My bf and I started our relationship both wanting it to be open to other partners. We have both been dating other people, however, I am looking for other relationships while he is mostly interested in casual sex, mostly one night stands. I'm having difficulty with this because I see sex as a very important intimate act that requires trust and emotional care. I will have FWB type relationships, but they are always with people that I care for and involve emotional intimacy. I fear that my bf is using me as his gf to make himself be seen as a person in a stable relationship to the outside world, but in actuality doesn't really care for me. I think the fear comes from seeing people who sleep around as people that can not form meaningful attachments. I know that that is not true logically because I know that swingers can and do form very caring relationships, but the fear is still there. He does everything to make me feel secure and does a lot of work to form a strong relationship with me so I don't know what I else I could ask from him that he doesn't already give me. It's like a visceral, illogical fear that I can't shake. Has anyone had a similar problem that has advice on how to get over it or at least lessen it? I care for him and I don't want to ruin our otherwise perfect relationship.
Relationship between Poly and Swinger
- Thread starter Raye
- Start date
anamikanon
New member
What behaviors of his do you use to justify this interpretation to yourself?
Fear usually comes from your unconscious. It is protective in nature. Do you fear that you are casual as well for him? I think you should talk to him about it. Understand his perspective and observe his behaviors till they validate or invalidate the fear.
Logic has little to do with the subconscious. And yet, the subconscious can operate on a lot more information than what the conscious mind has noticed. Sometimes the fears it raises can be irrational. In such a case, they will disperse when examined. Other times, they will persist and eventually the conscious mind will become aware of things not noticed before that justify them.
In either case, it will take more examining of the fears rather than looking at the situation only logically as you are doing now and arriving at conclusions with information you already possess. This basically means you will arrive at the same conclusion, effectively dismissing your unconscious warnings. It won't resolve them, but you will learn to ignore them, which is an inferior way of utilizing a somewhat resourceful alarm.
A good way to understand the fear is "What could happen?" "What action of his triggers an alarm that it could escalate in a way you don't want?" etc - pinpointing it. Then examining to see what information you can collect about it. Including conversations with him and observations of him.
Why do his efforts not convince you? Do they contradict something you know or experience or perceive or suspect or....
Why do you think *you* could ruin your otherwise perfect relationship, when your stated fear is that he doesn't actually care for you? Is it that you perceive that if you question him too much, he will dismiss you rather than answer you?
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Hi Raye,
Before figuring out how to squelch your misgivings, I suggest you try to decide whether your misgivings are trying to warn you of a real danger. Your boyfriend is interested in casual sex ... Does that mean he sees you as a sex machine and nothing more? Something to think about.
Regards,
Kevin T.
Before figuring out how to squelch your misgivings, I suggest you try to decide whether your misgivings are trying to warn you of a real danger. Your boyfriend is interested in casual sex ... Does that mean he sees you as a sex machine and nothing more? Something to think about.
Regards,
Kevin T.
Shaya
New member
Hi Raye,
The answer to your question, I believe, may hinge upon what does your boyfriend do to show you he loves you? Take away the sex thing with other women - that's irrelevant for the next few questions. What in his actions show love? What in his actions show he does not love you?
Sex for men is different than sex for women. But his actions in regards to showing love for you outside of sexual acts will tell you whether he loves you or not.
The answer to your question, I believe, may hinge upon what does your boyfriend do to show you he loves you? Take away the sex thing with other women - that's irrelevant for the next few questions. What in his actions show love? What in his actions show he does not love you?
Sex for men is different than sex for women. But his actions in regards to showing love for you outside of sexual acts will tell you whether he loves you or not.
After reviewing the evidence, my sub-conscious, and talking with him and observation I believe that he truly cares for me because he spends a lot of time building the relationship outside of sex, is clearly distrout about my concerns, and I feel that he is genuine in his expression of care which has built slowly over time. I think that my subconscious is bring some valid concerns up in the back of my mind. I will move forward with open eyes and pay attention to both good signs and potential warnings but I believe he loves me.
Thank you all!
Thank you all!
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Shaya
New member
Glad you're happier now Raye. I think sex is just bloody complex. Clearly, most consider it a big part of any romantic relationship. But sometimes, men can enjoy alone sex or masturbation too, perhaps to an image or fantasy that does not involve someone we love. If we can accept that sometimes we may prefer to masturbate to an image or fantasy in the absence of love, then maybe having one night stands is not so different?
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
Who boy - that's a stretch, Shaya!!
