Questions about hinge responsibilities in a threesome

M

MsEmotional

Member
So despite all my questions and periodic anxieties, my V is actually going really well. Both Glasses and Ponytail are interested in both men and women, so a threesome was kind of a topic of discussion between me and each of them from the beginning.

The second time that Glasses and Ponytail and I all hung out together, we ended up in a bit of a threesome. It was very "me"-centered (meaning that I don't know if either of them even touched each other but both of them were touching me). I checked in with each of them a lot -- both before, during, afterwards, and in the days following -- to ask how they were feeling about it and if they were comfortable. They both were, and expressed interest in doing it again and "breaking the touch barrier" between the two of them.

So last weekend we all got intimate again -- this time with more action between the two of them directly. Again, before, during and afterward I checked in with both of them to make sure I knew they were comfortable. Everyone was and both expressed interest in a repeat. Yay!

So even though everything seems to be going well, I still feel a lot of responsibility as the "hinge." I mean, the two of them barely know each other -- they have met on only three occasions. And I am totally new to threesomes. My questions:

1. Should I just keep doing what I am doing -- acting as sort of the "party planner" of these experiences and communicating with each of them individually? Or should I be encouraging them to talk directly to each other rather than having me as the go-between? Should we all be sitting down together and having more kitchen-table discussions about this? It's a weird dynamic because, when we aren't being sexy together, they are just making small talk and getting to know each other.....I feel weird saying, "Okay, so we all want to have sex together tonight. Let's discuss our lists of do's and don'ts...."

2. Would it be best if they got some time together to be intimate without me around? They both seem to really enjoy each other physically, but neither of them has expressed a romantic connection....so I don't know if it would be weird of me to suggest that they have sex without me around.....but I think it would make threesomes less awkward if they have a chance to get to know more about what each other likes without the pressure of three people --
especially since each of them has less sexual experience with men than they have with women. Would it be weird of me to suggest this?

3. Any other advice for orchestrating a threesome when you are the hinge? I obviously love these guys and want them to be comfortable. I also want each of my relationships with them to be healthy and long-lasting, so I don't want to do anything that would jeopardize that. I feel like all the "advice" for threesomes is geared towards couples who are seeking a third for a casual thing. That's not what's going on here and so I want to make sure that whatever we are doing is not just "fun" but also compatible with our relationship goals.
 
My recommendation is to not do it at all.

You'renot merely "orchestrating a threesome," but a vee that you're (all?) trying to crowd into being a triad ASAP, & longterm ("permanent"?) at that.

You're drifting toward being a Queen Bee: you are building a fantasy around yourself, yet would probably say you're being entirely selfless & merely looking out for the wellbeing of your partners.

(FWIW, I do not mean anything sexist by "Queen Bee": men do it as much if not more.)

Let's say you were a guy, & you were describing your wife & your girlfriend. This crowding them together -- though they say they're totally fine with it -- would likely appear to be not a good idea. (I've seen this happen among my friends. It did not end well.)

It's like building a tall stack of china plates. The tower can get quite high, but all it takes is for just one near the bottom to crack from the weight, & the whole thing comes down.
 
Hold up. I think it is important to distinguish the difference between moving towards a Triad, and threesomes. Nowhere in OPs post if he mention that his Partners were interested in a romantic connection outside of their connection with him. To me it does not sound like he is forcing or even necessarily encouraging a Triad at all. It sounds more like he's asking what level of communication is appropriate given the circumstances.

As for your first question I think having them talk to each other about what they are and are not comfortable with in terms of sexual connection is important. That way if they're in the middle of a threesome they would feel comfortable speaking up with both people present. However since all three of you will be engaging with each other all three of you should be part of negotiations for the threesome.

I would not encourage them to connect with one another separate from you unless it is something that they expressed interested in and bring to you. Having been both the V and the hinge in a similar situation to you in previous relationships, I would say that you do not want them to feel forced together. That will not end well. If they decide that they want to engage with one another separate from you, then it needs to be something that comes from them and not something that you put on to them.

It sounds to me that you're doing well in terms of the communicating and checking in with your partners. I would say keep that up that is the most important step.
 
MsEmotional said:
The second time that Glasses and Ponytail and I all hung out together, we ended up in a bit of a threesome. It was very "me"-centered
I checked in with each of them a lot -- both before, during, afterwards, and in the days following -- to ask how they were feeling about it and if they were comfortable. They both were, and expressed interest in doing it again and "breaking the touch barrier" between the two of them.

So last weekend we all got intimate again -- this time with more action between the two of them directly. Again, before, during and afterward I checked in with both of them to make sure I knew they were comfortable. Everyone was and both expressed interest in a repeat. Yay!
Click to expand...

If both of THEM, your male partners, expressed interest in repeating the experience and both are somewhere on the flexible-queer continuum and enjoyed the first couple of experiences, then I don't think there is anything intrinsically wrong or awkward in going there again.

