Puzzled???

I live with both my husband's in two separate houses. I live 14-16 days a month with Murf . Those are full 24/hr days.
 
tnt said:
I don't have a problem with either of those situations. At least not in the beginning.
As I mentioned earlier; looking at the long term, and this is just me personally, I wouldn't feel right if I had a 'girlfriend' living with us and hubby was totally left out of the situation. In my perfect world we would all live together and share all things equally [maybe unrealistic, but ya gotta have a goal, right?]
Again, that's just me. I consider hubby and I "one". I share everything in life with him and vice versa. Old fashioned I know, but it is what it is.
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So then you guys would all break up if ahe just wanted your husband
 
Nope. I just said what my feelings were and how I would feel.
If hubby found a woman and wanted to be with her and she was not into me, that would be fine with me. Actually I have been in that situation before and it posed absolutely no problems. It was some good times! We all got along great, hung out together a lot. She had her own home, we had ours. We spent a lot of time at eachothers house. When it was time for bed [or whatever], he would 'visit' her then come and spend the rest of the night with me.
I won't speak for hubby in that situation, if we were talking a live-in situation. But I am certain we would discuss the matter in depth.
 
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tnt said:
Again, that's just me. I consider hubby and I "one". I share everything in life with him and vice versa. Old fashioned I know, but it is what it is.
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And this is why it will be very difficult. Again, as pointed out above, see "couple privilege."

Been there. Done that. Will never date a married couple as a triad again because of it, which is how most "unicorns" I know feel after one or two run-ins with this mindset.
 
tnt said:
Eventually, I would like to have a relationship that progressed to a live-in situation. If my 'girlfriend' was already married than that obviously wouldn't be an option.
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I'm curious why you think that. Sure, it might be impractical for the other couple to move in your current place, just like it might be impractical for you and your husband to move into their current place. But you could all get a new place together, for instance. That definitely happens so I'm not sure why it would be out of the question. Do you feel like a married woman would never want a live-in situation? You know that's not true, since you want one. Are you worried her husband would be against the move? There is no reason to assume that. The husband might be dating you, too, at that point, for all we know. Or just like you both as metamours, especially if you go on double-dates together. Moving in together might be something they both want, too.

I understand you're trying to plan long-term, but you can very well end up finding a single woman who is also a solo-poly, and therefore would not want to move in with anyone, while a married woman might have the exact same goals as you (another married woman) do.
 
I go back to my previous reply. I honestly think you should (either one or both of you) considering dating separately , if something happens, and you end up as a triad, great, but if you have a lovely relationship that isn't a triad, then great too. I haven't been here long but it seems the successful triads are from people that knew eachother before they became a triad
 
Dating separately has its own challenges as well. I never was able to find agirlfriend girlfriend who want looking to include me with her male partner. Single gay women also weren't interested in dating a married poly woman. That's why eventually I began dating just men.
 
Inyourendo said:
Dating separately has its own challenges as well. I never was able to find agirlfriend girlfriend who want looking to include me with her male partner. Single gay women also weren't interested in dating a married poly woman. That's why eventually I began dating just men.
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....exactly!
 
Yeah but my ex's dream was to have a triad with a single woman and that never happened either.

Early in our marriage he did have a girlfriend but she was very monogamous and a cowgirl, damn near destroyed our family.
 
tnt said:
Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, things can get messy in pretty much any relationship. But it seems the more people in the mix the more to get messy :(.
Apparently it is possible though if we're patient, devoted, and a little bit lucky. Just check out this thread by: NortheastPoly
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69758
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Thats very true. Anything is possible. However different paths can be more difficult.

We also tend to find a lot of people dip their toes in. Start one way and slowly adjust until they fit.. and find.. their perfect poly relationship.

Couple privilege is tough to content with for the outsider. However, you can find people who prefer getting into those types of relationships. Maybe they are already in a primary relationship or possibly extremely independent.

Lastly, couple privilege can work.. IF.. you (and all members of the family) respect all people (involved with the family) fairly. Respect plays such a huge factor in relationships that the structure becomes virtually irrelevant.
 
Ariakas said:
....Couple privilege is tough to content with for the outsider. However, you can find people who prefer getting into those types of relationships. Maybe they are already in a primary relationship or possibly extremely independent.
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..and for a variety of reasons. One being as reece2014 says: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69817
"Thanks for the welcome! I'm excited to hear the stories everyone posts. I'm new to this idea but am learning that it is exactly the type of relationship I'm looking for. I like the idea of having a couple to share my life with but yet not having to be the only one to share duties. How refreshing that would be!"
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[I hope it's okay to quote from other threads?]
This is in the top 3 of my list of benefits ;)!


