Power Exchange and Poly

M

MsEmotional

Member
Has anyone ever found out that their style of dominance/submission doesn't match their partner's? If so, do you try to compromise/negotiate to see if each of you can meet the others' needs? Or do you find another partner who is into the same thing as you are?

I ask because my boyfriend and I identify as switches, but I tend to take on a more dominate role more often and he takes on a more submissive role. This has worked well for us as we are really happy with this dynamic.

Last night I told him that I was in kind of a sub mood and he took on a more dominant role. It wasn't good. I was confused, he seemed confused, etc. afterwards I expressed that I had felt kind of confused as to whether he was really enjoying himself and he said that he is kind of experimenting with my body and that it's hard to figure out what I like because I am so quiet when I am submissive. This was surprising to me, as I have always been of the mindset that being toppy means that you get to play with the sub how YOU want -- at least that's the mindset that I have when I am toppy with him. But he said that when he is dominant what he wants to do is to make the submissive feel really good and let go -- but to me the whole experience of letting go is about not worrying about my own pleasure and simply letting someone else take me.

Long story short, I am feeling really undesirable and sad right now --- like he doesn't really want me and is only toppy because he knows I like to switch.

I am feeling kind of torn -- do I try to work on teaching him what I like when I sub so that he feels like he is pleasing me AND I can pretend that he isn't doing it to please me? Or do I just figure we have a great dynamic when I am dominant with him and save me subbing for a different partner? I feel like since I have other partners I am supposed to let this go and meet my needs elsewhere so that I am not pressuring him. On the other hand, I feel like maybe there's some room to figure out a way to make this work for both of us?

ETA: just wanted to clarify that when I say that I have the mindset that I get to play with him how I want when I am dominant, I don't mean to undermine the importance of consent. Consent is really important to me and he thoroughly enjoys the things I do to him when I am dominant with him....I just have the viewpoint that the pleasure of the dominant is what drives the interaction, whereas he has the viewpoint that my pleasure is what drives the interaction regardless of what roles we're I n.
 
Last edited:
MsEmotional said:
This was surprising to me, as I have always been of the mindset that being toppy means that you get to play with the sub how YOU want -- at least that's the mindset that I have when I am toppy with him. But he said that when he is dominant what he wants to do is to make the submissive feel really good and let go -- but to me the whole experience of letting go is about not worrying about my own pleasure and simply letting someone else take me.
Click to expand...
I'm the sub in my relationship, but I've learned to switch sometimes.

In my experience, both reasons are valid and common in tops, and different people have them to a different degree, but usually people have both, and I'd say you need both to be a good dom.

I imagine if you were the top and your bf didn't like any of what you're doing with him, you wouldn't like the game either. You're doing it more out of your own playfulness, but you do derive some pleasure from his pleasure.

I imagine if your bf as a top only did things that please you, he wouldn't feel like a top either. Maybe he wishes to please you overall, but I'm sure he'll sprinkle some of his own sadism or playfulness into it.

It sounds like it was one of the first scenes where you switched. I strongly suggest giving it time. Your boyfriend may need the foundation of knowing you well, recognizing safely what you like and dislike, to relax a bit in the dominant role.
Even experienced doms may not hit it right the first time with a new person.

If you're very quiet as a submissive, consider being more expressive. I don't mean to tell you to "act", I mean to express yourself unrestrained, not holding your emotions inside but showing them with your body/voice.
The top (unless he's into objectification) does usually derive his pleasure from the bottom's reactions, positive or negative, so not holding them back is a skill to learn for the bottom.

I think with talking through your mindsets, communicating during the scene and experience maybe you can get to a pretty satisfying place. If not, then yes, you submit to other partners. But it's too soon to make a conclusion.
 
Last edited:
Agree with Tinwen in that I think you need to give it time. It may turn out that you're not compatible with that dynamic and you need to get your sub needs met elsewhere... but 1 scene isn't a long time to learn how the other person likes to play in that way. And it sounds like you maybe didn't do much negotiating ahead of time in terms of what being a bottom/sub means for you and what being a top/Dom means for him, so no wonder it didn't work out! I think you need more dialogue ahead of time to figure out the wants and needs, and THEN you can see if you play well in that way.
 
Tinwen and Breathemusic are both right - although yes, sometimes it CAN be the case that you have two people who are theoretically compatible based on "which side of the slash" and yet their desires and how they interpret that don't overlap at all. Knight and I are a bit like that - we're still figuring out how to work with what we have, but what he thinks of as topping and what I think of as subbing in an ideal sense don't really mesh at all, so we're both stepping outside our desires a bit.
 
Hi MsEmotional,

It seems to me that in a power exchange, the Dom and sub should *both* enjoy what's happening; so, I would focus more on that, and less on which *one* of you will enjoy what's happening.

It's certainly possible that you and your boyfriend become incompatible when you try to switch roles; if so, you could certainly look for an additional partner to dominate you. But, realize that you will then have less time to spend with each partner overall. So, for example, Ponytail will probably have to make do with less time with you, and Glasses will probably have to make do with less time with you as well. You have to decide if a) that's worth it, and if b) you can make that work. It's always complicated when you add a partner to the mix. Now, that doesn't mean it can't be done; I don't mean to discourage you. Just mentioning a potential hurdle that will have to be dealt with. And maybe in that case, you'll want to try more to make the existing partners suffice. That part is up to you.