Your question seems to be whether or not YOU should initiate this, let one/both of THEM broach it, or simply let it happen (or not) when you're next all together.

The first thing I'd say is DO NOT go about things the way me and my partners did (see my recent post on threesomes and consent).

So even though everything seems to be going well, I still feel a lot of responsibility as the "hinge." I mean, the two of them barely know each other -- they have met on only three occasions. And I am totally new to threesomes. My questions:

1. Should we all be sitting down together and having more kitchen-table discussions about this? It's a weird dynamic because, when we aren't being sexy together, they are just making small talk and getting to know each other.....I feel weird saying, "Okay, so we all want to have sex together tonight. Let's discuss our lists of do's and don'ts...."
Click to expand...

To this, I'd say a resounding YES. IF you're all going to participate in further threesomes and everyone is willing, you definitely SHOULD discuss it beforehand as a group, whether in person around the kitchen table or in a joint message box/email/phone convo.

You admit they barely know each other (are only in the situation because both love and wish to please YOU, their mutual partner), and both have less experience with other men than women... therefore I think it's advisable to work out what each of you WANTS from the threesome (fun/pleasure, or are you working towards a Triad dynamic?), your likes, dislikes, no-go zones, boundaries, limits etc.

2. Would it be best if they got some time together to be intimate without me around? They both seem to really enjoy each other physically, but neither of them has expressed a romantic connection.
Would it be weird of me to suggest this?
Click to expand...

I don't think it'd weird to broach the topic with each of them - in private. However I do think it might be weird, or somewhat inappropriate to "suggest" it TO them, especially when you're all together. One or both may feel pressure to get intimate with the other just to please you. They may not feel any particular way about each other, besides desire IN the moment. Conversely, they may secretly be developing feelings for each other, whether emotional/romantic or simply sexual. You can only ask, but I'd do this privately with each.

3. Any other advice for orchestrating a threesome when you are the hinge? I obviously love these guys and want them to be comfortable. I also want each of my relationships with them to be healthy and long-lasting, so I don't want to do anything that would jeopardize that. I feel like all the "advice" for threesomes is geared towards couples who are seeking a third for a casual thing.
Click to expand...

It is, or can be, a very tricky situation as I've found out to my cost, recently. I do think your situation sounds much more promising than mine, but I'd be wary of hoping for too much between your partners at this stage. You ALL need to think about where you're headed with these threesomes, given that you're already in a V with a shared love interest (you, obviously). There is much potential for jealousy and territorial feelings developing IF this starts going in a direction that is unforeseen or unwanted by any party.
 
@jayblue122: MsEmotional is a woman. :)



MsEmotional said:
They both seem to really enjoy each other physically, but neither of them has expressed a romantic connection....so I don't know if it would be weird of me to suggest that they have sex without me around.....but I think it would make threesomes less awkward if they have a chance to get to know more about what each other likes without the pressure of three people -- especially since each of them has less sexual experience with men than they have with women. Would it be weird of me to suggest this?
Click to expand...
You might suggest it, just to let them know it's OK, but you don't need to be orchestrating the unfolding of this. You're a good hinge, as we say, but it's not all on you. You don't want to veer off into the codependent weeds here.

Most men who express bisexual interests are not also bi-amorous. Of course a few are, but the vast majority of bisexual and bi-curious men are sexual with other men, not romantic. You might let them know that a connection between the two of them is OK with you, but let them find their own way with what that's going to be. Likely, they both are trying to please you and it might be hard for them to separate that from their own, very new and foreign, recognition of desire for intimacy with a man. Encouraging them to be intimate without you kicks it up to an emotional level that they might not be comfortable with. Just expect that and accept it, if so.

I think you're on a good path.
 
Hi MsEmotional,

In addition to what the others have said, I just want to say that it sounds like things are going well. Which brings to my mind the old saying, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." So for the most part I think you can continue as you've been doing. I do like the idea of checking in with each of the guys, to ask how they're feeling about it and if they're comfortable. Keep doing that. And, while you're checking in with them, you could ask them other questions if you want, such as would they like to hook up with each other without you present. Continue as you're doing and if a problem seems to arise, slow down then and assess the situation. Keep us posted on Polyamory.com too, so that we can give updated advice.

I'm truly happy for all three of you, and wish you continued happiness.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I know you want a triad so take heed of what Ravenscroft wrote. Don't force it. Don't try to manipulate it. No need to orchestrate it.

I was trying to think of what I would do in a similar situation. I couldn't think of a scenario in which a partner would not let me know that they wanted to pursue something with the other partner. So I guess I'll have to say just wait that part out.
 
Update!

So in the past few days both of them have told me that, while they enjoy doing sexual things together they don't feel a romantic spark for one another. I am just relieved that they both seem to be at the same place as far as that. As long as everyone is comfortable with whatever this situation is, I am happy. I think I am also going to consciously avoid initiating the topic -- I really don't want either of them to get the impression that sex with each other is something they need to do to please me.
 
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I believe you have the right idea. :)
 
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