Putting the pieces together, finding my 'model' and myself

[SilverSprings]

Hi, all. I wanted to start fresh here, as I think I have had a breakthrough. I think I am really falling for Anna (the new lady in my life of 1 month). Frank (my BF of 1 yr) sees this. It seems he is trying to understand now.

To recap without going too into things: After (with BF's permission) she and I met 2 times, I sort of snuck off to see her again just a day after we slept together. It was not full-blown secrecy, as I did tell him right afterwards. I just don't know what got into me. We're working on that breach of trust.

Frank has requested we put this on hold. He says once trust is back, we can revisit maybe me seeing Anna again (with boundaries and such in place). But I live alone, still text with her, and really struggle with being told what to do. She brought up wanting to know if Frank was OK with the two of us texting and seeing each other again. It feels kind of like asking my dad for permission.

Anyhow, a couple of questions:

- I'm letting Frank sit with this and go through some motions of denial. Since for a year it was just him & me. (As for matters of the heart, I had other lovers that he was OK with, but this caught me off guard. This girl has sort of swept me off my feet. I think he sees that, or feels it, as he confessed he is afraid to lose me. Which I get, and am trying to reassure him). It has opened some good lines of communication, but also some hurtful things have been said in the heat of the moment. Frank can be hard to approach/talk to, despite us having amazing chemistry and that we do love each other, and are growing still as a newish couple. But how long is too long? It has been just over a week since the 'incident'. But it is killing me not to see her.

- I have reached out to him to see if he is ok with Anna and me texting. Is this giving him too much power, or is communication always a good thing? And, on this subject, where do I draw the boundaries as far as what I tell each party about one another and what is going on? Do I have to be fully open to each about what the other is up to ? Or are some things best kept private? Because I see Frank sort of using some things I tell him about Anna against me being with her. Inside I'm screaming "It's none of your business!" but the truth is, it is his business, because we are a couple. She is totally in the loop too, and I am trying to avoid talking "bad" about either of them, behind their backs to the other, as I am not that way, and some things are best kept to myself. They are both such great, amazing people! My chemistry with both is different but so strong! If I could figure out how to balance this with them both, I would be the happiest girl! ...sigh...

- He realizes my desires and needs. He is also so scared, so any links or help on jealousy stuff or tips on how I can reassure him? I love him ~ I don't want my RL with him to end. Both parties are aware of his being my "primary," but I am feeling like maybe things are so intense with Anna, which scares the hell out of me. Can I fall in love with a secondary and still manage to keep my primary happy? One of my close friends who I was talking to recently said Frank needs to be careful because she can see he is "squeezing" me. She knows that I am a free spirit, and I don't do well with controlling/possessive partners. I got out of a 14 year RL (7 yrs of marriage) for a reason. I want to enjoy this chapter in my life. But I think he really might just have fears that need soothing...

- He was OK with something physical, FWB, etc., but I have emotions for Anna, already, after 1 month! I have come to terms w/ this spending finally some quiet time alone. I have been resisting that I could already feel strongly for someone after just a few weeks, but here I am. The girl is amazing and she told me she never felt the way she does with me, and since meeting each other we both seem to feel like this mutual light/happy/amazing feeling. That is all so good and why I am trying hard to keep her a part of my life, without totally screwing up what I built with Frank so far. That is a difficult thing, for sure.

- Lastly, I am scared to really love a woman, in the relationship sense. While I think a GF would be awesome, for me, I don't see myself easily living with or even committing 100% just to a woman. I don't know if I would want that. Plus my family is very conservative, and only know of my BF. Some friends and siblings know I am bisexual, but think maybe it was a phase after my divorce. I dont think I could even come out fully to my parents, which really sucks. Any tips on this or reading materials? I am going to talk to my therapist too on that.

 

[Magdlyn]

It sounds like you are surprised that you can love more than two. You love your bf. You have feelings for Anna that could be love. It's definitely infatuation, new relationship energy. That rush of emotions and hormones can be hard to manage, and hard for a partner to take, especially since Frank is new to poly theory/practice. And so are you! You've been polysexual in the past, but thought you couldn't love a woman. Turns out you can. So, you're trying to understand this newly-found capacity of yours, and Frank is there, trying to learn this about you as you learn it, and he also feels threatened by it.

