primalcupcakes
New member
Hello. I am a poly woman in an open, long-term relationship with a man (T) that lives in another state. We have been together for two years. Before I met him, T lived here full-time, but after his divorce he got a job in another state. He still owns a home here, and comes back fairly often. I moved into his house this fall. T is a college professor and travels back here every other weekend schedule permitting throughout the school year as well as summer and winter breaks. I visit him in his work state as much as possible but between his work and travel schedule we definitely don't get to spend as much time together as we would like. Additionally, when T is here, his three young kids are with us, which further affects the amount of quality, one-on-one time we get with each other. We are committed to forging a life together despite the chaos of maintaining separate households in different states, raising kids and our professional obligations.
We have been non-monogamous since we started dating. I came to polyamory from a punk rock anarchist perspective many years ago and have always been polyamorous with varying degrees of success. T does not identify as polyamorous but enjoys casual sexual friendships with a few women and enjoys swinging activities. He is brilliant and charismatic and handsome and has no problems attracting partners, but he does not connect emotionally with new people very easily, so his interactions are usually quite casual. I am not opposed to swinging but that isn't primarily what I'm looking for in relationships with other people: I like emotional intimacy with my partners as well as physical intimacy. I know that T would prefer if I was more into having friends with benefits and fun with other couples instead of seeking out secondary partners, but he accepts that I want and need different things than he does. Similarly, I would rather he had a steady secondary girlfriend than a string of fuck buddies, but I respect his sexuality and the way he expresses it.
A few months ago I started dating a wonderful man. He has been interested in polyamory for some time and was seeking a partner experienced with it. I met him on a conventional dating site. We have been riding the exciting wave of passion and discovery together. T was extremely busy with work and out of town for most of the last couple months, and in his absence I spent A LOT of time with my new boyfriend. Too much time. We fell in love with one another quickly. T is up-to-speed on the intensity of our feelings for each other but doesn't ask or want to know how much time C and I spend together when he is out of town. T is very good at compartmentalizing his feelings and emotions and simply prefers not to know. Fair enough.
T's work schedule has settled down somewhat and he is back to coming into town regularly. He is here all week this week for spring break. It's the first time he's been here for longer than a few days since I met C. T has been expressing some insecurities that I will leave him for C. T is spread very thin and often under extreme stress whereas C has lots of time to spend time with me and a much simpler life in general. T is not particularly re-assured when I tell him I am committed to him and want a life with him because he has been burned badly in love by his ex-wife and another woman after that. His attitude is just, "You're probably going to leave me for C eventually, even if you don't realize it yet." The truth is that although I adore C and our time together, T is my rock. I'm not going anywhere, even if my mind does wander to that possibility from time to time.
Tonight is my first overnight date with C when T is in town. T is experiencing stress and nervousness that is manifesting as moodiness and irritability. He is withdrawing from me as a defensive gesture. He feels certain I am going to leave him, despite my assurances that I am not. I am going out of my way to accommodate T's physical needs: Have dinner all ready for him and the boys to pop in the oven, Got the boys' school stuff ready for tomorrow so he won't have to scramble around in the morning, did his laundry, lots of sex and intimacy. I told him I would call him before bed to check in but he said that isn't necessary. And yet, knowing that T is probably going to be hanging out at home experiencing anxiety and stress about me being on a hot date with my smitten boyfriend is troubling to me: How can I relax and enjoy myself on my hot date knowing that my partner is upset? His pain is my pain. I haven't seen C in 9 days and we are both dying to see each other, but T's distress is like a storm cloud hanging over everything. Any advice?
Thank you!
We have been non-monogamous since we started dating. I came to polyamory from a punk rock anarchist perspective many years ago and have always been polyamorous with varying degrees of success. T does not identify as polyamorous but enjoys casual sexual friendships with a few women and enjoys swinging activities. He is brilliant and charismatic and handsome and has no problems attracting partners, but he does not connect emotionally with new people very easily, so his interactions are usually quite casual. I am not opposed to swinging but that isn't primarily what I'm looking for in relationships with other people: I like emotional intimacy with my partners as well as physical intimacy. I know that T would prefer if I was more into having friends with benefits and fun with other couples instead of seeking out secondary partners, but he accepts that I want and need different things than he does. Similarly, I would rather he had a steady secondary girlfriend than a string of fuck buddies, but I respect his sexuality and the way he expresses it.
A few months ago I started dating a wonderful man. He has been interested in polyamory for some time and was seeking a partner experienced with it. I met him on a conventional dating site. We have been riding the exciting wave of passion and discovery together. T was extremely busy with work and out of town for most of the last couple months, and in his absence I spent A LOT of time with my new boyfriend. Too much time. We fell in love with one another quickly. T is up-to-speed on the intensity of our feelings for each other but doesn't ask or want to know how much time C and I spend together when he is out of town. T is very good at compartmentalizing his feelings and emotions and simply prefers not to know. Fair enough.
T's work schedule has settled down somewhat and he is back to coming into town regularly. He is here all week this week for spring break. It's the first time he's been here for longer than a few days since I met C. T has been expressing some insecurities that I will leave him for C. T is spread very thin and often under extreme stress whereas C has lots of time to spend time with me and a much simpler life in general. T is not particularly re-assured when I tell him I am committed to him and want a life with him because he has been burned badly in love by his ex-wife and another woman after that. His attitude is just, "You're probably going to leave me for C eventually, even if you don't realize it yet." The truth is that although I adore C and our time together, T is my rock. I'm not going anywhere, even if my mind does wander to that possibility from time to time.
Tonight is my first overnight date with C when T is in town. T is experiencing stress and nervousness that is manifesting as moodiness and irritability. He is withdrawing from me as a defensive gesture. He feels certain I am going to leave him, despite my assurances that I am not. I am going out of my way to accommodate T's physical needs: Have dinner all ready for him and the boys to pop in the oven, Got the boys' school stuff ready for tomorrow so he won't have to scramble around in the morning, did his laundry, lots of sex and intimacy. I told him I would call him before bed to check in but he said that isn't necessary. And yet, knowing that T is probably going to be hanging out at home experiencing anxiety and stress about me being on a hot date with my smitten boyfriend is troubling to me: How can I relax and enjoy myself on my hot date knowing that my partner is upset? His pain is my pain. I haven't seen C in 9 days and we are both dying to see each other, but T's distress is like a storm cloud hanging over everything. Any advice?
Thank you!
