Relationships developing at different speeds

A

Adiktd

New member
For those of you in triad relationships:
I 100% understand that in a three person relationship there are actually 4 relationships that are all being fostered. I'm 100% on board with this and totally get it.
I'm feeling just a little blah today I think because I can see the relationship between my other partners we will call them Jay (h) and Har (gf) is developing much faster than my relationship with Har. I get that this is totally normal and her and I have had less time alone than Jay and Har have so it totally makes sense that they are bonding on a deeper level more quickly. I think it's great and I'm happy for them, but sometimes it leaves me just a little jealous.
They have pet nicknames for each other, they've had a lot of deep meaningful conversations about their lives and futures, and stuff like that. I've yet to get there with Har yet and I guess it just sucks a little being the one left moving slower. We really like each other, there's no doubt about that there, we just have not connected on as deep of a level as her and Jay have. So rationally I'm totally okay with things but emotionally it is just a little sucking today. Especially after they were calling each other their pet names and then saying how they should go out dressed as that particular couple for halloween. Which leaves me the odd one out and while it shouldn't matter, it just kinda stung.
Not looking for a lot of answers. I think I just wanted to vent without crashing down on their lovey moment with my emotions before I had a chance to process my emotions.
 
Not a problem, you can vent with us anytime. I hope your jealous twinges gradually recede. Maybe they will as you get to know Har better.
 
thanks! And they really are lessening. I think it's just going to be a while before they stop sneaking up on me periodically lol. While Jay and I have never been monogamous (I had previously made the decision that I could not see myself only loving a man when I also have strong feelings for women), this is the first person that we have ever had a serious relationship with so I am seeing and feeling a lot of new things that I had not necessarily thought about. I think that I have some feelings that come up based on what I have been trained to think just growing up in society because, when I think about it, I discover that it's not really something I truly believe but have been taught to believe. For example, I was upset at them mentioning having this couples costume idea for Halloween which instantly gave me a twinge of jealousy. However, upon further reflection last night, I discovered that what I was most worried about was that they would be seen as a couple when we all go out and that people wouldn't get that I am also an equal partner in the relationship. That's totally me fearing what outside influences are thinking and is ridiculous. If these two people love me and I love them, it doesn't matter how others see us as we are out, and I know that we would all 3 have a great time out together and that a costume does not mean that I'm less of a partner. But I think my brain was wired to instantly trigger me to feel jealous about that. I hope that with time I can errase all that old thinking and stop feeling jealousy unless it's because I am genuinely not getting my needs met in some way.
I feel much better this morning. HAving time to discover where my feelings were coming from and sort them out was helpful. I can't stress how great it is to have a place to dump my emotional load and get it out so I can process.
Har and I had a phone date last night for an hour which was nice. Our work schedules have not allowed for us to have much time together just the two of us to really talk. Generally we are together getting ready in the morning which is no time to get into anything deep, or I am joining Jay and Har at night after I finish work and we hang out for a bit before crashing. For me I was just feeling like I was missing getting to know Har better through intimate chats which is important to me, so this phone date was great for me. We have decided to make it a weekly date for now so we have a chance to just chat together and learn more about each other :)
 
Glad you're feeling somewhat better. Yes, our brains are conditioned to react against things society sees as unhealthy or immoral. It is hard to retrain ourselves to react positive to poly.

That's a great idea to have a phone date once a week. I take it Har lives in a different domicile than where you live? Just curious.
 
Darn society filling our heads with all that stuff from the time we are babies!

You are correct, Har does not live with us. The relationship, while progressing quickly and feeling amazing, is still too new to jump into having her move in here. There's always the chance that once the honeymoon faze is over that we might not all be 100% in it anymore. I like to get past the honeymoon and into the meat of things before committing to living together. That said, she does sleep here most nights which is great. She has her own space in the dresser and the kitchen cupboards and in the bathroom so she feels that this a place she is comfortable too. But she still has her apt and most her stuff is there. She works a job that requires over-nights a few days a week and so one of those nights is the one for which we've scheduled a standing phone date.
 
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