I am so sorry.
I think you could just stop participating like you wanted to.
When we first started, 3 years ago, she made it seem like her family knew about me, and that everything would be ok, that we’d all be a big family. Her family doesn’t know we are together.
So she lied to you about a pretty major thing. Doesn't sound like she apologized or plans to do anything to rectify that.
I’m hurt and she says she can’t hurt her parents by telling them, she should’ve been honest with me since day one and not fill me up with false hopes.
So instead she will hurt you. Yes. She could have been honest with you from the start.
It would have been different had she said "I can be out to some people, but not all people. Not my parents. I want kids. You'd have to pass for auntie of the kids. You up for that?"
And then you could have gone in prepared and joyous yes if you were up for that, or "Thanks, but no thanks" ok if you were not up for that.
Rather than taken along for a ride. Say one thing, actually do another. Now she got caught out in the lie. She's not fixing it. That tells you she does not prioritize you as immediate family. All talk, no show.
I’ve done so much financially and emotionally for them.
That what your choice, and in the past. You do not have to KEEP ON doing things financially and emotionally for them.
She assures me everything will be ok, but what is she expecting?
When she is not going to change anything about her behavior? HOW will it be ok? Mom is gonna move in not knowing you guys are a V, and you just have to lump it?
All her friends and some cousins know, even at her job except her parents so she says she doing the best she can and if her parents love me so much why cant i be ok with it.
She's acting out at you. Could just as easily go the other way.
"You can be out with your friends, cousins, even at your job. Why can't you be ok being out?
Now that your mom wants to move in, I find out you've been lying to me that you were already out to parents. You'v ebeen lying to mom about who I am to you.
So lying to both.
Why can't you be out to the mom? Or not have mom move in? And stop lying to me? Any other lies you had I need to know that will affect how *I* get to live? "
I told her I’ll just end up looking for a person for myself to have and be able to go home to given that it won’t be possible once her mom is around yet she says that if that is what I want she’ll support me but I won’t be part of the baby because I’m choosing to make another family for myself.
Well, it's not like she's including you in THIS family. Jeez. Bad enough to lie. Now she's gonna do emotional blackmail with an unborn child?
I'd say bow out now before you get attached more to the baby.
And she says she doesnt know if it’ll happen so what am I supposed to do?
You decide with present information:
- She lied to you about a pretty big thing.
- She isn't gonna tell her mom she is poly any time soon.
- She isn't telling her mom not to move in. She isn't asking you and hubby how you feel about adding another roomie.
Result: Her behavior affects/will affect how you get to live in your home and how close of family you REALLY get to be here.
You don't like it. You don't want to be the forever "auntie."
No place here for you like that. So no point in getting attached to the baby or continuing to give financially and emotionally to get a poor return on your investment. You are not gonna actually be family here.
Told her that if her mom moves in that will have to be the end for us because I’m not going to keep being the sister 24/7.
Yup. You have to state where you stand.
These few days have been so hard for me and she gets mad because I tell her how I’m feeling left out and how its hard yet she says she wants me in her life and the babies life, that she wants this with me in it.
That's nice. She can want things.
But her behavior of (lying to you and not having told the mom already) do not align with (her wants for you to stick around.) She's not planning on changing anything about her behavior.
So... you accept this is all you are gonna get here. You don't sound up for it. You wanted to break up. Keep on moving on out.
It's hard to FEEL, but the actions seem straight forward.
I tried breaking up twice yet she doesn’t want to let go.
Blue is your job that you control. Green is her job that she controls -- her emotional management.
YOU decide your level of participation. If you are done? Quietly find a flat to move into, make arrangements and be gone. Focus on your side of the job. Let her be responsible for her side.
She has made the choice to lie to you. She is now choosing not to correct it. She is choosing to pull on the heart strings to keep you here anyway. To me? That's emotional blackmail sounding. None of that seems respectful or loving behavior toward you.
She is free to choose, but not free from
consequences of her choices.
If she treats people like that? They aren't gonna like it. You don't. So get out.
When she offers you this meh sounding offer? You can say "no, thanks. Not like this. I don't feel valued. So I have to move on. " and then
move on. Let it be a natural consequence.
What does she expect? To treat people crap but they somehow still hang around
anyway ? Jeez.
I’m scared of what’s to come, especially adoring that little baby that is coming to then get drastically pushed away.
Then finish breaking up and leave
before you get attached to an infant that is not going to really be yours. Save yourself. Then you won't be pushed away and you don't have to adore a baby. You are not there.
It all sucks, and I'm truly sorry. Your GF is treating you very poorly.
I can imagine it must be a shock to realize this relationship was based on a lie.
Sometimes when it's all hard you have to pick your hard. And the "better hard" sounds like getting out sooner rather than later.
Galagirl