Here's a link about jealousy.

http://www.morethantwo.com/jealousytheory.html

There is more good info on that site, as well.

No, you do not "need" to be fully open about every time you message Anna and what you talk about. She has a right to her privacy in her relationship with you. Lots of poly people only tell their other partners the smallest amount about the other partner. I find I like to know if my one of my partners talked to another interest that day, but I do not need to know every single topic they discussed. But this is something you all have to come to an agreement on. Anna's feelings on the topic need to be respected just as much as Frank's. Just because she is new and you are thinking of her as a secondary (so far) does not mean her feelings, desires, etc., are not as important as Frank's.

I am sorry he seems to be too controlling or possessive for a free spirit like yourself. I hope he can relax and feel more comfortable with this new aspect of your personality over time. I see it's hard for you to make space for him to understand where he stands in this, while you are all twitterpated over Anna and wanting to spend more time with her ASAP. What are you doing to reassure him? Are you giving him any quality time? When a poly person is in NRE, they can sometimes neglect established partners. You have to learn to compartmentalize. When you're with Frank, be there 100% (or as close to 100% as possible, one's mind does wander). Spend time discussing poly theory and practice, but also spend time just enjoying each other, sex, cuddling, dates.

 

[london]

No, you do not "need" to be fully open about every time you message Anna and what you talk about. She has a right to her privacy in her relationship with you. Lots of poly people only tell their other partners the smallest amount about the other partner. I find I like to know if my one of my partners talked to another interest that day, but I do not need to know every single topic they discussed. But this is something you all have to come to an agreement on. Anna's feelings on the topic need to be respected just as much as Frank's. Just because she is new and you are thinking of her as a secondary (so far) does not mean her feelings, desires, etc are not as important as Frank's.

I am sorry he seems to be too controlling or possessive for a free spirit like yourself.

Truth.

 

[PolyinPractice]

Probably not

HI all, wanted to start fresh here, as I think i have had a breakthrough - i think i am really falling for Anna (new lady in my life of 1 month). Frank (my BF of 1 yr) sees this and it seems is trying to understand now. To recap without going too into things: After (with his permission) her and I met 2 times, I sort of snuck off to see her again just a day after we slept together (it was not full blown secrecy, as I did tell him right after and just dont know what got into me, but were working on that breach of trust). Frank has requested we put this on hold. He says once trust is back, we can revisit maybe me seeing Anna again (with boundaries and such in place). But I live alone, still text with her, and really struggle with being told "what" to do. She brought up wanting to know if Frank was OK with her and I texting and seeing e/o again. Feels kind of like asking my Dad for permission :/ anyhow, couple of questions:

-Im letting Frank sit with this and go through some motions of denial. Since for a year it was just him & I (as for matters of the heart, I had other lovers that he was OK with- but this caught me offguard, this girl has sort of swept me off my feet,..i think he sees that. or feels it as he confessed he is afraid to lose me.. which I get and am trying to reassure him). It has opened some good lines of communication, but also some hurtful things have been said in the heat of the moment. Frank can be hard to approach/talk to.Despite us having amazing chemistry and that we do love e/o.. and are growing still as a newish couple. But how long is too long? It has been just over a week since the 'incident'. But it is killing me not to see her

- I have reached out to him to see if he is ok with Anna and I texting. Is this giving him too much power? or is communication always good thing? And, on this subject- where do I draw the boundaries as far as what I tell each party about one another and what is going on? Do i have to be fully open to each about what the other is up to ? Or are some things best kept private? B/c i see Frank sort of using some things I tell him about Anna against me being with her. But inside im screaming "its none of your business!" but the truth is, that it is his business b/c we are a couple. She is totally in the loop too- and i am trying to avoid talking "bad" about either of them, behind their backs to the other, as I am not that way, and some things are best kept to myself. They are both such great, amazing people! My chemistry with both is different but so strong! If I could figure out how to balance this with them both, I would be the happiest girl!....sigh

- He realizes my desires and needs. He is also so scared so any links or help on jealously stuff or tips on how I can reassure him. I love him ~ I dont want my RL with him to end. Both parties are aware of this being my "primary" but I am feeling like maybe things are so intense w/ Anna, which scares the hell out of me. Can I fall in love with a secondary? And still manage to keep my primary happy? One of my close friends who I was talking to recently said Frank needs to be careful b/c she can see he is "squeezing" me. She knows that I am a free spirit, and i dont do well with controlling/possessive partners. I got out of a 14 year RL (7 yr of marriage) for a reason. I want to enjoy this chapter in my life. But i think he really might just have fears that need soothing...

