Primaries and Secondaries

S

Sassywatch

New member
My partner and I have been together for eight years now and we have two young children together. He has a girlfriend and they have been together for just about a year. My partner and I are the primary relationship in this. We have young children so our relationship needs to take precedence. I asked the girlfriend and she said that he is her primary relationship. So can you be a primary with someone that you are a secondary with?
 
I don't have a primary and a secondary.

I have two husbands.

I own homes with both (two separate homes), vacation with both, celebrate holidays with both, share finances with both, own pets with both, I am planning retirement with both. I am there for both when they need me.

Butch doesn't get nor does he try to pull rank/couple privilege just because he has a little piece of paper from the government.

Yes you can have more than one "primary" relationship. How they define their relationship is between them. As long as she is keeping her nose out of your relationship with her boyfriend who cares what label she puts on HER relationship.
 
Be careful of getting twisted up in the semantics.

She may see him as her primary because she doesn't have any other relationships, or devotes the most time to her relationship with him.

What does your partner think of being referred to as his girlfriend's primary?
 
Of course. It just depends on what you mean by "primary." If it means one's most important relationship, yes it is possible that your most important relationship with a partner happens to be with somebody who has a different relationship that they deem most important.

I knew one such case: an older couple, the wife was in a nursing home. He and she were primaries. He had a lover, a lifestyle-friendly lady, for whom he was the most important partner. Thus, he was her primary, while she was his secondary, at least as long as his spouse lived. She also had others, who were her "secondaries" and such.
 
Sassywatch said:
My partner and I have been together for eight years now and we have two young children together. He has a girlfriend and they have been together for just about a year. My partner and I are the primary relationship in this. We have young children so our relationship needs to take precedence. I asked the girlfriend and she said that he is her primary relationship. So can you be a primary with someone that you are a secondary with?
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Short answer, yes.

Long answer, if you are happy with your partner, don't go out of your way to borrow trouble by supervising her relationship with him. It may be something as simple as him being her only relationship and thus there being nothing to be secondary to, it could be that she sees the relationship (maybe reciprocated, maybe not) as a core part of her life, just as you see yours. It could be something else. It doesn't change what you call your relationship, it doesn't appear to be causing any trouble, how does it matter?
 
Depends on how you are defining "primary" and "secondary" and if it isn't crystal clear to all involved, then that's a discussion you DEFINITELY need to have.


You don't have to practice hierarchy to ensure that you guys meet your responsibilities, you know. No need to rank or control to trust you will invest in your life and relationship together. This article helps explain the concept of hierarchy.

It's important to not just assume you are using those terms the same. Sometimes when people say primary they aren't referring to hierarchy and are just trying to describe how far along the relationship is or how entangled their lives are together. So it's descriptive instead of proscriptive, know what I mean?

Personally I'd like to keep the terms primary and secondary strictly for hierarchy and use terms like "nesting partner" for types of involvement.

Here's another article you might want to read before having that discussion
 
Ravenscroft said:
The husband really needs to be central here. I betcha if his "secondary" girlfriend were to find a "primary" lover, he'd get all sorts of bent-outta-shape at not being the One And Only for both women.
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Hehe, yeah, hierarchy is great when you're on top!
 
Hi Sassywatch,

Sometimes primary and secondary mean different things to different people so, what looks like secondary to one person, can look like primary to someone else. I think the important thing here is, are everyone's needs getting met. If they are, it probably doesn't matter what the relationships are called.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
This is how my relationship is currently. I'm his secondary while he's my primary, however all of our lives are pretty intertwined with one another and have transitioned into more of one big family. I spend a good chunk of time at their house to the point that if I'm staying there for a few days at a time I'll bring my cat with me. I'm "Auntie" to their kids and I'm able to co-parent them as far as I'm comfortable with. There are very large boundary lines that i still have to abide by that were set mostly by her but, overall, it's pretty smooth sailing for me.

I'm not trying to say that it's all rainbows and happiness all the time. There are times when boundaries are crossed on both sides and we will clash over certain ideas/insecurities but overall this works only because it's what we collectively want.
 
I am in a relationship like this. HE is my primary, we openly discussed it and I said that is what I want his role in my life to be. I have no other relationships, actually this is my first poly relationship. However I am HIS secondary, though we have never actually voiced that in those exact words, as he is married. This fits fine for us, that is not to say it would work for everyone.

We don't use this hierarchy label to say "well we are the most important couple" or that we hold all the power in the relationships, it is merely a way for me personally to process the position my partner has in my life, our way of saying that our relationship is a serious one.

I have no issues accepting I will never be his primary, sure I have had to work through my own emotions about that, like what if I ever wanted more, there's nowhere else to take our relationship to, if you understand what I mean. But at the end of the day we personally don't need there to be anything legal stating we are serious, we know we are... not sure i am explaining that very well!
 
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