Relationship with my wife

[bulldreyfuss]

Hi all,

My wife and I recently opened up our relationship and are openly dating other people. She found and became very close to someone very quickly, and I'm genuinely happy for her. I like her new boyfriend and we get together well. Her BF's wife and I also have become friends and talk a lot.

I struggle a bit with my wife's newfound relationship because of the history my wife and I have. I won't go into all the gritty details, but she and I met 6 years ago online and were married 5 months afterwards. We were and still are very much in love. We conceived our oldest child on our wedding night and that's when the problems started. We went from this fun loving spontaneous, intimate couple to having all of that disappear. My wife has several medical issues, mental and physical, and went through 2 bouts of cervical cancer, 2 leap procedures, an endometrial ablation, and a hysterectomy. Both of the pregnancies, one a twin birth, were difficult. All three of our kids spent time in the NICU.

Now that you have some background, this is what I struggle with:

I've always been the strong one in our relationship. I'm always there for her, taking her to doctor's appointments, holding her when her anxiety and PTSD surfaces, and piecing her back together when she falls apart. After our oldest was conceived we stopped being intimate; I'm not talking just sex but any physical closeness, holding hands, snuggling, making out, etc all but disappeared. She always said it wasn't me but all of her problems not making her interested in sex. She said she could go the rest of her life without it.

We decided to go into an open relationship because she says she feels guilty about not being able to give me the intimacy I crave. I had been thinking about opening our relationship for some time, and even considered cheating but I couldn't do that to her - I love her too much to hurt her like that. She beat me to the punch on discussing being poly and I thought it was a great idea. It would be good for her to open up to someone else and I needed to be able to experience something other than being a caretaker for a sick wife and three amazing kids.

We open our relationship and she almost immediately connects with someone. She became more intimate with him - hugging, snuggling, kissing, and were a needed condom away from having sex - than she ever was with me post-wedding night and becoming pregnant. Another thing to note is I never hounded her for sex or ever complained because of all she went through.

I'm struggling to understand how she could be physically unable or emotionally unwilling to show me any physical affection, yet jump into that with someone else. While I am genuinely happy to see her happy, I'm having a hard time understanding why she could so easily give to someone else what I've been seeking from her for over 5 years.

I truly believe intimacy and sex isn't an obligation and should come from desire, but I feel a bit lost. It's emotionally exhausting for me sometimes because I feel like I've sacrificed a lot and given a lot to her and now someone else receives her affection. I think it is impacting my ability to go out and meet new people.

 

[KC43]

I'm a bit confused...if you and she stopped having sex after your oldest was conceived, where did the other pregnancy come from?

As for your actual question, sometimes the "ooh, new and shiny!" factor of a new connection is enough to revive someone's sex drive--with the new partner. In an ideal situation, that might carry over into the existing relationship, but it doesn't always.

It also sounds like you and your wife have been through a lot, and she might, whether consciously or not, associate you with the illnesses and struggles, which would naturally make you less appealing. Whereas Mr. Newguy has no associations with any of the unpleasant things that have occurred, and therefore he represents a chance for her to escape from all of it.

That's obviously just hypothetical, but it's something to maybe consider.

 

[bulldreyfuss]

Thanks, KC43 for the reply and advice.

I wasn't as clear as I should have been in my post, trying to eliminate some details to be more concise. We had sex on our wedding night, when our oldest was conceived. She went through a lot after that and was told by her OB that if we wanted more kids, we had to try again soon. We conceived the twins on our first try, and the sex was more like a procreation effort. No real spark.

So in 5 years we had sex to conceive our oldest and then our twins, with no physical closeness in between.

 

[bulldreyfuss]

And KC43, I think you are spot on with your analysis. It's like we've gone through so much, and need to start over again. Maybe I already know what the cause is and am just struggling to accept it? I don't know, but it does feel good to talk about it.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi bulldreyfuss,

What are the chances you could get a sitter for the kids and go out with your wife once a week? on a date date? Maybe the relaxing time away from the cares of home will revive some of her interest in you. Just a thought anyways ...

Other than that, I agree with what KC43 said.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[vinsanity0]

Have you guys considered counselling? I get the feeling you two just sort of settled into a no sex situation without really discussing it. You said you didn't push her, but did you let her know you wanted her? Being sick, she probably didn't feel all that attractive and it almost sounds like you didn't do much to make her see otherwise. Then this new guy comes along and he hasn't seen her at her worse, which gives her more confidence, etc.