- He was OK w/ something physical FWB/etc, but I have emotions for Anna. Already! after 1 month. I have come to terms w/ this spending finally some quiet time alone. I have been resisting that I could already feel strongly for someone after just a few weeks,.... but here I am. The girl is amazing and she told me she never felt the way she does with me, and since meeting eachother we both seem to feel like this mutual light/happy/amazing feeling. That is all so good and why i am trying hard to keep her a part of my life, without totally screwing up what I built with Frank so far. That is a difficult thing for sure.

- Lastly, I am scared to really love a woman. In the relationship sense. While I think a GF would be awesome- for me, I dont see myself easily living with or even comitting 100% just to a woman. I dont know if I would want that, plus My family is very conservative, and only know of my BF. Some friends and siblings know I am bisexual, but think maybe it was a phase after my divorce. I dont think I could even come out fully to my parents. Which really sucks. Any tips on this or reading materials? I am going to talk to my therapist too on that.

This probably isn't what you want to hear, but:

1) So long as you talk about "Anna" as if she is some kind of object, I'd say you need to do some thinking. Talking about revisiting Anna when you feel like dating her or not? Ever consider she might not like being used at your and his convenience?

2) You say you're falling, but it's only been a month, and you aren't even sure if you can actually commit to a relationship with a woman. I'd either be very clear with her that you think this is just a fling, or perhaps just take a break, althogether, until you figure out how you really feel about being with a woman.

As someone bisexual, it's very hurtful to feel like someone is just experimenting with me, and honestly, you sound like you and Frank are doing just that-- experimenting to see how you "feel" about being poly and bi.

 

[SilverSprings]

Magdlyn, thank you. I have had light relationships with women, and one girl who I did "love," in a way. We still talk to this day. It was an amazing experience. But I was with my former husband then, and didn't know I would still crave another in my life after my BF and I met. However, that experience opened my eyes wide that I like both sexes. Thanks for your compassionate answer. I really appreciate it. I need to also be kind and focus on soothing myself lately and things have been so intense and weird. Will definitely check the link. Ty.

PolyinPractice, I don't know why, but for some reason I convey this weird vibe here that I am experimenting with this girl, or look at girls as an object, even though I am one... so odd. I assure you, that is far from the truth. I value women and, if anything, put them on a even higher pedestal naturally. My goal here is to have balance in my life. She knows what I am going through, and where we stand. I am not giving her false expectations. We just like each other a lot. I don't want her to get hurt, she doesn't like that I am hurting a bit. But, I know in my heart how I feel, even if it is not conveyed perfectly here as I vent out my feelings. As a very sensitive girl, I adhere to the "golden rule" as often as I can. Thank you though, for calling me on coming across this way, as it's certainly insightful. Frank is my boyfriend of 1 year, we don't live together and are not married. I see with poly there are risks and rewards along the way, otherwise I wouldn't be doing this if I was totally naive. It's the experience, and allowing depth, not just a fleeting moment or one-night stand, that I am realizing fulfills me.

 

[SilverSprings]

Soooo, I confessed to Frank that I am looking for something on the emotional side with Anna. It was an email, which I thought was very sensitive and gentle. Fast forward a few awkward hours, he called me. I knew he was upset via a text and weird silence. He proceeded to vent and kind of assume lots of things, like how this isn't really smart, it's risky, I don't have experience in this, I am jeopardizing our future.

I have no idea how to manage conflict in this. He really questions how I am handling this. It worries him a lot how I will handle things in general in the future that I want. Perhaps just an angry vent, but it went on and so on. Most of the time I was quiet and tried my best to empathize, but it was hard, since yes, he was making points, but it felt like a firing squad was pointed at my head.

I broke down in tears finally, exploding, "Well then, if I suck so much at all of this, why are you even with me? If you are questioning so much, why stay with me?" which sort of jerked him back to reality. (I know it was silly, but I couldn't help it.) In the end, he basically said there was nothing in it for him, and it was very selfish of me, but that he was going to give it a try, since he has no other choice.