Shaya
That is my concern.....that he's using people for masturbation. I question the integrity of someone who can do that. I masturbate, sure......but I don't use people to do it. It all hinges really on whether they are masturbating with him too or whether they get hurt sometimes. He said sex with us is intimate for him and is not with the other ladies. Even if he is good to me i still wonder if he hurts others.
That is my concern.....that he's using people for masturbation. I question the integrity of someone who can do that. I masturbate, sure......but I don't use people to do it. It all hinges really on whether they are masturbating with him too or whether they get hurt sometimes. He said sex with us is intimate for him and is not with the other ladies. Even if he is good to me i still wonder if he hurts others.
breathemusic
Active member
But you worrying that he's using people means that you're assuming that even though the sex isn't intimate for him, that it's intimate for the women. Realistically, if he's having casual sex with someone or a 1 night stand, the other person knows exactly what it is and also is wanting something that isn't intimate. So more than likely, both parties are "using" each other mutually.
As a woman, I can say unequivocally that while I don't *do* it very often, I can have non-intimate, just for fun/pleasure sex, that both parties know exactly what they're doing. I *prefer* to do this in the context of established FWB, but I could certainly see it happening as a one-night stand were I ever in a context where a one-night stand seemed like a good idea.
And I still have very intimate sex with my long-term lover, and with my husband. So there's that.
opalescent
Active member
Given your posts, I think this is an internal re-framing issue. He seems to be putting in the work and showing you love and care.
Look at this discomfort as an opportunity to really look very closely at your own attitudes, expectations and ideas about sex.
Once place to look at is the chain of attitudes and what that means to you.
Basically, you see sex as something that needs to be the context of a relationship of some kind, that has to have some kind of emotional connection. Sex and feelings are deeply intertwined for you. You don't want sex without that context. Your boyfriend sounds like he is capable of and enjoys having emotionally connected sex with you and maybe others. He also likes casual sex and doesn't need an emotional connection to want or enjoy sex. Does this seem accurate?
Neither of you are wrong. You just have different ways of experiencing sex and the meanings you attach to sex. This is actually really common. Some people really can only have sex when there is a connection of some sort. And others are totally fine with a lack of emotional attachment and sex. Others meander somewhere between these two poles. (That's where I am.)
Consider a train metaphor. You currently have several 'cars' of thought and feelings all linked together. You start with 'my partner likes meaningless/not intimate sex' (Car 1) tied to 'meaningless sex means you don't care about who you are having sex with' (Car 2) which is linked to 'my partner does not really care about me' (Car 3).
None of these cars have to be connected. In fact, Car 3 is not even true from what you've posted. (Car 2 can be true but just as often not.) If you can halt the 'train' and uncouple all these cars, that might help you.
It might be helpful to think of this as a project for yourself to get to a place where you accept how you feel about sex, and how he feels about sex as both legitimate for each other. Again, you are not wrong and neither is he. You don't even need to fully understand why he thinks of sex this way to accept it. (I find it helpful to try and understand but it's not necessary.)
I'm not saying this is easy. A good therapist would be very helpful for this work. I believe you will find that it's linked to some very deeply held ideas about who you are and who you should be. You might need to examine how and what your family taught you about these ideas (and families do, even if they never directly say a word about sex or relationships).
Best of luck!
Look at this discomfort as an opportunity to really look very closely at your own attitudes, expectations and ideas about sex.
Once place to look at is the chain of attitudes and what that means to you.
Basically, you see sex as something that needs to be the context of a relationship of some kind, that has to have some kind of emotional connection. Sex and feelings are deeply intertwined for you. You don't want sex without that context. Your boyfriend sounds like he is capable of and enjoys having emotionally connected sex with you and maybe others. He also likes casual sex and doesn't need an emotional connection to want or enjoy sex. Does this seem accurate?
Neither of you are wrong. You just have different ways of experiencing sex and the meanings you attach to sex. This is actually really common. Some people really can only have sex when there is a connection of some sort. And others are totally fine with a lack of emotional attachment and sex. Others meander somewhere between these two poles. (That's where I am.)
Consider a train metaphor. You currently have several 'cars' of thought and feelings all linked together. You start with 'my partner likes meaningless/not intimate sex' (Car 1) tied to 'meaningless sex means you don't care about who you are having sex with' (Car 2) which is linked to 'my partner does not really care about me' (Car 3).
None of these cars have to be connected. In fact, Car 3 is not even true from what you've posted. (Car 2 can be true but just as often not.) If you can halt the 'train' and uncouple all these cars, that might help you.
