Reaching out

endusal

endusal

New member
Hello, everyone!

I've been lurking and reading in this forum for a while, and I've found the discussions and your input very helpful. Reading about poly troubles and challenges helped me normalise what I am going through currently: I'm in a long-term relationship that opened up during the last year on my partner's side (we always had a relatively relaxed attitude to sexual openness), and has transitioned from something more casual to him having an intimate relationship with another woman. I am trying to come to terms with that.

On the whole, it has been an undeniable opportunity for personal growth, but also a source of stress, fear, and hurt. I am trying to navigate through all that as best I can, though the process is quite messy. Besides several threads on this forum (including personal stories), I've been reading More than Two and most if not all articles on their website, excerpts from The Ethical Slut, a few articles from Golden Nuggets, and so on.

A few basics about me: I'm female, mostly straight, in my mid thirties, and I live in Southern Europe. No children, though I hope to have them eventually. I have a stable 9-5 job but also freelance as an artist, the latter being my true passion.

I mean to post soon to the Poly Relationships Corner with a few more specifics I feel I need some support with.

Thank you all!
 
Hi endusal - and welcome to the Forum! I can very much relate to your situation - my wife asked me to open our marriage somewhat over a year ago so she could explore her resurgent feelings for an old college boyfriend. Ultimately I agreed (full story in signature link below) - but it did take a lot of work and processing to finally come to full terms with it, and eventually come to self identify as poly. I commend you on your study - reading books, web articles, and the posts in this forum was critical in my processing. Remaining monogamous while your partner is poly is generally regarded as a very difficult (but certainly not impossible) proposition. If you decide you wish to remain in this relationship and agree to your partner being actively poly, I would certainly encourage you to consider the same for yourself when you are ready - and having a partner yourself will most likely make it easier to accept your partner having other partners. On a practical note - it is has been conceded many times on this forum that the ladies have a much easier time of finding other partners than the men do.

Please do not hesitate to post those specific thoughts and questions in the Poly Relationships Corner when you are ready. Best of luck on your new journey! Al
 
Greetings endusal,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It is hard to adjust to your partner having an intimate relationship with another woman. It sounds like you are doing your research which is good. Hopefully the various members here can offer help in the way of advice and feedback. The Poly Relationships Corner is a great place to get that.

I hope Polyamory.com continues to prove useful to you, I'm glad that you could join us.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Keep exploring!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Al, Kevin,

Thank you for your welcome. :)

Al, your own posts about your venture into poly – the reading, thinking, structured approach – were very inspirational. I also happen to like Heinlein very much. I read Glory Road in my early teens, absolutely loved it; followed it with Stranger in a Strange Land (which admittedly went over my head, and probably merits a re-read), Starship Troopers and The Moon is Harsh Mistress. It's odd how I never made the connection with the group marriages described in the latter with my current situation until I read you making a mention of it.

Your suggestion of having another partner of my own makes sense. My partner has encouraged me in the same direction. I understand his reasons for doing so, though at the time it was initially suggested it felt very precarious, as though I was pushed away. I don't feel ready about that. I want to be strong and secure enough on my own and not make it about finding solace in another relationship. (I often fantasize about it, though, as both a coping mechanism at times and as a simulation of how I could go on about becoming intimate with another man. But I'm too scared to put real hearts on the line yet: I worry about bungling it completely.)

Kevin, I've always liked your kind, level-headed responses to people's posts.
It's been all rather messy because I was very unprepared for poly. I cannot yet say I can ultimately support it, but I have come to see it as a reasonable and ethical approach to relationships and this has made things much easier. There have been some mishandlings on everyone's part: them moving too fast, sidelining me at times, me having rather poor boundaries and running hot and cold, or resorting to passive communication, sometimes laced with righteousness and even nastiness.

Add to all this that my relationship with my partner has had many elements of codependency, it means that shifting my mindset into accepting his wish to form intimate attachments with others has to cover a substantial distance. For the time being, I have been doing therapy, which in addition to reading helps me resolve personal issues, improve communication and address pre-existing issues in our relationship. I am also trying to work on establishing my independence on both a personal and social level (self-efficacy, a social network of my own, etc.). My idea is that any decision I make should be routed in being free from the fear of losing my partner, or being alone.
 
Podcasts

Hi,

I am listening to the book you recommended. I have a few recommendations for you as well. The Polyamory weekly podcast has good resources and some good talking points. I have always been a fan of Savage Love, my husband and I used to listen to it together and then we would pause and have conversations about our thoughts.

I read the Jealousy Survival guide as well as Eight Things I with I knew about Polyamory before I tried it and frakked it up. These are both shirt reads with some good tips.

Hugs!
 
Hi endusal,

It sounds like you have the right idea of how to approach poly. You are aware of the traps that snared you in the past; that awareness will help. Hopefully we can talk more about it.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
The Polyamory weekly podcast has good resources and some good talking points. I have always been a fan of Savage Love, my husband and I used to listen to it together and then we would pause and have conversations about our thoughts.

I read the Jealousy Survival guide as well as Eight Things I with I knew about Polyamory before I tried it and frakked it up. These are both shirt reads with some good tips.
Click to expand...

I have also found Cunning Minx's Polyamory Weekly podcasts to be a valuable resource in my coming to understand polyamory. I find them to be well produced and informative. There are over 500 archived - all free. And, I also enjoyed "Eight Things" and rank it among the top of the dozen books I've read on poly - it's a great, easy, short (about 100 pages) read - perfect for those just coming into poly - and a good refresher for the veteran as well. Al
 
Thanks, everyone, for the recommendations. Just now I'm taking a small break* from reading about polyamory, because I have put a lot of effort in the matter for several weeks non-stop and am feeling somewhat exhausted; I have let other obligations slide, and I also missed having some carefree fun. I had some friends over at our place on Saturday and we played games until late into the night howling with laughter. This was much needed.

* It's not exactly a break, actually. I started reading the diaries of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 2: 1934-1939. This was a recommendation for several good insights about art and living, but it turns out that Anaïs was at some point married to two men simultaneously (not legally, obviously), and had multiple lovers all the while. It's a very interesting read, very heartfelt, offering plenty of food for thought on life, art, love and self.
 
Sounds like you had a much-needed break.
 
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