going to do this because it is too hot and heavy. It might help if you suspend all contact with Bob for a month. This will give you some time and space for your feelings to simmer down. Just make sure you communicate (with both of the guys) about what you have decided to do.

Good luck,
Kevin T.
 
How long is your break? Days, or weeks?

I've read on this forum a recommendation to go no-contact after a breakup for four weeks. I've applied it with a friend who at some point became a play partner and we started developing a desire for more. It worked, we're still friends.
So if you want to end the benefits part, parhaps consider making your break long enough.
 
So far, the break has been about 2 weeks. We plan to continue our break for quite a while, as my husband and I have couple's therapy to do before moving forward with ENM. The therapist is an ENM/sex therapist. I’m just thinking ahead at this point… Thanks for your response!
 
I have found that 40 days is better than 30, for a break. I know that seems weird, but I think it's just a biological chemistry thing. It takes a certain amount of time to simmer down.

It's like, when you hug? Try hugging a loved one for 10 seconds and see how you feel. Later, try hugging them for 20 seconds. See the difference? You get that sigh of relief and relaxation after a full 20 seconds that you don't get after just 10 seconds. It takes that long for the oxytocin to kick in.

I think it's similar with taking relationship breaks. There is an actual timeframe needed.

I was once in a toxic relationship with a narcissist. When I broke up with him, I wasn't quite sure why things felt so off and wrong, I just knew I had to get out. I missed him terribly for 30, 35 days. But at 40 days, I was over the need to hear his voice, feel his presence, touch him. I felt no need to contact him. Oddly, ironically, he messaged ME on day 40, asking if we could be friends. I met with him to see. (I even thought, maybe we could stop being bf and gf, but still hook up now and then, because the sex was great.)

Well! On that Day-41 date, his faults, failures, inconsistencies, disrespect (of everyone), lies, gaslighting, triangulation, and all his other narc manipulation techniques were clear as day. After an hour, I split for good, fully disgusted.

I know that's a more extreme case than yours, but it was a clear example of why we take a 40 day break.
 
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