Primary/secondary mismatch!

[Gram_519]

I'm guessing. I could be totally wrong. But it sounds like this transition from "best friends" to "dating partners" has some challenges.

Isn't that usually the case, being new to Poly relationships I find this thread has been very informative on language within the partnerships, however I would still assume that the transition from friend, to more than friends is still a challenge for most?

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Isn't that usually the case, being new to Poly relationships I find this thread has been very informative on language within the partnerships, however I would still assume that the transition from friend, to more than friends is still a challenge for most?

Yes absolutely.

The Poly specific problems I often see come from couples who have rules around how integrated partners are allowed to be into family life.

Eg.

Ben and Sally decided that their other partners would not meet their children or visit the family home. They aren't out to friends or family, and they don't want to invite suspicion around the atypical terms of their relationship.

Ben found a partner through online dating with whom he could build a long term "secondary" relationship despite these restrictions. It works, but it would be perhaps easier and a little nicer if his partner could come to his home or attend some social events.

Sally falls in love with her best friend. A woman who has been an "auntie" to their kids and knows her parents. By being a friend, she has transgressed all of the boundaries they set for partners already.

How would they keep within their original agreed parameters at this point?

Ben might well feel that it's kind of unfair that Sally has found a loophole meaning that her partner can be present, just maybe staying in that friendly capacity. She can still be there at birthday parties and in pictures and making memories and that's a big thing.

But maybe Sally's girlfriend might have a problem at some point with having to remain closeted despite the evolution in her relationship with Sally. Other people don't have an issue with that. I think @kdt26417 has that situation where he is known as the platonic friend in his vee and it doesnt seem to be much of a gripe overall.

Sally could impose restrictions on her best friend now partner that were never in place before to even the balance. Now she can no longer come to the home. She cannot attend social events. But that's just going to be weird. It will draw more attention than it will deflect.

So as a friend of (other) poly people, or a member of a forum like this, you can see any member of a "someone tried poly with their BFF" story coming to seek advice because of the many complications that can arise.

 

[Gram_519]

Yes absolutely.

The Poly specific problems I often see come from couples who have rules around how integrated partners are allowed to be into family life.

Eg.

Ben and Sally decided that their other partners would not meet their children or visit the family home. They aren't out to friends or family, and they don't want to invite suspicion around the atypical terms of their relationship.

Ben found a partner through online dating with whom he could build a long term "secondary" relationship despite these restrictions. It works, but it would be perhaps easier and a little nicer if his partner could come to his home or attend some social events.

Sally falls in love with her best friend. A woman who has been an "auntie" to their kids and knows her parents. By being a friend, she has transgressed all of the boundaries they set for partners already.

How would they keep within their original agreed parameters at this point?

Ben might well feel that it's kind of unfair that Sally has found a loophole meaning that her partner can be present, just maybe staying in that friendly capacity. She can still be there at birthday parties and in pictures and making memories and that's a big thing.

But maybe Sally's girlfriend might have a problem at some point with having to remain closeted despite the evolution in her relationship with Sally. Other people don't have an issue with that. I think @kdt26417 has that situation where he is known as the platonic friend in his vee and it doesnt seem to be much of a gripe overall.

Sally could impose restrictions on her best friend now partner that were never in place before to even the balance. Now she can no longer come to the home. She cannot attend social events. But that's just going to be weird. It will draw more attention than it will deflect.

So as a friend of (other) poly people, or a member of a forum like this, you can see any member of a "someone tried poly with their BFF" story coming to seek advice because of the many complications that can arise.

Thank you I appreciate the completeness of your response...so much to learn and more importantly take a note of all scenarios to form a better conclusion.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello ChillyPan272,

It sounds like there is some confusion about whether Orange is primary or secondary. To you, it's a secondary relationship. To her, it's a primary relationship. That must be confusing indeed! How can she be both? Yet, somehow, here we are.

