Reaching out to his primary when we're both new at this

MaybeSparrow

MaybeSparrow

New member
I met a very nice guy and we had a very nice couple of times hanging out. Yay! After our second time hanging out, he requested that I email his girlfriend to introduce myself, and say to her, "Thanks for letting me borrow him for a while." I agree that it's the proper thing to do, but I don't know what to say. This is apparently her first polyamorous relationship. I'm inexperienced enough with poly to where I've never been in this situation.

So my question is: if you were in her shoes, what would (or wouldn't) you want to see in a message from me? Maybe I should just keep it really bare bones? And stop overthinking everything in my life? :p
 
It might be better for the three of you to meet for lunch or coffee, and get introduced. Just shoot the breeze, talk about anything, and get to know each other.

Or maybe just you and her meet, and gossip about him, as co-conspirators. :)
 
I have had emails from my loves' other partners before that have simply said that they would be really glad to meet me and that they are enjoying their time with our shared partner. That's it. Then we usually set up meeting each other.
 
Just keep it simple, casual and polite. Also the suggestion of coffee with either her or both of them would be nice too.
 
I would say also that if you're not comfortable reaching out to her, don't do it for him. Do it only if you feel motivated to do so. It might still be premature at this point, after just two dates. If you feel pressured, it's gonna be awkward and weird. But if you are motivated to connect with her, just take a moment to sit and think about what you really would want to say to her if she were in front of you, and keep it simple. It doesn't have to be more than two sentences or so.
 
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Coffee's great, a social situation may be better

It's awesome of you to reach out for advice about this. Kudos on your initiative and thoughtfulness. Playing the role of the wife, I'd say a short message would be great, though I agree with a previous comment, and add that it's not your job, especially at this early stage, to manage the other partner. It's your dating partner's job to "manage" his partner.

Having said that, I recently had the first experience of being introduced to a possible future gf. It was done in a poly-friendly social setting. That way my husband could spend some time with her, while I socialized with others, then I could spend some time with her, and with them. It worked out great.

As a final thought, this early on, I would take offense if you suggested too much of a commonality between us. But that might just be me.

Good luck. :)
 
MaybeSparrow said:
After our second time hanging out, he requested that I email his girlfriend to introduce myself and say thanks for letting me borrow him for a while. I agree that it's the proper thing to do, but I don't know what to say.
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Feedhercandy said:
I'd say a short message would be great, though I agree w a previous comment, and add that it's not your job, especially at this early stage, to manage the other partner. It's the job of your dating partner to "manage" his partner.
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I've been thinking about your post, Sparrow, and agree with what I bolded from Feedhercandy, above. I have to say that I think it's a little weird that he asked you to do this right away. After two times just hanging out? Or is "hanging out" a euphemism for sex nowadays? Even so, who says that "It's the proper thing to do," anyway? I mean, it would be nice and perhaps even delightful, if it were your idea and not his. But for him to ask this of you seems a bit pushy and conceited, in a way. Like he's this hot commodity that requires a transaction. Know what I mean? It seems odd to reach out to his girlfriend at such an early stage.

Have you already written her?
 
MaybeSparrow said:
He requested that I email his girlfriend to introduce myself and say thanks for letting me borrow him for a while. I agree that it's the proper thing to do, but I don't know what to say. This is apparently her first polyamorous relationship, and I'm inexperienced enough with poly where I've never been in this situation.

So my question is: if you were in her shoes, what would (or wouldn't) you want to see in a message from me? Maybe I should just keep it really bare bones? And stop overthinking everything in my life? :p
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"He requested." He asked if you would be willing. I'm not getting where the issue is with this. "Requesting" is aboveboard, to me. If you don't want to, you don't have to, although I wouldn't suggest falling short in the metamour department. Metamours can make or break a relationship.
 
There is certainly nothing wrong with saying his SO would like to meet you, but I really do think it is up to him to facilitate the meeting this early on.
I think it is weird to leave it up to you to initiate a conversation.

My husband and I have an agreement to meet the people each other are dating, if it is going to become something other than a couple of dates. But that is our job (as the hinge) to make happen, not the people we are dating.

The wife of the guy I am dating wants to meet me. (This dating partner already met my husband over a month ago.) I'd like to meet her, but she did not want to meet me with him there. So she's taken my email, and the ball is in her court. I look forward to meeting her, but if he had told me it was my job to contact her and "make things happen," I think I may have bowed out of that. It's seems like a hell of a lot of pressure to do that for somebody you don't even know how you feel about yet (I am assuming).

Now if I had already met her socially, I would be more inclined to send a friendly message proactively, but I can't picture sending a total stranger a "Thanks for letting me borrow your partner" email.

I have seen two schools of thought on this-- people who don't want to meet their metamours unless it is "going somewhere," and people who want to meet them ASAP (which probably gets tiring if your SO dates a hell of a lot).

I would ask your dating partner if his gf really wants to meet me, and then probably take the steps to make it happen, but it seems like there is a bit of maturing to do, as in, I think the guy might have said, "My gf would like to meet you, so I would like that if too. How can we make it happen?"

Since this is their first poly relationship, there is certainly going to be a big learning curve on communication.
 
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When I was in a poly relationship, our guy was the link between us, the two females involved with him, getting to know one another. He and she were the established couple. I was his new female interest. We were in a long-distance relationship. After asking me, he started to include her on a few of our more casual phone calls, to just "chat." In fact, he also introduced me to a couple of their close friends in a "social" phone call one evening, because the friends were visiting when I happened to call.
 
In my newest relationship, which is long-distance, and has only been going on for slightly less than two weeks, I have had contact with the guy's wife. But she she initiated contact with me, after he and I had been talking for about a week. I wrote back to her. The guy has not been involved with any of it, except to say that he's happy we're in touch, and that she likes me.

I love the idea of having a metamour, and being on good terms with her, but if he had asked me to contact her first, to say, "Thanks for putting him on the market," I would've felt very awkward and weird about it, especially so early on, even if it weren't long distance.

In your case, after only two dates, I think it's presumptuous for him to say to you, "You should message her and thank her for me, baby." 😂:rolleyes:

I did send my new (possible) metamour a message of appreciation, but only after she reached out first.
 
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