Progress, yay, but transition pain persists

P

pwr2theladies

Member
Happy Tuesday y'all.

I reflect on the past 14 months from when my wife of 17 years and I began the process of opening up. She initiated and was very kind, compassionate and communicated well.

Every painful hurdle has brought us closer together. Being able to shed all armor and connect has been amazing.

Indivually I have done more during that time than I ever believed I was capable of. In the same calendar year, I overcame great hurdles in opening up, dropped 50 lbs, got into the best shape of my life, became more sociable and confident, got my certification, and started my freelance career online. Just wow!

But transitioning to non-monogamy has been and is hard, period. The limited data available shows it's just about the hardest thing to so for a long time monogamous couple. And I need to vent.

My wife has had sex with a new person again, the 3rd time this happened. He seems great. It hurts less each time. I go through it easier. This is something I want for myself, but my journey has been slower because I needed it to be. Put plainly and with venting--

WHY DOES TRANSFORMATION AND TRANSITIONING HAVE TO BE SO DAMN HARD?

I celebrated a little with my wife, but why can't I just be completely fine yet? I know I will get there, but I wish I was just at the point where it just rolls off me. I smile and say yay!

I am doing tons of work, but I wish I could just get there already. It's frustrating, to put it mildly.

There. I got it out of my system.
 
Last edited:
You're being brave!
 
Tinwen said:
You're being brave!
Click to expand...
Thanks I appreciate that. I was able to talk candidly with my wife. When things get hard, doubt creeps in and inget scared of what that could mean because ending the relationship is absolutely not what I want. That's some other people's go to when I speak about my difficulties.

She was great letting me know that I can speak plainly about anything. I just wish the process was not this difficult for me

I actually like that I finally connected with someone and have a date. No physical stuff yet.
 
Hi pwr2,

Glad to hear things are moving in a generally positive direction. It is normal to have some emotional reactions during the transition period. 14 months may not be long enough to get past that. Hang in there.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Off-topic question: How did you accomplish the weight loss? :)
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi pwr2,

Glad to hear things are moving in a generally positive direction. It is normal to have some emotional reactions during the transition period. 14 months may not be long enough to get past that. Hang in there.

Regards,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...
Yeah thanks Kevin. The fear of my wife leaving is low. I'm just upset that I'm not past this her having sex with others yet.

I was able to be fully candid with her. The fear that I'm battling now is "what if I can't handle it"

It's a conflict because I like what delving into poly has given me. I have not done anything physical yet, but I ve got an overnight date with a very cool woman I am definitely attracted to. I like that I can pursue that and have the feelings.

So what gives? Ugh. Thx for support though. It's what I need. I don't need people telling me to end the relationship. I don't want that
 
A good part of the way I deal with my gf and my bf (we have a V, not a triad) having sex with their other partners is to just draw a veil in my mind. Their sex is none of my business. Remember in old movies how when sex is about to happen, they would never show it? You'd just see a kiss and then the scene would change, a door would close, you'd join the characters the next day, etc. That's how I view it. It's something between the two of them that is not for me, and I won't and don't intrude on it, even in my mind. I guess it takes some discipline to do that at first, but over time it just becomes second nature.

It's like having envy that someone rich owns a great handbag I wish I would afford, or can go on a fabulous European vacation. I don't dwell on that either. I don't let myself feel jealousy or envy. It's really just a waste of time and energy. I take a detour from those thoughts. I focus on how I can take off for a day at the beach on the coast of my state, or how I can go to the thrift store and find a super cute bag. It's not a $3000 Chanel bag, but so what? My life is full and "rich" in other ways. Maybe when my gf goes to her bf's I'll just treat myself to some sushi, or go on a hike with a friend. Lovely!

Here's a big merged thread on jealousy and envy.

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.: Merged Threads, General Discussion

"Jealousy differs from envy in that jealousy is about something one has and is afraid of losing, while envy refers to something one does not have and either wants to acquire or to prevent another from acquiring." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jealousy Some people in my life lately are possibly...
polyamory.com
 
kdt26417 said:
No problem. Things should get easier over time.
Click to expand...
Thanks. I'm actually grateful all this happened. It showed some agreements that maybe are not seeing us as well and allows me to fine tune some boundaries. We have a lot of connection but maybe not enough autonomy and protection.

This is also the change that we as partners and individuals are actually living as poly now. Difference between theory and practice.

I am feeling much better. I also have more work to do
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top