Questions

[Yourlittlespiesx]

I am not poly but I met someone about 2 years ago who is and I don’t know much about being poly or the different types but the person I met I didn’t think we were serious because of him being poly and I was fine with that and I eventually wanted something more so I ended things so fast forward to now and he still likes me is it possible for someone who is poly to love someone

 

[WhatHappened]

Of course it's possible for someone who's poly to love. It is likely not possible, however, for a person who's poly and has a primary partner, to give the full relationship that most people are looking for.

Does this poly person have a primary partner? What would your position in his life be? Where is the room for growth? Is there the possibility of marriage and children together or will you forever be the 'other,' and expected to settle for 2 or 4 nights a week? Will you be acknowledged to his family and friends as a girlfriend or will you be expected to keep it all a secret?

 

[Yourlittlespiesx]

...

The guy doesn’t have any other partners I was the primary from the beginning and as far as I know he hasn’t had a new partner since I ended things all our mutual friends know about us and I met his parents so it’s not a secret I just wanted a little insight on his take on things he isn’t very good at portraying how he feels in words at least

 

[Yourlittlespiesx]

....

I guess I should ask him what his thoughts are I just never thought we were serious and he never got involved with anyone after me and it’s very obvious he still likes me. A good example is we went to the movies and grabbed some food before hand when we were seeing each other and seeing as we weren’t a couple so to speak I paid for dinner and he paid for the movie and he told my best friend that was him asking me to be something more but he never said anything like that to me so idk if maybe it was just him thinking that I knew that’s what he meant or that’s something with just him idk it’s very confusing I’m a straightforward monogamous person so I guess me and him where on different levels but when my best friend told me he said that I was highly confused because he never said anything about being “committed” or anything

 

[GalaGirl]

I just wanted a little insight on his take on things he isn’t very good at portraying how he feels in words at least

Is that a deal breaker for you? When I was younger I would be more willing to go there with a person like that.

Now that I'm older I prefer someone who already has decent communication skills. I don't want to have to keep "fishing" or "guessing" what at they mean. That's a lot of emotional and mental labor. (For context -- I deal with my Dad's Alzheimer. I already do "fishing/guessing" with him. I'm not eager to do it in my free time with others. )

I guess I should ask him what his thoughts are I just never thought we were serious and he never got involved with anyone after me and it’s very obvious he still likes me.

Just because someone likes you does not mean you are obligated to like them back. "Liking" isn't enough to make a thing deeply compatible. I think there's more to deep compatibility than initial attraction.

A good example is we went to the movies and grabbed some food before hand when we were seeing each other and seeing as we weren’t a couple so to speak I paid for dinner and he paid for the movie and he told my best friend that was him asking me to be something more but he never said anything like that to me so idk if maybe it was just him thinking that I knew that’s what he meant or that’s something with just him idk it’s very confusing I’m a straightforward monogamous person so I guess me and him where on different levels but when my best friend told me he said that I was highly confused because he never said anything about being “committed” or
anything

That part in red? He's not asking YOU anything. He's telling your friend things like she's supposed to relay the message. Kinda like junior high kids sometimes do.

The part in bold? To me it sounds like you are fine and know who YOU are and what you want.

• You like straightforward communication. He does not practice that.
  
• You are monogamous and seem to want that. He's poly.

So... not a match already on two counts. He cannot give you the communication style nor the relationship style you prefer. Not compatible.

I'd say move on. As far as you know, you don't know anything directly from him.

Could also tell your friend not to be telling you this stuff from guys. If a guy wants to talk to you, he can talk direct. Not talking "through" your friend.

Galagirl

 

[Yourlittlespiesx]

...

Communication is a must for me. When we first met he told me about being poly so never hearing of that before I asked him what that meant and he told me he has cuddle partners so I was fine with that at first but I always wanted something serious and I just assumed he didn’t want that so eventually I had to move on. As far as him telling my best friend about asking me out it was definitely strange and I didn’t know for months after I ended things. I will probably have to talk to him get him to more vocal about what he really wants. I don’t like to have to fish for information it’s very frustrating and I just spent the last year dealing with that with my ex boyfriend and I won’t deal with that again. Thanks for reaching out to me and I’m sorry to hear about your dad

 

[WhatHappened]

He's not very clear in anything. He doesn't tell you what's really going on. In my experience, people who do that are leaving themselves wiggle room. If they change their minds later, they get to claim you misunderstood. Or didn't hear what they said. Or whatever.

I personally have little time for people who play games like that. Nor do I have time for 'adults' who are incapable of just saying what they want or where they stand.

I get it that in the beginning people are feeling out the other party, being cautious...but after more than two years? He sounds more like a little boy than a man.

 

[GalaGirl]

As far as him telling my best friend about asking me out it was definitely strange and I didn’t know for months after I ended things.

I could be wrong but from the sound of it the one who brought confusion to your door was the friend -- by bringing you old news from poor communicator. Why is YOUR FRIEND telling you outdated old stuff?

I will probably have to talk to him get him to more vocal about what he really wants.

