Promise of More in NC

[Promise]

Hello, everyone! I'm Promise. I'm not new to polyamory but I am new to defining it and learning all of the terminology. My husband and I have practiced different forms of polyamory over the past 24 years. We've been married for 22 of those years and we have two kids. A daughter that's 10 and a 19 yr old son that's off in college! Both of our children know about our relationship choices on a basic level.

I'm 40 years old, f, and pansexual. My husband is 47 years old and heterosexual. We met on a blind date when I was in high school and we've been together ever since. Our poly story began when we were first dating. It started out as kissing and fooling around with close friends - mostly other couples that we double dated with. Over the years we tried the swingers scene but it just didn't work out for us. We figured out that we both prefer a relationship with our partners - even if it's friendship instead of romance or love.

For several years we had a relationship with two main couples but life, kids and distance got in the way. We're still close friends with them, but no longer physically involved. Before I met our recent girlfriend all of our connections were friendships. "Journey" was the first woman I ever fell in love with and the first person I ever had a romantic relationship with independently from my marriage to Hubby. We dated for several months and she got to know Hubby and the Kids before we committed to each other and started planing a life together. For about a year and a half, it was wonderful - then she started to pull away and began backing out of plans and making changes in our relationship without warning.

We tried to work things out, but recently that relationship ended and I'm devastated. My husband was dating her as well, but never got as close to her as I was. He's upset but mainly because of how hurt I am. I'm lucky to have him and a circle of friends who know the whole situation that are supporting me through the heartbreak. I've also been going to a poly friendly, sex positive therapist for the past 2 years. It's just not easy to talk about these things with someone who has never experienced it!

I'm here looking for a community that understands what this feels like but I'm also here to discover more about myself and hopefully find the inspiration to move forward and keep my heart open. I look forward to getting to know you all and learn more about the poly community!

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Promise,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Sorry to hear about your recent breakup, if there's any way I can help let me know, I'm sure you'll have to go through the stages of grief. It sounds like you have had quite a poly journey in your life, you have learned what works best for you, and have formed some valuable friendships along the way. I think you will find understanding people here, and you will find inspiration and learn more about the poly community. People will come to you for help too, we all help each other here! I'm glad you could join us.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[Magdlyn]

Hello, everyone! I'm Promise. I'm not new to polyamory but I am new to defining it and learning all of the terminology. My husband and I have practiced different forms of polyamory over the past 24 years. We've been married for 22 of those years and we have two kids. A daughter that's 10 and a 19 yr old son that's off in college! Both of our children know about our relationship choices on a basic level.

I'm 40 years old, f, and pansexual. My husband is 47 years old and heterosexual. We met on a blind date when I was in high school and we've been together ever since. Our poly story began when we were first dating. It started out as kissing and fooling around with close friends - mostly other couples that we double dated with. Over the years we tried the swingers scene but it just didn't work out for us. We figured out that we both prefer a relationship with our partners - even if it's friendship instead of romance or love.

For several years we had a relationship with two main couples, but life, kids and distance got in the way. We're still close friends with them, but no longer physically involved.

Before I met our recent girlfriend all of our connections were friendships. "Journey" was the first woman I ever fell in love with and the first person I ever had a romantic relationship with independently from my marriage to Hubby. We dated for several months and she got to know Hubby and the Kids before we committed to each other and started planing a life together.

For about a year and a half, it was wonderful - then she started to pull away, and began backing out of plans, and making changes in our relationship without warning.

We tried to work things out, but recently that relationship ended, and I'm devastated. My husband was dating her as well, but never got as close to her as I was. He's upset, but mainly because of how hurt I am. I'm lucky to have him and a circle of friends who know the whole situation, that are supporting me through the heartbreak. I've also been going to a poly friendly, sex positive therapist for the past 2 years. It's just not easy to talk about these things with someone who has never experienced it!

I'm here looking for a community that understands what this feels like, but I'm also here to discover more about myself, and hopefully find the inspiration to move forward and keep my heart open. I look forward to getting to know you all and learn more about the poly community!

Hi, welcome to the group. I'm sorry for your loss. Dating is hard!

It sounds like you're new to actual polyamory. Despite your friendships with benefits with those 2 couples, you and your h never had romantic love with anyone. However, you felt you loved Journey. You made "life long commitments" only a few months into your relationship with her.

When you're new to dating, relatively inexperienced, you may not know that the first 6-18 months of a new relationship, where there is strong attraction and that click, is generally enhanced by a hormonal soup designed by nature to increase pair bonding, which leads to frequent sex, which is the aim of nature to increase itself, ie: cause reproduction. It feels like love. We call it falling in love in society at large. However, in polyamory, we have coined a term, NRE, new relationship energy. It basically means infatuation.

When you're in NRE, you can kind of be out of your mind. Life seems more colorful, the new partner seems almost perfect, you feel like you'll love her forever.

However, it takes generally a year for NRE to wear off, for the rose colored glasses to be cleared, for some life challenges to happen, which enable you to support one another. Many, if not most, new relationships do not make it past this stage. It can be extremely disappointing and sad when it doesn't work out.

In nature's POV, it's OK for the relationship to end. If birth control isn't used, conception has already happened in MF pairs. Her goal was achieved.

If you read the book Sex at Dawn, they explain how early Stone Age humans were promiscuous. We'd generally have, on average, a dozen sex partners in our life time, often concurrently. The resulting offspring would be raised by the tribe and belong to it.

One more bit of info and then I will shut up! What you and your h did before Journey was kind of on the swinger side, couple-centric wife swapping. Now you've experienced a much more common shape, where one of a poly couple has their own OSO, who cares for one half of the couple, but isn't that interested in the other partner. Most poly couples date separately, and do not expect to find one partner they can both share. Generally (pretty much always), the new partner will not care equally for both members of a couple.

So, even though you both tried to date Journey in a triad, what actually happened was a V, where you were the hinge and the other 2 were the legs of the V. Journey and your h were metamours of each other. Friendly metamours who had sex sometimes, but not full on lovers.

I wish you luck if and when you're ready to each seek a new partner. Just be wary to keep expectations low, because this may well happen again.

Maybe some of this info will help your therapist. And mention the book Sex at Dawn, as well as the most popular book for couples going from monogamy to polyamory, Opening Up.

And again, welcome to the group!