When you (and she) talk about the idea of fulfilling the role of a primary partner, does she want you to fulfill that role, or is she maintaining that you already do fulfill that role? If nothing needs to change, then maybe you don't have a problem. Also, I don't know if this matters, but there can be such a thing as more than one primary partner. So Red can be primary to you, and you can still have another primary. If you want that.

As to what would (or wouldn't) be ethical, my view is that anything is ethical that is done with mutual consent. Do you consent to this relationship with Orange? Does Blue consent to it?

I hope you can work things out.
Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[ChillyPan272]

Hello ChillyPan272,

It sounds like there is some confusion about whether Orange is primary or secondary. To you, it's a secondary relationship. To her, it's a primary relationship. That must be confusing indeed! How can she be both? Yet, somehow, here we are.

When you (and she) talk about the idea of fulfilling the role of a primary partner, does she want you to fulfill that role, or is she maintaining that you already do fulfill that role? If nothing needs to change, then maybe you don't have a problem. Also, I don't know if this matters, but there can be such a thing as more than one primary partner. So Red can be primary to you, and you can still have another primary. If you want that.

As to what would (or wouldn't) be ethical, my view is that anything is ethical that is done with mutual consent. Do you consent to this relationship with Orange? Does Blue consent to it?

I hope you can work things out.
Regards,
Kevin T.

Indeed, here we are!

Yes she is maintaining that I already fully fulfil the role of primary for her. So really it’s just me getting in my own head around language and terms.

Appreciate that I can have more than one primary though….. I will bear this in mind for the future as our relationship continues/develops, thanks!

Yes consent is very important to us and that is clear on all sides, so nothing unethical there.

Thanks for your reply, and to everyone else. This has been my first post and you’ve all been amazing and so supportive! Glad to have found you all after forging ahead on my own (of course with my hubby and other partners) over the years!

 

[bija]

I'm just after some advice, because I feel in a really awkward position. I am married to my primary partner (nesting partner also) and also now recently have gotten a secondary partner, who I am in a long-distance relationship with. For background, my secondary partner and I had been best friends for decades before we realised we were actually more than that and started an intimate relationship. However, where it gets tricky is that she is in a rocky relationship with her nesting partner, who I assumed was obviously her primary partner (they’ve lived together for years), and when I questioned the sanity of us being in a relationship while she is navigating that with him she turned around and said to her that I was her primary partner and would always be! Help!

If I understand you correctly (not sure) imo you need to clarify with the old friend turned 2nd partner the nature of your existing primary relationship and what you are and aren't available for with her. also i'd discuss what "primary" means to her and to you. i have the sense it could mean something different to her .. such as maybe you are the one more of a constant in her life. if she means it like she thinks you plan to leave your primary for her ... that's would be a whole other conversation and best of luck if so

 

[ChillyPan272]

If I understand you correctly (not sure) imo you need to clarify with the old friend turned 2nd partner the nature of your existing primary relationship and what you are and aren't available for with her. also i'd discuss what "primary" means to her and to you. i have the sense it could mean something different to her .. such as maybe you are the one more of a constant in her life. if she means it like she thinks you plan to leave your primary for her ... that's would be a whole other conversation and best of luck if so

Yes I have had that conversation and she does mean it in the way you’ve outlined, that I am the constant she wants to keep in her life regardless of whether her relationship with her nesting partner continues or not. She is under no illusions that I will not be leaving my primary and does not in any way expect that. They are both mutually fond and supportive of each other (just not in anything beyond a friendship way lol! He is completely mono! And she likewise is horrified by the suggestion of anything beyond a friendship with him!)

 

[kdt26417]

Hi ChillyPan272,

It sounds like your main problem here is wrapping your mind around the terminology, and making peace with Orange's way of perceiving things. I don't think you need to change anything in your physical circumstances, those seem to be fine just the way they are. Well, and Orange and Blue need to work things out between each other, but that's not really something you need to do anything about, that is for them to do.

Anyway I'm glad we have been of some help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.