Reasons to break up?

[katniss93]

I am embarrassed about all the problems I'm having, but I need to vent and ask for advice somewhere. So thank you for reading.

My husband and I had been planning for over a year to get pregnant. Finally I'm pregnant and I am very happy about it. However, there are issues I am having with my secondary. Because I conceived around the time I started having sex with him, he is 90% sure it's his, and keeps telling me about how if it's his kid he's going to do all these things, he wants to be on the birth certificate, he wants the baby to have same last name as him. And if I don't let him have those things he'll take me to court or he says that I would be taking away his only hope of having a family.

Here's the thing: we've only been together 2 months.

He got upset when I told him we recently got a fertility test for my husband, to make sure he could have kids, and he was positive, the sperm are viable. My secondary was upset because he thought I wanted it to be my husband's kid more than I wanted it to be his. First of all, yes, I do, because we have been planning for it.

So with all this going on, I think it should be easy to decide to break up with him. And I've tried telling him this relationship isn't going to work, especially since he doesn't like my husband. But then he brings up why I should stay with him, and I don't know what to say, because I agree with him on most things:

1. We shouldn't break up because he can take care of me, and he really loves me.
2. Because he cares about me, he has spent a lot of money on me (even though most of it I didn't ask for).
3. He is absolutely and completely committed to this relationship.
4. It could be his kid, and if so, he wants to be in the child's life. Otherwise, when the baby is born, he'll get a court order for a DNA test.
5. My husband isn't good enough for me and hasn't been very nice to him.
6. I can't take care of this baby without him.
7. If I break up with him, he'll be so heartbroken he will move far away, and I won't see him again, except for legal reasons, if it is his kid.

I actually have counter-arguments to all these thing, and I really do care about him, and I don't want to see him hurt. But the problem is when I tell him, he doesn't listen. He gets very upset, and tells me all the bad things that are going to happen if I leave him. And then he begs me not to break up. He pushes me into promising we won't break up, and I promise because I'm afraid of him blaming all his hurt on me and then taking it out on me. I can't break up with him because when I try he calls me a liar for promising not to break up and places all the blame and guilt for his pain on me. He tells me all the things he's done for me because he cares, like taking me to the hospital and paying out of pocket for the bill, even though I didn't ask him to, and kept telling him to give me the bill. I feel like he's pushing for all these reasons not to break up, as if he wants me to be afraid of breaking up.

Should I feel this much guilt? I'm so afraid of breaking up with him because he might take me to court if it is his kid. And yeah, he makes a lot of money, and could take care of me and the kid more financially, but that doesn't mean my husband is an unfit father and that I can't take care of my own child.

Is this an abusive relationship? How can I get out of it? Is there any chance of making it work? I wouldn't mind taking time to work things out with him, but I'm 2 months pregnant and can't have this control in my life. My husband keeps telling me I should break up with him, because he's worried that he will try to control the family, control me, and make life miserable for our family. But I don't feel strong enough, because every time I try, I end up crying so bad I can't speak, and then he tells me he'll do anything for me, and I am too weak to tell him to leave.

 

[Ariakas]

You are happy about being pregnant,. He is not happy for you. He reads like a passive-aggressive manipulator.

Honestly, it sounds like you need to drop that rock. But that's just me.

Breaking up with someone is about you, not him. So if you need to break up with him, and it sounds like you do, then do it.

Staying with someone unhealthy because of a kid isn't a reasonable expectation.

Is this an abusive relationship? How can I get out of it?

Yes. And you walk. it really isn't hard to break up. To take the famous words of a sporting goods company, "Just do it." You are pregnant, and these should be the happiest of times for you. Enjoy them.

 

[Spock]

Wait, are you sure this is really your husband's child?

Even if you do break up with him, he can still try to assert paternity. So be prepared to deal with that. It sounds like even if you don't break up with him, he will still assert paternity!

My concern isn't with who loves whom. You are grown adults and can deal with it. The child never asked for any of this, and deserves to be treated with respect.

