Does your wife WANT to get help with this (which seems to fit with Twelve Steps), or will she do it mostly to placate you?
Clearly, you feel that it's vital to get counseling ASAP.
Therefore, go find a good therapist, PERIOD. If you feel there's hostility toward nonmonogamy, then go try another one.
Nobody in their right mind would expect a therapist to pull a miracle out of his/her metaphoric butt in the first visit... or second... or fifth. And only an idiot would walk away if some tiny grain of great advice DOES appear.
If you NEED a doctor, then you go to clinic, maybe the ER, possibly call an ambulance. You probably DON'T make plans to sit down & Yelp the doctors in your area.
You get your diagnosis... you get treated... you take the pills... you do the exercises... you stop the destructive habits... you check back in with the doctor to verify that you are indeed making progress & aren't simply self-deluding... then you KEEP doing healthy stuff.
Often, "poly friendly" is a dodge to avoid getting professional help, a kinda Romanticist "looking for The Perfect One" thing.
It also runs the risk of someone who is "in the Poly Church" & will advise people clearly unsuited for nonmonogamy to "stick with it" even when it's emotionally unhealthy for them.
You are a key element in a troubled relationship. You are willing to diagnose your wife. What steps have you taken to get professional help for YOURSELF to shake off the bad habits you've picked up to "support" your wife when she was sunk deep?