It might be helpful to think of this as a project for yourself to get to a place where you accept how you feel about sex, and how he feels about sex as both legitimate for each other. Again, you are not wrong and neither is he. You don't even need to fully understand why he thinks of sex this way to accept it. (I find it helpful to try and understand but it's not necessary.)
I'm not saying this is easy. A good therapist would be very helpful for this work. I believe you will find that it's linked to some very deeply held ideas about who you are and who you should be. You might need to examine how and what your family taught you about these ideas (and families do, even if they never directly say a word about sex or relationships).
Best of luck!
I think I've had a minor revelation about why I'm having trouble trusting that he is a good person capable of caring for someone else (me). I think perhaps that since I feel used when I have casual sex (which is why I don't do it) I assume that the women he's with do too. Maybe i feel that he's using them in a way that is making them unhappy because I would feel that way. But if they are enjoying themselves too, then this is not the case. I'm sure that they are unless one sneaks in there that is like me and hasn't figured out that she should not do that yet, which is not his fault obviously. My own need for intimacy with sex revolves around past sexual trauma. Maybe I am projecting my screwed up feelings about sex onto these unknown ladies thinking that they would react like me and he is somehow hurting them when in reality they are probably not trauma victims that are easily re-traumatized by sex and thus need a lot of trust and care beforehand.
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Spork
Active member
Hi, Raye!
It sounds like you are doing some good self work. I would, if I were you, ask him to be patient while you work through some things and process. I also advise that you consider journaling or blogging (such as we do in our blog threads here) if you don't already.
This is, in my experience, exactly the kind of thing that shines light on scary stuff buried in the deep Self where you need to dig it out and learn to live with it.
You have recognized that you have bad feelings about something. But there is a conflict, because I sense that you do not believe it is ABSOLUTELY OBJECTIVELY WRONG what he is doing, right? So you have a conflict. You can't say, "I'm upset because you are doing this bad, wrong thing." You know there is more to it, and that deep down it is YOUR thing to figure out, where that icky feeling comes from.
This is gonna sound really familiar to people who know about the thing I have struggled with.
See, I feel the same way about porn. Knowing that my lover enjoys it still sometimes gives me a discomfort, even though I've been working on this. Yet...I don't hate porn, or think people should not enjoy it. I doubt you would objectively go around saying people should not have casual sex if everyone involved wants to. This is not a moral judgment.
Here's the important part... Unless I'm quite mistaken, the problem is not that you doubt his love or his ability to love. You doubt and question your own ability to BE LOVABLE. The issue isn't in the signals he is sending you, it's in your receiving them and trusting them, hearing him over your own gremlins.
Because in past experience, people have used sex to hurt you, I am guessing, but you will need to do the work to find what is REALLY behind these triggers. In a way, even though it's hard, you should thank him for helping you, because if you work through this, it's powerful mighty growth and it will make you stronger, even though it hurts and it's hard.
Personally, not only was my sexuality used to shame and hurt me in the past, but my attachment to my parents as a small child was not the best. Underneath my trigger was the fear that nobody really truly wants to put in the effort of dealing with me, in all my human imperfection...I am disappointingly imperfect. The women of porn are not real, which means that my lover prefers that which is not real, and it must be because fantasy is perfect and he doesn't have to listen to them talk about their troubles...they lack the human flaws I have...and being disappointing, means being abandoned.
And here I've got this wonderful man, and we are so in love, and he shows it so clearly...I don't really doubt him, you can't fake the things he is doing to show his love for me. But I still in certain times get those mean little self doubts that poke at me. They come from me, not from him.
I've cracked open that nasty little piece of clockwork, but I have not ~quite~ managed to make all the gears stop spinning yet. I'm working on it still.
Expect this to take time. Ask him for patience. And go easy on yourself. That is my advice. Whether I am right or wrong, in my analysis here, I hope you find peace and a comfortable place to be with this stuff.
Best wishes.
It sounds like you are doing some good self work. I would, if I were you, ask him to be patient while you work through some things and process. I also advise that you consider journaling or blogging (such as we do in our blog threads here) if you don't already.
This is, in my experience, exactly the kind of thing that shines light on scary stuff buried in the deep Self where you need to dig it out and learn to live with it.
You have recognized that you have bad feelings about something. But there is a conflict, because I sense that you do not believe it is ABSOLUTELY OBJECTIVELY WRONG what he is doing, right? So you have a conflict. You can't say, "I'm upset because you are doing this bad, wrong thing." You know there is more to it, and that deep down it is YOUR thing to figure out, where that icky feeling comes from.