 

[Spock]

Sounds like you didn't really resolve your issue with J if this 'two month' old BF is trying to assert paternity.

 

[WhatToDo]

Sounds like he is happy she's pregnant and wants the kid to be his. What if the kid is his? He's going to be treated like a surrogate father?

 

[Vixtoria]

I can't count the red flags, but he really sounds more like a cowboy. Talking at only two months about how he is better for you than your husband?? I wouldn't want that talk. I expect everyone loving me to respect the others in my life, at the very least. No one is replacing anyone, and if he doesn't get that, then he's not going to get poly.

The very serious discussion of safe sex and children is one that everyone should have had, and agreed upon. While my bf jokes about having kids with me, he jokes now because he knows that it's taken care of, that we won't be. He'll have kids, and he jokes more now about how I shall spoil them! But he doesn't want to step into those shoes. I have kids. They have a father. That's not his role.

Your boyfriend doesn't want to 'share' you, he wants to rescue you. If he thinks that's what you need, there are two ways I'd handle it.

1. Look and see if you need rescuing. If you do, then rescue yourself!

2. Look and see if you need rescuing. If you don't, then he needs to back off!

Some people need to feel like the hero, the rescuer, with a victim and a villain, in a triangle. It's not your job to break him out of that. It's his job.

 

[katniss93]

Wait, are you sure this is really your husband's child?

Even if you do break up with him, he can still try to assert paternity. So be prepared to deal with that. It sounds like even if you don't break up with him, he will still assert paternity!

My concern isn't with who loves whom. You are grown adults and can deal with it. The child never asked for any of this and deserves to be treated with respect.

I have no idea who the bio father is. It's all about when I conceived. It's either 2 weeks before I met him or two weeks after. Not sure just yet.

I'm not worried about love. I'm worried about him being harmful to my family, legally and emotionally. I just don't know how to push him away when he keeps taking care of me.

 

[london]

What contraception were you and your secondary using? If you used a condom, then it is unlikely he is the father, and I find it weird for him to react like this. It might be a somewhat extreme reaction to being confronted with the reality of having a polyamorous partner. Still, weird.

If it is possible that he is the father of the child because you didn't use contraception, then he should absolutely be able to be a father figure to the child, if he wants to. The complications that brings to your married life are now irrelevant because you chose to increase the chances of conceiving with someone other than your husband. And, possibly unfortunately for you, he seems to have the finances necessary to petition for a paternity test. Many men, sadly, don't have the luxury of being able to prove paternity.

 

[Spock]

I have no idea who the bio father is. It's all about when I conceived. It's either 2 weeks before I met him, or two weeks after. Not sure just yet.

I'm not worried about love. I'm worried about him being harmful to my family, legally and emotionally. I just don't know how to push him away when he keeps taking care of me.

You have a serious problem then, because he can assert paternity, and if he is the father he can also legally force either visitation or outright custody.

 

[london]

I know many judges actually follow the law that most of us have, stating that refusing to allow a child to develop a parental bond with its biological parents is emotionally abusive to said child. Abusive parents usually don't get custody, however.

Katniss, I would really look at ways you are going to allow your boyfriend to be a father, if he is one, rather than cut him out. It will not look favourable on you.

Just imagine if someone were threatening to stop you parenting your unborn baby because you being known as the legal parent would inconvenience their life. Wouldn't you act a bit crazy?

 

[katniss93]

We used condoms. I told him flat out that I was planning to have a family with my husband.

The problem I'm having is how controlling he is being, and I don't think that is healthy for my family, whether he is the father or not. Do I have any obligation to be with him if it is his kid, despite his need to be in control and tell me how my husband isn't good enough for a family?

Do I work it out with someone who tells me all he's done for me is wasted if I tell him when something's wrong? He gets so upset when I tell him about issues in our relationship, that I'm too afraid to tell him how I feel.

And if I do break up with him, and it is his kid, should I let him be in the child's life, regardless of the way he makes me feel in our relationship?

