JonValjean
New member
Hi everyone!
Thanks for being here and for reading this!
I will be as brief as possible, however I am opening up in a major way here, with the hopes that you will relate your experience and thus lend me some much needed awareness and community.
I'm a straight male, new to the forum, and not exactly new to polyamory, although that is loosely relative and perhaps what I seek is to broaden my perspective in order to have a better grasp on my own life and how I relate to others.
Let me start with some examples of my poly experiences and work out from there...
I understand the concept of serial monogamy as the dominant relationship trend. I believe in marriage as a sacred union, and before I truly considered responsible relationships I imagine that shortsidedness and close mindedness governed my relationships. After some hard lessons I began to openly accept reality as being poly (at least compassionate and responsible reality in an ideal sense).
So I began presenting this idea in relationships as a gesture of respect and confidence for myself and my partner(s). As with anything, having an ideal does not suggest that ideal circumstances are all that take place. With very few exceptions, my relationships made train wrecks look bearable. Even in the exceptions, my partners would be gone before long, though they had the respect to do so with integrity and compassion.
As for me, I generally do not prospect around when I am in a serious relationship where commitments and resources have been intermingled. I generally offer the poly viewpoint to my partner when I notice them struggling to control their promiscuity. This has most times backfired on me, perhaps because of the personality of my partner, who had no conceptual intent of a lasting healthy relationship, sexual or not, and the result for me when the partner makes an exit has varied from getting a solid beat down from them out of the blue, to having their side lovers break in and fight me, and so forth. Now, let me clarify that I am by no means perfect, however I believe if we find flaws in others or differences, we can and should make adjustments to how we relate in a compassionate and nonviolent manner. I think you will agree that doing otherwise suggests a severe personality flaw and lack of maturity to say the least.
The exceptions for my relationships have been beautiful and woefully short lived. On rare occasion I might hook up with a woman and have fabulous chemistry, conversational and conjugally speaking, though for various reasons these encounters would not last longer than a night or two before we never saw each other again. I travel a lot, so there's a reason, my resources fluctuate, and also perhaps their appetite changed or was unchanged as it were. I have had one "poly" relationship to speak of, but even though we had other lovers and even had a magnificent threesome, we lacked foundation and shared no tangible resources, we were just chemically therapeutic to each other at work and occasionally in the bedroom. For other reasons we both changed jobs, and she moved on. So much was gained and so little lost in our relationship that I feel this to be the best example I have of almost doing things right, but I often wonder if I could've done something different to stay in her life.
Since then I've been on some rollercoasters. In fact I became very opposed to a sexual relationship at all for two years, mainly because the mother of my children, whom I love no matter what, and who inspired me to learn about polyamory indirectly as a possible solution to our situation, found the most divisive and demeaning ways to repay my tolerance and compassion. My fault for making a family with this person, I know, but I was young and naive and believed my compassion could overcome her abuse. She was never monogamous nor willing to be responsibly non monogamous, and that's just scratching the surface. After severe damage was done to me physically, emotionally and socially, I had to make drastic changes to protect myself. So I moved and let two years pass.
My next relationship I really tried to avoid. I was abrupt about my poly beliefs, and to me that includes being responsible to ones self and a primary partnership. I held off sex for as long as I could but she persisted past my boundaries. Honestly I wanted the friendship and resource sharing to develop responsibly before getting laid but I eventually caved to her persistence. She was sexually active with other men, but I had not met a woman whom I was so attracted to her personality before, at least not an available one, and I did not want to lose her. We became very close and were more or less exclusive for a year. I proposed and she wore the ring, I took time for her family and so forth, and did my best to give her space when her wild side flared. She would tell me later that she planned the violent ugly break up, though I never understood why. I would venture that it was her fear of commitment coupled with new opportunities and a dash of a really difficult childhood. Save to say that it was not a pretty scene. It was on the heels of her birth mothers passing, whom she first met with me (as an adult, she was a foster child). I tried to be available and compassionate, but it was like a switch went off and her feelings stopped, not to mention that beating the f#&k out of me in public is intolerable. Anyway that was a year ago. I haven't been sexual or dated at all since.
I'm honest with myself about my need for a partner and/or sexual activity. I'm healthy and athletic, not poor or rich, and generally find people who genuinely enjoy my company. However, some of the train wreck breakups have really left an impression on me. Now, its difficult for me to approach the idea of dating. There is a feeling that perhaps everyone (especially women) hate and despise me. If I meet someone who can be affectionate towards me, I feel it is solely for the purpose of taking resources from me until it is more suitable to make a scene out of dumping me. I know there is a better viewpoint and position than this, I just do not know how to arrive there. Celibacy seems like an option yet I do not believe it is truly what will nourish my body and spirit.
I am sure most of you have experienced things you could relate to this. I value your advice and experience, as I move forward in life to find the partner or partners who will honor themselves and me as well. How do I find such a human? Where do I look? I see potential everywhere yet do I move too slowly or too quickly? Am I too concerned with finding lasting attachment? Should I shift into one-nighters? I know what I want, its just all theory or fairytales to me at this point, and I want the community to want it for me.
Polyamory is a huge concept to me. In my understanding it is a conscious and compassionate choice that does not mandate nor rule out additional partners. It is an idea I present to offer freedom and support to the moods and manners in any potential partner. Seasons change, and more than anything I am grateful there is a community of people who strive to make healthier more conscious choices to love more and love better. Your presence and energy nurtures my growth, and I hope mine does the same for you. Being able to open up this way is healing for my bones, I am not the type to discuss these topics with anyone. Realistically it seems I must if I mean to overcome the obstacles in this portion of my life. Thanks for your attention and input. Forgive me for licking old wounds.