This is gonna sound really familiar to people who know about the thing I have struggled with.
See, I feel the same way about porn. Knowing that my lover enjoys it still sometimes gives me a discomfort, even though I've been working on this. Yet...I don't hate porn, or think people should not enjoy it. I doubt you would objectively go around saying people should not have casual sex if everyone involved wants to. This is not a moral judgment.
Here's the important part... Unless I'm quite mistaken, the problem is not that you doubt his love or his ability to love. You doubt and question your own ability to BE LOVABLE. The issue isn't in the signals he is sending you, it's in your receiving them and trusting them, hearing him over your own gremlins.
Because in past experience, people have used sex to hurt you, I am guessing, but you will need to do the work to find what is REALLY behind these triggers. In a way, even though it's hard, you should thank him for helping you, because if you work through this, it's powerful mighty growth and it will make you stronger, even though it hurts and it's hard.
Personally, not only was my sexuality used to shame and hurt me in the past, but my attachment to my parents as a small child was not the best. Underneath my trigger was the fear that nobody really truly wants to put in the effort of dealing with me, in all my human imperfection...I am disappointingly imperfect. The women of porn are not real, which means that my lover prefers that which is not real, and it must be because fantasy is perfect and he doesn't have to listen to them talk about their troubles...they lack the human flaws I have...and being disappointing, means being abandoned.
And here I've got this wonderful man, and we are so in love, and he shows it so clearly...I don't really doubt him, you can't fake the things he is doing to show his love for me. But I still in certain times get those mean little self doubts that poke at me. They come from me, not from him.
I've cracked open that nasty little piece of clockwork, but I have not ~quite~ managed to make all the gears stop spinning yet. I'm working on it still.
Expect this to take time. Ask him for patience. And go easy on yourself. That is my advice. Whether I am right or wrong, in my analysis here, I hope you find peace and a comfortable place to be with this stuff.
Best wishes.
Spork,
I definitely have abandonment issues and feelings of being unlovable. Like there is something so flawed about myself that no one is capable of loving me, especially if they get to know me. I have put up major barriers to letting people close to me in the past thinking that I have to hide who I am. Overall, I feel like I'm not good enough to have other people's love. I've been working on this really hard in therapy and I am working through it little baby steps at a time and sometimes it feels like two steps forward and 1 step back (sometimes even 2 steps forward 2 back!) It's tough trying to heal from parental abuse and neglect when I feel like there must be something terribly wrong with me for not even my parents to care for me, but even though my eyes are open now to why I feel the way I do, deep down true healing is difficult and I still face major insecurity. I talked to my bf about this and he has been very supportive. I have felt very grateful for his helping me heal and grow. I suppose maybe I should tell him that. I have felt often on the verge of tears when I think how far I have come with his support while I am working through my demons.
I definitely have abandonment issues and feelings of being unlovable. Like there is something so flawed about myself that no one is capable of loving me, especially if they get to know me. I have put up major barriers to letting people close to me in the past thinking that I have to hide who I am. Overall, I feel like I'm not good enough to have other people's love. I've been working on this really hard in therapy and I am working through it little baby steps at a time and sometimes it feels like two steps forward and 1 step back (sometimes even 2 steps forward 2 back!) It's tough trying to heal from parental abuse and neglect when I feel like there must be something terribly wrong with me for not even my parents to care for me, but even though my eyes are open now to why I feel the way I do, deep down true healing is difficult and I still face major insecurity. I talked to my bf about this and he has been very supportive. I have felt very grateful for his helping me heal and grow. I suppose maybe I should tell him that. I have felt often on the verge of tears when I think how far I have come with his support while I am working through my demons.
Shaya
New member
Hi Raye,
Thanks for clarifying your backstory. The childhood you went through sounds like an experience you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. I don't want to pick at old scars - I'm sure you think about it often enough without reminders but I feel that the abuse and abandonment you experienced in childhood is something that impacts the way love is being perceived in adulthood. I feel that this may be the crux of the issue you're struggling with in adulthood. If you have a counsellor you are with who helps you at the moment, can I ask if you have discussed non monogamy with them and what your counsellor's thoughts are regarding you and non monogamy as a relationship style for you?
My concern is as follows. You seem like you're struggling because he is having sexual but not emotional relationships with others. My concern is how you imagine yourself coping if he were to find himself head over heels in love with someone else? Many people in your shoes whose partner does this for the first time feel abandoned and the more abandonment fears we have in us, the worse this lonely experience tends to be.