 

[london]

See, if you used a condom, the chances of it being your boyfriend's is very slim. I said before why he might be freaking out, but I wouldn't be, if I were you. It is much more likely to be your husband's kid.

 

[WhatToDo]

It's not really your choice to "allow" him to be in the child's life if he is indeed the biological father. The harder you make things on him the harder he will make things on you.

 

[bookbug]

Given you used condoms, it is unlikely he is the father, but not impossible. If it is his child, then he has rights. You may not have the option of permitting him, or not, to be in your lives. But he does not have to be in your life as your boyfriend. He would be your legal co-parent, nothing more.

His gifts are not gifts, as they are given with strings attached, the buying of your affection. He thinks that when he gives you something, you owe him. This is controlling and not the basis of a healthy relationship. Refuse the gifts. Give back what you can. End it.

 

[Spock]

We used condoms. I told him flat out that I was planning to have a family with my husband.

Then why did you say you didn't know who the father was? You're not helping the situation at all unless you can firmly assert that your husband is the father.

The problem I'm having is how controlling he is being, and I don't think that is healthy for my family, whether he is the father or not. Do I have any obligation to be with him if it is his kid, despite his need to be in control and tell me how my husband isn't good enough for a family?

You have a legal obligation to him if he is the father, but no other obligation. Feel free to break up with him, but don't expect any happy endings at this point. His need to be in control absolutely means you probably don't want to be with him.

Do I work it out with someone who tells me all he's done for me is wasted if I tell him when something's wrong? He gets so upset when I tell him about issues in our relationship, that I'm too afraid to tell him how I feel.

Well, you have three problems to deal with, in no particular order now:
1) The relationship with your husband, as outlined in your first thread.
2) Your relationship with your bf, who wants to be a father.
3) Your unborn child, of whom you claim you don't know who the father is.

If I do break up with him, and it is his kid, should I let him be in the child's life, regardless of the way he makes me feel in our relationship?

You don't really have a choice if he is legally the father.

 

[katniss93]

Should I also be concerned that he is in a legal battle over custody of his daughter from a one night stand and the court ruled that he is an unfit father?

 

[WhatToDo]

You choose to date him.

 

[Spock]

Should I also be concerned that he is in a legal battle over custody of his daughter from a one night stand and the court ruled that he is an unfit father?

Yes, because it means he will likely take you to court to assert paternity if he is already seen to be willing to do so in another situation.

 

[GalaGirl]

Sigh. I am sorry you are going through this.

I can't think of a nicer way to put this. So I apologize if it is hard to hear, ok?


You have been with this man for 2 mos. He sounds like an abusive nutter with all that awful behavior.

Should I also be concerned that he is in a legal battle over custody of his daughter from a one night stand and the court ruled that he is an unfit father?

So the court found him unfit based on evidence in that case. If he ever actually takes you to court for some crazy reason, you can ask your lawyer about examining that related case and how it could help you in building your case. What applies and what does not?

But you don't need to fear going to court. You work all that out with your lawyer at THAT point in time.

I am more concerned about the possibilities at THIS point in time. The time BEFORE court. Who knows if it ever goes to court for anything? Because what stops unstable him from getting a gun? Maybe you never SEE court because he shoots you. That whole "If I cannot have you, nobody can!" wacky?

Normally I go with honesty and ethics. But since you mention ABUSE? If you are concerned for your personal safety? Self preservation and that of your unborn baby comes first.

Could LIE to the nutty BF. To buy you time to assess with a cooler head and with the facts to hand. Tell him whatever to get him off your back so you can have time to do these things for YOU. Maybe you want husband's help in this.

• Could read the control/tactics list. Circle anything else you experience with him. If you have to WONDER if something is abusive? For sure it isn't apple pie! So read the list and circle so you can evaluate how much you deal in here.
• Could quietly get a paternity test on your own to lay that to rest. Hopefully it is husband's after all. You don't have to tell BF you are doing this.
  
• Could consult with women's shelters to get pointed to the local resources you need for dealing with getting an abusive person off your back. They have seen it all and know where to go/what to do.
  
