Queer expat newbie

[expatexpat26]

Hey Folks,

I am not new to open relationships. I had been in more or less successful open relationships for two years prior to moving to Berlin and meeting my partner, Adele. We have been together for a year and half and married for 8 months. She is the woman of my dreams and I want to be old and crusty with her. I have never loved someone so much. We have also been monogamous.

About three months ago we met Astrid, and Adele began developing a crush on her. Adele wanted us to have a threesome with Astrid after we all made out one night a month ago. I didn't want to, and the next day I began developing a lot of anxiety and fear. I had a panic attack.

I worked through some of my feelings for a couple of days and decided that maybe it would be a good idea to open our relationship. I know that I trusted Adele. I know with all my heart that she loves me. She has done so much to show and prove that. It made sense. My jealous feelings were unfounded.

I then opened up to Astrid, and we all had a drunken threesome on Christmas Eve. After our second threesome a few days later, I began to develop a serious crush on Astrid.

Adele started feeling threatened and afraid a week ago. She feels threatened by my crush, even though I have been more affectionate and more happy in our relationship. I feel terrible and want to assure her, but I don't know what to do. Initially, I asked Adele if she wanted to end our threeway and she said no. She also has a crush on Astrid.

I don't understand. How did we completely flip 180*?

Since NYE, Astrid and I have been chatting lots on Facebook and texting, realizing how much we have in common. We even met up yesterday (no hanky panky) to organize a film screening project she wants to help me with. Adele knows everything. I have never kept a secret and include her in on our conversations.

Ideally, this could potentially be a great triad or something. I am super open to the idea of loving Astrid, eventually. This in no way or form threatens my love for Adele. I feel even more in love, and we're having even more romantic/kinky sex. I now know that I don't want to give up Astrid as a lover, and I also don't want to compromise my relationship with Adele. Help?

 

[AnnabelMore]

Take it sloooooow. It's nice that you have a new lover and that there's potential there, but don't let the hormones and excitement overwhelm your priorities. If you move forward with an unstable base, it will all crumble and you will either a) lose the chance at this new relationship anyway, b) lose your current relationship, c) manage to keep them both but with a lot of avoidable angst and pain along the way.

Pull back, do a lot of talking with Adele, don't rush into anything. It's like if you're heading off down a fun and exciting road and you hear a scary sound, like maybe your tire just popped, you need to stop and check it out before you go on, or you could crash. It'll be much easier to pause now than to have to pick yourselves out of the wreckage later. It may seem like I'm being melodramatic, but it happens all too often when one partner is excited and the other is scared and it doesn't really get resolved in time.

Wonderful resources on jealousy and more here: www.morethantwo.com

 

[redpepper]

Sex in a threesome and a poly triad or vee are very different things. Perspective and going slowly is the best bet. It sounds like you have experience in being sexually open, but not necessarily polyamorous. Take this as "open" and see where it goes I think. Don't put the cart before the horse, so to speak.