I sometimes find that the help on these forums can be a two-edged sword - sometimes helpful and sometimes just plain insulting. If my advice falls in the latter category, please let me know and you have my full apologies for misunderstanding your situation. But I hope something in what I've said has been helpful. In particular, I hope that your counsellor will be able to help you unpack this more so that you get the answers you need and start to feel more secure in your relationship.
Best wishes,
Shaya.
Thanks for clarifying your backstory. The childhood you went through sounds like an experience you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. I don't want to pick at old scars - I'm sure you think about it often enough without reminders but I feel that the abuse and abandonment you experienced in childhood is something that impacts the way love is being perceived in adulthood. I feel that this may be the crux of the issue you're struggling with in adulthood. If you have a counsellor you are with who helps you at the moment, can I ask if you have discussed non monogamy with them and what your counsellor's thoughts are regarding you and non monogamy as a relationship style for you?
My concern is as follows. You seem like you're struggling because he is having sexual but not emotional relationships with others. My concern is how you imagine yourself coping if he were to find himself head over heels in love with someone else? Many people in your shoes whose partner does this for the first time feel abandoned and the more abandonment fears we have in us, the worse this lonely experience tends to be.
I sometimes find that the help on these forums can be a two-edged sword - sometimes helpful and sometimes just plain insulting. If my advice falls in the latter category, please let me know and you have my full apologies for misunderstanding your situation. But I hope something in what I've said has been helpful. In particular, I hope that your counsellor will be able to help you unpack this more so that you get the answers you need and start to feel more secure in your relationship.
Best wishes,
Shaya.
Spork
Active member
Raye,
I wish I could give you a big hug right now. We could be two people in the same group therapy session or something! At least that's how it seems to me. What you say feels so familiar.
Now again...I know I can be guilty of projection, so bear in mind I'm ok with being wrong and feel free to say, "No...it's not like that." if I wander astray.
But I think, Shaya, if Raye is feeling similar stuff to the issues that plague me...a poly partner who found another actual woman to have a loving, emotional relationship with, as long as there is no hostility between Raye and Woman#2, would feel LESS threatening and scary, compared to casual sex stuff.
Why? Well, first of all, then Woman#2 is real. As real as Raye is, and human, and bringing along whatever human stuff she might be carrying. Not a shiny plastic fantasy that comes and goes.
(Speaks to fear that "once you get to know me, I'm not worth the bother")
And secondly, a secondary emotional relationship featuring love, reinforces faith in love itself. And that others can give real love that is not "just" because they want sex or some other using/abusive thing.
People who did not have good nurturing, loving attachments as children, often question not only whether they deserve love, but whether other people even know how to give it. You look at another person and you see all the colors of their soul and you long for them and want to give them everything you have. (The child, looks at and idealizes the parent.) But you suspect that the partner looks at you and sees "only" <something> ...that could be sex, or support, or anything that invalidates the connection. Certainly they don't look back and see all of you and want all of you and wish to give themselves as you do...after all...you are the child that can't be loved.
And even though your partner does everything they can to show love to you, there is a gremlin of despair that lurks, ready to say unkind and self destructive things and drive you to despair. And your poor partner did nothing wrong, and doesn't know how to give you what you need so that you feel safe and ok, or the try...but ultimately, they can't fix you. They can be supportive, while you fix yourself, to whatever degree is possible. But they cannot do the heavy lifting in this.
So, some of the things that have helped me, Raye, and maybe they might help you.
1. Ask him to limit, but not eliminate, exposing you to the reality that triggers these feelings (in other words...confront the idea of him having casual sex, only occasionally but not constantly, and accompanied by reassuring expressions of love, hopefully in your love language. Touch helps me.)
2. When the gremlins bite, and you feel pain...write about it. Date your writings. I have done this in my blog. Guess what? I think this is kind of neat...I finally realized that there are patterns to my most ouchy emotions. It's worse during certain times of my monthly cycle and also a couple of days after an intense sexual experience with my Zen. So if you are not familiar with the term "drop" or "sub drop" go look that up and read about it. Look for physical things that make the emotional stuff harder to deal with.
3. Feel your feelings...but don't wallow in them. This is tricky. Shutting down your emotions and repressing them, only creates a bomb that will blow up at some point. Feelings want to be felt. You have to experience them and they will eventually blow through like a storm. And yet, you also cannot get so mired down in them that they sink you into depressive states. And you must become a master of pulling yourself out of the dive before you crash.