I am interpreting all of this, since I know him very well, and believe well that it was his insecure reaction to me wanting to share my heart.

I told him how much I loved him. We ended up breaking the madness up with some laughs and finally things were OK. I told him several times, how he's not ready, therefore "we" are not ready. But then he said, "No, I just needed to be heard/vent," and he was sorry for the tantrum. We sort of made up and he just wanted to see me again after that. He said the next step should be making the boundaries so I can see Anna again... and that we would "prevail" and he felt better and thanked me for letting him vent.

Ok... so exactly what do I think of all that? I am trying hard not to be selfish and consider him. I let the cat out of the bag, and my plan is to just spend some quality time with him, and drop the topic for a bit, until he comes around.

Anna is somewhat in the loop as to what is happening, and feels bad, but at the same time, it's really my monkey that I am dealing with, so she is respecting me and letting me handle this. (I don't tell her everything, but had to a little, to understand why we can't see each other yet.)

Seems to me he is just coming to terms with this all. Later I told him to please help me understand how I can better handle communications with him. I guess face to face might have been better then email. IDK.

I'm still rolling along with this. And there might be a little pressure, since Anna is there waiting in the shadows for me. But my primary relationship needs to be dealt with before I proceed. I am being as cautious and 'nice' as I can to all, but if this keeps on at this level of exhaustion and frustration once the boundaries are in place, I don't think I will be able to keep up with it.

Gosh, it's interesting how entering the poly world really does pull out the best and worst in people, which kind of forces us to work on ourselves in such a huge way!!

Grrr... I hate this, but I also feel like there is some kind of resolution around the corner. It's always darkest before the dawn, eh?

 

[Dagferi]

Piece of advice-- never have important conversations via email or text. It is far too easy for the other person to misunderstand or twist the meaning your words.

 

[FullofLove1052]

The conversation should have been face to face. You two have a long way to go. I mean this in the nicest way, but you two need to get your shit together before you drag others like Anna into your dysfunction. Opening a relationship is not an overnight process. The first several months or year(s) are not perfect by any stretch. You guys are dealing with a lack of trust from your breach, and you need to work on that. If you think it is bad now, try having a relationship with little to no trust. I have been there. I am still earning my husband's trust back.

This is what happens when people are not adequately prepared or rush. Innocent people get hurt or tossed around like rag dolls. They also run the risk of ruining what once was a happy relationship. I am sure others have had good advice. I rarely dish out advice unless I have been in the situation. I hope it works out for you.

Ry

 

[SilverSprings]

Dagferi, I know. I should have known better... a habit I am trying to break, as I have done that in the past, too. Thank you for the reminder, though.

FullofLove, yes, I agree. I know we need to get our shit together. The thing is, Frank will not tell me what to do. I suppose he seems to want me to end it (on my terms) with Anna, but will not tell me to, since he fears I will forever resent him. Perhaps I do need to end with her, but somehow keep in touch for maybe down the road. Maybe this is a case where turning things more towards friends really is the right thing to do. Idk.... it's pulling on my heart so much, ending things with her. She brings me so much joy. Am I being childish here?

 

[Dagferi]

Be respectful but never give people the supreme power over your life.

 

[FullofLove1052]

I confessed to Frank that I am looking for something on the emotional side with Anna.

And he did not take it well. It sounds like you are developing feelings for Anna, and if you want to explore them, you should. I know you want him to be happy, but it sounds like she makes you happy. I would think he would want you to be happy. Maybe not.

It was an email, which I thought was very sensitive and gentle. Fast forward a few awkward hours, he called me. I knew he was upset via a text and weird silence.

I already commented on this.

He proceeded to vent and kind of assume lots of things, such as how this isn't really smart, it's risky.

How is it risky? Is he afraid you are going to ride off into the sunset with Anna and leave him behind? If so, he is missing a big part of poly. Yes, there are people who leave, but most people stick with the people they love while loving others.

I don't have experience with this.

And we all came out of our mothers' wombs knowing how to be polyamorists or polyamorous? Umm, I think not. For most, trial and error was likely part of it, until they found a formula or formulas that worked. Even the most seasoned people still have room to learn and improve.

