(Re)Introducing Myself, Once More with Feeling

[Achimwis]

Greetings All,

I originally set this account up when my first wife and I decided we wanted to give the poly lifestyle a go some four years ago. To make a long story short, that relationship held together like a soup sandwich for a number of reasons. And so I've not been back in all that time.

First I was single and didn't feel that "poly" was an accurate descriptor. In fact, I felt very badly burned by the whole thing and wanted to distance myself from it as much as humanly possible.

However, on the other side of all that, I am now in a much healthier, happier, and far more stable marriage. And it is, frankly, fantastic.

Over time, I've begun to feel something that I have difficulty putting into words. If I say it is like an itch I cannot scratch, I fear that carries lascivious overtones that I don't intend. But it is a deep welling of, for lack of a better word, love. Like I want to share what I have with my wife with others. Like, there is a depth of feeling that could not be encapsulated in a single partnership. An ache, maybe? Or something like that shiver you get when an orchestra strikes that perfect note and your spine tingles.

Anyway, when I thought that I might be wandering back in a poly direction, I got worried. As Great White taught us, "Once Bitten, Twice Shy." But I got over that, at the very least.

So I took my feelings to my wife and, to her great credit, she was incredibly understanding. We had gone to a swingers club in our area and finally decided to try opening our marriage to additional partners.

We're taking it slow and looking to see what happens. Funnily, though this started mostly as my "thing," she's the one getting waaay more hits on her dating profile!

So I'm back. Hoping to get to know some people better, learn some things about myself, and all around have a good time.

Best,
E

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Achimwis,
Welcome back! Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I take it you're married to someone different now than four years ago? Correct me if I'm wrong. I think it's great that your wife is very supportive of you in your poly endeavors. Hopefully Polyamory.com can be an additional source of support.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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Welcome aboard!

 

[Lea]

Welcome back! Glad to hear things are going better the second time around!

 

[Shaya]

Hi there,

Welcome back. I'm relatively new myself but I've heard that women are more likely to find partners in a poly world. Probably more men who are okay with the philosophy than women, for a great number of reasons.

Good luck,
Shaya.

 

[Achimwis]

I take it you're married to someone different now than four years ago? Correct me if I'm wrong.

Oh yes. I have been with my current partner for a while now.

Shaya, I'm not sure the discrepancy is something specific to the poly community. It might just be the nature of online dating that women get more attention than men. That seems to be the general trend across online dating sites according to my extremely unscientific intuition on the matter, as well as anecdotal evidence.

Though the question of whether or not a gender is more philosophically predisposed to poly is an interesting question. Though I'm not sure of reasons they would be specifically.

Still, it's nice to be back here. For a long time I've felt that we live too much in isolation from one another (says a guy sitting at a computer at home) and I'm not sure it is good for us. Perhaps it is a yearning for additional connection?

 

[Spork]

First, let me say that I love the Fear & Loathing quote in your sig. Cool.

Second, I think you're right about dating sites. And I think there are many factors at play there, and it's not all the kind of thing that one should be grumpy about, with unfairness in the playing field... For one thing, social conditioning and what the genders often hope for in a match, can really come into play.

I'm a woman, and I don't like to beat around the bush, play games, or make men "jump though hoops." If I want one, I want him. I want to put my cards right out on the table, and communicate in a very straightforward manner. Unfortunately, many men of my acquaintance, have responded to that with...nearly horror, or at least fear, or possibly even contempt. If I am not letting them chase or making it a challenge, it must not be worth anything. Or maybe the picture I paint in words was not what some were comfortable with. Too much honesty too soon has torched some interactions before they had a chance to get off the ground.

There is a reason why "easy" is considered a shamey sexual insult applied to women, but never to men.

Sad, but true.

So for better or worse, women feel compelled to play a game. If we like a guy, we have to shyly bat our little eyelashes at him, until hopefully he notices us and joins the chase. In the world of online dating, that may mean that a woman will "like" a profile (in whatever way is allowed by the site) or visit it, but she dare not send the first message, lest she is seen as too eager.

Humans are so messy and complicated, aren't we? I've often thought that dynamic was a little disappointing, but who am I to fight the tide alone?

Best wishes and welcome back.