**Remember, do not neglect your physical needs when you are feeling the bad stuff.**
4. Find your happiness triggers, and use as needed. For me, I imagine what it looks and feels like when my lover and I hold hands and look into one another's eyes. He has such love in his gaze that it demolishes any doubt about whether I deserve love or he can give me love. If you and your guy don't do this...ask him to. And do it. Just sit for a few minutes, hold hands, and look into one another's eyes. Also, one of my big happiness triggers is music. I try to remember to use it.
There is a balance you have to find, between exploring and working out the bad stuff, and getting lost "down the well" as I put it...that's what I call my worst depression experiences.
You are loved.
You are lovable.
Love is real.
And his other recreational sex habits, have nothing to do with it.
I hope some of this is helpful. If not, well...good intentions and *hug* vibes, anyways.
I wish I could give you a big hug right now. We could be two people in the same group therapy session or something! At least that's how it seems to me. What you say feels so familiar.
Now again...I know I can be guilty of projection, so bear in mind I'm ok with being wrong and feel free to say, "No...it's not like that." if I wander astray.
But I think, Shaya, if Raye is feeling similar stuff to the issues that plague me...a poly partner who found another actual woman to have a loving, emotional relationship with, as long as there is no hostility between Raye and Woman#2, would feel LESS threatening and scary, compared to casual sex stuff.
Why? Well, first of all, then Woman#2 is real. As real as Raye is, and human, and bringing along whatever human stuff she might be carrying. Not a shiny plastic fantasy that comes and goes.
(Speaks to fear that "once you get to know me, I'm not worth the bother")
And secondly, a secondary emotional relationship featuring love, reinforces faith in love itself. And that others can give real love that is not "just" because they want sex or some other using/abusive thing.
People who did not have good nurturing, loving attachments as children, often question not only whether they deserve love, but whether other people even know how to give it. You look at another person and you see all the colors of their soul and you long for them and want to give them everything you have. (The child, looks at and idealizes the parent.) But you suspect that the partner looks at you and sees "only" <something> ...that could be sex, or support, or anything that invalidates the connection. Certainly they don't look back and see all of you and want all of you and wish to give themselves as you do...after all...you are the child that can't be loved.
And even though your partner does everything they can to show love to you, there is a gremlin of despair that lurks, ready to say unkind and self destructive things and drive you to despair. And your poor partner did nothing wrong, and doesn't know how to give you what you need so that you feel safe and ok, or the try...but ultimately, they can't fix you. They can be supportive, while you fix yourself, to whatever degree is possible. But they cannot do the heavy lifting in this.
So, some of the things that have helped me, Raye, and maybe they might help you.
1. Ask him to limit, but not eliminate, exposing you to the reality that triggers these feelings (in other words...confront the idea of him having casual sex, only occasionally but not constantly, and accompanied by reassuring expressions of love, hopefully in your love language. Touch helps me.)
2. When the gremlins bite, and you feel pain...write about it. Date your writings. I have done this in my blog. Guess what? I think this is kind of neat...I finally realized that there are patterns to my most ouchy emotions. It's worse during certain times of my monthly cycle and also a couple of days after an intense sexual experience with my Zen. So if you are not familiar with the term "drop" or "sub drop" go look that up and read about it. Look for physical things that make the emotional stuff harder to deal with.
3. Feel your feelings...but don't wallow in them. This is tricky. Shutting down your emotions and repressing them, only creates a bomb that will blow up at some point. Feelings want to be felt. You have to experience them and they will eventually blow through like a storm. And yet, you also cannot get so mired down in them that they sink you into depressive states. And you must become a master of pulling yourself out of the dive before you crash.
**Remember, do not neglect your physical needs when you are feeling the bad stuff.**
4. Find your happiness triggers, and use as needed. For me, I imagine what it looks and feels like when my lover and I hold hands and look into one another's eyes. He has such love in his gaze that it demolishes any doubt about whether I deserve love or he can give me love. If you and your guy don't do this...ask him to. And do it. Just sit for a few minutes, hold hands, and look into one another's eyes. Also, one of my big happiness triggers is music. I try to remember to use it.
There is a balance you have to find, between exploring and working out the bad stuff, and getting lost "down the well" as I put it...that's what I call my worst depression experiences.
You are loved.
You are lovable.
Love is real.
And his other recreational sex habits, have nothing to do with it.
I hope some of this is helpful. If not, well...good intentions and *hug* vibes, anyways.
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