I am jeopardizing our future.

He sounds insecure. Or is that the lack of trust speaking? Trusting that you will not forget him, or just leave him, in one of those "the grass is greener" scenarios.

I have no idea how to manage conflict in this.

That is what experience provides-- conflict resolution and being adequately prepared should something like this happen again.

He really questions how I am handling this. It worries him a lot about how I will handle things in general, in the future that I want.

Trust issues again? This just recently happened, correct? Like in a week's time? Does he not realise the dust has not settled and an immediate resolution is unrealistic?

Perhaps just an angry vent, but it went on and so on. Most of the time I was quiet and tried my best to empathize, but it was hard, since yes, he was making points, but it felt like a firing squad was pointed at my head.

I hope this chap has some redeeming qualities. Even if was miscommunication, or simply that he misread the vibe in your email, the vent was unnecessary. He could have talked to you in a calm manner, not made you start crying.

I broke down in tears finally, exploding, "Well then, if I suck so much at all of this, why are you even with me? If you are questioning so much, why stay with me?"

I can understand why.

Which sort of jerked him back to reality. (I know it was silly, but I couldn't help it.) In the end, he basically said there was nothing in it for him and it was very selfish of me.

I have had those thoughts. "It was selfish of me. There was no benefit for him." I have been there. There is nothing in it for him. Do you feel selfish for wanting or needing more?

But that he was going to give it a try since he has no other choice.

He has a choice, though. He is free to leave and try to find a woman who can be monoamorous and/or polysexual, while keeping him as primary and the only one she loves.

I am interpreting all of this since I know him very well, and believe that it was his insecure reaction to me wanting to share my heart.

He cannot share or monopolise what does not belong to him. You are in control of whom you share your time, heart, and body with. You belong to yourself, and in those possessions, your heart is included.

I told him how much I loved him... We ended up breaking the madness up with some laughs and finally things were OK.

At least there was a bright spot.

I told him several times how he's not ready, therefore "we" are not ready.

Are you sure you are ready? Clearly he is not. But are you?

But then he said, "No, I just need to be heard/vent," and he was sorry for the tantrum.

Tantrums are not a good look. I do not accept it from my children, and I know I would not accept one from an adult. It is good that he apologised. He could have been heard if he had just talked to you.

We sort of made up, and he just wanted to see me again after that. He said the next step should be making the boundaries so I can see Anna again, and that we would "prevail," and he felt better and thanked me for letting him vent.

What kind of boundaries is he thinking about? Some people go a little crazy and dictate down to how many hours per day you are allowed to see X person. You can have your own boundaries. I would advise trying to find a happy medium. I would include Anna, because she is her own person and has a voice, wants, and needs of her own that might look very different from what either of you have in mind. Things might never be "equal," but they can be fair and considerate towards all parties and their respective needs. It is possible to have more than one primary, too.

 

[SilverSprings]

I figured out the quote feature, sort of. My answers are below. Thank you so much for the time you took to answer and break it down like this, very helpful.

And he did not take it well. It sounds like you are developing feelings for Anna, and if you want to explore them, you should. I know you want him to be happy, but it sounds like she makes YOU happy. I would think he would want you to be happy. Maybe not.

She does make me very happy. He does, as well. As my therapist agrees, I should do what makes me happy. Feels odd though, coming out of a long marriage of unhappiness- so this is a perfect time for this to be coming up, as i am transforming.

How is it risky? Is he afraid you are going to ride off into the sunset with Anna and leave him behind? If so, he is missing a big part of poly. Yes, there are people who leave, but most people stick with the people they love while loving others.

Yes, he has told me is afraid to lose me, and has a sensitivity due to an exgf/prior awful heartbreak that left him bitter and untrusting. Much of this is coming up now, but since day 1, he and I were more so physical in our relationship. It became emotional many months in. I think he is wondering why, now that I am emotional with her, does she seek an outside love/partner too? This is how he sees, and I honestly can't explain the timing. Perhaps it's just coincidence. Or maybe I felt more secure when he told me he loved me that I coulc look for a female partner.

And we all came out of mothers' wombs knowing how to be polyamorists or polyamorous? Umm I think not. For most, trial and error was likely part of it until they found a formula or formulas that worked. Even the most seasoned people still have room to learn and improve.

