Predator-Proofing Your Life

MightyMax said:
I just stick with people who make me feel good rather than bad.
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As I gather more experience in life, I find more and more that good relationships really are this simple. I used to have a much more complicated view on interacting with people and my relationships were all over the map. As I've pared it down to "Do I feel good when I'm with you?" my relationships are 95% good ones. (The remaining 5% being a few people in my family that, well, I'm still trying to figure out.)
 
I stumbled across this article last night, and it made me think of this thread:

http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2012/06/missing-stair.html

Thoughts?

It's definitely something that is very strongly on my mind, as we recover from living with Lora (as we speak, Jon is getting her stuff moved outside - her stuff is going into a storage unit - the full story is on my blog).

I think that, in terms of this article, I definitely think about intent (if there is clear intent) in predators. Someone who is a predator/abusive not because they enjoy hurting or manipulating people, but because they've been badly hurt (or simply don't know how to communicate/were raised in circumstances that gave them a poor understanding of boundaries) is someone who I may want to reach out to. Or at least, I wouldn't close the door entirely on them, especially if there were qualities about them that I really liked and if they liked me. But I would definitely want to hold them accountable for their bad behaviors and/or make it clear that those behaviors weren't going to happen around me if we were to be friends.

But like the article states, what do you do when everybody is just...stepping around a clear predator? I know, nobody wants to be wrong about someone - which I totally get. I don't want to be wrong about someone myself, in saying that they are a dangerous person to be around. OTOH, I really resonate with the idea that there are often predators and abusers who are able to move from person to person to person, abusing and hurting, because people were afraid to speak up (or just didn't want to get involved).

Such a sticky situation. It really sucks. :(
 
Yeah, I have an ex that is much more in line with the predator definition, and it's difficult to know how to manage it.

On the one hand, if I mention it to people he seems to be flirting with, I get to look like a bitter ex. There's also the fact that NRE is usually a really powerful force, so often someone in that place won't want to listen.

On the other hand, if I say nothing, then people might be getting hurt and may later be upset that I knew and didn't say anything.

I've opted not to approach his current new plaything, but if I am ever asked directly, I will answer her honestly. She's been around enough to know that he and I used to be involved, I think.
 
Hmmm, Pride and Prejudice deals with this issue and Jane Austen says you should make their character known generally.

Leetah
 
Vaguely on the thread of predator proofing,
If I see someone outside who is female and being abused in some manner, I ask her if she is alright. If it's a group of kids doing it to a girl, I very boldly step in and admonish the kids. It may not stop them from abusing the girl later, but by stepping in the girl believes she isn't invisible and has the right to speak up for herself.

It's not always safe to step in directly to confront the abuser, but by asking the woman how she is,...you aren't facing the abuser directly, you take the focus off the abuser, and also acknowledge that what they are doing is wrong. I tend to only do that in other public spaces where I know there's other social acknowledgement etc. I have done this before on tubes in London.

I am not so great at predator proofing my life, because I don't stand there and take it if they do...although this offensive and defensive is a heck of a lot better than being passive I have noticed. Some predators enjoy trying to go after people who don't put up with that stuff. I have learned that I as I get stronger in my sense of self, I have learned how to 'stare down a lot of opportunist predators. People who aren't nessecarily a dangerous or mean person, but culturally conditioned to think it's ok to cat call/harass/touch a woman without permission.

However, I get a lot less of that in my inner personal spheres and I generally only get it in public spaces now, such as cat calls, stalking, men petting or groping inappropriately...sometimes women doing this too, but a lot less often. I don't want to make this men vs women, I just generally don't put up with asshats regardless of gender. Lol.

How to do this as a highly sensitive person, well for me I have to do a lot of "self soothing" and recharging after any sort of events like that.

For example I might get a massage. Or, I have a stuffed animal that I have on my bed, that I curl up around and let all negative emotion out in if I am experiencing overwhelm. I take long baths, or naps, walks in nature by myself....anything that helps me decompress from the high emtions etc.
 
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Leetah said:
Hmmm, Pride and Prejudice deals with this issue and Jane Austen says you should make their character known generally.

Leetah
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If we lived in a fictional world, where most people stay in one area over time, and you can make there character known generally over time, then yes this would be applicable. But I doubt Jane Austen ever came across predators like Joseph Frankl, who duped people for over 20 years while raping and Imprisioning his own daughter, in a cellar below the house... while his own family lived above them. And even then, he had friends and family and l iced in the same area for many years "making his character known".

Or my own real life story of a girl who was killed by a Mormon bishop in one of the towns I grew up in. His character was widely known and no one suspected anything. This girl was only a few years older than me and went to the same high school.
http://unsolvedmysteries.wikia.com/wiki/Trisha_Autry

The place where they found her was three doors down from where I lived. I think I had nightmares for weeks. It was so tragic.
 
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MusicalRose said:
Yeah, I have an ex that is much more in line with the predator definition, and it's difficult to know how to manage it.

On the one hand, if I mention it to people he seems to be flirting with, I get to look like a bitter ex. There's also the fact that NRE is usually a really powerful force, so often someone in that place won't want to listen.

On the other hand, if I say nothing, then people might be getting hurt and may later be upset that I knew and didn't say anything.

I've opted not to approach his current new plaything, but if I am ever asked directly, I will answer her honestly. She's been around enough to know that he and I used to be involved, I think.
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This is a tricky one, I tried doing that too, but also, some people are just generally mismatched types, and what was dysfunctional between me and my ex husband may not be dysfunctional for someone else. It really depends on the people involved. I decided just to make myself prephirally available to any new women in exes life, if he does start treating them that way.
 
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