Rebalancing

[Asparagus]

So, having recently broken up with my triad, I'm finding that it has all sorts of implications from my remaining relationship, with Django. There are all sorts of wonderful things about that- we're both super-horny, well-matched personality-wise, talk things out easily, and can talk forever about the same sort of abstract stuff. We even have/had similar careers, which we surprised ourself with not talking about for months because we had limited time, and deeper needs.

I'm finding, though, that the dynamic is shifting with me not having a primary.

One of the reasons our relationship worked so well is we both had fulfilling primary relationships, and could just meet needs for sex and a different kind of companionship. In that order. And I'm having a hard time putting my finger on what, but that changes with the shift to me not having some of those needs met- basically someone or someone's really deeply involved in all my day- to -day stuff. And the part- time nature of our relationship with no full- time one in mine.

Plus, it shifts the security. I *can* do poly, but I don't have to. I am looking for a primary partner, but whether that's poly or mono, I don't care. Except I want to make sure I treat Django well. But we both recognize as deep and good and primary-feeling as our relationship is, because he is married ( to a mono wife) and has a family, it is limited practically. He just wants for me to be happy, and both of us would be thrilled if that includes him. But my need and want for a primary partner is a big part of my happiness scheme, and it soberingly changes the security of my relationship with Django.

I guess I'm hoping for some BTDT. When a relationship was SO good because it met missing needs in a primary relationship, and then the primary relationship failed- does anyone have success stories with that? Or advice? Or help articulating just what feels shaky about this?

 

[kdt26417]

Obviously you have had the rug pulled out from under you if you have lost your primary partner, so no wonder you are feeling shaky. I guess my advice would be to continue to see Django, not changing anything in that area unless he somehow becomes able to make you a co-primary along with his wife. After all, you and Django have a good relationship, why be in a hurry to discard it in the middle of a bunch of other upheaval.

Now if you find a primary partner but they are monogamous and want you to be monogamous, I guess you can revisit the Django issue at that time. But right now, I would say don't cross that bridge unless/until you get to it. For all you know your next primary partner might be perfectly willing to have you continue to see Django.

Hope that helps, sorry I don't have much experience in that area.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[WhatHappened]

XBF said, almost from the first time we went out, and he told me about his marriage and polyamory, that there are virtually always problems with a married person dating an otherwise-single person.

It seemed to me pretty obvious even at the time why that would be.

Not what you want to hear, I'm sure, but the fact is, he's committed more to someone else than he is to you. When you had someone else you trusted to always have your back first, that was okay. You each put someone else first if need be. But now there's an imbalance.

Yes, my relationship was SO good with XBF, that the 'break up' was very hard, very drawn out. Neither of us wanted to let go of all the good. But the fact is, when his wife forced him into a corner, forced him, in a sense, to choose, he chose her. He didn't have my back. And no, that's not acceptable to me. I'm not someone's seconds or leftovers or a fill-in to entertain him while she's out dating other men. She wasn't wiling to let me be a real person or let him really love me, he wasn't willing to insist on her backing down, and I wasn't willing to be her doormat.

He knew this from the start, but hoped somehow it would be different with him, with her, with me. In rare cases, it is different, but I think if your BF's wife is mono, there's going to be even greater fear on her part than on my BF's wife's part.

Just my experience. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[IndieSolo]

I don't rank my relationships. I also don't want that kind of primary-type totally entwined partnership. Nor do I get involved with people who would consider me a secondary behind other they are involved with. I wish more polyfolk realized it doesn't have to be done that way. I like to treat all guys I see as equally important in my life, because they are.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I don't rank my relationships. I also don't want that kind of primary-type totally entwined partnership. Nor do I get involved with people who would consider me a secondary behind other they are involved with. I wish more polyfolk realized it doesn't have to be done that way. I like to treat all guys I see as equally important in my life, because they are.

Yes, and from the other side, I'm married and never get into a tug of war over who needs me more. Every person I'm intimate with is valued and nobody pulls that "prove you love me more" crap in my world. It's possible to be with people who do not rank their relationships and therefor will not put you in line in front of or behind anybody. If you assign a hierarchy to relationships, you'll tend to orbit up with people who will assign a ranking to you.

When a relationship was SO good because it met missing needs in a primary relationship, and then the primary relationship failed- does anyone have success stories with that? Or advice? Or help articulating just what feels shaky about this?

What is shaky about what you're describing is that your inner security is based on needing a "primary" to fulfill "needs." I'd encourage you to not look for another person to fill that giant hole of need, but to ponder the option of stepping back. Focus on the individuals that come into your life, appreciate what they have to offer, enjoy being together, allow the relationships to live and breathe and be open to wherever they go. Looking for a "primary" to fulfill your needs is a set up for disappointment and never ending needs. That is why What Happened says, "that there are virtually always problems with a married person dating an otherwise-single person." It's not the married part that is the problem, it's the hierarchy perspective which often goes hand in hand with the "fill my needs" perspective, both of which are set-ups for constant drama over who is winning or losing in the "prove you love me" game.

 

[GalaGirl]

Let me repeat that back so I know I got it. You correct me if I am wrong.

You broke up with your primary.
Django was your secondary.

Now that you are looking for a new primary, you are open to dating a person who wants to poly or a person who wants to mono.

• If they are mono, it means a break up with Django. He's ok with that, he just wants you to be happy.
  
• If they are poly, then Django would be happy to continue to participate in a new polyship.

Right now you are fresh from a break up. You are worrying in advance that it might mean a break up with Django at some point too. That causes you to feel shaky. You do not like feeling shaky.

So... why spend time thinking this Django break up stuff in advance? Could you be willing to heal from the break up without stressing about Django stuff that isn't here yet? Or if you want it less likely to come, could you be willing to take dating mono people off the table?

What's your desired outcome?

Galagirl