Exactly my thoughts, as well! I was steamed over this. But I know that I am a smart and open-minded cookie (hence why I am here to learn from you all). My life has been one big learning experience. I am always open to improving myself and relationships. I think he was really overreacting. He does this a lot.

He sounds insecure, or is that the lack of trust speaking? Trusting that you will not forget him or just leave him in one of those "the grass is greener" scenarios?

Yes, lack of trust. He says he doesn't like the timing, and that since it is obviously not going away, we need to talk boundaries etc. (which I was pushing for). But idk... it's difficult with him. I am not sure he is the kind to be in an OR. That is the sticking point and has made me really wonder. The best I can do is reassure him and stick to my word moving forward.

That is what experience provides. Conflict resolution and being adequately prepared should something like this happen again.

I agree. He seems to think poly stuff is bad news, way in the minority and weird (my vibe, plus what he has said). It's kind of insulting to me b/c I am exploring this. Perhaps he is trying to sway me, but I'm a big girl, not too swayable once I make up my mind...

Trust issues again? This just recently happened, correct? Like in a week's time? Does he not realise the dust has not settled and an immediate resolution is unrealistic?

Yes, he is putting it on me that I am rushing things, and have only giving one week's time to soothe things, and that he "might even be fine with all of this, but the timing is so bad," kind of thing. He is someone who kind of says things and then later, realizes he fucked up and apologizes. (I can be that way too...) Doesn't make it OK, but better then with my ex-h, who never apologized nor thought he was in the wrong.

I hope this chap has some redeeming qualities. Even if was a miscommunication, or simply that he misread the vibe in your email, the vent was unnecessary. He could have talked to you in a calm manner, not made you start crying.

Sure he does. I wouldn't be here if not. I think this kind of thing brought out the worst in him. Lately he has been wanting me around a lot, spending time together. He is smart, has A great job. He's gorgeous as hell. (I'm very visual.) We have amazing chemistry together. He has a big heart. I'm just not sure how open it is. He does get easily stirred up, and for as harsh as he can be, he can be just as sweet and cute. It's complicated, for sure, but perhaps that's why i like him.

I have had those thoughts. "It was selfish of me. There was no benefit for him." I have been there. There is nothing in it for him. Do you feel selfish for wanting or needing more?

Thanks for relating. Yes, I do feel a little selfish, but realizing I am doing something right, and that makes me happy, is a good thing for me. I think he will acclimate to it all. I am just balancing my needs with the 2 others in my life atm.

He has a choice, though. He is free to leave and try to find a woman who can be monoamorous and/or polysexual, while keeping him as primary and the only one she loves.

Exactly.

He cannot share or monopolise what does not belong to him. You are in control of who you share your time, heart, and body with. You belong to yourself, and in those possessions, your heart is included.

Thank you

Are you sure are ready? Clearly he is not, but are you?

Tough call. how does one ever know? i already was with the girl, and enjoyed some of the best and most fun times ever with a female in that way, and its just beginning. We seem to be drawn together like magnets. She completely interests me in all ways. She seems to "get" me, and I feel so much happier since she came along. My strong desire is to have them both love and accept the situation. She is so easy going, completely the opposite of him, and I am somewhere in the middle ground. I think I am ready, or at least I want to be. Aside from me taking his trust for granted (and then him making a mountain of a deal of it), I just wanted to see her again, and now I can't, and it sucks. I am going to spend some time w/ him soon, so I'm hoping we break new ground.

Tantrums are not a good look. I do not accept it from my children, and I know I would not accept one from an adult. It is good that he apologised. He could have been heard if he had just talked to you.

I don't either. hated my ex for his tantrums. I still am haunted by them. I'm not sure what to do to calm his fears and explosiveness, but at least 9:10 we are very even-keeled and mellow when we talk. I really just pushed him with so many emails and changing my mind around this past days/weeks. I might have flipped too, honestly. Not that it excuses it. I might include that in a future conversation, that I don't accept that kind of thing.