Just some thoughts, I hope that helps.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Perhaps he just doesn't have the ability to switch on a dime. As a Dom I imagine it would be much easier for me to switch and just let someone else take over than it would be for a predominantly submissive person to suddenly become dominant. I've met people who could switch between roles easily, but I think that is rare and comes with a lot of experience.

I don't consider myself a switch, but I have switched on occasion for the experience. Never with someone who is my sub though. I've only dated one person who identified as a switch, but she kept them separate as well.

Anyways, I think that is something you two need to work out. There are doms who teach their subs how to dominate them. If you are both up for that it could be fun. I understand the frustration of reality not meeting the fantasy in your head. It rarely does...unless you are the dom...lol.

One question though. Have you ever told him what you like when you are in sub mode? It may seem counter-intuitive to being submissive, but I think it's a good idea for a dom to know their sub's likes and dislikes. The times I've switched I usually ended up being bored.
 
vinsanity0 said:
One question though. Have you ever told him what you like when you are in sub mode? It may seem counter-intuitive to being submissive, but I think it's a good idea for a dom to know their sub's likes and dislikes. The times I've switched I usually ended up being bored.
Click to expand...

Yes, we've talked about it a few times. Not recently, so he might have forgotten.

I'm thinking maybe we should have a "scene" where he just plays with me however he wants and I focus not on being submissive but just on communicating what I like? He commented that he really appreciates it when a sub is more verbal about what they like/dislike, but I totally can't do that. It ruins the submissive mode for me to start worrying about communicating my own needs.

I don't know. I guess I just feel really undesirable and inadequate as a partner. Inexperienced too -- I can't remember how my husband and I figured out our dynamic, but after 10 years of being together it's hard to tell what he does because he wants to do something to me and what he does because he wants to because he knows it will get s reaction out of me.
 
Thanks to everyone for your replies. Spending time reflecting really helped. I shared a sub fantasy with Ponytail last night (via text) and if felt good to talk about what I like without the pressure of actually asking for it. I think that's mah e the best way to proceed -- sharing ideas at times when we aren't engaged in a scene. Maybe it will just be talk, maybe we will work some of it into practice, but at least I feel like I am expressing my sub side with him in a way that feels authentic to me.
 
If you have complementary styles (one dominant, one submissive), great. If you don't have complementary styles (both dominant, or both submissive), then you need to learn to give and take and switch in equal measure for the sexual relationship to be successful long-term.

Unless you are naturally flexible from the outset, you can definitely learn to be dominant or submissive if you really want to and if you have a good partner, just like you can learn to be bisexual if you really want to and have a good partner. You may even find that you prefer the change.

For example, my big sister was always very dominant with my husband before I married him. She enjoyed being in control of a young man. Then, my normally shy, soft-spoken (future) husband was dominant with me when he did me for the first time. I enjoyed being taken by an experienced man (even though we were the same age). He had to teach me to be dominant with him, which took time. But now, I'm comfortable with being dominant, and I have no preference; both dom and sub, top and bottom are fine with me.

Funny story:

After being a sub for years, my (future) husband found some new confidence/audacity after being dominant with me. One day, after he ate out my big sister, she was very happy and her defenses were down; so he pinned her down and gave it to her! Hard! I was there! It was funny to watch. She was surprised, and she resisted a little, but she eventually gave in.

Thus, Bossy Big Sister learned to be submissive. Bossy Big Sister learned that it was fun to be ravaged by a young man. Now she is equally dominant and submissive; we all are.

Moral of the story: don't limit yourself to set roles. Talk about it, joke about it, be patient and easygoing, and play around with new roles and fantasies. Sex is more fun and funny that way, especially when you fuck up comically. Learn and try again. Eventually, boredom will force you to switch, be flexible, and try new roles, fantasies, and positions. Don't limit your options, you have more than you think. ;)
 
Last edited:
JackieJ said:
If you have complementary styles (one dominant, one submissive), great. If you don't have complementary styles (both dominant, or both submissive), then you need to learn to give and take and switch in equal measure for the sexual relationship to be successful long-term.

Unless you are naturally flexible from the outset, you can definitely learn to be dominant or submissive if you really want to and if you have a good partner, just like you can learn to be bisexual if you really want to and have a good partner. You may even find that you prefer the change.

For example, my big sister was always very dominant with my husband before I married him. She enjoyed being in control of a young man. Then, my normally shy, soft-spoken (future) husband was dominant with me when he did me for the first time. I enjoyed being taken by an experienced man (even though we were the same age). He had to teach me to be dominant with him, which took time. But now, I'm comfortable with being dominant, and I have no preference; both dom and sub, top and bottom are fine with me.

Funny story:

After being a sub for years, my (future) husband found some new confidence/audacity after being dominant with me. One day, after he ate out my big sister, she was very happy and her defenses were down; so he pinned her down and gave it to her! Hard! I was there! It was funny to watch. She was surprised, and she resisted a little, but she eventually gave in.

Thus, Bossy Big Sister learned to be submissive. Bossy Big Sister learned that it was fun to be ravaged by a young man. Now she is equally dominant and submissive; we all are.

Moral of the story: don't limit yourself to set roles. Talk about it, joke about it, be patient and easygoing, and play around with new roles and fantasies. Sex is more fun and funny that way, especially when you fuck up comically. Learn and try again. Eventually, boredom will force you to switch, be flexible, and try new roles, fantasies, and positions. Don't limit your options, you have more than you think. ;)
Click to expand...

JackieJ,

You've spun a cute "Dear Penthouse" story, but I don't think anyone on this forum actually believes your "bio" is true. Please don't expect anyone to take your advice seriously.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top