Quad break-up experience?

[MsEmotional]

Does anyone have experiences that they can share on how things play out when two married couples become involved with one another in a square quad (each half of each couple connected to one half of the other couple) — particularly when of the non-married dyads doesn’t work out?

Is there pressure on the remaining couple to see each other less or break up?

 

[icesong]

So I've done it, twice. The first time turned very toxic and Knight's months-long-process of breaking up with PinkGirl DID definitely cause HipsterBoy and my relationship to end - see the early posts of my blog and linked to from my blog for more details on that. HipsterBoy wasn't a terribly strong hinge anyway, so that didn't help, but... yeah.

With Sunshine and DinoActivist, DA and I ended our relationship long before Sunshine and Knight did, and I'm pretty sure that DA and I's ending didn't really affect them that much. It was a little awkward in that it meant the four of us couldn't do stuff together as much for a bit, but DA and I really were better friends than lovers and we ended it before there was toxicity. Hell, if anything I regret most about that quad ending it's that Sunshine and I's friendship only sort of survived Knight and her breaking up.

My point here is that it entirely depends on the personalities in question and the dynamics of the relationship.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi MsEmotional,

I don't have any direct experience with quads, but I have known people in quads through my forum activity. What I've seen seems to bear out the idea that the larger the number of people in a poly set, the more complex and the greater the odds of instability. Sometimes the whole quad ends up breaking apart but just as often, one person is jettisoned and the quad becomes a triad or V. This is not to say that some quads aren't strong and stable, though, many are. Plus in poly we often say that we don't have to all remain together til we die, in order to consider the relationship successful.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[Spork]

I was in a quad, but only one married couple was involved, the others were my boyfriend and I. We did not even live together, we started dating just a few weeks prior to beginning to also date this couple. It was really nice for about a year and then came a time where I just felt stretched too thin, and was getting concerned about some communication problems and other issues. Decided to pull back, try to just be good friends (with or without benefits) rather than "girlfriend" to so many.

Meanwhile, the other lady in the quad had been dating other men but the guys did not have other partners.

After I pulled out of it, my boyfriend sought another "primary" sort of person and ended up dating a woman who was really, really not into poly. Like even more than my boyfriend now, Zen, is not into it. Zen is not a very poly dude but he was willing to accept me as I was...this woman was actually averse to the idea touching her life. Had had a bad experience in the past. So Analyst (the former bf I'm talking about) wound up going monogamous with her.

It has now been another...year plus...since then. He's still with her. But now they are playing around with poly again with some other people, I have heard vaguely through the rumor mill. Or at least I think someone said something to that effect...I didn't really pay a ton of attention. Didn't wanna pry into their business.

The married couple, Fire and Hefe, are still solid. I believe they recently celebrated their 15th anniversary. They are still open, she still dates others, and I think he hooks up with other ladies when he can, but I haven't heard that he's formed any solid relationships.

I guess that how this could go down, would have to do with those involved and the feelings with the breakup. If there is tension, or hostility, I cannot see it going very well. And the people would have to have good boundaries. If the breakup were more chill and amicable, just "can't do this for reasons, sorry" then maybe the other unmarried dyad could continue ok.