What kind of boundaries is he thinking about? Some people go a little crazy and dictate down to how many hours per day you are allowed to see x person. You can have your own boundaries, and I would advise trying to find a happy-medium. I would include Anna because she is her own person and has a voice, wants, and needs of her own that might look very different from what either of you have in mind. Things might never be "equal," but they can be fair and considerate towards all parties and their respective needs. It is possible to have more than one primary, too.

*It was my idea, after my breach of trust. to have basic/simple bounds in place. at first, he was totally against her and i taking up time that otherwise was "reserved" for him. I quickly called him on it, saying my weekends were not owned by him. he was also looking through my cell phone... i told him that was a NO NO and he apologized saying he would respect my privacy.

Who knows where all this is going....and the fact that we dont live together or see eachother every day in some ways is easier (i have more freedom and time to see my lady partner, which i havent even had the chance to do yet ... ) and harder (trust issues). Thank you again.

 

[LoveBunny]

I had an almost identical conversation with my husband last year after a woman knocked me off my feet. He said nearly the exact same things your bf said.

I definitely remember being in this situation: you want to treat your long-term relationship with the respect it deserves, but you don't want to treat the woman you care for like "a bit on the side." You are trying to keep them both happy, and yourself.

My husband and I didn't even have an explicitly open relationship. He knew I was bisexual, and even that I sometimes made out with women, and that didn't bother him. But when I told him I wanted an intimate relationship with a certain friend, not just a flirtation, he freaked. We went in circles for months and months before we came to some acceptance of each other's needs.

Like your bf, husband told me I was "playing with fire," jeopardizing our marriage (and he was right.) I gently but firmly insisted on my own needs, though I knew I might lose my husband. It wasn't just about this woman--it was about me and how monogamy was making me feel untrue to myself. I was utterly gaga about this woman, and of course, still loved my husband. It was heaven and hell.

He tried to keep me from sleeping with her. He tried to say I couldn't use our car to drive her places. He just generally tried to exert control over the situation. His trying to control me only made me "trauma bond" with her.

One night he actually threw me out of the house, and where do you think I went?

Once he relaxed and said ok and just allowed my relationship with the other woman take its course, she and I imploded on our own after five months.

There were a few rules my husband refused to budge on. He refused to make friends with her. There was nothing I could do about that. I agreed not to bring her to our home. I could only spend one night a month with her until he got more comfortable. I couldn't invite her to join us if I went out somewhere with him. She said she was ok with all of this, and I believe she was. She preferred to keep things "casual."

If my husband had been more accepting of my relationship with the woman, would that have changed the outcome? She turned out to be a textbook narcissist, so I'm thinking no. Luckily, my husband and I stayed together, and have since had have lots of discussions and have grown from the experience.

If I had to do it over again, I would try to slow down and give my husband more time to adjust. I fell for the woman so hard and so fast, I can see how it was terrifying. I would like to think my husband has learned that trying to control, threaten, cajole, or manipulate me away from someone I have feelings for won't get him his way.

I hope my similar experience offers you some wisdom, even if it's what not to do.

 

[SilverSprings]

LoveBunny- that was so interesting and insightful. Thank you for relating and sharing with me!! I think the big differences are that Frank and I dont live together. Sometimes I think it gives me this entitled feeling of freedom. Once I even accidentally told Frank I was/felt single. Eek! That opened a can of worms.

So when we see each other, we tend to keep it lighter/fun, and this 'heavy' convo really took its toll on us lately, mentally. But in many ways we also have connected so much and have an even stronger attraction, it seems.

Anna is so so sweet and cute! Compassionate. The opposite of narcissistic, I would say, from knowing her as little as I do. I tend to have a good judgement on people, but heck, who knows? lol.

That's the kicker for me. We have much in common, she likes to do lots of activities Frank does not. I have so many little plans/fantasies I want to explore with her.

I know she was in this very similar sitch with one or two other girls who had BFs. Those girls ended up going back to their BFs, which hurt her, and I don't want to add to her pain. She has also dated couples, but isn't looking for that now. Sometimes I thought about maybe involving her from time to time with Frank (for play to start). That might actually make him happy, or at least let him realize there is a possibility of "something" in it for him. But I haven't wanted to ask her that. And I don't know if I want that.