Why? He might misread that as "starting again." And it doesn't make him any more compatible for you. Let it stay ended with him and do nothing.

As far as you know, he didn't say anything to you directly anyway.

I think the problem to address is updating YOUR FRIEND about your communication preferences and just not worry about the guy. Could tell your friend not to bother telling you these things at all -- old or new. The next time it happens they can tell the guy "Don't tell me this stuff. Speak directly to Yourlittlespiesx."

I don’t like to have to fish for information it’s very frustrating and I just spent the last year dealing with that with my ex boyfriend and I won’t deal with that again.

So don't deal in it NOW. Not your job to "fix" his communication issues by telling him to speak up more. That's his stuff for him to solve.

Thanks for reaching out to me and I’m sorry to hear about your dad.

Thanks. It's been years -- we're all used to it. But it does make me short on patience for "fishing and guessing."

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Yourlittlespiesx,

It sounds like you need to tell him that you need him to talk more to you about his feelings and about where you really stand with him. As it is he has kind of been leading you along. Does he want something serious with you or not?

Certainly it is possible for someone who is poly to love someone. That is what poly means. Polyamory = many loves. The question is, does he understand what poly means? Maybe he is misrepresenting himself when he says he is poly. Is "cuddle partners" as far as it ever goes with him? Maybe he should just say he is nonmonogamous, that's more general. In any case, he should explain to you exactly what he wants, and not go through a third party like your best friend.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Yourlittlespiesx]

When he told me it was a cuddle partner thing I took that quite literally but he doesn’t he likes to be intimate with me at least. I don’t know if that’s a thing he did with his other cuddle partners but when I met him his other cuddle partner had gotten a boyfriend so I was the only cuddle partner/friends with benefits. For me being monogamous I eventually wanted something more and I never discussed anything with him I just stopped going to his house because I didn’t know if with being poly if he was willing or able to commit to something more so that’s on me I don’t feel like he strung me along at all I knew going into it that it wasn’t serious for him so for me I didn’t get attached. And after I ended things he would still be touchy feely with me and when he was still doing that for more than a year and I had eventually started dating someone and I didn’t want this guy to make advances towards me to begin with because I was looking for something serious but me being in a relationship that had to come to an end with him being handsy so I had to unfriend him from social media and I had stopped attending any get togethers that my other friends would go to because he never got it when I said please don’t flirt with me because I was in a relationship. And now I’m single and he is back to his old ways and I’m not ready for anything with anyone right now after my prior relationship because I have a lot of healing to do but on the other token he has made more of an effort to communication via social media which he never did before so I’m not sure where he stands and like I said I need to heal so I don’t know if getting into something is good for me

 

[Yourlittlespiesx]

Galagirl

Everything you said definitely makes sense he is a poor communicator that I know and I guess my friend was telling me what the guy meant because he really liked me and I guess didn’t want things to end but he should have told me that he wanted something more than friends with benefits that’s what I’m calling it no offense to anyone on here that is intimate with their poly partners and it isn’t my friends job or responsibility to try and get me to go back to him he should have been vocal about it especially since he knows where I stood being monogamous.

 

[GalaGirl]

And after I ended things he would still be touchy feely with me and when he was still doing that for more than a year and I had eventually started dating someone and I didn’t want this guy to make advances towards me to begin with because I was looking for something serious but me being in a relationship that had to come to an end with him being handsy so I had to unfriend him from social media and I had stopped attending any get togethers that my other friends would go to because he never got it when I said please don’t flirt with me because I was in a relationship.

Jeez. He sounds FRESH. You break up and he's still trying to cop a feel? Does not respect your limit! Or your "No."

And now I’m single and he is back to his old ways

You mean he keeps ON pawing you even when you tell him to STOP?

He is starting to sound like a creeper. Stay away. Let be it ended.

I’m not ready for anything with anyone right now after my prior relationship because I have a lot of healing to do...

So do your healing.

but on the other token he has made more of an effort to communication via social media which he never did before so I’m not sure where he stands

What matters is where YOU stand. He's a poor communicator, not compatible since he's poly, he doesn't respect your "no" AND he's handsy/fresh.

None of that sounds like "awesome to date" to me.

I need to heal so I don’t know if getting into something is good for me.

Well, if you need to heal? Do what YOU need.

Do not date at this time and when you are ready to date? Def not dating this dude.

it isn’t my friends job or responsibility to try and get me to go back to him

That's right. It is NOT your friend's job.

Keep away from this guy and keep things a lot simpler on yourself.

Galagirl

 

[Yourlittlespiesx]

You are absolutely right thank you

 

[GalaGirl]

You are welcome.

I hope you feel a bit better for airing out here.

You don't have to get involved with that again just because you used to be FWB in the past.

He sounds all kinds of FRESH! Ugh.

Galagirl

 

[Yourlittlespiesx]

I wasn’t really thinking about he didn’t respect me until I started talking about how he acts. I just wanted to get some insight about if he was able to be more devoted but now talking with you I got a better insight that he isn’t someone I need to spend anytime on trying to see if he can be different so yeah I’m feeling better thank you