Primary Partner Affecting Relationship

Q

qwertyuiop

New member
I'm currently dating a man who's in a poly marriage, so I'm the secondary. His wife is also dating someone so I'll try to break this down as best I can.

Normally we talk on the phone a few times a week (we don't live close enough to see each other in person very often) and that's usually enough for me to feel like I'm getting an adequate share of his attention. Over the last week and a half we've talked for maybe an hour total. His wife is going through a lot right now relating to mental health, without getting into specifics, and it results in very frequent outbursts and arguments between her and her partners. This isn't anything new but it's been especially bad lately.

When she's fighting with her other partner, our shared partner is (understandably) more focused on her than on me but her fights take a while to resolve so sometimes we go days without talking. When it's the other way around and she's fighting with our shared partner, he's often too upset to want to talk to me very much.

I guess what I want to know is if I'm overreacting or making a big deal out of something relatively minor. I haven't mentioned any of this to him because I don't want him to think I'm being insensitive about what she's going through, but I feel like it's really wearing on our relationship. I try to be understanding and not complain but I feel like I'm being pushed into the background and that my feelings are being disregarded. It's making me start to resent his wife for taking up all of his time and energy, which isn't something that I want. I like her well enough but it's exhausting to see the same things repeating themselves over and over. I just don't know what to do anymore.
 
Her issues are hers alone. If she is managing them poorly, that's on her.

If your friend is managing his responsibilities poorly -- such as neglecting you in order to manage the outfall from her -- then that is on him. Maybe he ought to focus upon what he feels necessary to focus upon.

If you are accepting neglect, then that is on you.

What are you doing to find someone who can make you less a secondary priority? There's no reason you need to settle for less-than-important. You certainly (being polyamorous & all) have no reason to rely entirely upon ONE relationship in which you are second-best.

If your metamour is truly fighting with her other partner, a possible result is that she finds herself with just one partner. And then where will YOU be?

If I've got something wrong here, please mention.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

I guess what I want to know is if I'm overreacting or making a big deal out of something relatively minor.
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I don't know if my opinion helps you any. FWIW?

I have a personal boundary. I have enough mental health problems on my plate. My Alzheimer dad sucks up a lot of time and energy. Mom and I deal with caregiver stress in our OWN mental health buckets. I don't have a lot of free time to spare, so I don't want to spend it with MORE mental health issues from even more people. That's not uplifting or refreshing for me.

So I don't want to get involved with any other people (even as friends) who have mental health issues that are unmanaged. If they are working their management plan and have a slip up? They apologize and get back on plan? Ok, I can forgive that. A slip can happen now and then. The point is that it is NOT the new normal. It is a slip here and there. they do their doc appointments, meds whatever their plan requires of them.

If the person is NOT working their management plan? Skipping doc appointments, meds, etc. It's like endless merry-go-round? Same old song, different day? That is NOT here and there slip ups. That is the new normal, and the new normal is a DRAG.

It doesn't matter if she's the one not doing her management plan or if the hinge is not managing his time well so he can attend to ALL his partners adequately. Whether the rock hits the jug or the jug hits the rock? The jug still gets it.

Whether it is her or him mismanaging some aspect? You are still the one getting shortchanged on time spent with partner.

If this is chronic? If this has become the "new normal" level of time you can expect to get?

You are the one who makes the call if this is still worthwhile to you or if you want to bow out.

You looking out for you, what you need in a relationship, what you need for self care, what you need to be mentally and emotionally healthy?

I don't think that's over-reacting or making a big deal out of something minor. You are the one who is responsible for your own well being. Your well being is not minor. I would imagine your continued well being is pretty darn important to you. Or at least I hope so.

I haven't mentioned any of this to him because I don't want him to think I'm being insensitive about what she's going through, but I feel like it's really wearing on our relationship. I try to be understanding and not complain but I feel like I'm being pushed into the background and that my feelings are being disregarded
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You are not speaking up. So speak up.

Tell him you don't want to be insensitive about what she's going through, but this is taking a toll on the (you+him) relationship. So.... what can you reasonably expect here? Or is it best to break it off because things have changed and he can no longer spend time with you like before?

Galagirl
 
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Hello qwertyuiop,

Whether intentionally or unintentionally, the man you're dating is neglecting you. It is wearing on your relationship with him, and that is not a minor problem. Tell him that you need more and/or longer phone calls from him. It's up to him to figure out how to make that happen. Not that it's not okay for his wife to get some extra time when she's struggling, but she can't just run wild and wreck everything she touches. Her husband needs to do a better job of balancing his relationships. It is okay to talk to him about this, you're not overreacting.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks for the advice everyone. I brought it up to him and we had a nice LONG talk about everything that's been going on. I think we both just needed to get back to us and what all we wanted out of our relationship to get on the same page again.
 
Sounds like you had a productive talk, that is good to hear.
 
Sounds like speaking up served you better than remaining silent.

You guys were able to talk things out and work something out.

Good to hear!

Galagirl
 
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