Some people say, when in doubt, go without. And I'm in doubt right now, because I love love Frank so. Knowing things are getting emotional already with Anna, it seems to smell of drama or a disaster looming, for some reason. Or perhaps I am just being brainwashed to think that is inevitable. If I did recommit myself fully just to Frank, at least now, I know later he might be open, but then I'd have cut this wonderful girl out of my life, which sucks too, because, for me, it seems hard to find a nice girl. Plus we have this connection established, so we both would be sad.

Frank worries I will resent him, but won't really give his blessing right now. Who knows? In a little while things might ease up, if he calms his fears. I know she will be hurt. But if she stays, it could hurt my relationship with Frank, which I suppose, at the moment, b/c of my strong love for him, would devastate me, and may be even more painful for her later on too.

So do I cut it off now, and play it on the safe side? I have run around in soo many circles over this. I'm tired. I want to figure this out! But it comes down to: risk it all, or play safe and cut the ties with Anna. At least physical/romantic. I could try a platonic friendship. She and I discussed that and she said she is good with waiting, and would like more. Hmmmmm...

 

[LoveBunny]

I don't think you should break it off with Anna. She doesn't deserve that, and you won't be happy. Frank might be happy for a while, but only if you can really fake being happy just with him, or really be happy just with him. Can you? I'm all for letting things play out. Personally, I never back away from a situation just because it's difficult. Big risks=big rewards. Yeah, there might be some drama, so make sure the rest of your life is in good shape. Eat right, exercise, make friends apart from your lovers. I'm serious. When I went through all this last year, it was not easy on my mind or body. It was exhausting.

It all shakes out in the end the way it's supposed to. By this time next year, you'll either you'll be with Frank, Anna, both, or neither. Last year at this time, I was exactly where you are now. The world didn't end for me when it didn't pan out as I'd hoped it would, and it won't for you either. So breathe!

 

[FullofLove1052]

How about you and Anna start from friendship? There is nothing wrong with building a strong foundation as friends. At the root of my marriage, Matt and I are best friends.

At least with friendship, you are accomplishing a few different things. You and she will be able to strengthen your friendship and possibly progress towards a relationship. Sex is not an absolute must. Work on establishing intimacy without the physical side, building trust with both, dating both, and learning about one another. This way she gets to stay in your life. You can continue to enjoy having her around. It will give you more time to figure out things and time to stop spinning around in circles. Since you seem to be worried about Frank and his feelings in all of this, it will also give him time to get to know her, spend time around her, and see that these perceived threats are just not so. Is he against you and Anna developing a friendship?

If all this just happened a week ago, that is way too fast. Why the rush to make it "official" or to make decisions right now? I know life is short, but if you are going to do it, you need to do it right. Slow down and breathe. You are caught up in the dopamine rush you are getting from that something new: Anna, and she has you gone in the brain. You have been hit with the whammy.

Get back to dating Frank, romancing it up, back to the fun and light-hearted exchanges you guys were accustomed to. Keep talking to Anna, learning about her, any baggage, and build a friendship. You do not need the title of girlfriend, life partner, co-primary, secondary, or any of that in order to do this.

Calm down, stop with the daily, intense discussions, and get back to living life. Go out with your friends, have some drinks, do not talk about relationships, go dancing/club hopping, attend a concert, go to a poetry club, go to the beach, whatever. You are too focused on this.

Take some time away. Stressing over it will not change it. When you feel like you are ready and can think without getting worked up into a frenzy, figure out what you want and what is best for you. Take what Anna wants out of it. Take what Frank wants out of it. When you can figure it out, sit them both down and inform them of the decisions you have made. See if either of them are willing to work with you to help achieve whatever it is you desire. At the heart of it, what do you want? How do you want to spend your time, and with whom? You have to be confident and sure of what you want before you can expect anyone to even try to support or understand it.

 

[SilverSprings]

FullofLove, freaking thank you! That is excellent advice all around. It feels better for me to put the brakes on, slow down and chill the F out. Ahhh... Pressuring myself to make a decision in a way is making me feel crazy. I need to do what feels good for me, and being in a tizzy, I can not even allow myself room to feel. I think I'm making even my therapist nuts. LOL. So, big thanks.

Lovebunny, yes, I'm exhausted. I'm not sleeping well. But amazingly enough, I am managing to eat well. lol. I need a break and will give it to myself. I have some things I know need to be attended to. Many thanks.