Ariakas said:
....Lastly, couple privilege can work.. IF.. you (and all members of the family) respect all people (involved with the family) fairly. Respect plays such a huge factor in relationships that the structure becomes virtually irrelevant.
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I totally agree with you! Respect is the primary factory in ANY relationship!!
It kind of goes along with the: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".
 
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I think a good way to lot at it is you and your husband are a couple. You and girlfriend are a couple. Husband and girlfriend is a couple. Together your husband and you do have the same girlfriend but take the possessive word "share" out of it. Let each individual relationship grow on their own. Remember that it's not going to be 100% the same for all of you. Trying to have every thing equal for all probably just wont work. Make sure that you all have special time with each partner to develope those relationships. Special dates, sleeping with just one of you occasionally will go a long way to make this girlfriend feel that she truly has a real relationship and not just be an extension of your marriage
 
Aside from the whole "couple privilege" concept - which I would encourage you to explore - you definitely should consider the idea that whomever you date may see each of you as an individual who carries the "baggage" of already having another partner. (Even if that person is ALSO their partner).

From Lotus's perspective, accord to her, she is dating three interconnected people. From my (our? = me, MrS's, Dude's) perspective, she is dating Dude and we (MrS and I) are along for the ride as part of his life and "potential" partners. (And, I can't even fathom how it looks from her husband's perspective :eek:)

Sometimes we (married) women are interested in dating a couple (or, in Lotus's, case a "Vee")...some married women are only interested in ONE of the couple (or Vee, or whatever). It seems short=sighted to rule those people out - they have, after all, manage to sustain at least ONE relationship, which shows (in my mind) that they are doing SOMETHING right.

People are interested (or not) in the people that they come into contact with. There is no guarantee that a person who likes you will like your partner, or other partner, or your other partner's partner. Connection cannot be forced....only nurtured.
 
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GreenAcres said:
And this is why it will be very difficult. Again, as pointed out above, see "couple privilege."

Been there. Done that. Will never date a married couple as a triad again because of it, which is how most "unicorns" I know feel after one or two run-ins with this mindset.
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^^^This^^^

Never, ever, ever.
 
Inyourendo said:
I think a good way to lot at it is you and your husband are a couple. You and girlfriend are a couple. Husband and girlfriend is a couple. Together your husband and you do have the same girlfriend but take the possessive word "share" out of it. Let each individual relationship grow on their own. Remember that it's not going to be 100% the same for all of you. Trying to have every thing equal for all probably just wont work. Make sure that you all have special time with each partner to develope those relationships. Special dates, sleeping with just one of you occasionally will go a long way to make this girlfriend feel that she truly has a real relationship and not just be an extension of your marriage
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Wonderfully expressed. It can be just that simple. Very refreshing to see amongst all of the "couple privilege" squealing going on in this and similar threads. Sour grapes make such bitter whine.

One of the major problems I've seen among non-monogamists is that so many people seem to be intent to invent new tools and complications for situations in which the old tools still work. Communication, respect, and compassion are still some of the best ways to avoid and solve problems in any relationship.
 
Sour grapes eh?

That is weak, since the OP (sorry OP) is one of the very regular 'We can't find a woman to join us...why?' Posts that are so common they are now considered a Poly forum trope.

People have responded far, far, FAR more politely on this thread than in other similar ones. Not because people have forgotten to find it annoying but because the OP has come out as being more flexible than most other Hunting for Unicorns.

However, I also noticed that they, to be expected I supposed, praised the exceptions rather than the rule.

And also 'Cosmo' no matter how good your tools are, no house with a bad foundation is fit to live in.
 
Natja said:
...one of the very regular 'We can't find a woman to join us...why?' Posts that are so common they are now considered a Poly forum trope.
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If you actually read the content of the post you'll notice that the topic wasn't "how can we find woman X," it was about this couple's puzzlement over the reactions of attached women vs. unattached women to the relationship style they seek.

Natja said:
People have responded far, far, FAR more politely on this thread than in other similar ones. Not because people have forgotten to find it annoying...
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The implication that the people who are being polite and helpful deserve a cookie for "forgetting to find it annoying" speaks volumes. Just because you find a particular relationship configuration personally disagreeable does not mean that others are required to react with scorn and shaming language.

Like it or not, an MFF or FMF triad is most assuredly a polyamorous relationship. Maybe, just maybe, more participants on a board devoted to discussing poly relationships should concentrate on dealing with individual questions and issues rather than screaming "OMG UNICORN HUNTERS!" at every available opportunity.

I do have to thank you though. I suspect that the phrase "I forgot to find X annoying" is destined to enter my lexicon. Très Buddy Cole.
 
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