Cheers
JonValjean
Austin,TX
Thanks for being here and for reading this!
I will be as brief as possible, however I am opening up in a major way here, with the hopes that you will relate your experience and thus lend me some much needed awareness and community.
I'm a straight male, new to the forum, and not exactly new to polyamory, although that is loosely relative and perhaps what I seek is to broaden my perspective in order to have a better grasp on my own life and how I relate to others.
Let me start with some examples of my poly experiences and work out from there...
I understand the concept of serial monogamy as the dominant relationship trend. I believe in marriage as a sacred union, and before I truly considered responsible relationships I imagine that shortsidedness and close mindedness governed my relationships. After some hard lessons I began to openly accept reality as being poly (at least compassionate and responsible reality in an ideal sense).
So I began presenting this idea in relationships as a gesture of respect and confidence for myself and my partner(s). As with anything, having an ideal does not suggest that ideal circumstances are all that take place. With very few exceptions, my relationships made train wrecks look bearable. Even in the exceptions, my partners would be gone before long, though they had the respect to do so with integrity and compassion.
As for me, I generally do not prospect around when I am in a serious relationship where commitments and resources have been intermingled. I generally offer the poly viewpoint to my partner when I notice them struggling to control their promiscuity. This has most times backfired on me, perhaps because of the personality of my partner, who had no conceptual intent of a lasting healthy relationship, sexual or not, and the result for me when the partner makes an exit has varied from getting a solid beat down from them out of the blue, to having their side lovers break in and fight me, and so forth. Now, let me clarify that I am by no means perfect, however I believe if we find flaws in others or differences, we can and should make adjustments to how we relate in a compassionate and nonviolent manner. I think you will agree that doing otherwise suggests a severe personality flaw and lack of maturity to say the least.
The exceptions for my relationships have been beautiful and woefully short lived. On rare occasion I might hook up with a woman and have fabulous chemistry, conversational and conjugally speaking, though for various reasons these encounters would not last longer than a night or two before we never saw each other again. I travel a lot, so there's a reason, my resources fluctuate, and also perhaps their appetite changed or was unchanged as it were. I have had one "poly" relationship to speak of, but even though we had other lovers and even had a magnificent threesome, we lacked foundation and shared no tangible resources, we were just chemically therapeutic to each other at work and occasionally in the bedroom. For other reasons we both changed jobs, and she moved on. So much was gained and so little lost in our relationship that I feel this to be the best example I have of almost doing things right, but I often wonder if I could've done something different to stay in her life.
Since then I've been on some rollercoasters. In fact I became very opposed to a sexual relationship at all for two years, mainly because the mother of my children, whom I love no matter what, and who inspired me to learn about polyamory indirectly as a possible solution to our situation, found the most divisive and demeaning ways to repay my tolerance and compassion. My fault for making a family with this person, I know, but I was young and naive and believed my compassion could overcome her abuse. She was never monogamous nor willing to be responsibly non monogamous, and that's just scratching the surface. After severe damage was done to me physically, emotionally and socially, I had to make drastic changes to protect myself. So I moved and let two years pass.
My next relationship I really tried to avoid. I was abrupt about my poly beliefs, and to me that includes being responsible to ones self and a primary partnership. I held off sex for as long as I could but she persisted past my boundaries. Honestly I wanted the friendship and resource sharing to develop responsibly before getting laid but I eventually caved to her persistence. She was sexually active with other men, but I had not met a woman whom I was so attracted to her personality before, at least not an available one, and I did not want to lose her. We became very close and were more or less exclusive for a year. I proposed and she wore the ring, I took time for her family and so forth, and did my best to give her space when her wild side flared. She would tell me later that she planned the violent ugly break up, though I never understood why. I would venture that it was her fear of commitment coupled with new opportunities and a dash of a really difficult childhood. Save to say that it was not a pretty scene. It was on the heels of her birth mothers passing, whom she first met with me (as an adult, she was a foster child). I tried to be available and compassionate, but it was like a switch went off and her feelings stopped, not to mention that beating the f#&k out of me in public is intolerable. Anyway that was a year ago. I haven't been sexual or dated at all since.
I'm honest with myself about my need for a partner and/or sexual activity. I'm healthy and athletic, not poor or rich, and generally find people who genuinely enjoy my company. However, some of the train wreck breakups have really left an impression on me. Now, its difficult for me to approach the idea of dating. There is a feeling that perhaps everyone (especially women) hate and despise me. If I meet someone who can be affectionate towards me, I feel it is solely for the purpose of taking resources from me until it is more suitable to make a scene out of dumping me. I know there is a better viewpoint and position than this, I just do not know how to arrive there. Celibacy seems like an option yet I do not believe it is truly what will nourish my body and spirit.
I am sure most of you have experienced things you could relate to this. I value your advice and experience, as I move forward in life to find the partner or partners who will honor themselves and me as well. How do I find such a human? Where do I look? I see potential everywhere yet do I move too slowly or too quickly? Am I too concerned with finding lasting attachment? Should I shift into one-nighters? I know what I want, its just all theory or fairytales to me at this point, and I want the community to want it for me.
Polyamory is a huge concept to me. In my understanding it is a conscious and compassionate choice that does not mandate nor rule out additional partners. It is an idea I present to offer freedom and support to the moods and manners in any potential partner. Seasons change, and more than anything I am grateful there is a community of people who strive to make healthier more conscious choices to love more and love better. Your presence and energy nurtures my growth, and I hope mine does the same for you. Being able to open up this way is healing for my bones, I am not the type to discuss these topics with anyone. Realistically it seems I must if I mean to overcome the obstacles in this portion of my life. Thanks for your attention and input. Forgive me for licking old wounds.
Cheers
JonValjean
Austin,TX
Is this a self esteem issue? 