Proper introduction

[Amitola]

I never properly introduced myself when I first signed up. I was dealing with drama in my life. Things have calmed down a bit for now.

First of all I am married to Ken, he is 65 and been together for 17 year married for 15 years. I am 35. I am currently in a LDR with my gf Angel. She and I have been together for 5 1/2 months.

I dont know if you'll call my relationship a true poly relationship. Since Angel and I are dating, but the husbands have no involvement. All four of us involved is new to this.

Both Ken and Angel's husband know about our relationship. We are allowed to meet once a month. It is one of the boundaries that Angel's husband put in place. I try and be as open with Ken as much as possible, but there are somethings between Angel and I that I can't discuss with him and it has caused a little distance in our marriage. I don't confide in him like I used to. I mainly talk to her, because she understands me better than Ken. She has gone through similar situations. She and I identify both as gay, even though we are both still married. It's a complicated situation we are both in.

NRE has definitely taken its toll in my life. I haven't made any major decisions due to this factor. Right now I am taking one day at a time. It is a constant struggle.

My feelings for her are growing stronger as the days go by and the more we meet. I have never had feelings for anyone like I do for her. She is a strong woman, her inner beauty matches the beauty on the outside. I have broken free of my chains, because she has made me feel alive. She has made strive to be a better person. I have finally accepted my true self, Gay self, since I've found her.

She makes me so very happy. She is my Angel.

Sorry if I went on a ramble. Thanks for reading.

 

[Shaya]

Hi Amitola. I remember you well. Thanks for the update. Glad that both of you are still well, and safe. I'm also glad that of the two husband's, your husband is more understanding.

There has been a suggestion from other more senior members in this forum to avoid using letters like K or S when refering to people. There's something weird with the brain where we associate people with names rather than letters and others have commented it can get hard to keep track of all the letters. You can edit your post up to 12 hours after you write it. Obviously, pick a fake name. The last time I made this suggestion, someone went and inserted real names into everything.

Regarding your question of whether what you have is poly, I'd say yes from your description in this thread. But overall, hard to clasify. Your girlfriend's husband has some worrying behaviour that I feel trumps the ethical rules of polyamory. We're a forum dedicated to honesty, integrity, mutual happiness and we advocate for sticking to boundaries. These are often difficult to stick to with NRE and multiple competing relationships. Your situation brings new factors into play that trump the usual rules and I have often wondered if your partner would benefit from a different support group.

If your girlfriend wishes to join the forums, I would wish her a hearty welcome and give very different advice to her. However, to you, I advise to just keep yourself safe, Amitola. Enjoy the new romance of your lover and your new sexual identity. I hope with time your husband will change his disposition so that you can share this with him as well. As a forum, we'll always be able to help with philosophical and practical aspects of polyamory, though some of our ideological arguments may not be as applicable to your situation.

I dont mean to sound all doom and gloom. Truly, welcome back. I look forward to hearing an update.

Kind regards,
Shaya.

 

[Amitola]

Shaya,

Thanks for welcoming me to the group.

I know in my last thread I was heading into a sticky situation. I did travel to go see Angel while her husband was out of town and was able to get her the help she needed. She is working on getting out of her current situation. In order for her to do everything safely it looks like the end of summer before the final move. She will live on her own for awhile so she can find her independence and find her true self.

A question I have is how much personal stuff do you share with your primary partner regarding the secondary partner. Ken wants to know everything Angel and I talk about but alot of what we talk about is private and don't feel comfortable talking to him about. This is the only thing he has a problem with in my secondary relationship.

 

[Shaya]

I'm glad for Angel. Nobody deserves to go through what you've described her going through. I'm sure she's grateful for you in helping her through this difficult time for her.

The question of how much to tell him about your GF may not have an easy answer, Amitola. You'd probably need Angel's consent. I really do understand your husband though, having been in his shoes not so long ago. I suspect his hunger to know what's happening even though you are reluctant to share more is two fold, stemming from his insecurity with his first poly experience and also insecurity in feeling you're not being completely honest with him about things he feels he has a right to know.

Not saying he necessarily has a right to know, but merely that he may be sensing that there is something he should know but doesn't. I may be making up irrelevant examples here, but I remember thinking in the past that your confession that you identified as gay rather than bi is something that he probably feels he has the right to know (again, not saying he necessarily does have such a right, merely that he might feel that way and want to talk about it). In this case, his loss of security might be well founded since such a revelation can threaten his relationship, especially more so if he feels you have cause to hide it.

In summary, I feel his desire to know more stems from insecurity (and I could well be wrong, but that's just my gut instinct). If it is insecurity, it seems to me that it could stem from 'reasonable' and 'unreasonable' causes. 'Reasonable' causes would be real things that threaten his relationship with you, like the powerful NRE you are experiencing as displayed on your previous thread, or what you described as a change in your sexual identity. 'Unreasonable' jealousy is not a term I like, but would stem from causes (perhaps imaginary causes) that don't threaten his relationship with you.

My suggestion for both cases is to reaffirm the love you feel for him. If your love for him seems to pale in comparison for what you feel for your GF, I suggest a poly friendly couples counsellor to go through the concept of stages of love, or equivalently, to describe the difference between "falling in love" (NRE) and "growing in love". Reaffirming your love for him will help with his security. Instead of divulging more details about your partner than needed, understand that his need to know may be a grasp for security. I recommend addressing the underlying insecurity with affirmations of love and honesty. Nothing kills security like a lie or broken boundaries. I would suggest continuing to give him the security you promised him in good faith when he first agreed to explore polyamory with you.

Hope some of this helps,
Shaya.

 

[vinsanity0]

You only need to share what you and Angel are comfortable sharing.

Some people paint a picture of poly as one big happy family gathered around the kitchen table. It doesn't have to be like that. My primary and I never knew our metas. When it came to talking about our other relationships we respected each other's privacy. We were secure enough to know the other wasn't hiding anything.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Amitola,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I remember your story, I'm glad things are somewhat better although it sounds like you're still dealing with some problems. If Ken wants to know something about Angel that Angel would like to keep private, just say as much to him, and leave it at that. And maybe there are things that you yourself don't want to share with Ken, which is kind of a different problem but I guess you just say, "I'm sorry honey, I'd rather not talk about that."

I hope Polyamory.com has been helpful so far, and I hope it continues to help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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