• Could check your laws where you live for who you name as father on the birth certificate (if you name any at all.) Maybe you just don't legally list him as the father even if he is the bio dad. Or you put your husband as the legal father on there. ) Weight out the pros and cons of that if it turns out husband is NOT the father.
  
• Could check your laws where you live for an injunction/restraining order if you think you will need one and the steps to acquire it.
  
• Could figure out what lawyer you want to use and how to go about getting that if you need a formal "cease and desist" letter as part of seeking a restraining order.

Gather your resources and facts together before you tip him off. If he's that unbalanced the last thing you need is him ambushing you.

Right now? He uses various tactics to get you to do what he wants ranging from emotional blackmail to "you owe me" attitude to fear tactics. You don't need to be paranoid all the time forever, but right now? Better safe than sorry.

Healthy people don't behave this way in a 2 mos relationship.

Trying to impregnate you to tie you to him -- sadly, that's another control tactic. Hopefully it is your husband's so at the very least you get that sorted out.

I'm so afraid of breaking up with him because he might take me to court if it is his kid.

Find out on your own if he even has a leg to stand on in court. And pray you get to court! You don't need to fear court.

You could fear HIM. Last thing you and hubby need is a nutter with a gun showing up at your doorstep.

Is this an abusive relationship. How can I get out of it?

If you have to ask? It isn't apple pie!

You get out of it carefully -- with a safety plan. Get help formulating one. (Google safety plan).

Which is why I say lie for now to buy you time to do it all in. Use it get your facts together and educate yourself before you tip him off.

In the meanwhile, don't be alone with him in person. Claim morning sickness or whatever you need to do so you don't have to engage with him much.

Is there any chance of making it work?

He's pushy, over the top, controlling, weird. TWO MONTHS? And he's doing all this? Keep away! Don't think about making it work.

You post because you want to break up with him and are trying to figure out how. So stick to your want and form the plan.

Could think about getting away safely instead.

My husband keeps telling me I should break up with him because he's worried that he will try to control the family, control me, and make life miserable for our family.

He is correct to worry. BF sounds unstable. Def break up.

Just make the plan for HOW to break up.

But I don't feel strong enough because every time i try I end up crying so bad I can't speak, and then he tells me he'll do anything for me and I am to weak to tell him to leave.

Making it emotionally hard to leave is another tactic. Could read up on the tactics.

If in person is hard (and I don't suggest it anyway -- gun remember?) don't do it in face time when you break up with him. Could just move on and don't contact him at all. Just change your phone and not reply to his contacting you.

Could stop trying to "do the nice thing" and break up in face time. Once abuse enters the picture you do not HAVE to be nice, pleasant, agreeable, friendly. You are not obligated to be kind to a person who trespasses upon you over and over -- buying you things you don't want, down talking your husband, playing emotional games with you, insinuating himself in your life, threatening you with court, paternity tests, custody battles, etc. You owe him nothing. It is not physical abuse at this point, but that is not the only kind of abuse. There's emotional abuse, mental abuse , psychological abuse, etc.

If he can't deal with disappointment appropriately like a healthy adult? That's his problem. BUT because he's seeming unstable it could become your problem if he decides to pull a stunt to harm you. Keep away, and be careful.

If you are in an abusive, controlling relationship? The leaving time can be a dangerous time. Get some information first on how to protect yourself before you set that in motion. But DO set it in motion.

I wouldn't wish abuse on anyone but if that is what you have going on here... could take a deep breath and figure out how deal with it appropriately by tapping into your local resources. This isn't something internet people can help you solve.

Again, I am sorry you endure this.

GL!
Galagirl

 

[Dagferi]

I agree with others the BF sounds like a fruit cake.

On the other hand why in the name of gods little green apples are you dating such a man. Bluntly you picked him and decided to date this man. Now you may have a nasty legal battle aheadof you.

Next time be careful who you bring into your life and sleep with. And pray he is not you baby's father. Because you will be stuck with him forever.